Blogs

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Day1 Start
Ill go to shop soon get lot of juice and fruits.. Another bad thing that i have planty of subs left in my capboard i need to put tripple lock on it and drop a key to the local river
4.48pm Anxiety continue valium helps much runny nose a bit, cats eyes im walking around my room cant sit on one place for long.. small dose of mxe 20-30mg on top nothing to lose anyway..
5.03pm Mxe 35mg snorted will see if it makes changes as boring to walk around my sofa with cats eyes and listn house music..
5.21pm Mxe heating up im start walking slower around my sofa waiting fo rubber body..
5.28pm Half of wd symptoms gone feeling much better..
5.34pm all symptoms gone i feel amazing only runny nose left no pain so it works ))
5.40pm im dancing in my room with happy mood and runny nose...
5.46pm runny nose stopped just feel great ...
I have enough mxe to stay on it 4-5days and valium to sleep then i cut mxe and taper valium...
6.47pm i start yawn often but i feel great and dancing snorted extra 25mg mxe
7.16pm all fine i dont feel any wd symptoms
9.07pm im thinking to go to local club i cant stop dance
9.47pm had a shover feeling like im normal human no changes visuals no wd symptoms.. going to shop when my head dry.
9.57pm going to local china takeaway get sup and sweet sour chicken, not dancing anymore, but as soon as i hear music its all start again
10.22pm while walk home from shop i yawn every minute and watered eyes, but inside clear mind and no pain at all.. As i know MXE magic finish only after u have good sleep..
i feel good no visuals just rubber body thats it..
10.45pm start to fill some dicomfort try to watch a movie but cant lie on the sofa so i decide to add 10mg mxe and after movie 5mg valium expecting to fall a sleep @2am
11.16pm 10mg removed all discomfort and im torally fine watching movie and gona enjoy dinner..
Valium make a Huge differance when i use MXE on its own it throw me to other planet, if use with, no other planets and no pain ...
3l slobber spit in toilet today
Today I bought a box of 30 capsules of 300mg Gabapentin Neurontin brand.
Then I had a large meal at 11.30am at Burger King. BTW, I'm a little fat.

During the day, I did Pregabalin, reaching 4000mg at 9pm.
I did 500mg Naproxen at 6pm.
During the day, did 4 or 5 5mg Diazepam pills, reaching 20-25mg 9.30pm.
I did 1ug Clonidine at 9.30pm too.
I also did 300mg Carisoprodol at 3pm and another 300mg Carisoprodol at 8pm.
I drank a glass of pure grapefruit juice at 7.30pm. Then, at 8pm, I did 400mg Codeine.
Lastly, I did 8mg oral 2C-E.


It's 9.40pm right now, I feel... warm and a little fuzzy. Will play Dark Souls until I feel stronger effects. I have no idea what will happen.


10.40pm; I'm nodding a little but I feel fine. I', doing 3mg 2C-E more and 300 Gabapentin, taken with Coca-Cola.

11.30pm: I'm very hungry, probably because of the Pregabalin, but I know I shouldn't eat because of the 2C-E. I'm taking a Cafiaspirine Plus because I'm sleepy and nodding a little.
I mean... I'm between calling the delivery for a pizza while on heavy drugs and probably passing away, or enduring this and enjoying the night. That's why I don't want to sleep yet..

11.50pm: I'm suddenly nodding BADLY. Lights are sparky and I can see CEV and some mild OEVs... will the Caffeine keep me awake or I'll fall to sleep?

12.45: I'm tripping balls. But I'm also veeery tired. I want to sleep but the CEVs and OEVs are overwhelming. Still I'm feeling fine, gonna take 5mg Diazepam.
Hey everybody, I'm new to this website so idunno if i'm even using it properly but i'm having one hell of a time trying to find some DMT in this city. :?
a continuation...

After figuring out that we would have to live on Mindanao we ended up, at my suggestion, discussing whether we might build an addition onto the family home. Lovely was immediately enthusiastic about the idea and broached the idea with her parents. Unlike the West, the Philippines does not look down upon grown children living with their parents. Indeed, such a living arrangement is idealised by all the many ethnicities that collectively form the Filipino People.

Not suprisingly.Lovely's parents were very pleased with the suggestion and offered us the side of the house adjacent to the bay upon which to build our addition. We quickly decided on a "sala," or living room that would branch off from the family kitchen. Our very large sala will then segue into our large bedroom, which will be seperated from the sala by french doors. A third of the bedroom will hold a large CR, aka "Comfort Room," which is Fil-English for the loo. Between the CR and the bedroom wall will be a decently sized walk in closet. One wall will face the bay, and will hold a 3 meter long picture window, 1.5 meter high, offering an expancive view of the palmrtree lined bay. The other wall, facing the front yard- actually a walled compound as is the custom with people of means on Mindanao, albeit much smaller than Rizza's family compound- and the front of the family home. At Lovely's father's suggestion, a portico will run the entire length of that wall, segueing into an extant portico that runs along part of the facade of the family home. For natural light, that wall will have a 2 meter high section of glass masonary block. Running almost the entire length of that wall, minus the length fronting the walk in closet, each row of glass block will be a different colour, with 8 different rows, offering a gentle stained glass-like interior lighting that will bathe the sala. In addition, we will have three large clear skylights in the ceiling, two in the sala, and a single, significantly larger one in the bedriom ceiling, under which our bed will lay, offering us starlight at night.

I was suprised when Lovely's father handed me the estimated cost. I had been pegging it at less than P60,000 ($1,300). The estimate came in at nearly that for labour alone, with P55,000. Materiel was pigeonholed at P77,000, for a grand total od P132,000 ($2,800), and this doesnt include plumbing, electrical, fixtures, and tile. In the estimate Lovely's father was meticulous, breaking it down to boxes of nails. Still, running businesses gives me a very good idea about both materiel AND labour. Lovely saw that I was shocked and got very, very defencive.

While discussing labour costs, Lovely scoffed at my questioning the projected daily pay of each labourer to be employed, whichin her father's estimation would be P500 ($10.35) each day. Seeing as how I, along with Rizza's parents, carry more than 200 labourers (in addition to employees in other capacities) in our mills and on our farms, I naturally believed I knew a bit about local wages. We pay all our labourers not working on a piece work basis, from P200 to P350 ($4.20 to $7.35) per day, and in doing so are one of the best paying employers in Caraga (our "Region" consisting of five provinces). To be fair I looked at construction wages. This is not so simple endeavour as one might imavine, seeing as how most on Mindanao live in "nipas," the bamboo framed and nipa palmtree frond shacks that litter the Mindanowan countryside. More substantial dwellings of the "haves" are usually built for landowners who-like us- utilise their own labour pool without adjusting the wage structure so as to make labourers' wages more commensurate to the job at hand. In other words, when I need an outbuilding constructed, I simply assign fifteen of my labouters under one of our supervisors and those unlucky fiftren will then make the same pay as someone shoveling goat shit or replanting tice seedlings in one of our paddies.

There is actually a Minimum Wage here, or, rather, scores of Minimum Wages. Each "Region," and each profession is nailed to a specific Minimum Wage. Mindanao is the least expencive part pf the Philippines, and of Mindanowan "Regions," mine, Caraga (aka Region 13), is the second least expencive. Lovely's municipality, Nasipit, is also located in Caraga, albeit more than 100km to the north, directly on the coast and therefore-with or without a higher Minimum Wage, wages are substantially higher.

Finally agreeing on overall cost, I began to tie up my affairs in San Franz, my current home in Rizza's family's compound. A bigger concern perhaps, certainly in terms of my personal safety and my local profile, is my involvement with BULIF, the local paramilitary. Over the last year and a half I have branched out into a rather profitable sideline, assault rifle sales. My role in the paramilitary offers me an umbrella for End User Certificates, something that would be impossible without my close association.

I could still turn a pretty peso by having weaponry delivered to official consignees like the AFP (Armed Forces of the Philippines) and the PNP (Philippine National Police) but my margin would be much narrower, and all other sales would have to stop.

In terms of my safety, having nearly 300 well armed men at my beck and call does wonders for one's peace of mind. Because BULIF's primary raison d'etre is to carry the AFP's Force Multuplication efforts directly into the Hilltribes' domains, versus the Maoist NPA (New People's Army), disassociating myself from the paramilitary could cost me my life. Nasipit, the municipality I will soon call home, is almost entirely free of NPA influence- let alone NPA control. The last NPA-related incident of note was a botched assasination attempt against former President Gloria M.Arroyo in 2010, that failed miserably as the AFP rallied its forces and pushed the NPA back into the bush after it briefly occupied Butuan-Iligan National Hiway.

The NPA element with OpCon over Nasipit is Front 4A, of the NCMRC (Northcentral Mindanao Regional Command). Although NCMRC has, over the last year, enjoyed a considerable resurgence that brought it full force from the brink of extinction, Front 4A remains the weakest of the six Fronts in that Regional Command. Likewise, the bulk of BULIF's interaction with the NPA has been with the NEMRC (Northeast Mindanao Regional Command) the NPA has urban assasination teams called SPARU (Special Armed Red Partisan Units), almost always mis-transliterated by laymen as "SPARROW," as in the bird. SPARU work in three to five man teams and use automatic handguns in daylight killings in heavily populated areas. I already have a Bounty on my head, a paltry sum by Israeli and Western standards but this is an island where $70.00 gets you a daylight killing by two men teans riding tandem on a single motorcycle. Ergo, I reckon I should not be too depressed that my Bounty is pegged at $1,300.00.

With all these considerations it is a given that I will retain my position with BULIF, at least for the forseeable future. I will commute, though most of my interaction will be via one of two designated proxies I have had in place for much of the last year.

Rizza's family and I are still untangling the deeply entwined business, property, and financial assets that we have fully co-mingled for near on fifteen years. I have long had two personal attorneys on retainer here, above and beyod the attorneys we jointly retain for our business and property-related endeavours.

to be continued...
I've just stared to come of my lorazepam cut it down by 5 mi is this ok
Thanks
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Day 3 Start very early
1.50am i went to bed coz i feel tired of watching movies i fall a sleep.
3.45am wake up, start sneezing and some discomfort and pain on my back and legs, im immediately took 10mg mxe and ill hope it will go the same way like yesterday, i fall a sleep in the morning but will switch off all alarms on my phone this time, coz sleep is very important, more u sleep, more your body cleaning out of suboxone, and u recovering..
4.25am all pain gone i start yawning listen to house music and dance a bit..
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Day2 start early:
went to bed 1.56am 4.49am wakeup feel absolutely normal if this condition where im now called suboxone WDS, i can say that all that story only to scare ppl, or ppl giveup on first day coz they scare themself with memory of last wds, like me 1.5year been scared to stop if i feel mild wd, im already start remember that story about my naltrexonone experience and 1 mg xanax and running to my cupboard to get my daily sub dose..
I dont know what to do @5am but in this condition when im now i can easily go to work all function normal. I dropped on top 5mg valium maybe ill get a bit sleep out of it...
Who knows maybe ill cut mxe today ill keep u updated.. And when i sleep 2h40min i seen erotic dreams instead of scary like u see on H wds
5.10am i only now realise I done a mistake that i dropped that 5mg Valium, now the door to other planet from MXE is close
5.28am i feel warm sleepy again, but i will surf the net for some time i still got 3days off work so it is doesn't matter what time i go for a sleep and i live alone in a flat so nobody can push me or say anything.
5.44am checked my pupils in a mirror, looks like they work like they should, they not big that was yesterday and they react on light normally. Pinched myself YES i feel the pain now, but i dont feel any wd symptoms at all! i forgot to state b4 bed, i went to toilet and stool was normal, no diarrhoea or stomach pain..
6.48am another 5mg valium dropped i want to fall a sleep i need more then 3h i still feel no wd symptoms, no pain or anything i feel good, i got one beer and enjoying it now..
7.30am had a shower very helpfull, but after that i start feel discomfort in my legs, i decide to fix it with 7mg mxe
7.45am mxe start working symptoms going down..
8.35am i feel fresh all pain gone but i start sneeze ones in 30min
9.00am i feel good no visuals just rubber body thats it gona go to shop soon new day begin
9.15am i decide to make a good breakfast two eggs, cup of coffee cheese and salami on toast, no wd symptomps at all and i feel like i just wakeup.. I forgot when i last time make a breakfast, usually i wakeup drink cup of coffe and snort my 0.5 dose of suboxone NOT THIS TIME
10.45am i watching serials all fine but i feel sleepy i think gona fall a sleep soon again..
11.45am i feel sleepy but cant fall a sleep just watching movies wanna go out i need fruits bananas,apples,oranges, and 5l of juice apple cherry
12.00pm i fall a sleep in deep sleep without any dream just blak hole..
4.05pm i wake coz im forgot to switch off my alarms on the phone, a bit sweat no discomfort no pain feel, not cold or hot feel fine, gona go take shower then will see what to do.
4.25pm i sleep 6h.40min in total on first day i think it is a good results, after shower no wd symptoms just feel normal and my mind dont want that dose sub any-more.
4.30pm Pinched myself i feel the pain, checked my eyes in a mirror and they are impressed me i see pupils they work normally it pleases me and give positive attitude, i can see exit it is not far from me..
4.50pm i feel pain in my stomach, just ones so i decide to drop there 2mg loperamide
5.30pm i feel normal no pain or wd symptoms looks like suboxone gone , time to disconnect MXE
6.30pm feel perfect listening house tracks on youtube, been in a toilet stool is fine ill say perfect , not like suboxone constipation!!
7.40pm Finally i did it, i went to local store got 4l juice, apples, oranges,bananas i feel a bit tired and sleepy after that walk but no discomfort or pain or wd symptoms..
8.25pm start feel a bit discomfort, in my legs and back, also sneeze 3-4times - night is coming u all know what that mean low dose of MXE say 5mg will fix all this easy
8.40pm gona ring my mate, bankholiday today, all clubs in town blowingup, maybe go there have some good time, as i tired to sit at home.. Dance will give lot of dopamine wich is needed and it is good exercise, also u no need to drink alcohol, there as they sell juice and water everywhere..
8.50pm MXE done 7mg all pain coming down, searching local clubs where the house music playing tonight, as i dont interested in any other kind of dance music, house and trance will help a lot.
9.00pm i understood where was mistake i done too much MXE on my first day, low dose like 10mg remove all wd symptoms completely!!
9.15pm a bit anxiety, and yawning started i think it coz i didnt took my 5mg valium yet..
9.45pm pain gone, but anxiety not, i will take 5mg valium..
9.50pm i took 5mg valium with juice, and dancing in my room.. my mate let me down no clubs tonight, coz he have to sit with a baby..
10.05pm im learning how to dance salsa on youtube video ,all gone now pain anxiety all fine..
11.00pm thats 5mg valium make me very sleepy, but i dont wanna go for bed now, wanna watch some movies..
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Luckily i got long weekend this week it is 5days and ill gona do it ill let u know how it going and like i sad i will use MXE if i feel realy bad i drop my suboxone dose from 0.5mg to 0.1mg by Thursday then from friday happy time begin )

Originally Posted by Anon54
doesnt dxm block opiate receptors? maybe that's why it works. never tried it.
it might work great but those doses are pretty recreational. dxm is a drug where EVERYONE can see ya off ya face on something. i mean ya eyes go larger than than the would off half a gram of meth & ya stagger around like ya drunk & laugh at everything. might be ok if u dont have anything u need to do like work
I tried MXE 100mg-300mg while on suboxone and it take me to other planet and anesthesia was very good i didnt feel my body at all even at low dose like 30mg body is rubber, so i think it will remove all the pain but im not sure what will be in my head? Im not gona stay on MXE for long time, just 2days the bad ones then when i feel better i just cut MXE an start lowering valium or ill lower valium now to 5mg..

I also got Naltrexone but i think it doesnt help in my situation to speedup sub wd? because suboxone already contains Naloxone that is the same thing but not that powerful?

Ususally i wake up and i feel bad i feel cold all the time b4 i get my 0.5mg sub but NOT TODAY!
Yesturday last dose suboxone,
about 4pm it was 0.5mg, and at night i been doing mxe and valium, had a great time now wakeup with bit anxiety, no sigh of sub wd at all, i had cup of coffe and 5mg valium..
Now that anxiety coming down so feel better.. i think i can do it And mxe with valium works different just a rubber body and warm feeling no disconnection from the body when close your eyes and listen to music.. Ones i been far far away on Mxe that i completely lost in time, i been travelling about 20h done 4times redose ~100mg each. That been dream of the dreams i spend 20h with closed eyes lieng on the sofa listening to di.fm lounge and chill channels..

And ones i went cold turkey using naltrexone and i have only 1mg Xanax i been thinking that it swith me off and i fall a sleep while take naltrexone i was wrong, what an idiot i had very bad wds, i ride a bicycle on my sofa all night, and run to toilet every 2mins with horrible diarrhoea and stomach cramps! i dont know how i survive that night . That was wds from codeine and as soon as sun goes up i run to local streets and found junkys there, when they see me i even cant stand normal, i been jumping from pain so they help me to get tripple dose of H, since then i get addicted to H for couple of month while waiting a que to the doctor in local clinic..
Cousins are the last outlet of the bloodline. I wanted to visit and say hi.
Yet again another drunk night stopped that. Mother, father, lil sis: we all want you there. "But I'm busy" Busy getting shit faced and feeling sorry for myself.
Wait what!?!?!? Another fight?? Lil sis threatened to punch mom in the face??
FUCK Again I wasn't there to help. Another missed opportunity to be "there"
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if a would chuck chuck could chuck wood, how much wood could a wood chuck chuck?
Been kicking morphine and oxys etc. For about a week. I have know idea how I have pulled it off at work. It has been the worst time off my life. Gonna keep going. One more night of work and the 2 days off. Should start seeing the light soon. But it's been about a 10 yr habit so maybe not. Thanks for the help. You know who you are. Nice to know people still give a shit.
So I'm aware that my thoughts are erratic, emotional, unbalanced and that I get dark quickly. Others recognize this as well.

I've made a doctor's appointment for a psych evaluation for medication.

Now that I'm aware, I question everything regarding my moods and thoughts. I ask myself 'Is this a normal thought or one of those fucked up ones?' or 'Is this feeling justified or based on some sort of unreal reality that I've created?'

I fucking hate it. I feel 'off' more often than not due to this awareness that I could be off. I surround myself with 'what ifs'.

I really look forward to this doctor's appointment. I want to get back to feeling like me again.

What really scared me was that a few days ago I figured I would try St. John's Wort as an alternative to meds. Fuck that shit. I have to assume that there was a correlation between taking that shit and the horrible mental anguish I found myself in. I hadn't experienced that feeling in a LONG time. Suicidal, believing fantasy (no matter how unreal I knew it to be), hopelessness and sleeplessness.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. Its not rational.

People I am close to recognize it so I start thinking that it must be worse than I believe. If I'm feeling it what are they seeing from the outside?

Monday will be here soon and then I will be on the road to some answers.

Just gotta get through until Monday without causing any damage to myself or the relationships I value.

I wish I hadn't sat in denial for so long. It appears I have delayed a bit too long.

I'll suck it up and before I know it, I'll feel better
:?Life is like a movie sometimes good sometimes bad,the only difference it has no rewind,whats done is done theres no point in looking behind,no body said its easy but we must keep our head up even in our own misery,even if we built it,its hard to ignore because when we try to we just want more
"Pathetic," she said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
She turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards, splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side. Then she looked at herself in the water again.
"As I thought," she said. "No better from this side. But nobody minds. Nobody cares. Pathetic, that's what it is."
Not totally sure on the number of weeks it's been, so that might be a bit off.

It's amazing to really notice how much plastic is around us in our lives and how many people are so incredibly wasteful.

At one of my internships, I sit with these women who are absolutely brutal to one another. Their conversations are so shallow and they are really unpleasant to be around. The commonality between them though, aside from their workplace, is how wasteful they really are. They get food from the lunch room every day, which isn't a problem--They get it in "take out" containers. When ordering, you have the option of "here" or "to go". "Here" equates to a reusable (sometimes a paper) plate. "To go" is a typical Styrofoam container. I have watched these people for weeks now: Every day they get the "to go" containers, and every day those "to go" containers are thrown in the trash. A few weeks ago, I inquired as to why my instructor got the food "to go" and she immediately got offensive and said she "likes it better." Uh, that makes a lot of sense.

It's also amazing to witness them being so absolutely two-faced to these people they supposedly like. I can only imagine what they say about me when I am not there. It is like high school again. It is no wonder this facility is the bottom of the barrel of one of the health systems we have around here.

Anywho, back to the plastics and my second goal:

My consumption of things that will only be put in the trash can has drastically gone down. I've come to realize that I can live without the majority of the foods that are packaged in plastic. Those foods that come in plastic that I would rather not live without, I have found ways to get them without plastic (take carrots for example--they come in a bag, or they come loose). I still allow myself one item each shopping trip that can be in plastic, but even that is dwindling, as I no longer am attracted to buying products that only come in plastic. They're typically not very wholesome foods.

My second goal has made a lot of progress but once again has been put on pause--There is simply too much going on around me to focus on me for a little while. Once school is over (approximately five weeks), focusing on the house and the move will be my main priority. I do not plan on seek out a career right after graduation--That would, simply put, be asinine with all that is going on. I figure by September/October, things will hopefully have settled down and I'll have gotten all the information I need to really, truly, see where I want to go with this career field. 'Cause, honestly, I don't want to work in a hospital or nursing home--I mean, I'll do it, but not for a long-term career.

Ideally, I would like to do some sort of one-on-one, long-term work with customers/people who aren't "patients" or "residents" or anything other than "paying customers" utilizing my services. That may indeed be a very far-fetched pipe dream, but I would be much happier working 8-4:30 five days a week doing something like I do now (general office work) and working a couple hours each week with someone on their eating habits, than I would be working 8-4:30 five days a week in a hospital/nursing home.

While I have left you all in the dark about what exactly my second goal entails, you've probably figure out by now it is an on-going "self growth" type of goal. I would still rather not mention exactly what it is, but it has come a long way and is putting me on the path to where I want to be in this crazy world and time we live in.

I plan on still keeping progress on both of my goals in this blog, but it might not be weekly--Though weekly is a nice goal to aim since then I get it done every other week instead of aiming for monthly and doing it once a quarter. 8)
hey just wondering if anyone can help me. Im currently taking the antibiotics co-amoxiclav and metronidazole can i take extacy whislt taking these or not ??


BL is a huge community..
So why is there such a large number of people in this world wanting to get off tap, people looking for new and improved methods of getting off tap, people actually getting off tap as I type this (lucky bastards!), and finally - people seeking help because they've been out of it too often and for too long and taken too much.
Do we seek escape from reality? And why - is it so bad? Or is the escape so good?
Do we maybe have too much knowledge about how things work, knowledge we don't need and maybe tend to abuse?
The answer to all those questions is probably yes, and everyone's reasons are different.
And I realise these aren't particularly original thoughts, just wanted write it down cos, you know, blog and stuff.
What's your reason for getting out of it?
Are you trying to cope with the world around you or do you want to discover new facets of that world?
I guess for me it's a mixture of both, getting away from the world can lead to unexpected discoveries about the world and about myself.

and this is also enjoyable: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fu_dP4TwxvE
(well, I like it!)
:D
Dave suggested that I post this letter here from my original post in The Dark Side. I don't know where I got the idea to do this, maybe it was just out of anger but I finally decided to tell my depression off. Like Dave, I'm not expecting a response, but that's okay, what had to be said was said :)



Dear depression,

Fuck you. For 15 long years you've controlled my life, and to be perfectly fucking honest I'm sick of it. I know how we met. Being tormented and ostracized by my peers, I needed something to turn to. I mean,what makes more sense than to make myself feel like complete shit when I'm being treated like complete shit? Why not push it into myself? At least then it would make sense why it was done to me if I can find different ways to hate myself and everybody around me. I know how our relationship has been. I wake up feeling alright, and then one stupid little thing happens and it sets me off. "Why does everybody hate me?" "Why am I so fucked up?" "Why can't I get a fucking girlfriend, oh right its because you're ugly as fuck, and you're a fucking idiot". You've made my decisions, you've made my enemies, you've made my life. Worse, you've made me attracted to the feeling of being down, of being hated. I don't really believe that, but you've made it appealing in my mind. I've been trying to let go of that feeling. I may never, but I know now that I can live without it. What about your best friend, anxiety? Yeah, fuck him too. I know how much you love to work together, give me an anxiety attack and follow it up with some depression. Fucking wonderful.

What have you ever done for me? Oh right, fucking nothing. You're a fucking parasite, you feed and feed off of any self-confidence and happiness that I have, until its all gone, along with me. You tell me what to do, you tell me where to go. All the missed opportunities in life, all the friends that I've lost, everything I've let go, it's because of you I could never reach for them again. But now I'm letting you go, and I won't try to reach out. I'll watch you fall, fall, fall, fall, until you're forever gone from my life. It would be a stretch to say that you had full dominance over my life in the first place. I've experienced joy, happiness, accomplishment. But you've sucked it all away, you've made sure that I won't ever remember it, and to make sure I'll never experience it again. And to that I say no more. You've made me feel like I've never had a chance to pull myself up, to never experience things. You've allowed me to be pushed around not only by others, but by myself. You had let them tell me what to do, you let me tell myself what to do when I knew it wasn't in reasoning.

You've invaded every aspect of my life. My long walks around this damn town trying to figure myself out, it was an escape from you. You found me there. Playing guitar. You found me there. Blazing with friends. You found me there too. Just being with people I care about. You found me there too. The hours I've spent wandering around this town trying to escape from you, trying to figure out why me, and why things are the way they are, it isn't enough to escape the hell you've created for me. Not anymore. There's no escaping you, I've learned. No matter where I go, who I'm with, you will find me as long as I hold onto you. You bring back the memories I wished to forget, and you let go of the ones I wanted to hold onto forever. The people who I hold close to my heart, you know how to destroy my care for them within a day. And then you let me gain it back, only to spit on me again. You've made me not give a fuck, you've made me hurt, you've ruined me.

No more.

You're done. I'm fucking through with you, I'm fucking done running from you. No drugs until I know I can live without you. You won't ruin them for me, you won't make me become dependent on them, you won't make me use them to escape you. I know I can, but not while you're around. I know I'm strong enough to handle you, because you're just a worthless fucking piece of shit like you've made me feel for the last 15 years. You reflect everything about yourself onto others, and you make them feel as bad as you do. You're fucking misery. You're a fucking parasite who will no longer feed on me. Know why? There are people who care about me, I'm not a worthless fucking piece of shit, I decide my how my fucking life will be, there is more to life than you've allowed me to see. I fuck up, I do stupid things, I hurt people, I make bad decisions, and I still will. But guess what? THEY'RE MY FUCKING DECISIONS. You won't make me think the only happiness doesn't exist in this life. I won't be laying in bed for hours, I won't be succumbing to the pain you've inflicted upon me for so long. I won't be looking at the happy side of life, I won't be looking at the sad side of life. Both just contradict each other. I will look at life as life is. Good is there, bad is there, and guess what, its fucking life. But you won't decide how I feel. I'm stronger than you, I'm better than you've made me feel, because I'm over you, there's a life past you and I'm gonna fucking live it. In fact, imagine you didn't read a single word of this. Just go back and read the first sentence, and take every single word into account. No two words have ever summed up a four paragraph letter better than that.

Sincerely,
Badfish.
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