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It's been quite some time but hey I remember it like it was yesterday. :3

The date was August 12th, 2012 when two friends and I decided to catch the skytrain down into the heart of Vancouver, English Bay. It was my friend E's (not trying to make a pun or anything, her name starts with an E) first time and my friend K's second. That day K and I had 4 pills in total of tested MDMA, going off of what my brother said about them (he had two the night before and said it wasn't too intense) we decided to double drop them while E had about 3/4's of one of our last batches cap.

We all dosed at the same time and went on a fantastic walk along Vancouvers sea wall overlooking a few marina's and the bay, we continued to a lagoon set inland a bit and sat down there a bit because K had started to feel a bit nauseous, I told her that this is perfectly normal and that it is not something to be very worried about. After a few minutes of laying in the grass listening to some music over the ipod dock K decided to try and vomit. My friend E went with her behind some bushes out of sight on a very lightly traveled trail, I was unsure if I should have followed or not in case K was embarrassed or something.

During this time alone I definitely started to feel the drug take hold. For me it was not too intense, I've dealt with harsher come ups before, that's for sure! My friend E returned looking to something to help K vomit, I found an unopened tooth brush in my bag from the that I got from the dentist a while back and happily handed it over, still unsure if I would be welcome back there. Eventually they both emerged and K told me she was unable to vomit (which it normal for her anyways) so I offered her some Gatorade and gum which she gladly accepted. After a few minutes I convinced her to sit upright instead of laying down on her back, the second she sat up I saw her face light up with joy and pure ecstasy. Boom! Just like that all negative feelings gone and she was ready to get up and trek on.

As we were gathering up our things a group of German tourists on bikes approached us and asked us for directions. Since we live in the suburbs both K and I were completely clueless and unable to help but E who was starting to feel the effects of her dose at that point happily directed the tourists as she knows Vancouver like a well educated tourist. As we ventured on along the path around the lagoon I noticed a few tortoises just hanging out in the lagoon on surfacing logs and stones. It was a bad idea to point it out because immediately K wanted to go in after them! Seeing how we were getting into a more public place E and I took control of the situation and told her, "Would a sober 18 year old girl go swimming in a muddy lagoon after a tortoise?" She got the hint and fought her inner child until we cleared that lagoon.

We were now on a path with a small creek the our left and a forest on our right heading towards the ocean, as we approached the end on the path we reminded K to be on her best behavior as we were about to embark through a park with a playground and all. We walked through the park and passed the playground and continued onto a continuation of the sea wall we were previously on. There was a concession stand selling popsicles so both K and E got one then we continued onto the beach.

We walked along the beach for a bit enjoying the sensation of sand on our bare feet. We found a quieter spot along the beach and set up camp, pulled out the ipod dock again and started our summer playlist. At this point my friend K decided to drink her one Stella Artois she brought from home while E and I just laid back in the sun and enjoyed the atmosphere. After K drank her beer she and I decided it was time for a swim, and oh man was that a good idea...

I honestly cannot describe swimming in the ocean on a hot sunny day in august while on mdma... I could try but wouldn't even cover half of what I want to say.

Sadly swimming was cut short when K decided to do a full on dive in 3 feet of water, I guess that's why you shouldn't mix drugs and water. Anyways no serious injuries, she scrapped up her face a tad on a rock but nothing that wouldn't heal. After that incident I told her to get into shallower water or and sit down in it or to just get out (fearing another, more serious injury.) We both wander back to shore and go straight back to the tunes. E was doing fine, mind you she didn't take a full dose but she was happy with it, K decided to start to build a sand castle and wow was it ever a castle. Complete with water defensive's and armored shell walls, sadly three lady bugs lost their life in the process of building it. I honestly don't know how but K kept finding and killing (by accident) lady bugs in the sand.

After we all peaked and had some time to mellow out we decided to continue the walk along the sea wall which headed to the busiest part of the beach and back into more populated area. Of course at this point I had adventure music blasting from the speaking in my bag making it all that much more epic. I turned down the music when we started to approach the main drag down to english bay, as we walked a bit further we noticed a slick little pub on the beach front. We were all underage but had fake id's that got us each a nice cool drink.

After chilling there for a bit we paid our tab and tipped VERY generously and continued on our way. As we exited the pub we bumped into someone we went to highschool with who didn't even question that we were exciting a pub. Talked to her for a bit and went on our merry way without her knowing that we were rolling face.

As we randomly wandered the streets of Vancouver we made that mistake of going into another bar... this is where it kinda gets messy. Since it was K's bithday (the main reason we rolled that day) and E was going away in three days to attend collage in teh states I decided to buy us all a pitcher to split. In hindsight I wish we just kept walking because I drank most of that pitcher myself. E had a glass and then had to take off to meet another friend, at this point we were all definitely coming down. It was much more obvious for K and I that we were coming down apposed to E because she was never fully up there but she seemed good enough to be able to venture on by herself.

After E left K and I finished the pitcher and just chilled for a bit in the bar. After we finished the pitcher we decided it was time to start heading home, so we headed out the door and started walking. Took us a while but we made it back to the skytrain and boarded it looking forward to getting into the comforts of our own homes.

Around 30ish minutes later we get off the train and wait for our bus at the bus loop still feeling the effects of the mdma taken earlier. We hopped on our bus and blasted music through our earbuds until my stop came. I asked her if she was okay to go home and if not I suggested just hanging out at the park until she felt normal enough to deal with parents and siblings. She told me she was fine so I happily walked home pumping some Feed Me.

That was by far I think my best roll. Not necessarily because it was the best mdma I've had or because it was the longest, but because of the general atmosphere and that I got to share it with my two best friends.

If you can handle yourself in public I would really suggest to try a beach roll!

That's what I remember for now, I'll edit it if I remember anything else, hope you enjoyed.

Yesterday I learnt that you had started seeing someone. Whilst it's only been a short while since we broke up, we had many issues for a long time beforehand so this should come as no surprise. What has surprised me however is my response. In a way im jealous. Not that shes with you but that I cannot imagine myself moving on yet but you have with ease or what looks like ease. Perhaps thats just on the surface, guess I will never know.

On a day like today however, I do feel down about this but will keep on reassuring myself that I too in time will be ok. A glass of red wine in the interim will placate me.

Ok man lets use this as our place we can speak freely it should be secure. when you get done with that your doing click save draft NOT POST NOW!!!!!.

ok we need to do whats called steam distilation. this is a good basic overview with quality pictures http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steam_distillation.

The library has some good referance books but I cant check them out. Im going to make photo copies and snail mail them to you.

This looks promising but I am not sure because its not talking about steam distillation so read it and tell me what you think. http://www.ehow.com/how_7766393_extract-sassafras-oil.html

Ok this is the plant species we most likely have. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sassafras_albidum

Im ok. I had a bit of withdrawal but its relatively kept in check. I still feel kind of shitty, though. I didn't sleep much...because of the kava/booze. Oh well.

So two beers and three lips of kava. I'll let everyone know how im doing tomorrow afternoon. I hope to goodness I don't get withdrawal symptoms (though I had hands sweating (while playing a video game, but still it was too much not for something to be up) and a fast hear beat earlier). I like alcohol, but I can see how its dark, as in how it could suck the soul away. Its like weed's very different brother. They both offer euphoria, and are somehow each "grown up" in their own way. I was going to say that alcohol is weed's older brother but they are each older, if that makes any sense.

Well, I caved. I took GABAergics. I had two fat lips of kava and im sipping on this beer. Hope it doesn't hurt me too much. I'll report tomorrow.

Started a new medication yesterday, so I'm on two now. Oh well. I'm doing ok but am having trouble keeping negative thoughts from incapacitating me. I feel the pull of beer. Argg.

literally. i'm looking around my (mom's) house, noticing the pile of dishes by the sink, the dog hair on the floor, and the armchair chock to the brim with clean but unfolded clothes. some of the dishes are mine, some of the clothes are mine, the dog hair does not belong to me because i have no dog. i kind of have a headache and haven't slept much this week, and can't even take a nap because i've smoked too many cigarettes and drank too much tea today. i can't help but feel that i'm deliberately wasting time, but i really don't feel like contributing to the current state of this household. i stayed out last night and upon my arrival home again, i ask my sister if she wants to go to a local county park to swim, she doesn't. she asks how the party was last night, i say good (and yes, i stayed sober). she says, "you needa do the dishes, you haven't done them in days" truth be told though, nobody has done them in days, including her.
truth be told, nobody gives a fuck about this household. my mom comes home, has a mike's hard lemonade, and usually sits on the swinging bench outside and stares out into space. my sister does things around the house more than either my mother or myself, only to hear my mother complain about how she doesn't want to do "this" anymore, how she wants to live in her own house, without horses or dogs or kids. my little sister is seventeen. to me, this is understandable on my mother's part, she's had a hard ride. to the daughter and sister in me, this is incredibly brutal to not me, because i'm twenty, but more so to my little sister, because she's only going to be a junior this year and feels as if my mother is jumping ship, because she emotionally already has.
my mother also notices things and doesn't do them, but complains about how it's a personal smack on her that things get left undone. i work two jobs, and i frankly have about as much time to play mommy a my mother does. for instance, trash day is on monday. on either tuesday or wednesday, my mom says to me, "i can't believe that i have to ask you to do this, but the trash can is still by the road- you haven't noticed?" honestly, no, i hadn't noticed, but she obviously had. another brilliant example: my mom walks in five minutes ago, coming home from skydiving as a part of her birthday celebration. she gives me a brief blurb of her experience skydiving, starts to walk away, turns to me again, and says "hey, i have jello arms. could you bring in the cooler that's in my car? it can't stay out there". now maybe i'm a lazy piece of ungrateful shit, which yes, i am quite known for in this family and can admit this for myself, but damn, that woman seriously overplays the depressed burn-out card.
so, i don't want to do a damn thing, not even for myself at this point. do i expect them to get done because i notice that they haven't been? no. i have clothes to wash but they can wait. i have papers to print but can't because i don't have a printer, they can wait until wednesday when i can get to the library. maybe i'm wrong, and i'm sure that on some level that i am, but the dishes can wait as well, the dog hair can stay until my sister picks it up, and the mountain range of laundry sitting both on the chair in the living room and in front of the washing machine can wait as well. even if this house were cleaned top to bottom, right now, it would be trashed again within three days so i don't see the sense.
and fuck my life, my mom just fucking walked up to me again, asked me what i'm writing about, asks me if i've changed my hair color again, asks me if i fell off the wagon last night. she asks what's wrong, i tell her about the exchange between my sister and i, she replies "you can do the dishes". like, no-fucking-shit, mom. i tell her to look around and see if the dishes make any sort of a difference, and they do. i know this, but can't bring myself to care at the present moment. i also tell her that i'm not bringing in her cooler, she says that she knows, and that she's going to "jerk" the car insurance on the car that i've been driving, even though i pay for the insurance on the vehicle that i use.
clearly i'm a piece of shit and really should try to give a fuck, but i don't. and i'm sick of this, i'm ready to not have to deal with this every day, the nothing but whining from my sister, who, by the way, now wants to do something, and my mom's hollow threats to take away what i am paying for myself. my mom doesn't do me any favors except let me live here, for which i've been grateful in my early recovery, but the way she brings up my falling off the wagon every time i prefer to be left alone, the way she can't own up to raising her fourth and last without holding it against her, and her self-pity are seriously grinding my gears. i'm sure that my frustrations and and bitterness toward the situation are grinding her gears, but it's as if i'm the only dysfunctional person in a dysfunctional household. so, i'm gonna get out of the house again (because apparently last night's escapade wasn't enough for me,) and go see my grammy.

deuce.

You would think that after 11 years of being dope sick I would be super happy to be off the shit. Why am I not? Why can't I just feel normal? That's really all I want. I wake up everyday looking for something to make me feel better. Exercise, funny things, just little things to make me feel better, but then it makes me sick when I realize that I spend my entire day trying to feel better. Why can't I just wake up and live. Just exist and coexist peacefully with the world around me. It's been a long time since I laughed, but I cry every day. THIS ISN'T ME.

I miss you so much. I can't get you out of head. The holidays were rough. Not as bad as I thought but still rough. We've been making runs to St. Robert and I know you would have loved to come. Sometimes I wonder if you're watching us getting pissed about how stupid we are. It's weird for me to see you're friends and family. Hard to believe they still exist without you. Hard to believe if goes on without you. Anymore I don't feel like I'm living till I score. Nothing seems real without you. I know you're gone for good but it doesn't feel that way most days.

Below is a list of Substances.I.Have.Known.And.Loved (or at least tried!) with brief descriptors for your reference.

So far it is only a vaguely useful list because I've yet to include dosage & administration method for all of them, plus I have merely trusted the labels on these substances - I did not personally test them all unless stated. (I highly recommend testing your stuff which is - let's face it - not regulated and in a legal grey area at best).

Some thoughts: Get testing kits & use them. Stay hydrated to avoid constipation & hang-over the next day. Keep chewing gum handy for jaw-clenching or squeezy toys for your hands (which can take the edge of the jaw). Take magnesium to help ease any muscle aching (again, especially the jaw). Don't do combos. Expect that you might look high - e.g. flushed face, dilated pupils, stupid grins. Don't always expect a good time... sooner or later you'll have a bad trip full or paranoid, depression, crying, or anxiety - be aware of your current state of mind. Best done at home (especially with a sexy girlfriend, heheh).

I will try to keep this edited and up-to-date with useful info. We "psychonauts" (labrats) have got to help each other out - no-one else will, right!?

Almost everything below was measured using an electronic weighing-scale and eaten inside a gel-cap on an empty stomach - this is my ROA of choice.

****

Methylone - (3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methylcathinone, bk-MDMA). Tested as methylone using drug-testing kit. 100mgs oral, then another 70mgs after an hour. Nice mood lift and energy. No kind of body-load.

Methoxetamine (MXE) tested. - 30mgs then 2hrs later 40mgs oral. Mood lift, slight giddiness. "Moonwalking" feeling like with DXM. Strange sense of being personally involved when watching a film.

50mgs oral. Kicked in in 15mins. Very hard to work. Co-ordination poor. difficult to order words in sentences. Laid down. The room seemed to spin & my limbs felt disordered for several hours. Reminded me of DXM. Disappointng.

30mgs sublingual - Mood lift, slight giddiness. "Moonwalking" feeling like with DXM. Sense of being drunk, but clear-headed. Slight, non-local sense of numbness. All over in 4 hours.

Ethylphenidate - 100mgs oral. mild empathogen for 2 hrs, nicely mood uplifting, feels convivial and outgoing. Great stimulation for 6hrs more with 2 hr come down of jaw-clenching. Can drink waaay more than usual.

6-APB - tested. oral ROA. strong empathetic experiences and stimulation, openness, introspection and heightened sensuality, hours of great sex, fun dancing. Varies in intensity between 70mg and 200mg doses oral for approx 8hrs to 14 hours.

5-APB succinate - tested. mild empathetic experiences, openness and strong stimulation and heightened sensuality, great sex, fun dancing, varying in intensity between 70mg and 170mg oral for approx 8hrs.

5-APB hydrocloride - 70mgs. Not very stimmy, but happy. Another 70mgs three hours into the trip gave me LSD-like visuals. Rough hang-over due to not eating. About twice as strong as succinate.

IAP - 100mgs oral, stimulated, slight luminosity to objects, heavy body-load, 8 hrs long. Not very interesting.

Etizolam - 2.5 mgs - felt nicely "drunk" then fell asleep. Smaller 1mg or 2mg doses make you feel a bit drunk on an empty stomach. Best for taking the edge off stims/come-downs or getting to sleep.

AMT - 50mgs, oral gel-cap, no nausea, tryptamine-style visuals on blank surfaces (e.g. a white floor) - not intense. Little stimulation, more relaxing/lethargic, shaky hands. Reminded me of mushrooms or weak acid, but longer & higher body-load. 12hr+ trip
- 100mgs oral gel-cap, nausea & brief vomiting on come up, strong tryptamine-style visuals on everything, colours, sparks, - very beautiful. No stimulation, more relaxing/lethargic, shaky hands. 12hr trip & 4 hr come-down

5-MEO-DALT (N,N-diallyl-5-methoxytryptamine) - 30mg oral. "trippy" feeling, no visuals or real mental changes. 3hr trip! 50mg same, but heavy tracers for an hour. Great orgasms having sex.

5-MEO-DIPT (N,N-diisopropyl-5-methoxy-tryptamine) - psychedelic hazes and tracers.

MDMA (3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine) - tested. strong empathetic experiences and stimulation, openness and introspection

MDA (3,4-methylenedioxyamphetamine) - tested. as with MDMA, but shorter duration and slightly less intense.

MDAI (5,6-Methylenedioxy-2-aminoindane) - tested. 100mg oral. Slight empathetic feeling and slight stimulation. Higher dose is probably required.

100mg, 30mins then 50mg, 30mins then another 50mgs - as above but a bit stronger. Probably best to do about 300mgs in one bomb.

MDAT (6,7-Methylenedioxy-2-aminotetralin) - 100mg oral. no experiential change. Possibly bunk product? Higher dose is probably required.

2C-B (4-bromo-2,5-dimethoxyphenethylamine) - tested. as with MDMA, but heightened sensuality. Great stuff.

2C-C - 4 hours of a beautiful, LSD-like trip after 30mgs. Awesome.

4-FA - 100mgs gave a little euphoria the first time. The following times did little else but keep me stimulation.

GBL (gamma-Butyrlactone) - mildly soporific, mildly euphoric, lovely. Mixes well with weed, LSD & MDMA.

GHB (gamma-hydroxybutyrate) - mildly soporific, mildly euphoric, lovely.

LSD (d-lysergic acid diethylamide) - psychedelic hazes, tracers, lights, flashes and patterns - beautiful.

Psylocybin semilanceata - psychedelic hazes and tracers, moderate body-load (i.e. gut irritation and shits)

Psylocybin cubensis - psychedelic hazes and tracers, moderate body-load

DXM (dextromethorphan hydrobromide) - from cough syrup. disorienting and dizzying, facial twitches, "bouncy" sensation when walking, weird/interesting thoughts, lot of odourless shitting. Higher doses made it impossible to move and gave me a sense of being connected to a cosmic feeling of love. Most amusing.

Salvia divinorum x10 - smoked: INTENSE, dream-like and brief hallucinations, & very brief memory loss. Other dimensional & truly mind blowing stuff.

Ketamine (2-(2-chlorophenyl)-2-(methylamino)-cyclohexanone) - intramuscular injection: descent into widening, deepening darkness, breath-taking & other-worldly!

Nitrous oxide - giddiness

Tobacco - light-headedness until tolerance. Shit really.

Cannabis - hallucination during early use until tolerance, light-headedness, giddiness, soporific, relaxing - however, heavy use lead to addiction. Foul, depressed moods on the days without it.

Ephedrine ((-)-alpha-(1-methylaminoethyl)benzyl alcohol) - stimulation

Codeine - soporific, "floaty"

Melatonin (N-[2-(5-methoxy-1h-indol-3-yl)ethyl]acetamide) - intensification of dreams

Viagra (1-[[3-(6,7-dihydro-1-methyl-7-oxo-3-propyl-1H-pyrazolo [4,3-d]pyrimidin- 5-yl)-4-ethoxyphenyl]sulfonyl]-4- methylpiperazine citrate) - priapism, blue hazes

Sun-Opener (Heimia salicifolia) - colourless hazes and shadows. Tastes incredible foul.

Dexamphetamine - strong 8 hour stimulation & confidence. Clean feeling.

Zolpidem (N,N-6-trimethyl-2-p-tolyl-imidazo[1,2-a]pyridine- 3-acetamide L-(+)-tartrate) - very strong hallucinations (if you can remember them), drunken feeling. Dangerous to be alone (e.g. falling down stairs). However, can almost never remember these experiences.

Zopiclone (4-methyl-1-piperazinecarboxylic acid 6-(5-chloro- 2-pyridinyl)-6,7-dihydro-7-oxo-5H-pyrrolo[3,4-b] pyrazin-5-yl ester) - very mild hallucinations (if you can remember them), drunken feeling. However, can almost never remember these experiences.

Kratom (Mitragyna speciosa) - very mild soporific, not impressed.

Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds/Morning Glory seeds (LSA) - psychedelic hazes, tracers, and patterns. - LSD like.

"Poppers" - brief, warm headrush.

A continuation...

Arrested just as he was packing his bags to leave Brasil and return to Belgium, having resolved to give up his ambitions to corner the Brasilian cocaine market, our hero was sentenced to 4 years. Entering the prison dressed in the traditional clothes of a Chassidic (Hassidic) Jew, the COs (Corrections Officers) open the gate and tell him to find his own cell. As is the case in so many prisons in the Developing World, this prison is internally controlled by the prisoners themselves. As the guy is standing there dumbfounded some guy dressed like a Mexican cholo with dreadlocks (you really have to love National Geographic) comes up to him and says in a matter of fact tone, "Follow me, no matter what keep your eyes on me. No matter what you see, keep your eyes on my back."

The cholo Rastafarian guy leads him to his own cell and points to an empty bunk and says, "This is your bunk." The Jews asks him about having seen Hefty-type garbage bags being dragged through the corridors, leaking blood, as they walked to the cell. Again in a matter fact of tone the cholo tells him, "Oh, there was a murder yesterday." Hahaha welcome to prisonlife.

The Jewish guy says that there were murders every single day, suuuure. 1 day, while aimlessly moping around the yard the baddest prisoner in that badass Brasilian prison tells him, "Give me a cigarette." The Jew tells him he doesn't have any at which point Mr. Badass grabs him and pulls out a giant "shank," or prison dagger. The Jewish guy narrarates that as a boy growing up in London he had been targetted by neighbourhood Anti-Semites and so his father had gotten him Aikkido lessons. As he is in this knife fight he grabs both wrists of the man and pins the dagger against his attacker's chest, yelling, "Drop it! Drop it now!" The attacker would not obey so the Jew forced him down onto his own dagger, killing him. Suuuuuuuure.

Readers may recall that on Easter Day, 2008 I myself was in the very same situation though my opponent was armed with a machete. As learned as I am in the Israeli Martial Art of Krav Maga I could not even get close enough to even try something as retarded as that. When you are faced with a blade wielding maniac who aims to kill you there is no fucken way that you will ever close that crucial distance between him and you. Now, granted, the Jew DID claim that his opponent closed that space, not leaving him that safe distance to engage him defencively. However, the idea that he had the brute strength to force the baddest ass prisoner in a huge prison to impale himself on his own blade is just too preposterous to even consider.

After almost 3 years he is released and deported, only to end up in an Israeli prison where he ended up serving another 8 years. He narrarates that there was a teenaged boy on his cellblock was forced to sleep on the catwalk because noone would allow him to bunk in their cell since he was a junky. Of course in reality most Israeli prisoners are serving heroin, amphetamine or cocaine-rated offences. Granted, maybe the teen had other issues undisclosed to the audience. The Jew says that it was then that he realised just what drugs do to people and he resolved to cure the teen, who like most Israeli junkies continued injecting while in prison. He allowed the boy into his cell but warned him it was on the condition that he stop using. "I want to stop sniffle sniffle." Sure man.

The boy stopped using, became religious but one day upon returning to their cell the Jew found the boy on the verge of death from an overdose. Cradling the boy in his arms the Jew felt the boy's life drain from him and cried about it afterwards.

Released from prison in Israel he returned to London where he says he became an Anti Drugs activist. However, I researched the man and the truth is a lot more interesting. I will get to that in my next entry...

To be continued...

When you can't find the light,
That got you through a cloudy day,
When the stars ain't shinin' bright,
You feel like you've lost you're way,
When those candle lights of home,
Burn so very far away,
Now you got to let your soul shine,
Just like my daddy used to say.

[Chorus]
He used to say soulshine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

I grew up thinkin' that I had it made,
Gonna make it on my own.
Life can take the strongest man,
Make him feel so alone.
Now sometimes I feel a cold wind,
Blowin' through my achin' bones,
I think back to what my daddy said,
He said "Boy, in the darkness before the dawn:"

[Chorus]
Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,
Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.
A woman too, God knows, she can feel like this.
And when your world seems cold, you got to let your spirit take control.

[Chorus]
Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Lord now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

Oh, it's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day

Warren Haynes

2012, I am so happy to be finished with it all.

I learned a lot about myself this year. I nearly got married. I adopted my beloved Siberian Husky who was robbed from me. I smoked some pot. I made some money through hard work. I spent a lot of time being rained on in the Pacific NW. I drove a lot, flew a lot, and now it's time to turn the calendar.

Happy 2013, Bluelight. May our retrospective be happy at next calendar's turn.

I heard so many times "quit drinking and your life will become better", "quit watching porn and you'll feel less depressed", "quit smoking weed and your depersonalization will go away", etc etc. I'm so sick of it!
My life is screwed up since my childhood. I've been feeling depressed and alone my whole life. It did not start with drinking, porn or weed.
Why do you think I use this mood-altering things in the first place, goddammit??!?
I'm not defending the harmful use of drugs or anything else but being sober dosent seem to improve my life one bit. In fact, I seem to get into more trouble sober than I do drunk. My emotions go into overdrive when I'm sober and my behaviour seems to be even worse sober than drunk.
Quitting this or that shit doesnt seem to have any effect on my life other than make me so uncomfortable I just cant stand it.

A continuation...

Our kosher casanova and would be coke kingpin resisted his natural urges and stayed in his own hotel room for the rest of the night. The next day he and the boss' wife make the drop and returned to Sao Paulo. As the woman wordlessly exits the car and enters the mansion the ACTUAL kingpin asks how the delivery went. "No problem" says the deliveryboy. The kingpin next asks him if he had slept with his wife. As the ambitious small time dealer stammers and stutters the kingpin pulls out a pistol and aims it at the shocked man. "Was my wife ugly? Why didn't you sleep with her?" He then waits a few seconds as the guy gets even more tongue tied and then breaks out in laughter, "Welcome to the family!!!" This episode was so fake that it actually disgusted me. Religious Jews never allow themselves to be alone with any woman other than their wife. Even if the protagonist decided to make that huge leap, there is no way in the world that the kingpin- ALSO a religious Jew- would send his wife off alone with ANY man, even his own biological brother, let alone some dickhead who has made 2 buys off of him.

The would be cocaine baron tells the camera that he told the kingpin that he works alone and the boss replied, "I like that!" So he then incredibly claims that they then worked as partners hahaha. You buy a kilo or two 3 times, he now trusts you with his luxury automobile, $50 Million in proceeds AND his gorgeous trophy wife? Not only that but then he makes you his PARTNER? Hahahaha whatever.

Next the kingpin takes him to meet the company chemist, Ramon, in the "lab." Ramon is actually wearing a white lab coat in a fully equipped scientific laboratory? I wasn't doing anything but laughing at the insane claims this guy was making. He said that Ramon shocked him by producing souveiner dinner plates of the type people hang on their walls. Appearing like porcelain, glazed and with painted designs the guy says it was "100 percent pure." There is no such thing as 100 percent purity. It isn't even theoretically possible. 98.9? Sure. Even 99 percent. Above that? It just won't happen

Next, the guy claims that he and his "partner" had learned that a shipping container of theirs filled with coke had been hijacked by a rival organisation. He and his partner took some underlings, the whole group being Chassidic Jews, in the black suits, fedoras, curled sidelocks and beards like Santa Claus. They are walking down the street like an Old West posse when the other group initiated a firefight with assault rifles. All the Jews had were small caliber pistols and yet they supposedly came out on top.

The next scene, the guy says he was about to take a trip when a fellow Chasiddic Jew begged to borrow his automobile so that he could pick up his wife at the airport. After being nagged the would be kingpin gave in and handed him the keys. As the guy turns the ignition a carbomb detonates. The protagonist said that the attempt on his life convinced him to give up his burgeoning drug career. As he is packing his bags getting ready to leave Sao Paulo, the Federal Police kick in his door raid his flat...

To be continued...

A free fall into the Darkest void of the Drug World


'Priscilla



As of lately I've neglected a lot of my responsibilities and thus my financial, family and mental well-being have been greatly hampered with. The girl I'm dating, not to blame, is a factor in me losing control of my own life.

The girl, (Priscilla, not her real name) has put me in a position where she wants me to spend even more time with her than I previously had. That would require literally a full time day-to-day hang out session doing nothing constructive. If I were to do as she wishes, I could kiss my future good bye. Sure I may be able to live with her for a few months, but eventually I would grow weak. She would lose interest. And then Renz Envy has lost everything for a girlfriend.

I love Priscilla, but Priscilla likes speed. I'm not completely comfortable dating someone who can take a sex drug that gives the user sociopathic tendencies. I take speed too, but my sociopathic attitude is withheld by a framework of fundamental morals. She enjoys the high risk situations. Guns, fast cars, hot sex, organized theft. I enjoy art, science, novelty, and peace.

I've long suspected she was cheating on me fairly consistently. She denies it, but I watch her eyes dart up-to the left-to the right, when confronted with a question like, "Why did you disappear for 3 hours last night?". I've never been the kind to cheat. I understand a lot of people think it's fun to do something wrong and dirty, but in the end, the people who seek instant gratification at the expense of others always seem to be the ones begging for forgiveness. I consider myself a very seasoned lie detector.

To her I am greedy and selfish. Her life style took a turn for the worse one night when she was charged with drug possession. She is now on probation and has to quit her addictions. I am greedy and selfish, because I am not constrained due to my conservative approach when it comes to risk taking. In this case, the person in the back seat was selling an 8-ball of dope to what was clearly a police officer.

There is a unique feeling I get while in a position of danger:

1) Anxiety, unease, fight or flight response
2) Reaffirming that the situation is dangerous (I know that guy is a LEO and he doesn't want meth.)
3) My vibes anger everyone else as their internal cognition is so twisted that this situation seemed legit.

I left and got to my car. I was yelled at, called selfish and not deserving of Priscilla for my girlfriend. But folks, there's a lot of mice who dart for the cheese in the mousetrap, and they're all trapped. Later that night I got word that they had been sent to jail by a brigade of armored police. They had been set up 3 times that night.
Check mate. Drug career is over. Find a new life.
I even called out every set up. They thought I was paranoid.

No, Priscilla wanted to continue using despite her legal obligations. It wasn't until she began to crash, that I saw how weak she was. Fragile, anxious, broken, a once straight A student reduced to a homeless meth addict for the love of the game. I couldn't dislike her. I loved her despite the things she had done to me behind my back. The abundance of free drugs being in the friendship circle was obscene. I was no more guilty than she was. Perhaps I was using her for drugs, but then again I would rather be with her in a world without drugs than lose her in a world with all the drugs I ever wanted.

She cried. She refused to open up to me. It was time for Renz Envy to quit walking down the valley of incarceration-death and begin a new path toward glory. I want to provide a shelter for her and be with her all day. We love each other. But I'm afraid my words were all caustic.

"I want to help you, but I can't help both of us if I'm sinking. I want to be a good boyfriend with a loving family and friends, not a bum. I need time to make the money to provide for us." Renz Envy preached.
"Wow, That was a slap in the face." Priscilla complained, "If you can't be with me more often, I'm not going to be your gf."

It was like that. I was stuck in an uphill battle. She thinks I'm greedy and selfish for getting my destroyed life back on track. She may imagine that I can actually make a living as a white male, selling hard drugs and living constantly on the run with her. Hah. I'll be destroyed by both sides. Law and the organizations. Middle class white boys typically go off and do other things with their lives... Like becoming doctors or accountants. A drug dealer... Maybe marijuana, but meth? No. Talk about getting robbed for a living. Not like I could retaliate very well. That and almost every man I know ends up in prison.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Girls? Well, the ones with a little brains, like Priscilla, are scary at drug dealing. Get two girls with a fairly rich man. Priscilla uses her charm to distract the unfortunate horny bloke while the second girl stashes his valuables in her purse. After the sex and love is over, the guy is given GHB, where he's too scatterbrained to know what was lost until they're long gone. This was a drug deal.
Drug deal(profit) + Valuables taken (Like credit cards, SSN, DL, gold, you name it) = Money. Not to mention girls get nearly half discounts on bulk prices. He thought he was getting a good deal, until he realizes he can't report them for fear of rape charges as he was administering them GHB.

I was never invited to the big hotel parties, with the intense sex, Breaking Bad level Methamphetamine, Wine coolers of GHB, Kush forests and the big bosses throwing their dollar bills at young attractive women. I never really felt I would fit in. I'm no crook. I'd clean a product and be a good business man, but the eyes of the law seem to glare back at my mind's eye as I daydream.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Priscilla was always invited to these hotel events. I can only imagine her getting sky high and having sex with one of the bosses. Getting money and more tools to satisfy her insatiable lust for power. GHB and meth is just about the last thing you want your significant other to take without you in the room. Talk about heart break.

Does Renz Envy care? He has no proof and the steps taken to get proof of Priscilla cheating are threatening to him, therefore Renz Envy will chill and treat her nicely. It's a thieve's world. We form relationships for personal gain. Some are investments, some are liabilities. Jumping straight to the, "you're cheating" card is exactly what everyone else would do, and thus they'd lose a bright, beautiful, independent girl with frightening ambition.


This concludes part one of Renz Envy's attempt to reach an emotional breakage point. Heart Break, Meth Psychosis, Alcohol withdrawals, Benzo withdrawals and other stresses. I hit the breaking point once and lost all sense of reason. During those 36 hours of hell, I had created so many hypothetical situations, that one of them actually turned out to be a very very intricate truth. Too accurate to be a guess. Yet it was a guess.

The following was written about:
Meth
GHB
Alcohol
Marijuana
Klonopin
Lyrica
Kava
L-tryptophan
Taurine
Gaba Plus

No drugs were used in the production of this fictional piece of work...

This article was created to give an idea of how the meth world runs. Feel free to criticize, I'm pretty much out of all that. PM me if you have any serious questions.(I will answer questions about culture, but do not ask names or hook ups.)

"There are Old Thieves and there are Bold Thieves, but there are no Old Bold Thieves."

Click to expand...

So things have been less than great this last week. But I am determined to put it out of my head and have a great time tonight with my friends. I have stressed so much about getting having and holding on to this group of people. Tonight is the payoff I hope. Flux Pavillion ecstacy Atlanta hotel rooms New Years its all on. Im going to party like the end is nigh, because I have a feeling it may be. For me anyway. I am going back off to school in a few weeks. Everything is in constant movement and I am often still standing still trying to hold thje pieces together long after others are creating new puzzles. Call me a hopeless romantic but I really believe everyone is in my life for a reason its not black and white good or bad its just words and actions. But for once In am with the curve I am a part of something larger than me and I feel good about it. Now if I can just be happy with me. Well im working on that. But im out. Much love to my BL friends.............

A continuation...

So, this Chassidic (Hassidic) bullshit artist is sitting there telling National Geographic how he was new to Antwerp, a 23 year old newly divorced man, busy working as a stockboy in a Jewish corner greengrocer. One day, out of the blue, another Chassidic Jew asks him if he would like to take an all expences paid trip to Sao Paulo, Brasil. Now, if it wasn't a Chassidic Jew in his early 20s I might doubt this part but truth be told, they are like children. Imagine never having seen TV, never having listened to a radio- or any non-religious music whatsoever, never going to the cinema...never talking to a non-Chassidic Jew. This is how most live.

I'm actually a product of a Chassidic eduacation, until age 12 anyway. In my case, the Breslov Chassidim are the hippies of the religious Jewish world but enough of that for now...

Our protagonist arrives in Sao Paulo and is met by another Chassid he didn't know. At the end of his sedate week's vacation, his tourguide hands him a bulky manila envelope and tells him to pass it on to the guy paying for the vacation. "Sure, why not?" Back in Antwerp his benefactor meets him in a parking garage. The guy doesn't say anything but, "You got my package? You got it? You got it???" The Jew that just returned is like, "Gosh, why doesn't he even ask me how my trip was?" Hahaha. He hands over the envelope and the other guy screeches out of the carpark on 2 wheels.

Later he stops by the clueless guy's flat and hands him the equivalent of $10,000. He is like, "What the fuuuuuuuuck???" The dealer still has the envelope for some reason and rips it open on one of those cheap glass coffee tables and tells him, "You know what this is buddy? THIS is cocaine!!!" The guy is still clueless, "What is cocaine? What do you do with it?" The dealer giggles and tells him it makes you feel great, and if you sell it you can make five times your initial investment, then leaves.

A week or two later he asks him if he feels like another trip to Brasil. No doubt but this time, the mule asks to forgo the $10,000 commission and instead be allowed to be able to buy the same package that he is picking up fo the dealer, a kilo. After returning the dummy remembers that he has no idea whom to sell it to. "No problem" says the dealer. "I will send a boy by later. He will handle it." An hour later a Moroccan lad is at the door. Bagging it up he disappears with 20 bags, returns with the cash, and repeats the process until the entire kilo is bagged and sold- supposedly all in a single evening. Suuuuuure. Can't everyone sell a kilo worth of pure, stepped on and bagged as dimes? Hahaha. Whatever.

So now comes trip number three. Arriving in Sao Paulo he is told that the "Boss" would like to meet him. I am sure kingpins aim to meet every kilo customer who has made two buys. What a joke. He is taken to a nightclub with sexy Brasilian women and lo and behold, the "Boss" is an ultra religious Jew with a penchant for exotic ass. Meeting the Big Kosher Kahuna our hero is brusquely told to show up at the Boss' mansion the next day.

Nervously our would be coke kingpin does as he is ordered. He is instructed to drive the Boss' Bentley, carrying some insane amount like $50 Million and to boot, the Boss' amazingly sexy wife is going along for the trip. You just meet some smalltime fish and after 2 small buys you not only trust him your Bentley...not only with $50 Million in cold hard cash...but your voluptuous wife as well? Riiiiiiight.

As the mule and the Boss' wife take off she begins telling the courier how sexy he is and all that kind of bullshit. You need to remember, this is a 23 year old Chassidic Jew, shaved head, curled sidelocks, wearing the same black clothes they all wear and with a huge stomach as well! They stop at a motel for the night and of course she tries to convince the courier to share her room...and her bed...

To be continued...

When I travel, I usually limit my luggage to one backpack about the size a college student would wear to class. This backpack has room for a few articles of clothing, maybe 1 pants, a couple of shirts, a sweater, and an extra underpants. Then I put in a laptop, sketchbook, pencil, snacks, toothbrush, dental floss, dramamine tablets, and a few gadgets besides my laptop: a flashlight, mp3 player, earbuds, batteries, cell phone, camera. A few books top it off. Everything is easy to choose and pack except for the books. I struggle with trying to decide which books to take. There's usually whatever I'm currently reading, and then a couple I might start on the trip. I might throw in a few magazines as well. Then there are technical papers I need to catch up with for work. But what if I'm not in the mood for any of these or I'm tired of what I'm reading and want something else? What if what I want to read is huge?

This comes up not only with traveling, but with mountain climbing trips as well. When I'm in the wilderness, I like to get my hike done by mid afternoon, then set up camp and have time to relax, do some stretches, take in the scenery, read and write, and push some boulders off the mountaintop (just kidding). No matter where I go, I have to take reading material with me. This is a psychological compulsion.

My material includes everything from outdoor military style survival guides, topographic maps, climbing route guides, to every field guide one could conceivably use from tree, bird, wild flower, mineral, edible plant, mushroom, to star charts so I can some star gazing, and fiction books. Those and some technical papers for work. So, I end up with a lot of heavy stuff in my pack. I would take a laptop or a tablet into the wilderness if they weren't so fragile and had better battery life.

I recently looked into e-readers. These are small, portable, tablet-like computers which are about the size and weight of one paper-backed book. They display books published in the form of electronic media the way one would read a pdf file, new article, or a word processor document. And for some, the battery lasts a couple of months without needing to be recharged.

One drawback is that many are locked into a proprietary format that the tablet's particular manufacturer wants to force you to purchase (kindle/mobi/epub/djvu/etc...). Well there are always ways around restrictions such as proprietary formatting, so with that in mind, I bought one, a second-hand "Nook Simple Touch" e-reader posted on craigslist by a guy in Sausalito. The day I bought it, I loaded it with over 7,000 electronic texts.

Upon researching its specs, I found that for a brain it has an 800 MHZ CPU. The memory is 256 MB, and it has up to 32 GB hard drive space. It also has built in wifi and runs an "Android" operating system. What that means in non-technical terms is that if it could be unlocked, it could have the computational power of a desktop computer circa 1999 or so and the storage space of an entire library. Such a computer could surf the internet, do word-processing, play videos, display any kind of text document, pdf, or e-book.

So how to unlock this potential? Upon googling, one learns that some clever people have devised methods (also known as hacks) to do this. I chose an easy hack known as the touchnooter which can be done in several simple steps. I followed the instruction and was done in 15 minutes or so. I installed a few games, mostly old text games from the 1980s like Zork and variants. It uses the Java programming language. I've even started writing a "lunar lander" game for it in Java but am having trouble figuring out how to implement Java screen touch events to control the maneuvering thrusters. I've also installed software to let it read ebooks in any format including word processor documents, pdf files, ebooks, mobi, epub, and others formatted for other e-readers.

Sadly, there are some glitches. Although I'm reading bluelight with it, and I can read forums and blogs, bluelight goes to mobile-mode by default and I have no idea how to post in bluelight's mobile-mode. And while i can watch Youtube videos on it, there is no sound. Apparently it has no audio circuitry built in.

swear i'll run away from every home I ever have
So i'll build a new house in every town i pass.
Maybe then I won't always feel lost and trapped.
When I was growing up, i was the smartest kid i knew.
Maybe that was just because I didnt know that many kids.
All I know is now I feel the opposite.
Like if you dont want to work, then that becomes your job.
Theres a lot of overtime, theres not many days off.
I hope you know that I'm not trying to complain.
It just gets hard to explain to people that I know, or kids who come to shows
that I just dont want to talk about the office today.

'Cause i've watched friends go from being pessimists to work at home archeologists
they dig skin deep, they work every day
i'm burying their arms for a vein or two that maybe they forgot.


And the cops say its a crime for people like me and those friends of mine to want to die
like my neighbor in St. Pete
she's been on house arrest down here
if she tries to leave her yard they'll lock her in a cage for years.
cause sometimes she wants to die.
and she shoots dope when she thinks she could die
and the law they caught her one too many times
shootin dope when she felt like she could die.

We're building a new world, all of my friends and me
its not an exact science yet, but we have the technology.
now all we need is an economy where everybody finally will get enough to eat, even the suburbs
no powers getting too crooked to stand on its own feet for much longer than it has.

So i dont want to kill a cop, what i want is neighborhoods where they don't have to get called
when the shit goes down
cause our friends, they are enough, and our neighbors have enough.
finally we're enough.

cause our friends, they are enough.
and our neighbors are enough.
and finally we're enough
please help me be enough.


fuck the law cause we're enough
fuck the boss cause we're enough
fuck microsoft cause we're enough
fuck owning stocks cause we're enough
fuck you cause we're enough
fuck moving to brooklyn cause we're enough
fuck the clash cause we're enough
fuck martial stacks cause we're enough
quit what you don't love cause we're enough
live as you make it up cause we're enough
you'll never go without cause we're enough
we'll buy a house cause we're enough
we'll grow some food cause we're enough
we'll slam some dunks cause we're enough
don't be afraid cause we're enough
you'll always be ok because we'll always be enough.

I've given up the stuff for good. Everything I had that reminds me of that past life has been thrown away-well almost everything has been thrown away- though stray reminders still haunt me. When I look back at my past I don't know if it was fun I was having or if the drugs told me I was having fun, but it was the most memorable time of my life. I have been away for so long that I had to reset the console and reboot myself. Now that I have this dream in all of its entirety I find myself drowning in swimming pools full of liquor. Oh well, I guess it's never truly over until a new beginning finds you.

I got this when I was 15, thought it was a 'mini bass' tried to string it up as such, could never get it to tune right, forgot about it for 15 years, fastforward to a month ago and i was reading about tenor guitar, I loved the sound of it, and then digging in the storage I found my 'mini bass' and it looked just like the tenor guitar I was reading about...measured and it has the same scale (23"), too short to be a guitar, too short to be a 'short scale bass' but it has bass head tuner parts, wtf?

Tried stringing it as a tenor guitar and it *worked* and had a really neat sound, but it wasn't right....so I got the bright idea to use the top two strings from 4-string bass and the two low strings from guitar.....so as to tune this like a tenor..one octave lower...a tenor-bass.

I have never heard of one, but it sounds AWESOME. I love it because I can play some incredible bass-like melody, and I can do lead guitar work (normally I shun lead work on a 6 string, strings too close together).

I'll have to get a video of what this thing sounds like. And I will absolutely have to buy a real tenor guitar now,

https://skydrive.live.com/redir?resid=55830B5E3B7E76!223&authkey=!ALPFdpVIoHPVVFI

I gave in to lust.

My problem is that I want to be liked. I want to be the most liked. I think others' opinion of me makes me better or worse. I lie and put forward facades and manipulate and pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm afraid people won't like me and I won't be the most liked.

God, relieve me of my character defects and turn my attention toward what you would have me be.

Merry Christmas everyone. I thought about posting Merry Crassmas or something similar but I'm not really in the mood.