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Seeing as how it is December 11th, and I haven't booked a flight home to the Philippines, I will be spending the Holiday Season here in the States. When I was younger I used to imagine that people in New York became gentler and kinder at this time of year. I love cold weather and although I am a Jew who doesn't give a flying fuck about a pagan solstice celebration wrapped in hypocritical Christian trappings I do confess to being quite partial to Xmas lights, especially the very small bulbs in pastel colours.

Of course my not returning to the Philippines means that I will not be able to join Mariz and her family on their big trip to Bataan Province to meet both sides of her extended family. Mariz's father, the pastor, is especially upset because he has been trying to chat me up about buying a house in their ancestral village. Bataan is only an hour and a half north of Metro Manila. As such real estate is extremely expencive. Her father tried to talk to me about buying a lot for P3 Million ($66,000) for a half a hectare (less than an acre). Compared to Mindanao it is a fortune and a half. Failing to kindle my interest he has now zeroed in on a 400 square meters lot and simple block house for P1 Million ($22,000). Never mind that Inot even sure about a future with Mariz, let alone shacking up with her parents and siblings- because that IS why the pastor is so keen on chatting about real estate- but I need at least 2 hectares.

IF I ever leave Mindanao I aim to build a commercial hog farm, or in Filipino English, a "piggery," with a smaller goat operation. Land in Bataan is out of the question. I mentioned Palawan to the pastor since the family had spent 4 years there, leaving in 2005. Palawan is a very long island that lies between Luzon, the island upon which Manila sits, and Mainland Malaysia. The offshore islands off the southern tip are Muslim but the populated environs on Palawan proper are dominated by Mariz's ethnicity, Tagalogs. Palawan is what Mindanao was say 30 years ago. Much of it is uncharted. There are conceivably uncontacted tribes in the interior rainforests apart from stone aged tribes already known to outsiders.

The huge advantage over Mindanao is that there is no insurgencies to deal with. The NPA, or New People's Army as the Maoists are known, barely supports a single "Front" (30 guerilla regulars) on the entire island. On the downside is it is rife with a form of malaria that kills within a month in many cases. I take anti-malarials on Mindanao but the island only has the chronic forms, not that carrying that shit for a year and a half is any less painful, just that you will probably not be killed by it.

Speaking of Mindanao, aside from the endemic violence which is now through the roof as the country gears up for elections in May of 2013, the island was broadsided by a typhoon last week that killed at least 1,200. It is interesting that I was able to witness Americans shitting on themselves over Hurricane Sandy. A woman on Staten Island (1 of New York City's 5 boros) tried- stupidly- to drive to Brooklyn to double up with her mum as that storm made landfall. With her 2 toddlers strapped into car seats she drove into a flooded street and the car's engine died. Grabbing her children this dummy then tried to look for some help. Sadly flood waters overcame her and first one child and then the other were swept away and drowned. This tragedy inspired President Obama to gran some photo opportunities as he hugged her and consoled her. Actually he should have had her hogtied and whipped for being so fucking negligent but that is America for you.

Seeing how Americans flip out when anything mildly threatens their luxurious day to day existence I can only shrug my shoulders as I think about a platoon from the 66IB on Mindanao being buried under tonnes of mud as they embarked on a search and rescue mission trying to assist the thousands of injured civiliains in ComVal (Compostela Valley Province). Imagine if an American National Guard platoon was wiped out during Hurricane Sandy? Life is very cheap if you aren't white. THAT is the truth of the matter.

Some readers may recall how we lent our heavy equipment during a mud slide last year. The platoon was killed on the next ridge. I never posted about it but yet another mud slide took place there in between the one I DID write about and this current incident. People are so hungry for gold that they tunnel through ridges like termites and end up weakening literally kilometers of denuded slopes. Each time one of those ridhges slide dozens die.

It is strange that a typhoon even touched Mindanao but downright bizarre that it was the 2nd one to do so this season. Both have been catastrophic. Mindanao is subject to just about any fucked up thing you could imagine: volcanoes, tsunamis, earthquakes scoring at least 5 on the Richter at least once each month, malaria, Dengue, cholera, even fucken Ebola! It has 7 insurgencies, rampant kidnapping, narco-terrorism, political violence, yada, yada and fucken yada. One thing it has heretofore been exempt from though has been typhoons since it sits well out of the typhoon belt. Guess weather patterns are shifting radically though I don't neccessarily suscribe to the "Global Warming" hypothesis. I'm still considering that issue.

Whatever the reason, people on Mindanao are suffering once again. Most of the Philippines knows nothing about the island but this latest typhoon has put it in the forefront of Filipino consciousness. Mariz, bless her heart, was in tears seeing a little boy orphaned AND crippled by the storm. In the Philippines, where you cannot see a doctor without cash up front, he is destined for a horrid existence. Mariz went up a notch in my estimation when she said that she wanted to adopt a child like that. Adoption is extremely rare in the country with most people ignoring children in need. You see people spitting on homeless children as they huff Rugby (rubber cement) on street corners.
Alright so I have some free time on my hands so I thought that it might be a good idea to talk about what I have been getting into since the Inhalant Abuse blog I posted a few months back. Well I’ll start with my drug use. It has gone down significantly as I have been taking my medication daily since then. I also noticed on the Paxil it says “do not drink alcoholic beverages when taking this medication”. So I actually haven’t had a sip of alcohol since I left the mental hospital. The only drug I have done is marijuana or actually hash. It is amazing btw it has the flavor of vanilla and peppermint. I guess it’s the time of year.

Otherwise my life has been going pretty well. Things and my girlfriend are great and right where they are supposed to be. My other girlfriends are fine and really there has not been any fighting which there usually isn’t any from my side at least. I passed my switching test thank god. I had been studying off and on for over a year. I was thinking about my score which was 80.4 with the passing score 79.0. I think I may have damaged the machine while taking it because with one of the configuration questions I entered it so fast that information readouts started popping up every 2-3 seconds. I don’t think that should have taken place during the exam.

Either way I have already began studying for the last test in the series the “troubleshooting exam” and things are moving along. The information is the same as before but the test will be shorter and much more condensed. That makes preparing for it a bit easier. When I pass I will officially have my CCNP! As far as my hobbies are concerned I have gotten obsessed with the facility map on Goldeneye Reloaded for the ps3. It is the only map I play now with the enemies turned up to their highest levels. I also discovered a stash of documents and cookies in a torrent I downloaded like two weeks ago. I’ve been playing around with them and have come up with some pretty cool designs. I placed a few on a usb drive and entered it into the ps3 and it changed the enemies moves and tactics! Pretty cool.

I also started a blog under the pen name “suicide kills”. It is pretty interesting mostly about the current state of society from an objectionable point of view. If anyone has access to it go ahead and read it, it is well written and interesting if I do say so myself. Other than that everything is as usual. Hope everything is well in everyone’s lives. Alright I’m outie. Peace  =  = ฿ = ₱ = © = 
It seems as like it was only last week when I posted about the history of Chanukkah and the symbolism behind the holiday and its customs. Since flogging dead horses is a talent of mine I thought it best to once again beat my 1.4 readers in the head (hi mum!) and explain the meaning behind the holiday.

When Alexander the Great died unexpectedly his generals fought for control over the vast empire. Eventually, 2 generals came out on top and founded dynasties that were ever after jockying for control of the Middle East. The Ptolemaic Empire was centered in Egypt, and the Seleucid Empire sat in what is now Syria. In between these 2 superpowers lay the Jewish Homeland, Judaea.

Although both empires manipulated and interfered with Judaea it was the Jews themselves who were their own worst enemy- as has always been the case. A small but vocal minority favoured Hellenisation, the adoption of Greek customs and culture. Greatly out numbered the Hellenists went into exile in Syria and agitated for Seleucid intervention in Judaea. In 167 BCE/BC the Seleucid Emperor Antiochus IV Ephianes invaded Judaea and set about Hellenising the nation and the people.

In Jerusalem, the Jews political and spiritual capital, Antiochus had the Jewish Temple re-dedicated to the Greek deity Zeus and had pigs sacrificed on its holy altar- about as huge an abomination as one could possibly imagine. This sparked a rebellion but it failed to build momentum. Next, Antiochus IV had official delegations, backed by military formations, go village to village erecting pagan altars and compelling all men to sacrifice to Greek deities.

One day a delegation entered the village of Modi'in in the so called "West Bank." As all villagers stood watching the delegation erected the altar and commanded the men to make the ritual sacrifice. As was so often the case noone complied. Finally, the delegation leader offered materiel inducements and lo and behold, 1 villager stepped forward and said he would make the sacrifice. As he said this, a village elder named Matityahu Ben Yochanan HaKohen (Matthew Son of Yohanan the Priest, usually known in English by the bastardised Greek, Matthias Ben Yohanan) stepped forward and ran his spear through him, killing him. The village men then killed every member of the delegation and its military guard before going into the hill country to join the guerillas already struggling against foreign domination.

Eventually Matityahu's 5 sons all led guerilla bands of their own and were able to consolidate control, and finally came to lead a highly organised guerilla force that liberated the capital, Jerusalem. Upon entering the Temple the priests found only a single day's allotment of holy oil. Knowing that it would take a month to prepare a sufficient supply, the priests gathered the throngs of celebrants and directed their prayers towards rectifying this shortage. Lo and behold, the priests were able to manufacture the oil in only 8 days time instead of the predicted month. More over, the single day's allotment lasted a full 8 days so that there was always sufficient oil in the Temple.

The name of the holiday, Chanukkah (Chah-noo-Kah, with the "ch" being guttural as in the German "nicht"), means "Re-dedication," to commemorate the re-sanctification of the Temple after it had been blasphemed by worshippers of Zeus. The 9 sticked candelabrum has a candle for each of the 8 days that the oil lasted, plus a 9th candle to light each of the other 8. The holiday teaches Jews about the dangers of assimilation, of trying to cater to non-Jewish tastes and values. Ironically, in the West many Jews have adopted Christian trappings in giving gifts, some even having a tree. These things make traditionalists such as myself naseous.

It is a time to party, to get high and gamble, and to enjoy festive foods. My favourite Chanukkah food is "sufigyot," freshly fried jelly donuts. I don't drink alcohol (like a fair number of Jews I have a genetic condition that inhibits the metabolisation of alcofol sugara and it causes extreme pain in my GI tract. Anyway, that is why G-D gave us hashish bwaaaahaha.
I don't like how I feel, and I don't remember what it's like to wake up and be happy; really, actually happy. As in, not remembering all the things I wish didn't exist, or hadn't happened.

Or wanting more drugs.
I wonder when I'll die sometimes. I do alot of over the counter drugs because it passes the time. I don't have the motivation to get a job, and I feel weak for thinking about quitting.

I just want to be happy
Hi, my name is: Mariposa

Never in my life have I been: able to eat ketchup

The one person who can drive me nuts is: My father

High school was: fun

When I'm nervous: I cry

The last time I cried was: Yesterday.

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: my cousin

My hair is: frizzy

When I was 10: I got my period for the first time.

Last Christmas: I spotted my bestie a hundred bills for his smack habit. I don't use.

I should be: rewriting tax code

When I look down I see: My comforter and my laptop

The happiest recent event was: I got 100% on my most recent exam?

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: stoned

By this time next year: I would like a sweet boyfriend who respects me and is not bipolar.

My current gripe is: Money.

I have a hard time understanding: Ignorance.

There's this girl I know that: fucked me over in true social climber's form. You'll get it someday, bitch.

You know I like you when: I hold you gently and snuggle against you.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My dad!

Take my advice: become addicted to reading!

Something that I really want to buy is: My own house.

If you visited the place I was born: you wouldn't. It kinda got annihilated in Katrina.

I plan to visit: Next trip is to Vancouver, BC. After that, Anchorage, Alaska. I am making my way northwards. My family is going to be pissed.

If you spend the night at my house: You'll get to sleep in one of 3 bedrooms, one of which is mine. And you must love dogs because there are now four and about to be five when my husky is returned.

I'd stop my wedding if: I already stopped my own wedding, and the hideous cake topper dress is up for sale. It's gorgeous if you like that sort of thing. I rid myself of my homophobic former fiance before the altar because he said he wouldn't get married in a place where 'fags' get married. It's called San Francisco City Hall, and I'm not getting married anywhere but there. I love my city and I will pledge my life to my future husband there or not at all.

The world could do without: Stupidity.

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Eat ketchup.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: A tank of gasoline.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: I'm not allowed to know what's in the present under the tree with my name on it!

My favorite blonde is: Myself.

My favorite brunette is: My housemate. She shares a name with one of our admins!

My favorite redhead is: Kyley.

My middle name is: Jessica.

This morning I: woke up and had a Diet Coke.

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: Huskies.

Once, at a bar: I got roofied.

Last night I was: studying and then I went to sleep.

There's this guy I know who: sells dope to kids?

I don't know: the meaning of life.

A better name for me would be: Mariposa

Tomorrow I am: painting a house.

Tonight I am: painting a house.

My birthday is: the day before the worst deadline ever, it's also the day Lincoln was assassinated and the Titanic sank.

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: not having to pay for anything, because my dude was broke.

I can sing: I can!

I like a guy named: Thomas or William.

My best friend's name: Brucelighter, my esteemed father.
I've done a lot of self evaluation lately and have come to a lot of positive realizations I think.

Relationships aren't everything. Although what we had for 4 1/2 years was real, we were in two different places in life. I can't ever be with him again because a part of me will always resent him for what he did to me. Ill never be able to let go. Ill never be part of his family. It's something that's important to me and he doesn't view it that way. I'm not speaking to him anymore. It hurts me but its the way it needs to be...

I can't live here anymore. I hate the east coast. The north east. The drugs, the people, the weather...there's nowhere around here to run. I fantasize about packing up my car and just driving until I find somewhere that feels right. I have money saved, so I technically could, I just don't know if I could leave my job and school. Of course, I could always start fresh, since that is the point after all. I can't stand to be here anymore. Every turn brings me anxiety because every corner is lurking with bad memories.

My opiate addiction has gotten way out of fucking control. I never thought I'd be at this point. Isn't that what we all say?
Hi, my name is: Heather

Never in my life have I been: Truly happy

The one person who can drive me nuts is: My ex

High school was: Horrible

When I'm nervous: I take Xanax.

The last time I cried was: Yesterday.

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: I wouldn't have one, I don't have enough friends.

My hair is: Long.

When I was 10: I started to realize I wasn't "normal".

Last Christmas: I was alone.

I should be: Doing errands before work.

When I look down I see: My phone keypad.

The happiest recent event was: Good question...

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: Never watched it.

By this time next year: I hope I'm happy.

My current gripe is: Life.

I have a hard time understanding: Ignorance.

There's this girl I know that: Fooled around with my (now) ex boyfriend while we were together.

You know I like you when: I make time for you.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Mom.

Take my advice: Educate yourself.

Something that I really want to buy is: A house halfway across the country.

If you visited the place I was born: you would be unimpressed.

I plan to visit: Anywhere I dream.

If you spend the night at my house: You better not be allergic to cats.

I'd stop my wedding if: I caught him with his pants at his ankles, in the act, cheating on me.

The world could do without: Ignorant people.

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Work.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: Lotion.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: Food.

My favorite blonde is: Don't know.

My favorite brunette is: Mom.

My favorite redhead is: I don't know.

My middle name is: ---

This morning I: did nothing.

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: Pigs.

Once, at a bar: I punched a chick in the face and broke her nose.

Last night I was: asleep.

There's this guy I know who: hurt me bad.

I don't know: why I'm here.

A better name for me would be: Bitch.

Tomorrow I am: working.

Tonight I am: working.

My birthday is: in the sprint b

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: fuck that.

I can sing: country music well b

I like a guy named: Ben.

My best friend's name: --
Apparently there is some merit in being vulnerable so i put myself on the line today but as expected got shut down. So annoyed at myself. What am I playing at here? What am I trying to achieve?
Felt good knowing you are okay but you dont even reciprocate the question - would it kill you to ask ME how I am? Perhaps you don't care. It really does not matter. I don't want you but I want you to want me. How fucked up is that.

Maybe I should heed my own advice and stay away from you. The attraction I feel cannot be good for me at the moment. I need to clear my head and you are like smoke atm. You permeate every part of my mind. Never has anyone had this effect on me, it is intoxicating.
well, here i am again..placed in the same situation.

Long story short, i've been living with this chick for nearly 3 months, things were going alright at first, i would work, then go to 'her apt' to sleep, well guess after me doing this for awhile she was kind of getting confused. she was thinking more along the lines of having a relationship with me while i'm living there. since knowing the details of this, i lost my spark in spending time with her, we still talked, only over text or facebook because id come home late(shed be asleep) and has to work in the morning and i'd be asleep(on the couch) so we would never interact much. This started going on the past few weeks, and didn't change much. until the other day when she sent me a text asking if we had time to talk. she texted me saying that the ppl that run the apt that where she lives had called her and told her that they didn't know someone else(me)was living with her, and told her that she has 30days to resolve this or they would evict her. don't really know if she's bullshitting with me about this, or if she's telling the truth. well thats not the point..
the point is i'm out a place to stay again, so i'll be back homeless. fucking hate this shit.
there is some hope, a friend of mine mentioned something about cleaning out a messy room in his basement and let me stay with him. the thing is that the room is messy as fuck, and has a black mold problem, not only that but needs some drywall work. so i'm thinking, i can clean out that room, try and fix things up and make it living able, and go with it. all my friend mentioned was helping to pay for some of the utilities. whcih i can do, i work full time.
i really hope things work out for me,i don't know if i'm 100% about this,my friend was on stimulants when he told me this, i hope he's faithful to his word.
i really hope and pray that this will work out..That i don't wait for the last minute to think of something to do..
since i work with my friend, and have some $ now, maybe i can talk to him about if i pay him some $ for 'rent' to stay on his couch or something until i get the other room cleaned up? he knows i work prettymuch fulltime and would be a good way to help carpool eachother to and from from work.

(i'm writing this inside a mc donalds..)
well lets see what happens next?
By the skin of my teeth and through sheer wit.

And I have an underground blog getting passed around.

Read it and weep
New dumping ground for prohibition-related writings.




In 2007, police swept on a Mexico City mansion to find $207 million piled up in huge mountains of notes in what the DEA said was the biggest cash bust in world history.

The homeowner Zhenli Ye Gon, a Chinese national, was later arrested in the United States, where he is now standing trial for selling raw chemicals to cartels for the production of meth.

For those unfamiliar, Zhenli is someone worth googling; it is not as simple as that^.
Zhenli owned unimed(amongst other pharm co's), and imported pseudo into mexico with gov sanction until '05. The charges he faces are that he had a shipment afterwards. Now, while you probably didn't remember his name, you probably remember the pic of some of the cash found at his mansion:


Wondering why a "meth lord" was keeping ~$200M+ in his personal mansion? Me too; not really in keeping with someone who considers the $$ to be contraband... Zhenli claims that ~$50M of it is his, the rest is $ he was safeguarding for/at the instruction of Calderon's party(PAN). Not surprisingly, this has been dismissed as nonsense by president calderon (the majority of mexicans *do not* side with their government in this case, which is a large media topic in mexico. "I believe the Chinaman" or something like that (lol) bumper stickers are a common sight)

Zhenli intended to seek political asylum in the US, and was with his (wife? friend? meh) eating near a mall (no hiding, no bodyguards) when 7-8 DEA agents came in and escorted him out.

The US DOJ (not Zhenli or his lawyers) filed motion to dismiss the case in june'09, citing Mexico's interests as well as evidentiary concerns. The case was dismissed(with predjudice) in august'09, and he's awaiting what he fears- extradition to mexico (note that your typical narcotrafficker is the opposite- teh US justice system is to be feared/avoided)

Hopefully *someone* here is familiar enough with this case to elaborate for us. I'm very interested to know what mexican interests our DOJ would cite in dismissing a case that's over enough pseudo for ~$700B+ ice. Their interests to produce cheap ice? The interests of calderon to be just as involved as any druglord, despite being the one waging the obscenely bloody mexican drug war we've seen these past years?
(this is our way of regulating the narcotics industry? if we're gonna have our fingers in it from chinese pseudo to US street dealers, let's just legalize, nationalize and tax the fucker already, and watch what it does for social concerns and the US economy (both from direct effects and from secondary things, like strengthening mexico economically. Think of what teh drug war does to mexico, and then realize that all ethical/humanitarian concerns aside, they are our 3rd largest trade partner, and they're living under war/drug lords in HUGE parts of the country))



Zhenli isn't the only high-profile narco-case that has the potential to show some serious foul play by gov's. Cannot recall names(I suck at recalling spanish names lol) but if you care to google you'll find the big sinaloa bosses* case where they're making the (believable)claim they are immune and were acting with US/DEA sanction. Their case is not without merit.

FWIW, Zhenli's supposed allegiance was with sinaloa (very strong evidence that sinaloa is the "sanctioned"/ignored cartel by mx/us authorities). Also of interest is the $100M+ that Zhenli spent (read: laundered) at one of Sheldon Adelson's casino's in vegas (edit: perhaps much more, see:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/stevenb...s-targeted-in-money-laundering-investigation/



The dollars spent by junkies such as Stuart provide immense wealth south of the border.
What a disingenuous, ignorant way of stating it. Stuart's addiction would require only dollars' worth of meth at true production costs- the "immense wealth" provided to traffickers/terrorists/criminals comes from the artificial inflation created by the drug war, not directly from junkies' consumption needs. Stated another way- stuart's usage would provide no money to shady organizations on its own, but we've gone ahead and effectively subsidized these massive criminal org's by instituting an obscene markup, paid for in US addicts' dollars, and US agents' blood.

Such immense profits lead to bloody turf battles in a country where the minimum wage is just $5 a day.
this dynamic is what makes our domestic fallout from the drug war seem like a walk in the park. this, combined with the prices that otherwise cheap commodities could never have reached w/o artificial hiking from prohibition, creates government-like powers for the narco industries. What we're seeing now in mexico isn't new, just look at what happened in colombia after we declared war on drugs in '71, we turned the FARC into a well-funded, full-fledged terrorist organization (which saw the creation of AUC in response), and the country has been in full-fledged civil war since (a war that we are party to, not just wrt its inception or in some ideological sense, but in a real sense of $, personnel on the ground and training. Some would argue that ends justify means, and that a lot of this is necessary-evil, to keep influence in the region <some say this for our involvement in the 2nd largest drug-producing state behind colombia: afghanistan>. A simple glimpse of the $#'s would show that, ethics aside, this can be accomplished far cheaper through legalizing and controlling hte markets directly).
Drug money liquidity saved many banks from collapse(and the global economy from such impact) in '08. The illicit drug economy accounts for about 1% of global GDP, as it stands right now. Again, one could put aside morality, ethics and human-rights concerns, and contend that such an industry clearly does have huge economic implications, and that the 1%GDP is only that high because of artificial-inflation, ie that such a large market only exists by virtue of prohibition. This is short-sightedness at its worst. If you do not see how legalizing drugs will, after some years, allow economies and nations to repurpose resources and citizens into more productive uses, you're being incredibly ignorant. The money and effort wasted to turn a profit in the global drug market would have to find new venues if drugs were legalized, and not only would this create more total productivity<as effort and money is not wasted on fighting an artificial barrier ie the drug war>, but the $ goes to different parts of society<ie doesn't enrich criminal/terrorist org's to nearly the extent we do today. Our drug war directly funds these people.)
Vested interests in the current state of affairs include almost everyone, sadly, except ideologically-concerned anti-prohibitionists (basically, nerds like myself). Government officials and large banks*, as organizations, are BETTER OFF if we legalize- the same cannot be said about *specific* politicians and bankers, ergo a strong resistance to change at the levels where change typically comes from, or at the very least, must enjoy support from.
[*read: HBUS and HBMX to see how institutionalized the black-market profits have become]
Yet another "unintended consequence" of prohibition, we have allowed massive power accumulations in institutionalized areas such as these banks, or the DEA, that are now very very threatened by the prospect of legalization, despite it providing a net-benefit to governments as a whole, or the banking industry as a whole.
haven't done a blog post in awhile . . . things have been pretty depressing. Good thing is, I quit smoking. Happened like this: cut back to about 3/4 cigs/day. had a friend over, we got high, i was feeling good, took deep drag on unfiltered cig, felt sick, thought i was dying and passed out. Threw up and felt better, figured it was food poisoning. next day, as an experiment, I took drag of cig and felt like passing out again so haven;t had another one since.

Been having panic attacks related to smoking (thought something was wrong with heart), caused so much anxiety, my heart rate and blood-pressure went up really high . . . had terrible vacation because of it . . . . after i returned from vacation, i finally got some tranquilizers (ativan) and have not had to take any anymore.

Here's the best way to describe my economic situation: used to be i could sell one-acre lots i own for $23k easily. Now, those same pots are selling for only $5000 . . . if u can find a buyer.

Didn;t win the $500-million lottery . . . don;t usually buy tickets bit thought god wanted me to win, so I could run full-page ads in the New York Times like Yoko Ono does.

Missed the cut-off date to apply to be on Survivor (they actually called me one year but thought I was kidding them, my friend wouldn;t vouch for me and tell them I'm for real) . . . would also love to be on Apprentice and meet Donald Trump.

Not motivated to do much anymore, no enthusiasm.

Was delighted to see one of my fliers published in a book about the Kennedy assassination.
I see the needle he is holding it wont give it up. I beg plead Ill save you half the shot I know I took suboxone but it might work I need to try. He gives me a sick devilish grin as he shoves the needle into my forearm pushing down the plunger before I can protest. "You fucking asshole missed the damn shot" I say as I lunge for the rig. I take it as the car swerves I slam it into my vein on feeling alone I am a fucking professional after all. All of a sudden I feel warm not a proper rush but warm. I look up and we are crashing bam!!! we hit a car parked car and dude jumps out. I jump in the drivers seat thinking cops got to go!!!. Now I am driving but I don't recognize this place where the fuck am I? The rest of the dream is me running from the cops though I never see them they must be chasing me.

I wake up covered in sweat "fuck just a dream" no heroin no needles. I think about smoking a bowl to calm down but it seems pointless nothing but the real thing will satisfy. Unfortunately I have no connect I burned all those bridges in a moment of self righteousness I thought I am done with that shit. Now I realize that shit was important it was my salvation and my death rolled into one. Oh what I would do to feel that sting that sweet sweet taste. One day we will reunite it will be a good day.
About 40 degrees, no air con on the train im travelling on, listening to blues whilst making my way back to the burbs...Its been a good week.
The snowball thought cycle of a panic attack:

"Oh shit I overdosed."
"I'm going to die a worthless meth tweaker."
"I should go to the hospital"
"No, I can't, everyone will know. They might call the cops."
"I hate meth. I should have never done that."
"I'm never taking this drug again."
"Oh my god my heart is going to explode."
"Please, someone, save me. Give me another chance. I'll be good. I'll change."
"It's going to happen at any moment. It's going to happen. It's going to happen."
"It'll be painful and no one will help me. I will die."
"What happens after death?"
"I don't want to die."
"I just want a second chance."

Thought process of a real overdose:

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"
"I'm shaking uncontrollably."
"My kidneys HURT."
"My mouth tastes funny. Like metal or pennies."
"I can barely move."
"My heart is out of control. 200 BPM? That's not normal, I took the bump 10 minutes ago."
"I'm so fucking hot. I feel like I have a horrible fever."
"I don't care if the cops get called or my family knows about my use. Take me. Call 9-11."
I got a job and the first two weeks of it is consisting of a trip to a 200km away town to do a training. I'm staying at a hotel with a roomate. The second week will start this Monday. We were allowed to come back home this weekend.
So basically I'm surrounded by people the whole day. The training eats up 6 to 7 hours a day, then there is some activity to do after the training, usually followed by socializing. Honestly I would like to stay at the fucking hotel watching the 200 channel TV but I dont want to be the asshole who rejects the invitations. Then I gotta come back to the room to sleep with a roomate. I'm an only child so I never had siblings to share bedrooms with and this is new to me
There is actually quite some moments I have fun and some people I really do like, but godammit how I feel EXHAUSTED around people. Even in moments I'm having fun I feel suffocated. This is nothing new to me, I've always been like this but I never wanted so badly to have a few moments, like this, of feeling the bliss of being by myself.

"nothing suffocates you more than the passing of everyday human events"
Well, first post here in Blogs. I'd completely forgotten there was something parallel to the forums on BL. I'm not quite sure what I'll be saying here but well, I love both to write and talk about myself so I'm sure I'll find some stuff :)
Currently trying to postpone studying for my philosophy exam. I'm one of those people who preferred to stay outside and smoke during class in high school and who somehow still miraculously made it through, and everyone wonders why. Or maybe it's just that six months of benzo blackouts have made me forget how to actually work. In any case, this is going very slowly and unproductively and it's getting quite frustrating.

It's been a difficult year and I'm glad things are finally starting to settle down a little. Can't say I'm thrilled with the way my life is right now, but at least I've torn myself away from my previous addictions (about a month clean both from heroin and benzos, hooray) and I'm starting to finally really get to know some people here. Moving to a new country on your own really is quite daunting. Especially knowing all my friends are still together back home. I have to confess I didn't expect to miss them this much - or my family, for that matter.

But it was also good for me to get this fresh start, a jab at a new life, I think. I needed it.

Just got back from watching American Psycho with a few people upstairs, that was pretty cool although I'm too creeped out to go to sleep now, ha. Somehow the conversation turned to drug use and they were all talking about 'tripping so hard on codeine' and I just sat there awkwarkly thinking about how much I wanted heroin. It wasn't nice. It's so strange to have that sort of secret that no one suspects. I wonder what other people are hiding.
Please. I have a ton of new music but none of it has really captured my interest. I don't know if it is just me or what but everything I've listened to sounds so bland.

God, I hope it's not me.
You're driven to possess
It hurts it's so unjust
Just lust, just lust
If nothing mattered less
Then I wouldn't make a fuss
Just lust, just lust

It's my imagination
To see things as I choose
Love has a reputation
That it can only lose

I'm an asshole...
Where is your cell phone?
no cell phone
Where is your significant other?
no SE
What color is your hair?
brown
Where is your mother?
French Riviera
Where is your father?
French Riviera
What is your favorite thing?
A good joint of skunk
Your dream last night?
yeah sure
Your favorite drink?
anything pineapple
Your hobby?
writing
Your fear?
insects
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
I don't know
Where were you last night?
in front of my computer
Something that you aren't?
happy
wish list item?
electric brushing teeth machine
Last thing you did?
lit a cig
What are you wearing?
hobo clothes
What did you watch on TV last night?
nothing
Your pet's name?
Pomme (French for Apple -it's a dog, a lab)
Describe your friends?
few
Describe your life?
joker
Your mood?
sad
Are you missing someone?
yes
What do you drink?
pineapple juice
What kind of car do you have?
none - I take the subway, like all conscious Parisians
Something you're not wearing?
piercings
Your favorite store?
none - I hate stores, I know, so heterosexual...
Your favorite color?
my eyes are blue, babe
When is the last time you cried?
everytime you go
Who will resend this?
lolwut?
Where do you go to over and over?
my methadone clinic
Five people who email me regularly?
not one
Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
Holland
Four people I think will respond
don't know
Not only now, but throughout my lifetime, my DOC has made me a better person.

By better, I mean the following:

I am a more useful human because I experienced selfless, whole love through a change in my consciousness brought about by psychotropic chemicals. I feel that more love is better and therefore I am a better person because I feel loved and I have more compassion than I did before. The substances filtered through my body and were long gone but my understanding was changed forever.

I am a more highly skilled person because my DOCs have led me to learn new skills. Chemicals have to be accessed and handled in different ways and I developed new skills with each new admixture I became familiar with. I also developed a keener sense of my abilities and I have done more to increase my life skills because I saw that it was a possibility after my perception was altered. Chemicals are restricted under the laws of time and eventually I became free of the chemical, but I retained the skills I had mastered and continued to seek out and employ new skills.

I see no reason to extrapolate any further. I believe I've explained myself enough to get my point across, which is, Yes my DOC has made me a better person.
It is so sad to see you upset and not be able to hug you. Even after almost 10 years passing, i can honestly still say i love you. In a way i wish you would feel the same but at the same time i'm glad you do not. Neither of us needs the additional complication of a relationship at this stage in our lives.
After 4 years together we ended in the same manner we begun. Slow-paced descent. I've thought about the reasons that led to where we are and whilst this introspection is not done for the purpose of "fixing" us (which is normally the case) I thought it worthwhile to put pen to paper figuratively speaking. There will be times in the coming months where I will miss you, us and may considering rekindling what once was. That cannot be though so here it is, top 10 reasons why we couldn't make it work:

1. We hate everything about each other. We may love each other but we do not like each other AT ALL anymore.
2. We cannot agree on anything. Not politics, religion, life-style choices. ANYTHING.
3. We do not make each other happy anymore, being together has become a chore as opposed to a free choice.
4. I dont trust you when it comes to money.
5. You do not trust my intentions and are constantly accusing me of having alterior motives for everything I do. I cannot live like this.
6. We constantly argue about anything and everything. It is f*cking exhausting.
7. I don't think you will be a good life partner - we have no common interests and cannot even hold a decent conversation anymore.
8. I don't think you will be a good father - you seem more interested in gambling and drinking than anything else and I can't see myself having a child with you because of this.
9. You never believed in me. All throughout getting my degree you kept insisting it was never going to pay off - glad to be able to prove you wrong after all these years.
10. I am no longer attracted to you - you stopped taking pride in your appearance and seem to only make an effort to look good when you are out with your friends.

Feel like a massive weight has finally been lifted off my shoulders and can now breathe easy again :)
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