So I've been working at a very ubiquitous coffee chain for the past 6 months. I've been doing pretty damn good too. Not a lot of responsibility aside from showing up on time (which can be hard, because sometimes I have to be there at 6am, ready to work) but I've been doing it. The store I started at originally was SUPER busy during out peak period, seeing like 150+ people in our busiest half hour. My new store that i transferred to about a month ago (and about 2 blocks away) is about half that during our busiest half hour, which is great.
I had some slip ups and was in housing court YET AGAIN back in November and December of 2014. The landlord and his attorney were basically like, "If we have to take you to court again, we're going to pursue an eviction case and not a nonpayment case." Or something like that. I'm not 100% sure that they can do that, but I also do not wish to find out. So I've been caught up with my rent since then. That's almost 6 months of paying rent [almost] on time. My rent is due on the 5th, so it's usually in by the 8th or something like that. I don't want to fuck with them, because obviously we need a place to live. Me, my girlfriend, my brother and my dogs. I don't particularly enjoy the apartment I live in because of the bad memories and the crampedness and whatever else. But it's the only place I've ever lived and it's the only place I could afford (in NYC at least). So we'll be here for the foreseeable future.
We were SO CLOSE to being homeless SO MANY TIMES. It took a huge toll on my nerves. And my girlfriend's nerves as well. Even my brother. Any time someone knocks at the door, we all freak out a little. Even if it's a Jehovah's Witness or whatever. We're just so on edge because it was usually the Marshall coming to serve us with eviction papers. Ugh. That definitely didn't help me to stay sober, because anxiety is a huge trigger in my drug use. So glad I came to that realization.
I still see my therapist with whom I used to score drugs with/for. (I mostly would buy him molly and he'd throw me like $20 bucks and give me a ride to the dealer I'd see anyway, so it wasn't very beneficial to me.) I don't really know why I see him still. The "therapeutic relationship" has been ruined for many years. There's nothing I can gain from seeing him. I only go maybe every other week. We have a standing appointment. He mostly vents to me about his ex-wife and his fucked up patients. It's so toxic, to be honest. I need to find a new therapist, but I feel like he ruined therapy for me... I have no faith in it. I've seen three other therapists prior to him, but they obviously didn't work out either. Maybe I'll just give up on therapy for now and try again in 6 months or so. My psychiatrist is amazing. I should probably ask her for a recommendation, but I haven't done so yet.
Also, my Suboxone doctor and I have come a long way... He's going to start giving me refills so I don't have to see him every month. Which is a huge victory for me, because prior to that he wanted to drop me as a patient. Basically, I'd use 3 weeks out of the month and then stop the week before I had to see him. I'm sure he could tell. That's his fucking job, after all. I then stopped using so much and just stayed on Suboxone only. That really helped me get my life back. Being dependent on a chemical to function fucking SUCKS BALLS, but at least Suboxone is legal and fairly affordable (I pay around $80 for the prescription fee and the actual medication. Can't beat that. God knows I was spending every last dime on heroin and still spending maybe 2 out of every 4 weeks per month DOPE SICK. And every time I'd start to feel like a human being again, bam, start using heroin again and then run out of money. I couldn't keep a job. It was no way to live. I was a terrible girlfriend and a terrible sister and a terrible friend and a terrible dog mommy.
This brings me to the past week. I had 4 days off from work, because they fucking like to cut my hours every once in a while. Tuesday through Friday, off. So an old dealer of mine got in touch with me and offered me some coke and dope for like $70 bucks. It was hard to pass up. So hard, in fact, I didn't pass up on it. I went and got the shit. I did like half the coke and one bag of dope so far. I'm pretty faded at the moment. Obviously. Because that's the only time I like to write, when I'm faded. Sad, but true. I could have gotten marijuana or something, but no, I wanted coke and dope. It's not a *huge* deal because I get paid tomorrow and we have plenty of food in the house and all the bills are paid and I don't have any responsibilities until Saturday when I work again, but like, WHY? Why did I need to get high? The last time I got high was a little over a month ago I think. Which is pretty huge for me. I was a daily user. I didn't use IV, but heroin and coke are still heroin and coke. If I did use IV, I would probably be worse off. If my family did become homeless because of me, I don't know what I would have done. We probably would have lost our dogs and had to put them in a shelter or something. They're gorgeous dogs and highly sought after breeds so I'm sure they would have been adopted, but I know we would have been heartbroken. My male dog is 8 and a half years old and my female is 5 and a half. They've been with us since they were puppies. God, the fact that I would have lost my dogs never dawned on me as a real possibility because I was so fucked up I guess. But it could have and would have happened.
I'm so happy I got on Suboxone. Perhaps I give Suboxone too much credit. Obviously it was me choosing to cut down on using drugs. But the Suboxone made it possible to not be sick and to get a job and stay employed and be responsible and pay my bills. I've been on Suboxone maintenance for 2 years in July. The initial fee of $300 dollars for the evaluation appointment was difficult to get together, but it was the best investment I've ever made. I know I am no better than a daily heroin user in terms of my brain and body being dependent on a chemical to function normally, but I don't wake up in a panic each a every morning, counting down the hours until I am too sick to function, trying to come up with ways to make enough money to get well. And even if I did have the money, trying to find a fucking dope dealer to meet up with. Hoping and praying that their dope was actual dope, that it would get me well, that it wouldn't kill me, that I wouldn't get arrested or robbed or physically harmed on my way to buy the dope. So much stress maintaining a dope habit.
I am thankful it never got to the point where I had to live on the streets and beg or sell my body or rob innocent people for money. That's not to say I haven't done some grimy things for money, because I have. I'm sure we all have. That monkey wants to be fed, and it will make us become people we'd otherwise despise in order to satiate the beast. And then do the same shit all over the next day and the next and the next, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, until we decide we've had enough and want to get better and go to rehab or detox or cold turkey at home. Or until our bodies decide we've had enough and we overdose and die. Or we get caught by the police. Or we seek help from a doctor in the form of opiate replacement therapy. Or any of the other things that happen to addicts. I sort of want to do something in the field of social work to help others like me, but I just relapsed today. I'm essentially writing a long cocaine ramble. I don't think anyone will actually read this to the end, which is perfectly fine. But I don't know. BIG COFFEE CHAIN isn't really fulfilling work, but it's something to do until I decide what I really want to do.
I know I don't want to keep disappointing my family. I want to make them proud. I want to move my family out of this apartment. I want all the same things I wanted before I started this addiction. I wish I never touched an opiate or cocaine, but I did. I did learn a lot from this experience.
I'm going to try to write in here more often. And not just when I relapse. Ha. I hope every single Bluelighter I've interacted with is doing great. I hope every Bluelighter I've yet to meet is doing great.
I hope everyone finds what they're looking for. I'm still searching for my happiness, but I feel like I'm at least going in the right direction now. More so than before, at least.
