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I for one hate life, American life for that matter. I cannot stand how these people cloak them selves in this pseudo-moralism. I fucking hate how Americans think its patriotic to be stupid/ignorant, especially those that are heavily involved in religion. I never really thought about the saying, those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. Now the older I get, it makes allot of sense. Americans love a war. The war on terror, the war on drugs, the war on drugs sadly is a civil war on American citizens. I think its time that people get organized and fight back. Fuck the powers that be, who the hell are they to tell me how to live my life, I’m not hurting any one. One thing people need to realize is that anti drug war sentiment is at an all time high. We need to fight back no one should mandate what I can put into my body. For fucks sake it’s a constitutional right to pursue happiness, as long as it hurts no one. That is the truth, as long as I’m not hurting, stealing, or forcing my views-beliefs on any one. But yet the government gets to say how I need to live, where the fuck did my freedoms go? This country was founded on sensible and beautiful beliefs. And some how they got smothered, desecrated. Why oh why, I get so depressed just thinking about it. I just want to live my life in happiness, making my own decisions on how I use any substance other than alcohol and tobacco. Is that asking too much, it seems that in America it is? It’s sad to see a free country turning into a police state. Believe it or not we have become our own worst enemy. Bright shiny badges have replaced swastikas. Drug users have become the enemy of the state sub human, a lot like in Nazi Germany with the Jews and other persecuted people. And society is ok with that, it’s perfectly fine to persecute taxpayers fuck!! The worst part is it’s like losing your virginity there is no going back. Once your rights are flushed down the toilet of society you cannot undo what’s been done. Try to get a job with a felony drug charge, try getting a loan to got to school, try voting to change the laws, oh wait you can’t. There needs to be a revolution a revolt, and I don’t believe it can be accomplished via the normal non violent means. People need to buck up and accept the reality. We need to fight the power. By all means necessary, bring the drug war to their front door and kick it in. Why should law enforcement be able to fight us with violence, im sick and tired of bending over and accepting their views, I want to incite violence, I will fight to the death, if that’s what it takes. We need to show them we are not afraid of them, let them put those billions of dollars spent on equipment, guns, amo, and armor to work. Narco terrorism needs to take a stand for drug user’s rights. Death to the drug war!!!

i sell cocaine crack heroine opium pcp 2ci 2c3 ecstasy ketamine nitrous GHB DMT LSD psilocybin mushrooms methamphetamine annndddd marijuana. i live in the city of toronto, i work at Churchs Chicken, ask for beef and theyll give you my number.i would also like to mention that i molest for money. so hit me up sometime we'll grab a beer and smoke some jib

It's been a hell of a ride. Been kicking opiates since the 31st of March cold turkey. Using just vitamins,Herbs,water and believe it or not Mikes hard Lemonade. Last night it seemed like it was starting all over and then I fell asleep around 4am and woke up at noon. Thanks ccoyne420 for telling me about the valerion root im pretty sure it's what's keeping me sane. Sneezing and chills are gone and pupils are finally back to normal. Im still really sore all over but that's fine it's time to get up and do stuff around the yard. I tell ya the worst part of all of this was my skin crawling just wanted to jump out of my own body. It's been a scary and I went through some shit and probably will for a few more days. I'll tell you what. I'm going to think about this every time I want to put that needle in my arm again. Keep you updated. Thanks for all your comments. 10yrs of opiates and im clean. WOW!!

Everytime Im away at college I have this feeling that im missing something back home when it comes to good times. The place im enrolled is in a small town with 2 bars a couple restaurants and nothing to consistantly find but weed. On the one hand it provides a stable place where I cant get in too much trouble. On the other I feel like im wasting my life away here. I probably am wasting my time here while I do know some people here I I cant really say that they are my friend I just cant be honest with them. I almost feel like an actor playing a role like this is how I am supposed to act or feel.

See im not sure what I need to do to be happy. A part of me wants to get a girl a degree a dog and have a boring middle class existance. But I cant really reconcile that with the part that wants to do drugs but still lived within societys boundaries (job,car shit like that)this part knows I need to stop the opiates for a good long while. The other main part wants to shoot heroin and live completely for the moment no matter what consequences that will bring. My therapist suggested that I have all these different personalities in my head that need to be satisfied he used the analogy of taking turns driving the car but that I need to be selective in which when and for how long I let each paricular one drive. But I kinda see that as a cop-out a way to act like im not making a irreversible decision when clearly all decisions are irreversible in that they have social consequences.

And its all about the social consequences I am albeit reluctantly a social creature by nature. The jist of it is I had it all and completely blew it, thru apathy and inneptitude. In high school I was never the popular guy but I cultivated 3 friendships I thought would last forever.As well as being a member of a larger social group that I really enjoyed. Well 2 out of the 3 didnt last 5 years and the other certainly isnt what it used to be. While I have come to realize that experience is common and not in itself cause for alarm, the fact is that I have had difficulty forming other friendships. I think that the insulatiing nature of my former friends made me miss a crucial period of social development. The situation is not just my imagination my therapist suggested that I may have "aspergers syndrome".

I would give anything to return to my social group of the past and it feels like it could possibly happen if I playd my cards perfectly. But I have this feeling thatI cant go back that I chose to leave that path for a reason. On the other hand this road at school seems very artificial. I just cant relate to these people. I just feel like either way I choose theres a good chance I am going to regret it later.

-----Part 3-----

While I am still in the restroom trying to recover at the sink with cold water there is a knock on my door. I freak out a little because I have 19 Oxy 40's laying on my coffee table. I rush in the living room scoop up the goodies and just stick them in my pocket. I open the door and it is my best friend (former roomate from the beginning of this increasingly long tale). He actually went off to college out of state after I got us evicted and he moved back home so I do not get to see him much. He had been in town for a few days visiting family but we had not been able to get our schedules straight to hangout yet. So I am pretty excited we are catching up and talking about old times, discussing what is going on with us now. He has a blunt of some Kush that we smoke which makes my stomach feel much better from the vomiting incident. That is when I make the decision that I may regret more than any other in this whole story. I tell my friend the whole story about the car and ask if he has ever tried them. He says that he hasnt so I ask if he wants to split one to try it. He is hesitant at first and in my own defense I did not pressure him in any way. He wrestles the idea around in his head for a little while and decides he is on a quasi-vacation and why not. He has wanted to try it in the past and has not so why not now with his best friend, have a little fun on his vacation. So I do it up chop in into 2 lines and rail mine in one fell swoop. "Hello darkness my old friend." He is a little skiddish with his line he does half up one nostril stops for a minute and does the rest up the other side. I ask why and he explains that he had done a little cocaine through the years and it always made him feel 'off' if he only railed with one nostril so he always alternated. For some unexplainable reason after that I have always done the same thing. No matter how big or small the line if I am putting it up my nose I do half up left half up right still to this day. Anyways I am feeling pretty good. I probably wasted some of the first one with the whole vomiting but now I feel like I am exactly where I want to be. I have that same feeling that I remember so fondly. We sit there and chat some more for about maybe 30 minutes and he is really digging the buzz. He asks if I want to split another one and offers to pay for this one. When you are high everything just feels so right with the world. I can not really explain it but other users will understand what I mean so at this point none of this still feels like a bad idea to me. I am still not an addict in my mind. I am just having a good time. I tell him his money is no good here and proceed to chop up another one. Split it into 2 lines and tell him to go ahead that I am going to wait a few before I do mine. He does his business and now he is really loving it, going on and on about how mellow of a buzz that this is and now he sees what all the rage is about. And I am just all "I know right."

A little while later we have just been relaxing on my couch shooting the shit or whatever enjoying the buzz. Then Amy comes home. She walks in and of course my line is still sitting there on the glass insert of our coffee table. I know that she sees it so I immediately jump into telling her the story about the car and the guy being short us splitting a couple "just a one time thing" I say to her. She is not happy I can tell. She just has that look on her face that I know all too well from all my fuck ups of the past. I am pretty sure if we did not have company she would have completely flipped out on me. She did however still voice her displeasure with the situation in a civil manner. Stating obvious reasons for why I should not be doing this. My friend feels really bad and is being very apologetic and of course taking all the blame saying it was all his idea because he wanted to try them. Which is not exactly or really at all the case but I mean what are friends for if not to help a brotha out with his woman if he is able to. To this point Amy and I have been brutally honest with each other through out our entire relationship.(which is probably why it is the most succesful functional relationship I have ever had) I decide I will just let this one slide it is not a big lie and it seems to have calmed her down and now she is somewhat apologetic about the situation not wanting to offend our company. That day I learned that lies in a relationship even small ones, like many other things, is a very slippery slope. So now all 3 of us are sitting in my living room after a somewhat short period of uncomfortable-ness. We then start talking about what we are going to do for the night. Our friend is in town we have to entertain. We are discussing going out maybe hit the clubs(which I quickly shoot down; I never was a club guy), maybe going to see a movie and grabbing some dinner. I suggest that Amy could invite over one of her slutty friends for my friend. Which leads to her hitting me in the arm and declaring "I don't have any friends like that." Which is not true practically all her friends would fit that description in my opinion but I let it go and move on. We start looking in the paper for movies or any events that are going on in the area. Turns out that their is a Pink Floyd indoor laser light show at this local place in what is usually a planetarium. (They just play Pink Floyd music and have like an indoor laser light show may sound kinda boring for a weekend night out if your not a stoner but it was really awesome) This sounds pretty cool to all of us and then I, just without thinking about how angry she was earlier, blurt out "How cool would it be to get faded on oxy and that Kush and go to that show." She gives me that all too familiar look again and I cringe inside and prepare for her to really get angry this time. She turns to my friend and asks if he will excuse us for just a moment and immediately walks out the door into the hallway. He just stares at me blankly and says flatly "You are a fucking moron." I say nothing and just dutifully follow into the hallway and shut the door behind me. She does not start yelling as soon as the door shuts and I look up to a conflicted face rather than an angry one. "If we do this you have to promise me it is just this one time." I am completely taken off guard by this, she goes on to say a bunch of other things after that about how she likes to have fun too but she does not wanna go down that path again etc etc. But I blanked out after the first bit. I catch back up as she is making me promise her "say it" she said. "I promise." I said without hesitation. Slippier and slippier that slope would become.

So we go back inside and my friend just looks at me inquisitively. Probably wondering if I had screwed up enough that I and therefore he would have to find somewhere else to crash tonight since he was planning on staying with us. I give him a look like "we are good" with a thumbs up and he still looks confused. Amy walks over to the coffee table grabs the pen that I had cut in half to use for the earlier oxy consumption and rails the line that is still sitting in the middle of the coffee table without saying a word. The rest of that night was amazing. Had I had kept that promise that I made in that hallway it would be one of the best nights of my life. I had my two favorite people on this planet with me. We laughed all night we saw the light show. We ate at some Pizzaria that was open all night at 3am. The food was awful but it did not matter in the slightest. We walked the several blocks back to where we had parked earlier in the night singing the thunderous chorus of "Us and Them" at the top of our lungs. We were all Euphoric and stoned and just happy. It was the perfect "last time we do this" night and it should have been the last time I ever touched an opiate. But it wasnt, not by a long shot. I do not know how many of those lovely little pills we went through but it was enough that we all got sick and then did more to the point that we did not care. Amy and I agreed earlier in the night that whatever was left would not even be held onto to sell to make up the money for the car to avoid any temptation. That they would just be tossed out the car window or down the toilet or whatever just as long as they were gone before the night was over. I did not hold on to any of them to sell... but I did not throw them out either. I wish I could say that I at least had them in my hand ready to dump them and then at the last moment decided not to but that would be a lie. I never even considered dumping them. In my mind at the time I rationalized it as I could never do that because it is like burning money. That was not the reason though. I was an addict and now I was awoken. I had a stash already and a connect that told me that he had them whenever I wanted them. I was in love again. The next morning my best friend left my house also with the beginnings of a sickness that we share to this day and I even gave him one for the road. I also started lying to Amy that day. Both of those things (near the top of a long list of other bad decisions I have made in my life) I deeply regret.

-----End Part 3-----

So I am 5 days sober and had the urge to document my struggle. I wrote this in one sitting and never intended it to be this long. This was written on a notepad text document and is taken directly from there with no proofreading or editing. So I apologize for all grammatical spelling and other errors to those who choose to read.

For me it all started oh so innocently. I was 19 years old and out on my own for the first time. A cheap small apartment that was part of a duplex with my roomate. Who was then and is to this day my best friend. We both had minimum wage jobs to cover rent and electricty and all the weed we were smoking at that time. Everything just felt so normal and I felt so alive. Looking back now 10 years later and I do not even think I know what normal feels like anymore.

Neither of us were drinkers. I am not sure how he felt about it really but alchohol just never appealed to me. I mean maybe a beer or two occasionally but never really with the goal of getting hammered drunk. I did not enjoy the process, it just felt laboring to me like I had to work to get that 'not there' feeling that reefer provided with just a few tokes. Weekends were the only time I really partook in the stuff and that was only because everyone else was doing it and admittedly it did help loosen me up when trying to talk girls into sleeping with me. Our whole existence revolved around getting stoned and getting laid. It was a great time in my life. I was young and I was making my own way. The whole world was in front of me. I had decided to take a year off before starting college. It felt like a right of passage after high school before starting my journey into the 'real world'.

We regularly had friends over even on weekdays after work for smoke sessions. I had no extra money for cable and had no need for it. We would just sit around and contemplate the universe while Nirvana or Dr Dre or Pearl Jam provided the background noise. During one of these smoke sessions as a friend was leaving he asked if I could sell him a dime(10$ worth of weed) so he would have something for the next day. I agreed and stuffed a generous amount of my stash into one of those little tiny bags that you buy at your local headshops that I had lying around from a similar purchase I had made a few days ago. I went to hand him the small baggie but before he reached out he stopped and said "I do not have any cash on me". I thought for only a very short moment and told him not to worry about it he could get me back next time. He still did not reach for my outstretched hand that was offering him the reefer. "Or.." he said "we could trade" and he opened his hand and revealed a presicely cut half of a small blue-ish green pill that I would later affectionately refer to as hospital blues. "It is Oxycontin." he said if you want to try it just remove the coating and crush it up and snort it." I was somewhat familiar with snorting having tried cocaine once at a party. I remember him saying so vividly even today that I can still hear his voice saying the words "It will be the best ten dollars you ever spent."(This turned out to be maybe the most incredibly true and incredibly false statement anyone ever made to me.) He went on to explain he would usually get no less than 30$ for this little half of a pill no larger than a tictac and gave me a few further instructions on how to prepare the pill for snorting. He warned me to maybe not do all of it at once or it might make me nauseous which seemed exceedingly rediculous to me at the time for such a small thing. I mean I had obviously heard of Oxycontin as well as how strong and dangerous they were but I had also heard that marijuana would make me a chronic masterbator and a serial rapist so I didnt pay it much attention. I reluctantly agreed having no history of ever using any kind of opiate or even considering it. But he was a friend who regularly got me stoned and I wanted him to have the weed for the next day and he seemed to not want to owe me.

So later that evening everyone else had left and my roomate had passed out on the couch. I decided I was going to go ahead and follow the instructions he had given me for the pill. I had drank a few beers and smoked copious amount of weed already but I was not really tired so I figured at least it might help me sleep. I grabbed my hard cover copy of "The Dark Tower" which was frequently used as my surface for breaking up weed to roll joints or blunts and wiped off any residue with my t-shirt. I remember dipping my fingers in the cup of beer I was drinking to apply moisture to the blue green coating to remove it. After a little awkward fumbling I was finally able to remove the coating. I laid the tiny half of a pill on the book and pulled a lighter and a crisp 20$ bill from my pocket. I laid the twenty flat over this little thing and took the butt end of my lighter and smashed it. I then ran the smooth side of my lighter up and down the bill a few times as instructed. Grabbed a credit card from the table (incidentally a credit card that would soon be maxed out rather quickly as a direct result of these next few moments.) I took the card and scraped any residue that stuck to the 20$ bill back onto the book then I scraped all the powder into one pile. It seemed to still have peices that were sticking together I thought maybe from using to much moisture earlier to remove the coating so I began chopping at the pile with the edge of the card. That chop-chop-chop noise that a card or razorblade makes against a hard surface or glass that would later become in itself theraputic and part of a ritual.

When I was satisfied that I had gotten it to a fine enough powder to suck up my nose I split it into 3 lines. In retrospect not really knowing what I was doing I would not even say I cut them into lines. It was more like 3 tiny little piles. I rolled up the twenty dollar bill and quickly snorted the first one. It burned a little and tasted bitter and like chemicals (again a taste I would grow to love and crave.) I waited a few minutes and did not feel anything. My friend had told me that even snorting it would take a few minutes for the buzz to hit me. I thought to myself that I should probably wait but I went ahead and blew the 2nd pile anyways. Then almost immediately after that I began to feel it. I sat back in my dirty broke down thrift store recliner and it felt like it just washed over me. I even remember the song that was playing, it was a Nirvana cover of a David Bowie song "The Man Who Sold The World". I had never experienced a feeling like this. It felt like someone had wrapped me in a warm blanket of the finest silks the world had ever known. I sat there in that chair as the rush came and it felt like it was the most amazing feeling I would ever feel in my life. I had never felt more content, more worry free. For some reason I thought of those old ads or posters or whatever from I guess after WWII with the wife and 2 kids and the dog and the Husband still in his navy uniform freshly back from the war with the little white hat standing in front of their house with white picket fence. Maybe it was just because being from America that is what was sold as the height of happiness, of contentment. Again being a 19 yr old kid I have no idea why I thought about propaganda posters from WWII but it is and I thought this must be what those people felt like in that picture. I sat there for what seemed like a while but I really have no idea. I only moved to scratch these strange itches that I was almost happy to have because if felt so wonderful to scratch them. When it began to level off I did the 3rd pile and felt the rush all over again and I sat in that chair until the sun came up with what I am sure was a perpetual smile on my face. I, to this day, still wonder how I did not puke my guts out or even get any nausea whatsoever blowing 40 mg of oxy for my first experience with opiates. Looking back I wish that it had made me sick. I wish before I could do that 2nd pile it would have caused me to empty all the contents of my stomach so violently that I threw the rest of that thing away and cursed my friend for ever giving it to me and swore off all opiates forever. But it didnt... There was only the feeling of wonderful bliss for that entire night. Followed by a lifetime of the slavery of chasing that feeling again for the rest of my life.

After that night I was in love. I felt like I had met my soulmate only she didnt have cute dimples and wear mini-skirts. In fact she was not a she at all but a tiny little ball of compressed powder. And if 'she' were in fact a she. She would have turned out to be a jealous, smothering, all consuming, soul sucking succubus bitch. That demanded all my time and resources and possibly ruined my life. The old cliche that I used to laugh off like it was some line from some extreme ludicrous film like Reefer Madness that "You only have to try it once to become addicted." It was true. Not literally of course. I was not dependant on this substance physically. I did not yet need it. But, for me at least, there was no looking back after that. I wanted that feeling all the time and I never even stopped to consider any consequences. It even got bad right away. I already had a hook up in my friend who was their that night who had turned me on in the first place he had a script for 80's because he had some slipped disc in his back. I was spending every penny I made from that minimum wage job on those hospital blues. When the money ran out he was still there with a freebie until the next check came like the devil in a blue dress.

End part 1-----

Today was a decent day. Took my dogs to the dog park, along with my girlfriend and brother. Scotty, my 5 year old male Westie, was a little escape artist and squeezed himself through the fence and enjoyed a taste of freedom but I quickly grabbed his harness and wrangled him back into the fenced-in area. I wish they'd fix the door to the dog park. Having a secure place for your dogs to run around in is kind of the point of a dog park, isn't it? My dogs are so lazy so they didn't really run around much unless one of us had a treat in our hands and made them chase us.

I also brought a basketball to play around with but there were kids playing at every single hoop and they didn't look like they were leaving any time soon so we just left after the dogs stopped being interested in the dog park. I wanted to shoot some hoops because it's been so fucking long since I played basketball. I was on the varsity team back in Elementary and Middle School and probably would have been on a team in High School but then drugs and alcohol took over. I love standing mid-court and just shooting the ball as hard as I can. It's mostly air balls but there's nothing like making a basket from mid-court. It's fucking awesome.

As for drugs, I'm waiting on a bundle of H that is seemingly never going to come through. Bleh. Not even a text back to be like "sorry, couldn't grab it today" but whatever. I'm kind of middle manning a transaction but it seems like the only thing I'm getting from it is a headache. I've hooked people up before but this is so fucking irritating it's not even funny. I'm about to give Person A their money back and call it a fucking day because Person B is being a crazy fucking whore. I'm doing BOTH of them favors by doing this but I just want to step back, hook them up with each other and watch them go nuclear on each other.

Anyway. Fentanyl and hydromorphone can be added to my list of "tried opioids" ... not sure if I'd seek them out again. Maybe the fentanyl lollipops... it's just so relaxing to lie in bed and twirl a lollipop to the side of your cheek and be high before my feet hit the floor. :D If I ever get over my needle issues, I'd most definitely want to retry hydromorphone IV'd. Otherwise, give me oxycodone, oxymorphone or heroin. Stuff that works (almost) just as good snorted as IV'd.

I lost my coke source for the time being. But I'm thinking that's a good thing. I'm trying to taper down the oxycodone quite a bit. Unless this bundle comes through, then I'm going to have a blast...

I really want to go to the Cloisters for some reason.

I have a box full of baseball/basketball cards that I found in my brother's closet... the junkie bitch in me wants to go through them and see if any of them are worth any money but there's like a shit ton of them and I have no idea who any of these people on the cards are. 8) Oh well.

"Print is a dead medium".
I read that on a blog somewhere.

How am I, a humble man who knows little of anything, but has a firm, almost powerful grasp of the alphabet and its associated language; all of the little phricatives and fonemes hiding between the pages, and poetry that has us moving our tongues as if in some delightfully well-orchestrated dance, suited for anything other than writing? Ah, I know that I swapped the "ph" and "f" just now, but who cares? The butchery of language by txt-speak has long since begun, though it has not yet ended.

Men in the Heian period have written "the young these days, they do not know how to speak properly", and I suppose that must be correct throughout the generations and generations of men and women born into the world, their speech altered by culture and tainted with convenience; the english that I grew up with and decided, in all seriousness, to devote my life to penning with neat handwriting (my handwriting is anything but neat), or what life remains in these toxic bones, is now something different and alien where people say "s wut ru uptu 2dy?" and I'm supposed to understand them.

It's a different language, I suppose: the division of words into their component sounds, which are then created with various letters to sound correct? But we've already done that by assigning a series of sounds; a particular set of sounds that are interesting and clever and full of interesting information that I should probably be able to list in this entry... so, why do it again? Convenience? I can't understand it and I speak the bloody language, or thought I did...

Does any of this have something to do with the youth of today being largely illiterate? I doubt they're illiterate at all! Not one. They can likely all speak, and as texting has largely replaced telephhone conversation as a thing, well, I'd imagine they'd find some way to communicate with others.

Maybe they just see the dictionary of 'correct English' (not that there is one but let's pretend there was for you all know what I mean) as some sort of archaic and draconian collection of mundane linguistic platitudes created with rules that were meant to be bent until their shape became almost unrecognisable in many cases, or simply broken, all decided long ago (decades, if you can fathom it) by old men with beards, and so it must be avoided in order to rebel and be cool?

But, it WASN'T decided by men with beards; there were WOMEN doing some of the deciding, too! It would be an insult to my character for anyone to even suggest that I'd ever consider that, by their very nature, the possibility of a woman growing a thick, sexy beard could be impossible: I am not a sexist and thus there were many men and women whose ability to accumulate large clumps of thick and fearsome facial hair, heretofore unimaginable in nature of curliness, colour and length was legendary and still is, and there and then they decided the rules of language... possibly, I hope, whilst wearing black hooded capes and with a blood sacrifice.

I do like "proper" English, though. There's a word for the dialect and I just can't recall it at this point in time: today's one of those days where I've forgotten everything. I also like the fact that language diversifies over time when left in different environments, such as in the cases of Australia, England, America, and other countries whose populations might not regularly frequent the English-speaking world of England, and so they make up their own rules by consensus, adding some, deleting others, and it's pleasant to even see various dialects being employed, though there's always the moment where one has to alter their dialect to suit the 'class' of the person you're sharing a dialogue with, which is what I've seen many man shamelessly do, as if speaking in a normal, middle-class dialect is offensive..!

But anyway, books are dead.
We have machines that can now store millions of them, or rather, their contents, and read every word aloud into our ears, so that we need never look either at their ancient and dusty pages, stored for millenia and wondered over and enjoyed, nor the headache-inducing and sleek, shiny screens that these devices come with.

Anyway, what should I do now that my profession is in danger? Flee?
I just have to change things a little: presenting things in eBook form is potentially far better for me. No agents or publishers getting in my way, nobody telling me that they'd rather I changed something to something else, and I can write whatever I want, regardless of popular opinions or what Dan Brown's got on the shelves these days - if Tom Hanks refuses the film's script, Nicholas Cage will pick it up! - and so now I can appeal to a larger audience without having to pay a penny, I can give people a taste without them needing to pick anything up: just a click!

And who can resist a click for something free and interesting? The Nigerian Viagra salesmen with the trick to looking 30 years younger using a secret household recipe in just 6 weeks can't be wrong if they're still playing that game today; the same game from 20 years ago...

So, with the antique writing desk and various writing utensils I've acquired, surrounded (and leaning on) other books, some masterpieces and some trash, I'll try to make my mark somewhere in the middle: clever trash, or a trashy masterpiece, which will keep everyone happy, especially since I'll then be able to make printed copies available. But, unfortunately, everyone's having this brainwave and doing things the same way. Soon someone will come up with something so incredible and simple that I'll cover my face with my hand, just like Picard, and sigh and wonder why I wasn't willing to squeeze a few more moments of thought out of my mind onto the subject of sales. But, still, it's not that much of a problem...

So, the language is toast, but that's what everyone's been saying since language began.
Books are out, though they'll always be dear to many...
And writing is still a potential profession, though 100 years ago far fewer people could do it.
I should celebrate illiteracy statistics; it means less competition in the years to come!

a continuation...

So it was that I made plans to head up to Luzon and my sublet condo in Makati. Naturally Lovely, my new paramour, had expected that I would be spending New Years Eve with her. I quickly shut her down by claiming to have a long standing appointment at the Israeli Embassy in Makati, a municipality comprising part of the gargantuan urban sprawl known far and wide as "Metro Manila." Being a virgin kept Lovely from joining me on the trip (Thank G-D). Her father actually would have let her go since we are getting "married," but as a Barangay Captain (village chief)- or in the present at least, attempting to regain his position as village chief- meant that the behavior of all four of his unmarried daughters must be well beyond reproach...ergo, no Luzon.

The preceding provides the backstory for my New Years Eve busride from Manila to Angeles City, to meet Joysa for our hastily arranged "date" at her Aunt Gemma's home. I had hoped to gently let Joysa down at what we had planned to be a beautiful, but quiet holiday evening at the rooftop pool at Citiland De La Rosa, the sublet condo I keep in Makati. Going to Angeles City definitely threw me off kilter. Alcohol and family tension are never good together. As a foreigner everything I said and did would be held under a microscope and when I gave Joysa the old heave ho the family would be sure to see Joysa upset and at that point all bets were off.

On Mindanao I am always well armed with, at the very least, my Jericho 9MM sidearm. Usually I tote an AR15, an assault rifle (civilain version of the American Military's piece d'resistance, the M16). Off of Mindanao however, things are much different. Philippine Gun Laws actually do permit a Foreigner to posses a fully liscenced sidearm- IF one is willing and able to grease half a dozen greedy palms. The far simpler endeavour is to have one's Filipina wife obtain the requisite liscence. As long as she is with you, you can carry "her" sidearm although it is technically illegal. Only shotguns and sidearms are legal for civilians...or so the story goes. Roughly, every two years or so, the sitting President will launch a weapons amnesty programme that allows one to grandfather in semi and fully automatic assault rifles, with no limit as to how many.

The liscence is only for Possesion, not for Carry. Still, in Mindanao noone outside the largest cities is ever called on the carpet for carrying an assault rifle down the street. The result.is the heaviest concentration of weaponry in all of Southeast Asia, and one of the highest concentrations in the world. Of course there are also dozens of well armed paramilitaries and insurgent organisations as well and they also have recoiless rifles, mortars, hand, rifle, and rocket propelled grenades (RPGs) into the mix for a pot pourri of death and destruction.

Travel north of Mindanao and it is a much different story. While there is, in selected areas, a fair amount of armed warfare attributed to the NPA (New People's Army, the Maoist insurgent organisation) and its myriad offshoots (chief among them the RPA, Revolutionary Proletariat Army, a Leninist clique), civilians do not openly carry weaponry. Therefore, when travelling north of Mindanao I almost always do so unarmed. The one exception to this being Cebu where Rizza's parents also have a house, and where her father Mario's family live. Of course I rarely travel to Cebu now because that is where Rizza absconded and where she remains, living with her lover. The rare times I do go to the island I avoid its capital, Cebu City, and relegate my visit to the adjoining municipalities of Compostela and Danao. The former is Mario's hometown and it is there, with his siblings (Rizza's aunts and uncles), that we drop our bags before heading to the latter town, Danao.

In my travels I have only ever found a single place that even approximates Danao. Peshawar, in Pakistan, is home to a famed bazaar, known in English, as the "Smugglers Bazaar." Actually, it sits just outside the city, directly on the border with Pakistan's Northwest Fronteir Province. It is part of another, much larger market actually within the city limits. Northwest Frontier Province is, and always has been, offlimits to foreigners. Although today the main justification is the Taliban Insurgency, centered there and in Waziristan Region, the province has always been wracked by mind numbing violence related to the Pathan, or, Pashtun Tribe, which aside from being the dominant ethnicity in neighbouring Afghanistan, also comprises the most powerful grouping in Northwest Province.

Smugglers Bazaar is seperated from the bazaar proper by a cast iron swinging boom and two modestly armed Pakistani soldiers. Entry can be obtained by a special permit issued by the local government. The permit has never been particularly easy to obtain even long before the Taliban reared its ignorant head. One must not only grease a multitude of palms but also pay for an armed squad of Pakiatani soldiers and an "official" driver, in addition to an "official" guide to accompany the intrepid visitor. A much simpler method is to just engage one of many local Pathan Tribesmen to "guide" your visit to the bazaar. When I visited in the mid-1990s this only set me back $10.00, in US Currency. Whose to say what it would cost today?

The most interesting thing for me was, naturally, the heroin. In small market stalls eager shope keepers would beguile you with samples of #2 (freebase) and #4 (hydrochloride), offering guaranteed delivery to a wide range of nations for a minimum purchase of one kilogramme. Opium and hashish are also plentiful. For purposes of my current entry though, I am really only concerned with the bazaar's weapons.

to be continued...

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Day1 Start
Ill go to shop soon get lot of juice and fruits.. Another bad thing that i have planty of subs left in my capboard i need to put tripple lock on it and drop a key to the local river
4.48pm Anxiety continue valium helps much runny nose a bit, cats eyes im walking around my room cant sit on one place for long.. small dose of mxe 20-30mg on top nothing to lose anyway..
5.03pm Mxe 35mg snorted will see if it makes changes as boring to walk around my sofa with cats eyes and listn house music..
5.21pm Mxe heating up im start walking slower around my sofa waiting fo rubber body..
5.28pm Half of wd symptoms gone feeling much better..
5.34pm all symptoms gone i feel amazing only runny nose left no pain so it works ))
5.40pm im dancing in my room with happy mood and runny nose...
5.46pm runny nose stopped just feel great ...
I have enough mxe to stay on it 4-5days and valium to sleep then i cut mxe and taper valium...
6.47pm i start yawn often but i feel great and dancing snorted extra 25mg mxe
7.16pm all fine i dont feel any wd symptoms
9.07pm im thinking to go to local club i cant stop dance
9.47pm had a shover feeling like im normal human no changes visuals no wd symptoms.. going to shop when my head dry.
9.57pm going to local china takeaway get sup and sweet sour chicken, not dancing anymore, but as soon as i hear music its all start again
10.22pm while walk home from shop i yawn every minute and watered eyes, but inside clear mind and no pain at all.. As i know MXE magic finish only after u have good sleep..
i feel good no visuals just rubber body thats it..
10.45pm start to fill some dicomfort try to watch a movie but cant lie on the sofa so i decide to add 10mg mxe and after movie 5mg valium expecting to fall a sleep @2am
11.16pm 10mg removed all discomfort and im torally fine watching movie and gona enjoy dinner..
Valium make a Huge differance when i use MXE on its own it throw me to other planet, if use with, no other planets and no pain ...
3l slobber spit in toilet today

Today I bought a box of 30 capsules of 300mg Gabapentin Neurontin brand.
Then I had a large meal at 11.30am at Burger King. BTW, I'm a little fat.

During the day, I did Pregabalin, reaching 4000mg at 9pm.
I did 500mg Naproxen at 6pm.
During the day, did 4 or 5 5mg Diazepam pills, reaching 20-25mg 9.30pm.
I did 1ug Clonidine at 9.30pm too.
I also did 300mg Carisoprodol at 3pm and another 300mg Carisoprodol at 8pm.
I drank a glass of pure grapefruit juice at 7.30pm. Then, at 8pm, I did 400mg Codeine.
Lastly, I did 8mg oral 2C-E.

It's 9.40pm right now, I feel... warm and a little fuzzy. Will play Dark Souls until I feel stronger effects. I have no idea what will happen.


10.40pm; I'm nodding a little but I feel fine. I', doing 3mg 2C-E more and 300 Gabapentin, taken with Coca-Cola.

11.30pm: I'm very hungry, probably because of the Pregabalin, but I know I shouldn't eat because of the 2C-E. I'm taking a Cafiaspirine Plus because I'm sleepy and nodding a little.
I mean... I'm between calling the delivery for a pizza while on heavy drugs and probably passing away, or enduring this and enjoying the night. That's why I don't want to sleep yet..

11.50pm: I'm suddenly nodding BADLY. Lights are sparky and I can see CEV and some mild OEVs... will the Caffeine keep me awake or I'll fall to sleep?

12.45: I'm tripping balls. But I'm also veeery tired. I want to sleep but the CEVs and OEVs are overwhelming. Still I'm feeling fine, gonna take 5mg Diazepam.

Hey everybody, I'm new to this website so idunno if i'm even using it properly but i'm having one hell of a time trying to find some DMT in this city.

a continuation...

After figuring out that we would have to live on Mindanao we ended up, at my suggestion, discussing whether we might build an addition onto the family home. Lovely was immediately enthusiastic about the idea and broached the idea with her parents. Unlike the West, the Philippines does not look down upon grown children living with their parents. Indeed, such a living arrangement is idealised by all the many ethnicities that collectively form the Filipino People.

Not suprisingly.Lovely's parents were very pleased with the suggestion and offered us the side of the house adjacent to the bay upon which to build our addition. We quickly decided on a "sala," or living room that would branch off from the family kitchen. Our very large sala will then segue into our large bedroom, which will be seperated from the sala by french doors. A third of the bedroom will hold a large CR, aka "Comfort Room," which is Fil-English for the loo. Between the CR and the bedroom wall will be a decently sized walk in closet. One wall will face the bay, and will hold a 3 meter long picture window, 1.5 meter high, offering an expancive view of the palmrtree lined bay. The other wall, facing the front yard- actually a walled compound as is the custom with people of means on Mindanao, albeit much smaller than Rizza's family compound- and the front of the family home. At Lovely's father's suggestion, a portico will run the entire length of that wall, segueing into an extant portico that runs along part of the facade of the family home. For natural light, that wall will have a 2 meter high section of glass masonary block. Running almost the entire length of that wall, minus the length fronting the walk in closet, each row of glass block will be a different colour, with 8 different rows, offering a gentle stained glass-like interior lighting that will bathe the sala. In addition, we will have three large clear skylights in the ceiling, two in the sala, and a single, significantly larger one in the bedriom ceiling, under which our bed will lay, offering us starlight at night.

I was suprised when Lovely's father handed me the estimated cost. I had been pegging it at less than P60,000 ($1,300). The estimate came in at nearly that for labour alone, with P55,000. Materiel was pigeonholed at P77,000, for a grand total od P132,000 ($2,800), and this doesnt include plumbing, electrical, fixtures, and tile. In the estimate Lovely's father was meticulous, breaking it down to boxes of nails. Still, running businesses gives me a very good idea about both materiel AND labour. Lovely saw that I was shocked and got very, very defencive.

While discussing labour costs, Lovely scoffed at my questioning the projected daily pay of each labourer to be employed, whichin her father's estimation would be P500 ($10.35) each day. Seeing as how I, along with Rizza's parents, carry more than 200 labourers (in addition to employees in other capacities) in our mills and on our farms, I naturally believed I knew a bit about local wages. We pay all our labourers not working on a piece work basis, from P200 to P350 ($4.20 to $7.35) per day, and in doing so are one of the best paying employers in Caraga (our "Region" consisting of five provinces). To be fair I looked at construction wages. This is not so simple endeavour as one might imavine, seeing as how most on Mindanao live in "nipas," the bamboo framed and nipa palmtree frond shacks that litter the Mindanowan countryside. More substantial dwellings of the "haves" are usually built for landowners who-like us- utilise their own labour pool without adjusting the wage structure so as to make labourers' wages more commensurate to the job at hand. In other words, when I need an outbuilding constructed, I simply assign fifteen of my labouters under one of our supervisors and those unlucky fiftren will then make the same pay as someone shoveling goat shit or replanting tice seedlings in one of our paddies.

There is actually a Minimum Wage here, or, rather, scores of Minimum Wages. Each "Region," and each profession is nailed to a specific Minimum Wage. Mindanao is the least expencive part pf the Philippines, and of Mindanowan "Regions," mine, Caraga (aka Region 13), is the second least expencive. Lovely's municipality, Nasipit, is also located in Caraga, albeit more than 100km to the north, directly on the coast and therefore-with or without a higher Minimum Wage, wages are substantially higher.

Finally agreeing on overall cost, I began to tie up my affairs in San Franz, my current home in Rizza's family's compound. A bigger concern perhaps, certainly in terms of my personal safety and my local profile, is my involvement with BULIF, the local paramilitary. Over the last year and a half I have branched out into a rather profitable sideline, assault rifle sales. My role in the paramilitary offers me an umbrella for End User Certificates, something that would be impossible without my close association.

I could still turn a pretty peso by having weaponry delivered to official consignees like the AFP (Armed Forces of the Philippines) and the PNP (Philippine National Police) but my margin would be much narrower, and all other sales would have to stop.

In terms of my safety, having nearly 300 well armed men at my beck and call does wonders for one's peace of mind. Because BULIF's primary raison d'etre is to carry the AFP's Force Multuplication efforts directly into the Hilltribes' domains, versus the Maoist NPA (New People's Army), disassociating myself from the paramilitary could cost me my life. Nasipit, the municipality I will soon call home, is almost entirely free of NPA influence- let alone NPA control. The last NPA-related incident of note was a botched assasination attempt against former President Gloria M.Arroyo in 2010, that failed miserably as the AFP rallied its forces and pushed the NPA back into the bush after it briefly occupied Butuan-Iligan National Hiway.

The NPA element with OpCon over Nasipit is Front 4A, of the NCMRC (Northcentral Mindanao Regional Command). Although NCMRC has, over the last year, enjoyed a considerable resurgence that brought it full force from the brink of extinction, Front 4A remains the weakest of the six Fronts in that Regional Command. Likewise, the bulk of BULIF's interaction with the NPA has been with the NEMRC (Northeast Mindanao Regional Command) the NPA has urban assasination teams called SPARU (Special Armed Red Partisan Units), almost always mis-transliterated by laymen as "SPARROW," as in the bird. SPARU work in three to five man teams and use automatic handguns in daylight killings in heavily populated areas. I already have a Bounty on my head, a paltry sum by Israeli and Western standards but this is an island where $70.00 gets you a daylight killing by two men teans riding tandem on a single motorcycle. Ergo, I reckon I should not be too depressed that my Bounty is pegged at $1,300.00.

With all these considerations it is a given that I will retain my position with BULIF, at least for the forseeable future. I will commute, though most of my interaction will be via one of two designated proxies I have had in place for much of the last year.

Rizza's family and I are still untangling the deeply entwined business, property, and financial assets that we have fully co-mingled for near on fifteen years. I have long had two personal attorneys on retainer here, above and beyod the attorneys we jointly retain for our business and property-related endeavours.

to be continued...

I've just stared to come of my lorazepam cut it down by 5 mi is this ok
Thanks

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Day 3 Start very early
1.50am i went to bed coz i feel tired of watching movies i fall a sleep.
3.45am wake up, start sneezing and some discomfort and pain on my back and legs, im immediately took 10mg mxe and ill hope it will go the same way like yesterday, i fall a sleep in the morning but will switch off all alarms on my phone this time, coz sleep is very important, more u sleep, more your body cleaning out of suboxone, and u recovering..
4.25am all pain gone i start yawning listen to house music and dance a bit..

================================================== ================================================== =========
Day2 start early:
went to bed 1.56am 4.49am wakeup feel absolutely normal if this condition where im now called suboxone WDS, i can say that all that story only to scare ppl, or ppl giveup on first day coz they scare themself with memory of last wds, like me 1.5year been scared to stop if i feel mild wd, im already start remember that story about my naltrexonone experience and 1 mg xanax and running to my cupboard to get my daily sub dose..
I dont know what to do @5am but in this condition when im now i can easily go to work all function normal. I dropped on top 5mg valium maybe ill get a bit sleep out of it...
Who knows maybe ill cut mxe today ill keep u updated.. And when i sleep 2h40min i seen erotic dreams instead of scary like u see on H wds
5.10am i only now realise I done a mistake that i dropped that 5mg Valium, now the door to other planet from MXE is close
5.28am i feel warm sleepy again, but i will surf the net for some time i still got 3days off work so it is doesn't matter what time i go for a sleep and i live alone in a flat so nobody can push me or say anything.
5.44am checked my pupils in a mirror, looks like they work like they should, they not big that was yesterday and they react on light normally. Pinched myself YES i feel the pain now, but i dont feel any wd symptoms at all! i forgot to state b4 bed, i went to toilet and stool was normal, no diarrhoea or stomach pain..
6.48am another 5mg valium dropped i want to fall a sleep i need more then 3h i still feel no wd symptoms, no pain or anything i feel good, i got one beer and enjoying it now..
7.30am had a shower very helpfull, but after that i start feel discomfort in my legs, i decide to fix it with 7mg mxe
7.45am mxe start working symptoms going down..
8.35am i feel fresh all pain gone but i start sneeze ones in 30min
9.00am i feel good no visuals just rubber body thats it gona go to shop soon new day begin
9.15am i decide to make a good breakfast two eggs, cup of coffee cheese and salami on toast, no wd symptomps at all and i feel like i just wakeup.. I forgot when i last time make a breakfast, usually i wakeup drink cup of coffe and snort my 0.5 dose of suboxone NOT THIS TIME
10.45am i watching serials all fine but i feel sleepy i think gona fall a sleep soon again..
11.45am i feel sleepy but cant fall a sleep just watching movies wanna go out i need fruits bananas,apples,oranges, and 5l of juice apple cherry
12.00pm i fall a sleep in deep sleep without any dream just blak hole..
4.05pm i wake coz im forgot to switch off my alarms on the phone, a bit sweat no discomfort no pain feel, not cold or hot feel fine, gona go take shower then will see what to do.
4.25pm i sleep 6h.40min in total on first day i think it is a good results, after shower no wd symptoms just feel normal and my mind dont want that dose sub any-more.
4.30pm Pinched myself i feel the pain, checked my eyes in a mirror and they are impressed me i see pupils they work normally it pleases me and give positive attitude, i can see exit it is not far from me..
4.50pm i feel pain in my stomach, just ones so i decide to drop there 2mg loperamide
5.30pm i feel normal no pain or wd symptoms looks like suboxone gone , time to disconnect MXE
6.30pm feel perfect listening house tracks on youtube, been in a toilet stool is fine ill say perfect , not like suboxone constipation!!
7.40pm Finally i did it, i went to local store got 4l juice, apples, oranges,bananas i feel a bit tired and sleepy after that walk but no discomfort or pain or wd symptoms..
8.25pm start feel a bit discomfort, in my legs and back, also sneeze 3-4times - night is coming u all know what that mean low dose of MXE say 5mg will fix all this easy
8.40pm gona ring my mate, bankholiday today, all clubs in town blowingup, maybe go there have some good time, as i tired to sit at home.. Dance will give lot of dopamine wich is needed and it is good exercise, also u no need to drink alcohol, there as they sell juice and water everywhere..
8.50pm MXE done 7mg all pain coming down, searching local clubs where the house music playing tonight, as i dont interested in any other kind of dance music, house and trance will help a lot.
9.00pm i understood where was mistake i done too much MXE on my first day, low dose like 10mg remove all wd symptoms completely!!
9.15pm a bit anxiety, and yawning started i think it coz i didnt took my 5mg valium yet..
9.45pm pain gone, but anxiety not, i will take 5mg valium..
9.50pm i took 5mg valium with juice, and dancing in my room.. my mate let me down no clubs tonight, coz he have to sit with a baby..
10.05pm im learning how to dance salsa on youtube video ,all gone now pain anxiety all fine..
11.00pm thats 5mg valium make me very sleepy, but i dont wanna go for bed now, wanna watch some movies..
================================================== ================================================== =========

Luckily i got long weekend this week it is 5days and ill gona do it ill let u know how it going and like i sad i will use MXE if i feel realy bad i drop my suboxone dose from 0.5mg to 0.1mg by Thursday then from friday happy time begin )

Originally Posted by Anon54
doesnt dxm block opiate receptors? maybe that's why it works. never tried it.
it might work great but those doses are pretty recreational. dxm is a drug where EVERYONE can see ya off ya face on something. i mean ya eyes go larger than than the would off half a gram of meth & ya stagger around like ya drunk & laugh at everything. might be ok if u dont have anything u need to do like work
I tried MXE 100mg-300mg while on suboxone and it take me to other planet and anesthesia was very good i didnt feel my body at all even at low dose like 30mg body is rubber, so i think it will remove all the pain but im not sure what will be in my head? Im not gona stay on MXE for long time, just 2days the bad ones then when i feel better i just cut MXE an start lowering valium or ill lower valium now to 5mg..

I also got Naltrexone but i think it doesnt help in my situation to speedup sub wd? because suboxone already contains Naloxone that is the same thing but not that powerful?

Ususally i wake up and i feel bad i feel cold all the time b4 i get my 0.5mg sub but NOT TODAY!
Yesturday last dose suboxone,
about 4pm it was 0.5mg, and at night i been doing mxe and valium, had a great time now wakeup with bit anxiety, no sigh of sub wd at all, i had cup of coffe and 5mg valium..
Now that anxiety coming down so feel better.. i think i can do it And mxe with valium works different just a rubber body and warm feeling no disconnection from the body when close your eyes and listen to music.. Ones i been far far away on Mxe that i completely lost in time, i been travelling about 20h done 4times redose ~100mg each. That been dream of the dreams i spend 20h with closed eyes lieng on the sofa listening to di.fm lounge and chill channels..

And ones i went cold turkey using naltrexone and i have only 1mg Xanax i been thinking that it swith me off and i fall a sleep while take naltrexone i was wrong, what an idiot i had very bad wds, i ride a bicycle on my sofa all night, and run to toilet every 2mins with horrible diarrhoea and stomach cramps! i dont know how i survive that night . That was wds from codeine and as soon as sun goes up i run to local streets and found junkys there, when they see me i even cant stand normal, i been jumping from pain so they help me to get tripple dose of H, since then i get addicted to H for couple of month while waiting a que to the doctor in local clinic..

Cousins are the last outlet of the bloodline. I wanted to visit and say hi.
Yet again another drunk night stopped that. Mother, father, lil sis: we all want you there. "But I'm busy" Busy getting shit faced and feeling sorry for myself.
Wait what!?!?!? Another fight?? Lil sis threatened to punch mom in the face??
FUCK Again I wasn't there to help. Another missed opportunity to be "there"

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Been kicking morphine and oxys etc. For about a week. I have know idea how I have pulled it off at work. It has been the worst time off my life. Gonna keep going. One more night of work and the 2 days off. Should start seeing the light soon. But it's been about a 10 yr habit so maybe not. Thanks for the help. You know who you are. Nice to know people still give a shit.