The paramedics were working on him but kept telling everyone to get out...I was just running around like i was in a dream not knowing what to do....finally they took him to the ambulance..I didnt evne seen him out the door, only once he was in there, and i climbed up to look in the window and saw his body strapped down......knowing but not knowing he was dead, still holding out hope, even though the EMTs were casually smoking a cigarette outside the ambulance waiting for the family to get in their cars for the ride to the hospital. I heard them say that they were bringing him to st. clares, which is not the closest hospital. When they said that, I knew, logically, that if there was any chance of helping him, they would rush him to the closest hospital, but I still was in a daze, still hoping, and i forced it out of my mind.
Then the cops told me I had to come with them.....that they were gonna have a detective come and interview me to see if i had a role in his death...so i left with them, with all my clothes, ipod, phone, stuff, (i was basically living there) left behind, they told me i could come back and get them later, not realizing that the family would never let me in the house agian...and they took me and held me in a cell for 3 hours by my self and I just was in there sobbing and screaming and praying, praying, praying....that he was alive, that he was ok, that it was gonna be alright......
finally they came and told me that they were charging me with tampering with evidence, that the detective didnt need to talk to me he just said to charge and release me. my dad came to pick me up and told me we were going to the hspital. i thought he meant to see steve. i closed my eyes and tried to sleep but when we got there it wasnt St Clares. then he told me we were there for me. I didnt understand. He told me steve was dead and i just broke down screaming in the parking lot. they had to drag me in, i couldnt even walk. worse than you see in the movies. they took me into the hospital and put me into a psychiatric evaluation room. i was there by myself just delirious with grief til they came and shot me up with ativan and haldol and put me to sleep...
at that point i couldnt wait to get back home and go see his family, find out when the funeral was, get my stuff, all that, but when i came home my family said that steves brother had came to the house, threw everything of mine that he recognized onto the front lawn, and cussed out my entire family and everyone in it, freaking out and screaming and everything youd expect...and then a neighbor we both knew came to my house and told me that steves family asked him to come and tell me that Im not welcome at the funeral, that there woudl be cops there checking names on the list of people who wasnt allowed so I shouldnt even bother to try and come.
his family knew my history, that i was a recovered addict, and whatever....so I guess the eaasiest thing for them to do, was to put blame on me, instead of admit that steve used drugs on his own free will and they were all fooled. They refused to belive that I didnt know nothing about it. they refused to believe that it could have been something he did BEFORE he ever even met me. Everyone just blames me, bnecause "steve would never do that." He hid it so fucking well that even confronted with direct evidence that he DID DO IT, they still cannot face the truth.
And now, on top of this all, 2 days after he died, Child Protective Services came to my door. Steves family called in a report on me that I am a drug addict, that theres drug and alcohol abuse going on in the present of the child, and god only knows what else they told them. Now theyre trying to take my kid away.
A day or 2 after that, when I wasnt home, a detective came to the door asking to talk to me. That they need to hear "my side of the story". I didnt talk to them, and got a lawyer who contacted them and I aint heard from them since. But I heard from that same neighbor who I ran into the other day, that theres an investigation into the death. That theyre trying to find out what "really" happened. His family is telling the cops that they believe that I shot him up with the drugs that killed him. That i was directly responsible for his death. Theyre telling everybody that this was his first time ever using, that I got him drugs and like, forced him to use with me, and shot him up. I know that aint true, but nobody else except Steve knows that, and hes gone. Im the only one who knows the truth. And the thing is, I know that theres no way to proove whether I did or did not do that--only 2 people was in that room that night, me, and him, and hes gone. Unless they had a secret video camera with a tape of it, they have no way to show that I did that. So I should be in the clear, you would think. But my lawyer told me that in NJ, the law is very, very vague and all encompassing in a situation of a overdose resulting in death. That anybody who "facilitates" the use of the drugs that killed the person can be held responsible. And facilitating can mean many, many things. say your friend buys the drugs, and he says hey, can you make my shot up for me, my hands are too shaky right now, so you prep his shot for him, pass it to him, and he shoots up himself, and dies, you still 'facilitated' the use of the drugs and can be charged. it can be applied to so many situations and stretched to fit however they want it to fit. the thing is, normally they wouldnt do that. normally someone dies from an OD and whoever is there is just whoever was there, they aint gonna go out of their way to try and find a way to nail them. but because his family is pushing so aggressively its a whole different story.
So for all I know, next time I hear a knock on the door it could be the cops with a warrant to lock me up. his family wants revenge. They are out for blood. they want to destroy me and what is left of my life. I aint just dealing with him being gone. Im dealing with the possibility of losing my kid and being charged with killing the man I loved more than my own fucking life itself. Its so fucking sick and twisted that I cant even understand. To lose the love of my life and then be told I am responsible for his death is just so beyond wrong.
Then the cops told me I had to come with them.....that they were gonna have a detective come and interview me to see if i had a role in his death...so i left with them, with all my clothes, ipod, phone, stuff, (i was basically living there) left behind, they told me i could come back and get them later, not realizing that the family would never let me in the house agian...and they took me and held me in a cell for 3 hours by my self and I just was in there sobbing and screaming and praying, praying, praying....that he was alive, that he was ok, that it was gonna be alright......
finally they came and told me that they were charging me with tampering with evidence, that the detective didnt need to talk to me he just said to charge and release me. my dad came to pick me up and told me we were going to the hspital. i thought he meant to see steve. i closed my eyes and tried to sleep but when we got there it wasnt St Clares. then he told me we were there for me. I didnt understand. He told me steve was dead and i just broke down screaming in the parking lot. they had to drag me in, i couldnt even walk. worse than you see in the movies. they took me into the hospital and put me into a psychiatric evaluation room. i was there by myself just delirious with grief til they came and shot me up with ativan and haldol and put me to sleep...
at that point i couldnt wait to get back home and go see his family, find out when the funeral was, get my stuff, all that, but when i came home my family said that steves brother had came to the house, threw everything of mine that he recognized onto the front lawn, and cussed out my entire family and everyone in it, freaking out and screaming and everything youd expect...and then a neighbor we both knew came to my house and told me that steves family asked him to come and tell me that Im not welcome at the funeral, that there woudl be cops there checking names on the list of people who wasnt allowed so I shouldnt even bother to try and come.
his family knew my history, that i was a recovered addict, and whatever....so I guess the eaasiest thing for them to do, was to put blame on me, instead of admit that steve used drugs on his own free will and they were all fooled. They refused to belive that I didnt know nothing about it. they refused to believe that it could have been something he did BEFORE he ever even met me. Everyone just blames me, bnecause "steve would never do that." He hid it so fucking well that even confronted with direct evidence that he DID DO IT, they still cannot face the truth.
And now, on top of this all, 2 days after he died, Child Protective Services came to my door. Steves family called in a report on me that I am a drug addict, that theres drug and alcohol abuse going on in the present of the child, and god only knows what else they told them. Now theyre trying to take my kid away.
A day or 2 after that, when I wasnt home, a detective came to the door asking to talk to me. That they need to hear "my side of the story". I didnt talk to them, and got a lawyer who contacted them and I aint heard from them since. But I heard from that same neighbor who I ran into the other day, that theres an investigation into the death. That theyre trying to find out what "really" happened. His family is telling the cops that they believe that I shot him up with the drugs that killed him. That i was directly responsible for his death. Theyre telling everybody that this was his first time ever using, that I got him drugs and like, forced him to use with me, and shot him up. I know that aint true, but nobody else except Steve knows that, and hes gone. Im the only one who knows the truth. And the thing is, I know that theres no way to proove whether I did or did not do that--only 2 people was in that room that night, me, and him, and hes gone. Unless they had a secret video camera with a tape of it, they have no way to show that I did that. So I should be in the clear, you would think. But my lawyer told me that in NJ, the law is very, very vague and all encompassing in a situation of a overdose resulting in death. That anybody who "facilitates" the use of the drugs that killed the person can be held responsible. And facilitating can mean many, many things. say your friend buys the drugs, and he says hey, can you make my shot up for me, my hands are too shaky right now, so you prep his shot for him, pass it to him, and he shoots up himself, and dies, you still 'facilitated' the use of the drugs and can be charged. it can be applied to so many situations and stretched to fit however they want it to fit. the thing is, normally they wouldnt do that. normally someone dies from an OD and whoever is there is just whoever was there, they aint gonna go out of their way to try and find a way to nail them. but because his family is pushing so aggressively its a whole different story.
So for all I know, next time I hear a knock on the door it could be the cops with a warrant to lock me up. his family wants revenge. They are out for blood. they want to destroy me and what is left of my life. I aint just dealing with him being gone. Im dealing with the possibility of losing my kid and being charged with killing the man I loved more than my own fucking life itself. Its so fucking sick and twisted that I cant even understand. To lose the love of my life and then be told I am responsible for his death is just so beyond wrong.