When I was using (one word or both alcohol and drugs), I had every excuse in the world to continue that trend:
"My girlfriend upset me."
"My curfew was 8pm when I was a child."
"The sun is hot."
"I work hard."
"I deal with a lot of crap."
"I am depressed."
"Life sucks."
"Life rocks"
"I can't get over what I did."
"I'm an alcoholic, I am supposed to..."
"I'm a drug addict, I am supposed to..."
...and so on.
I had them all. The negative ones when I had to reinforce to myself that my life was the worst life out of 6 billion of us. The good ones when I had to reinforce myself into thinking "I am doing good, I know I can handle this when I am doing good."
In retrospect and with an increasingly clearer mind, it was all nonsense. It's all excuses. It's all reasons to justify my behavior. It was all drama I was using to create problems that did not exist. Yes, I am an alcoholic and drug addict, but that doesn't mean I had any problems that were not of my own making. My unclear and unconscious delusional mind made it seem as if I had impending doom around the corner at every stop. It was a wildfire burning on the parched plains of the North American mid-west.
I have been fortunate enough to hear teachers, counselors, professionals, and other sentient beings in my situation voice what has worked for them. Different philosophies but the same end result: sobriety. While I may have agreed or disagreed with what I heard at the time, today certain bits and pieces come back and fit exactly where they are supposed to. Just is the same when I read: I do not try to force comprehension of something I can't quite grasp. I know through my direct experience in the future this will align and make sense. This is my wisdom and not gathered over night.
When I woke up after a night spent at my hometown's dump of a bar, I sat up in bed with my mind out of control. A raging inferno containing thoughts of disappointment, shame, remorse, anger, sorrow, inferiority, brokenness, and despair. My mind kept bringing me back to, "I should just kill myself", as it has for years. Right then, the scenery in my mind changed. "If alcohol doesn't go, then I have to go." With that statement came with it the power to make a decision to stop destroying the very vessel that explores this beautiful life for me. I realized I had a choice, as I have had all these years, to make my life what I want it for me.
I have absolutely no power whatsoever in the world. What goes on around me, external of me, is the world existing in its' chaotic but perfected way. I have always known that I could not change or control the world, but I think I used because I knew I was powerless over the world. However, in this process, I forgot all about myself.
With my power to make decisions comes my power to stay sober. I am wise today because the wisdom I have gathered is being used in such a way to not make the mistakes of my past. I am free. I am me.
The truth exists with or without me. It needs no excuse, no manipulative story, nothing. It shines bright like the hot sun in the desert after the swirl of dust has settled. My excuses and my disrespect for the truth came through the delusions of my mind. From my mind stems all personal problems, for I do not have any true problems.
"My girlfriend upset me."
"My curfew was 8pm when I was a child."
"The sun is hot."
"I work hard."
"I deal with a lot of crap."
"I am depressed."
"Life sucks."
"Life rocks"
"I can't get over what I did."
"I'm an alcoholic, I am supposed to..."
"I'm a drug addict, I am supposed to..."
...and so on.
I had them all. The negative ones when I had to reinforce to myself that my life was the worst life out of 6 billion of us. The good ones when I had to reinforce myself into thinking "I am doing good, I know I can handle this when I am doing good."
In retrospect and with an increasingly clearer mind, it was all nonsense. It's all excuses. It's all reasons to justify my behavior. It was all drama I was using to create problems that did not exist. Yes, I am an alcoholic and drug addict, but that doesn't mean I had any problems that were not of my own making. My unclear and unconscious delusional mind made it seem as if I had impending doom around the corner at every stop. It was a wildfire burning on the parched plains of the North American mid-west.
I have been fortunate enough to hear teachers, counselors, professionals, and other sentient beings in my situation voice what has worked for them. Different philosophies but the same end result: sobriety. While I may have agreed or disagreed with what I heard at the time, today certain bits and pieces come back and fit exactly where they are supposed to. Just is the same when I read: I do not try to force comprehension of something I can't quite grasp. I know through my direct experience in the future this will align and make sense. This is my wisdom and not gathered over night.
When I woke up after a night spent at my hometown's dump of a bar, I sat up in bed with my mind out of control. A raging inferno containing thoughts of disappointment, shame, remorse, anger, sorrow, inferiority, brokenness, and despair. My mind kept bringing me back to, "I should just kill myself", as it has for years. Right then, the scenery in my mind changed. "If alcohol doesn't go, then I have to go." With that statement came with it the power to make a decision to stop destroying the very vessel that explores this beautiful life for me. I realized I had a choice, as I have had all these years, to make my life what I want it for me.
I have absolutely no power whatsoever in the world. What goes on around me, external of me, is the world existing in its' chaotic but perfected way. I have always known that I could not change or control the world, but I think I used because I knew I was powerless over the world. However, in this process, I forgot all about myself.
With my power to make decisions comes my power to stay sober. I am wise today because the wisdom I have gathered is being used in such a way to not make the mistakes of my past. I am free. I am me.
The truth exists with or without me. It needs no excuse, no manipulative story, nothing. It shines bright like the hot sun in the desert after the swirl of dust has settled. My excuses and my disrespect for the truth came through the delusions of my mind. From my mind stems all personal problems, for I do not have any true problems.