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So I dont keep a blog or anything i just feel that since the only thing i have here is the beginnings of an addiction and now that time has past I wanted to put something related here. About where I left off and what not because its rare people follow up on stuff.

I get to point and laugh at anyone who tried to tell me my g/f was using me or that it wasnt the way i knew it was. From the point that i left off things got worse, way worse even. I got clean in the end of 2012 and stayed that way until my relapse in 2014 and she was a daily IV user everyday multiple times a day while i was clean. We would go get dope i never taught her to IV and it didnt bother me. Everyone would be amazed because i am the only person who could be completely clean, off subs and everything, yet still buying, mixing, and shooting up someone multiple times a day with no problem. I use to joke about being sick coming off subs and with like 5 bundles of dope and a needle just like "i could just go raaaarara fuck it! and slam it into my arm" but i had no desire to.

So me being clean and her not continued until September of 2014 when i relapsed. At first I tried to hide it but she was an active IV user it was probably like 2 weeks of snorting before she could tell and i wasnt even doing it daily. She wasnt mad just concerned and worried she did ruin my life by not stopping and if we were anyone else it may have...

This is the awesome part. Beyond my ability to be surrounded by heroin while clean and even load it into a rig and shoot it into someone I have the ability to stop addictions with ease. Something being a daily thing never meant i had to do it everyday to me but rather i choose to, so after a short period of time IVing daily i chose to stop. Having had success with subs i tried them again but they had so many side effects this time around I couldnt do it. I could not keep up with the life so i had to get on methadone which i did. After about i month i got my g/f to join me. We had a 3-4 week period where we kept using but it dwindled. This was in February of 2015 so its only been 6 months.

My girlfriend is currently on 40mg and trying to get to 30mg. She meets much resistance at the clinic about lowering her dose because when she signed up she was a wreck. She was on multiple sleep aids and benzos but she was all but forced off benzos when her mom took her to some crazy psychologist her called her therapist saying he was basically "giving drugs to an addict and he can have his license removed and she will see to it if he doesnt get her off benzos" so shes down from 30mg of valium a day to 5mg from the beginning of the month and has stopped taking her anti depressants. She is a completely different person from who she was 6 months ago. She use to cry in the clinic about her life and stuff. So they are not use to an addict going from hopeless to super confident alpha female in 5 months i get it. But she went from not caring about herself to getting her hair and nails done, I swear to god shes the woman i knew she was now.

She use to have confidence issues but we make a game out of who can lower their methadone the quickest or work out the most who can out do everyone around the other the best or get passed impossible things. Seriously its going to be like "how was your day?" "oh well since we just went cold turkey off 10mg of methadone i spent the morning at work taking orders in between blasting puke in the bathroom but i still managed to lift, you know real eat nails and breath fire type shit" And this is coming from the girl who use to tell me she cant do it.

To literally everyone in my life who said for years she was using me and i said no you dont know her and theres something in her that i know is there. For like 3 years she was jobless and completely reliant on me people would confuse this for her using me or me trying to control her which was not the case. There is a being of great strength and intelligence inside of her and it was buried in abusive males a terrible childhood and a drug addiction she just needed some help.

I will always say relapsing was the best decision i made. If i didnt and did not get on methadone we may never have gotten to this point. I no longer fear the days and we are always trying to slip each other money and its just so awesome to finally have the person i knew was there back. Its hard for me to find someone who i can tolerate and who will get me, i am far from normal and we can never have a normal life because of who i am. But she gets me and shes every bit as smart and gifted as me and together we will rule the world having been through what we have.

One of the strangest aspects of my addiction is how a part of me wants to be addicted because I think it might help reduce the length of my life. To go deeper, I'm stuck in a limbo, where my desire and even need to move forward is blocked at every chance by demons of fear. Low self esteem, social anxiety, nihilistic outlook, pointlessness, aimlessness, why bother?

So - drugs. Numb the feelings today because tomorrow I could be gone. But I want to be happy. But I need to get my use in balance to be happy. But balance is near impossible when you believe you have control and have to learn the hard way you don't.

Then boredom. Bored of trying different ways to get the tolerance down. Bored of chasing the tail, just to be underwhelmed by the effects. Sick, and tired, but not sick and tired enough. I've told myself I was sick and tired of being sick and tired before; but then, I got clean. And then I was not sick and tired - so I started using, to feel good, not remembering what it was like to be so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I had to stop. It's sick, and tiring to say, but I think i'm addicted to being sick and tired. As Eckhart Tolle has said, (one of the few "spiritual gurus" I gain inspiration from,) the ego is addicted to suffering. How right he is, and how cruel a world we create for ourselves with ego in our time at the centerpiece of our social and personal lives.

Somehow I've learnt this is my place in the world. The world I deserve. To be downtrodden, low, under, beneath, not allowed, restricted, impaired, barred, inhibited. Struggling, infected, troubled, outcast. Throwing chemical handcuffs on my wrists so I don't hurt myself or someone else under the sheer weight of the absurdity of being human and looking at the world through these eyes.

I know I deserve better but for so long and for reasons I can't escape, I've imprinted in my mind this idea that I don't deserve peace. The clashing voices of the people in my head - my own, my family and friends, a whirlpool I can't navigate. Do you know what it's like to crave spontaneity, closeness, and deep connections, yet simultaneously being terrified at the same time? Like seeing a dance-floor and really wanting to dance but letting your fear stopping you from letting go? That's how I constantly live in every aspect - not quite in life, and not quite out of it. One foot in the door, the other outside, so I can peek in but not really be in there, and run if things get to scary.

I guess i'm terrified of being hurt in relationships the regular ways; being lied to, being cheated on, being dumped, feeling like nothing. But even more frustratingly because it's even deeper, is being appropriated. Losing myself in the relationship. Being afraid of being engulfed by the others. This schizoid dilemma. Hungry for love but terrified to eat. Self imposed exile, because i'm not deserving of food (love.) To lessen the pain, drugs. The pain is utter loneliness. Loneliness I'm only sometimes I'm aware of, because I can distract myself with temporary relievers.

I crave being invisible, but crave not to be. To be seen is to be known and to be known is to be identified, and to be identified is to be drowned... this strangling feeling...a feeling of dying. So either I can feel like i'm choking, being strangled by this irrational feeling that others want to take me over and obliterate my identity...or I can isolate myself, and become lonely, and increasingly bizarre, social skills waning, emotional growth slowing, cognitive capacity diminishing, dying, instead of living, dying, with these drugs, which only make me feel better for a little bit before I get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then, I start choking, and it's onto the drugs and into exile again.

Something to break the cycle. A shift within, probably best. From outside, maybe something drastic. Powerful Psychedelic trip in the midst of withdrawals or directly afterwards with intention and purpose rather than an aimless foray into the wonderland of psychedelic strangeness.

Humans are strange and imperfect and i'll be damned if you could find a much better example then myself - and if I sat next to you on the bus you wouldn't know. But that's probably the case for every person, from the brightest to most dim-witted - conscious to barely aware. All walking on this road, navigating toward this end, for what reason, I don't know.

its funny, cuz I say "sober life" but I am far from being completely sober. sober to me is not shooting dope daily; when I say daily, I truly mean daily, multiple shots a day. I am not one of those lucky addicts who can get by with using 1/4 a G a day, or some low dosage tolerance. I am the type that will shoot EVERYTHING in front of me and then some. at my worst I would shoot around 2-3 grams a day; again, that is me at my worst.. which was only 6 or so months back. you'd think I am happy to be over that but yet I am NOT THERE YET! the thoughts still cross my mind daily; they cross my mind to the point where I will abuse my Suboxone (bupe) just to get by. yes, I am scripted 16/MG/day but I truly only need 8MG. luckily, I have the bupe w/ me when I have these urges and will just eat 16MG to kill it rather than the usual 8MG -- do you guys/gals do this as well!?

days go by where I am somewhat happy to be SOMEWHAT sober. again, sober to me is not shooting dope. I'll still smoke weed at night to chill, take Phenibut during the day for a bit of a rush, abuse the gabapentin I am scripted and blow through a month script in 10 days, and do anything else that comes my way. hey, as long as its not dope I am OK, right? lol its at least what I tell myself.

just last week I used and felt beat down; was thinking I would go back to being a daily/full-time junkbox. but here I am a week later and I feel on top of the world thinking I have this beat and will be able to get by no problem. its the typical up's and down's of "sober life". by sober life I mean an ex junkbox trying to break the dope problem and just move on, even if that means taking bupe and whatever else comes my way to keep me away from the brown, ya know!?

if I could only feel this way ALL THE TIME! here it is on a Wednesday and I feel I have the world by the balls; although, the world has me by the balls since I still dont have a license, on problem, report in monthly, do weekly classes for a DUI, etc. so lets face it, I am far, far away from having the world by the balls. maybe in a year or so if I can stay on the RIGHT PATH and wrap up my probation and be FREE FOR ONCE! seriously, FOR ONCE I WANT TO BE FREE! I am 32yrs old and since turning 21 I have been on probation/parole/locked-up for 9 of those 11 years. pretty sick, huh!? I was only away for 1.5yrs so not too bad but the rest were per-trial, probation and parole. to think 9 out of 11yrs have been w/ the court system is fucking SICKENING! but whatever, its done now and I have to move on and wrap all this bullshit up!

hoping to get my Cinderella license within a few months; this way I can DRIVE TO WORK rather than pay a daily fee to get a ride, or take public transportation, or whatever, ya know!? seriously, everyone in this world should have their license taken from them for 6 months to a year; this way they realize how lucky they are to even have one and be able to BE ON THE ROAD! you tend to not see the benefits of having an actual license and car; you think you are just one of the millions and millions to have it, so no big deal, right? well, wait until you lose that license or car, you start to realize how lucky you ONCE had it and look forward to the day you MAY have it again.

OK, I am done.. I feel good, and I am thinking positive today, so thats a PLUS! hopefully I get this license back within a few months and I am able to transport myself once again. YAY! ha. who would have thought the day would come where I would be looking forward to getting a license again.. just like I was 16yrs old ALL OVER AGAIN!

No room for negativity in this one. It's good to be alive. Where did the shift come from? What was it that made me look at those pills and finally say from a place deep within my heart: I fucking hate you. Leave me and never come back. Was it God? Was it will? Whatever it was, I'm grateful.

Don't get me wrong, I could talk for hours about what I see is wrong with humanity - but as I said - this isn't the time for cynicism and negativity. I have feelings again. This scares me, but also fills me with a private joy. Listening to music, it's as if i'm listening with new ears.

I turned my back on so many things when lost in that fog of substances and insecurity. I'm learning to love my body. I'm eating right, bouldering (rock climbing,) sleeping well, and waking up (mostly) clear headed. Some days are better than others, but that's the swing of life.

I will not die in that hole. I will not die on my knees.

I've been using drugs of all sorts for 11 years or so and i'm still at it.

Thinking on it I realise the bad definitely outweighs the good times i've had. I'm still in the grip of addiction because i don't feel i can manage my feelings without substances.

As soon as i wake up, i take my self prescribed medications which are currently kratom and etizolam. I then head to work feeling better about myself.

Work certainly helps me in a way because my job involves helping other people and naturally that takes me out of myself. However, once work finishes i go back home and i'm by myself because i don't have a social life or friends i can talk to. I think that's what makes me feel so bad about myself, if i were busy and had friends i wouldn't have so much time to think about myself.

It's taking that first step and joining clubs or going to meetups to make friends that is difficult for me. If things don't work out like i had planned in my mind, i take back two steps back. I'm trying but i berate myself if i believe i have come across badly and people would rather not know. God, talk about being self-obsessed. Hence, i sometimes think back to 11 years ago when i did have friends and a social life and wish i could invent a time machine and go back and do things differently.

On the plus side, i do have a really supportive family and my niece who is nearly two never fails to make me smile, i love her so much.

well, where I am now vs. my first post, not much has changed. although, I am now on suboxone and have been doing MUCH BETTER w/o shooting dope.

problems are still there, tho. still have probation hanging over my head for my 2nd DUI; also have a class on Thursdays at 12 that fuck u my work schedule but my PO tells me I MUST GO! its not easy to get to a class that is about 15 mins from your house when you do NOT HAVE A FUCKING CAR! this class truly fucks up my life on Thursdays, but oh well, its my own fault, right?

hopefully come July I am able to get my license back; wont be my full time license but even my workers permit is FINE BY ME! just pray for me, peeps! I just finished the week in house DUI course/class; it wasnt bad at all. I actually had fun, believe it or not, ha. everyone in there had the same problems, same type of life, same everything, so its nice to find others who are in the same type shit you are, ya know!? even found some "junkies" in there, so I wasnt the only one.

so, yea, life isnt easy right now, but I am GETTING SOBER and not reliant on the needle daily, so that helps a fucking ton. no longer spending $100+/day on dope, waiting on the dope man, being dope sick, shitting my pants, etc. its so GREAT not to have these problems anymore. but at the same time I still think in the back of my head of using; ill even text the dope man just to say HI, lol. its NOT GOOD and ill eventually end up shooting something. I just hope after that shot I realize its NOTHING FOR ME and want NOTHING TO DO W/ IT! I almost feel like I must use again to let myself know I dont need it, ya get it?

I am far from sober; I still use "other" drugs, like benzos to sleep, here and there. I barely "abuse" them but ill take .5 or 1MG when I can sleep and it knocks me out. I do use Phenibut and Gabapentin as "fun" things to do during the day. ill also still "consider" smoking weed but dont smoke other. besides that, its just Suboxone which is saving my fucking ass; always liked this stuff so much more than Methadone or anything else; I truly feel NOTHING and no need for dope on this stuff. on Methadone I would want to use/still use almost daily, the entire time on methadone. it didnt do shit for me, man. oh well.

so, my life has NOT changed much, and I still need a lot of HELP and MONEY and things to come my way, but at the same time I am NOT USING DAILY and honestly feel "great" overall about what is being done.

one day at a time, right? well, I feel great today.. so lets see about tomorrow.

god, help me out here.. I am truly fucking LOST! have I been here beford? abso-fucking-lute-ly! I am just lost.. truly and utterly LOST, man! I want to say I have an idea on what to do, what to do, and what my best bet is from here.. but the reality is I truly dont have a fucking clue, man! I know what it will take for me to be SOBER.. but what I get from it is NOTHING.. just NOTHING, man! again, I am lost and confused w/ what is happening and what I should do next, ya know!?

tomorrow I have a 1230PM appointment w/ the methadone clinic; tonight I plan on pissing in a cup so I can bring in my dirty piss to the clinic. its sad that I need to bring dirty piss w/ me because I have a hard time pissing in a cup infront of others, so I need to bring it w/ me.. again, another SAD STORY, right? damn, why...why...and why!?!? I am just LOST, man!

the last month or so I have been broke as shit but have been staying a bit "cleaner" than usual but I dont know what else I can do, should do, what to do next, ya know!?!? I am TRYING, man.. I am FUCKING TRYING, trust me! but I dont know what else to do or what my best bet is from here!!? why, why, why, and WHY!? I truly do hope this methadone clinic works for me, man.. I HOPE IT FUCKING WORKS! whats sad is I wont even be able to tell my family because I know they would be disgusted w/ what I am doing! I dont have the balls to take off the methadone and take the pills myself.. damn, its just SAD DUDE! I dont know what else I can do.. I really DONT KNOW!

any help/words/anything is appreciated. I just need help, people.. I NEED HELP! I am TRYING here, dude! I am truly TRYING but I dont know what else to do! I dont want to be this junked out but I dont know what my best bet is otherwise, ya know!? FUCK MAN, FUCK!

well, I am done swearing for now because I dont know what else to say. if anyone has ANYTHING TO SAY, then please say WHATEVER YOU CAN! I have TRIED and TRIED and TRIED AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN! I am fucking trying.. I truly AM!

help people, help me!

funny cuz here I am THINKING I am doing much better than I once was because I am not using daily but here I am still BROKE as a motherfucker because I may not used for 2-3 days straight but then when I do I am grabbing far too much and wasting the money that I should have been saving!

its sad that money runs this world; without money there is not much you can do in life. sure, the money I once had/made throughout the past 10yrs was spent on drugs/alcohol/court and other problems of mine; all problems I brought upon myself, but due to these problems I never have a fucking dollar to do a thing a NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO! can I take a chick on a date!? unfortunately not at the moment because I cannot afford to. I am not even paying my cell phone bill this month because I need all the money that is in my bank account till the 1st, which is when I will get paid again. once I am paid I will pay off my MISSED BILLS and rent IMMEDIATELY! so right there I spend a good portion of the check and it leaves me in a tough bind because I only get paid monthly.

I hear/see these people going on vacations, buying a house (I rent, obv.. luckily I can even do that) and many others things that involve cash; here I am w/ NOTHING, but yet spending $100+ a day to get high at times, along w/ my $ that I spent on Uber, which drives me everywhere because I currently do not have a license due to a DUI! also pay court fee's, classes for the DUI and many other charges which come to over $150+/mo. sure, the dope is $100/day but that $150/mo is another thing that hurts me, along w/ my Suboxone Dr. visit which is another $140/mo and many other bills that center around my addiction problems and criminal type lifestyle. damn, its just fucking sad. hopefully I will be OFF PROBATION IN 1 year from now and I will be ABLE TO LIVE AGAIN, FREE, and HOPEFULLY, once again, kick this RAGING FUCKING DOPE HABIT, man.

I dont know, I just had to write something up as I sit here at work, somewhat miserable, thinking about my life and how I fucked it up to the point where I dont know what to do next. I am just HOPING I am able to straighten out and get things back in order; esp. this HEROIN FUCKING PROBLEM which I still abuse even tho I take Suboxone and I am able to go 3-4 days and feel great but yet still call the dope man and ask for it. makes no sense to me, but I still do it.. oh well, I need to fix that.

OK, bye-bye.

Nevermind.

Magnesium Cures Migraines
So magnesium will cure migraines because migraines are caused by NMDA receptors switching back and forth between two adjacent energy levels rapidly (called quick-switching) which causes pain in people disposed to migraines and the magnesium will cause the energy level to either rise or fall gradually and then the reverse gradually, which keeps you from quick-switching, but you need absolutely mega-doses of magnesium daily to accomplish this, which will be safe because of the swift elimination rate of excess electrolytes in healthy people.
One of the main assumptions is that migraine sufferers have a malfunction in their NMDA receptors that does one or both of the following: 1) causes quick-switching activity, and 2) causes pain from quick-switching activity. Magnesium will help most migraine sufferers if they can get it into their blood, preferably through good absorption through digestive tracks but daily injections or a patch seem a reasonable treatment to prevent suffering.
We can help all migraine sufferers, however it is more complicated. If this simple treatment doesn't cure your migraines, it means that your NMDA gates have additional energy levels that are damaged, and that basically means that you will incur additional quick-switching activity at additional energy levels. So this means that as the magnesium makes your energy levels rise or fall, some of the risen or fallen energy levels will error and cause quick-switching between their adjacent levels. In one more sentence, folks not aided by the simple magnesium course suffer poor energy level switching at multiple places.
Therefore, to save these people, we will have to put their NMDA gates at a specific energy level. I am unaware of any drugs or substance that currently does this. So the only choice is to find a cocktail and schedule of substance that will hold their brain at specific energy levels.
But that's unspecific. We can do better.
If we can buffer against the effect of the magnesium, we can hold the energy level of the NMDA receptors at a specific energy level. The first place I'd suggest to look for such a buffer would be the opposite of magnesium, though I practiced no rigor to reach that conclusion.
But yes, yes, how can an element have an opposite? The electron surface of magnesium is well-defined and tiny, but that's not really the case for aqueous magnesium. The solution of the brain combines with the magnesium to create effective electron activity of a different shape than pure magnesium. I'm saying elements can be effectively mapped as drugs in aqueous solution.
So the shape of the effective molecule can be deduced or maybe even observed, or possibly figured out with an adept of chemsketch. Then we can apply pharmacological principles to deduce a buffer, eventually, and fix migraines, though the migraine sufferer would be taking pills all day, or maybe a patch?

No, it seems to be true, and it's wrong.

Women younger than me hav Ben getting scripts they don't need for years(I know- they would either give(*) them to me, or binge.

And yet I know a certain man, who had to lose 30 pounds, and become semi-catatonic, and try other treatments first, before finally the docs threw in the towel and said "he needs benzo's, likely for life".

Even when men get them, it tend to be lower doses for more severe conditions.

I thought this would be sexist at first, but there is a pattern.

On a whole, maybe it can be explained(or at least partially) by women being more likely to have anxiety disorders(of certain types only- things like PD and others effect both sexes about equally$

But anecdotally, a female seems to have no problem getting them.

Perfect example: I know a certain female, 40, but youthful and looks good, has had over 150mg of clonazepam written over the last few months by doctors, along with a couple of different diazepam and Xanax scripts.

Has any man ever pulled that off???

I want them all to be graded by PCGS, they will have great value just because they were mine and a big piece of history. I want all proceeds to go to charitable causes for all animals, not just humans (but they need lots of help), and maybe more importantly, to raise money to create alternative energy sources to help save Earth and all of its inhabitants. I need to make arrangements with a lawyer in the morning to make sure this goes as it should. All for good causes, not sure exactly which ones they'll go to.

And when my body dies, I think it will be quite useful to science. I won't be taking it with me when I am beamed back up. %)

Maybe I should sign all my names in all the Bibles in my house and to other books as well, those would be valuable!

I am Conspiracy of John! Prophet of God, God is a woman, Praise Fe!

I am the whale of knowledge, love child of PLUR and logic!

Constantly thinking.
Even though I'm sitting in complete silence on my lunch break, my mind won't shut the fuck up.
Random thoughts of a fucked up girl...
Sick of drinking...my tolerance is outta this world.
I wanted to blow you last weekend..it's my favorite.
Sick of fucking dieting. I'm honest w you already...quit trying to ring something outta me.
I saw where u looked up an ex fuck....Ugh...
Will I ever be truly happy my body?
What's wrong w me?
Sex.
Sex.
Sex.
Hope I get to sleep tomorrow.
Why is it so hard for me to cum sometimes?
I love making out.
Why? Why?
Will I ever be done w fucking nursing school?
You're so fuckin fun.
I masturbated in your bed when u both went to work that morning...and took pictures of myself in your bed...
I can never get enough baby.

Constantly thinking.
Even though I'm sitting in complete silence on my lunch break, my mind won't shut the fuck up.
Random thoughts of a fucked up girl...
Sick of drinking...my tolerance is outta this world.
I wanted to blow you last weekend..it's my favorite.
Sick of fucking dieting. I'm honest w you already...quit trying to ring something outta me.
I saw where u looked up an ex fuck....Ugh...
Will I ever be truly happy my body?
What's wrong w me?
Sex.
Sex.
Sex.
Hope I get to sleep tomorrow.
Why is it so hard for me to cum sometimes?
I love making out.
Why? Why?
Will I ever be done w fucking nursing school?
You're so fuckin fun.
I masturbated in your bed when u both went to work that morning...and took pictures of myself in your bed...
I can never get enough baby.

Constantly thinking.
Even though I'm sitting in complete silence on my lunch break, my mind won't shut the fuck up.
Random thoughts of a fucked up girl...
Sick of drinking...my tolerance is outta this world.
I wanted to blow you last weekend..it's my favorite.
Sick of fucking dieting. I'm honest w you already...quit trying to ring something outta me.
I saw where u looked up an ex fuck....Ugh...
Will I ever be truly happy my body?
What's wrong w me?
Sex.
Sex.
Sex.
Hope I get to sleep tomorrow.
Why is it so hard for me to cum sometimes?
I love making out.
Why? Why?
Will I ever be done w fucking nursing school?
You're so fuckin fun.
I masturbated in your bed when u both went to work that morning...and took pictures of myself in your bed...
I can never get enough baby.

Constantly thinking.
Even though I'm sitting in complete silence on my lunch break, my mind won't shut the fuck up.
Random thoughts of a fucked up girl...
Sick of drinking...my tolerance is outta this world.
I wanted to blow you last weekend..it's my favorite.
Sick of fucking dieting. I'm honest w you already...quit trying to ring something outta me.
I saw where u looked up an ex fuck....Ugh...
Will I ever be truly happy my body?
What's wrong w me?
Sex.
Sex.
Sex.
Hope I get to sleep tomorrow.
Why is it so hard for me to cum sometimes?
I love making out.
Why? Why?
Will I ever be done w fucking nursing school?
You're so fuckin fun.
I masturbated in your bed when u both went to work that morning...and took pictures of myself in your bed...
I can never get enough baby.

Here it is almost midnight. I have been searching for my sweet spot. To me my sweet spot is where I am numb enough to not care to not feel yet still be able to semi-function.

Let me begin by telling you a little bit about my evening.


It's almost 4th of July and I am scared. The fire crackers sound like gun shots. And that sound takes me back to the night when I watched someone I cared about, someone I had known for over twenty years put a gun to his head and pull the trigger. That sound haunts me every day. It is as vivid to me as the day it happened. The blood the smell.the sound. So vivid.

I decide to confront the 4th of July issue a bit. To push my boundaries to push my limits.

I go and sit on the balcony of my apartments and listen to the firecrackers and the whistling kitty chasers and what not. The air smells to me of gunpowder. I can still smell it to.this day.

So I sit and I listen and the ones that are closest make me jump. I invite the fear and the memories in. I do my best to slow my breathing and let them come and pass through me and then gently leave taking with them Some of the pain and the fear.

It works for a few minutes but them my mind starts to stray. It strays back to my fondest memory ( posted in another section of "my.blog" )

Please allow me to backtrack bit. Starting at two this afternoon I started taking 400 mg of gabapentin, 1 dose every hour till 9 pm. If my calculations are right that's 7 doses of 400 mg.for a total of 2800 mg. I am in no shape right now to do calculations as you will see due to my pursuit of that fn sweet spot. For me 2800 mg is a high dose as I'm only prescribed 400 mg one time a day. And I have only been "over using" the gabapentin for a couple of months now.

So back to my story. I am craving so much my long lost friend. That liquor created teddy bear. I feel I need him tonight. I want him to hold me tight and make me feel safe. The urge swells from a gentle nudging to an all out urgent pushing. Pushing me towards the cupboard were my only bottle of liquor is. I take the bottle down (a bottle of coconut rum) the memory calls to me. The memory of the old days years ago where I had perfected that sweet spot of being beautifully numb, painfully numb. I look at the bottle and say to myself " fuck this shit" and I swallow several times and I feel the burn and I remember. My teddy bear is almost within reach. For me when I chug liquor it gives me the shivers as if I had chewed up aspirin. I wait ten minutes and swallow several more times and now I can feel my teddy bears arms around me holding me. Telling me everything is gonna be alright. Again the pattern repeats I take several more swallows just to make sure that I will be ok till the morning. And I know all too well that when I wake reality will come rushing back.

So now here I sit in a world of shit. The bottle of rum is empty. The bottle of gabapentin is now empty. Hell my pack of cigarettes is empty. And my life is empty and everything is ok now thanks to my old friend. That liquor created teddy bear. I found my sweet spot again. And I love it and I hate it. I hate it so much because it is not natural it is not real. And I love it so much because right now I don't give a fuck. I constantly crAve a life without fear a life without anxiety a life where I feel safe and accepted and loved. And I so desperately want to get that from a natural way without the influence of drugs and alcohol.

So here I am beautifully numb and painfully numb and I love it and I hate it.

I hope this makes some sort of sense because honestly right now I'm buzzing like a mother fucker. And I apologize but I curse really bad when I've been drinking. And I really really want a cigarette right now.

P.s. --- I wrote this whole thing on my phone with one eye closed so that I could see the letters. And again I hope it makes some sort of sense. It will be interesting to read it on the morning

So after a bit me and my liquor teddy bear will cuddle up in bed together and hopefully he will gently softly rock me to sleep.

"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear"

To be continued.......

That night ... That one night and Afew more after that....

The end of summer. Still have the windows down and u can feel the breeze run through the car carrying smells of ppl bbqing as u drive a normal drive for the most part.... Uve jus had like 3 or 4 days clean. U can never go longer then 4 days. U jus finnished work, cash in hand and dealers number on dial..... So ur gonna pick up?!?

Yea really? Again? Yea I guess, fuck it. So u do ur thing which u have done many times before This time is different. Ur almost home driving from work, dealers, something to eat(with the few dollars u have left to ur name for that day) then home. Ur almost home. It's getting harder to stay awake and then there it is.... Ur awaken to mid seconds before u crash into a tree... There goes that car. Thank god ur not hurt and u didn't kill anyone...

New ride new time later... Again, u are 3 or 4 days sober and then payday.... Fuck it u say. U pick up. Ur driving on a highway in traffic and there u go again... U wake up to jus the ever so gental tap of the car infront of u... "Fuck". U realize u fell asleep and ur foot came off the break and u hit the car infront of u.... U guys pull over, they call the police and thank god u don't get a ticket bc there is little to no damage. U leave. U get back on the SAME road and do the SAME shit literally minutes later!!!!! Pullover again but this time there is no damage to the other car, he's nice and doesn't call the police

Now the fucked up part.... Ur car insurance is renewed..... Guess how much it is now?!?!?!? FUCKIn DOUBLE

All bc u do drugs. Do drugs while driving at that!

Good fuckin job

People ask me how I keep my marriage fresh....
Let me just say, variety really is the spice of life.

I thought I really had found our couple. Crazy about the girl, Keri, and also very hot for the guy, Kris. Things seem to be off lately. ..I feel as if we are a couple, as in all four of us....but recently it seems as if it's fading. Like we are old news. Keri/Kris came by last week after dinner and drinks and we stayed up late and played poker...I enjoyed myself. My Hubs had to be up early for work and a business trip so we decided to call it a night and they just seemed pissy about it...don't get me wrong I'm a nymphomaniac I truly believe...but we want more than sex from them. So that upset me.

Kris never texts me. I always initiate. Is it me? Is it Keri not wanting him to talk to me? Keri thinks my Hubs hates her...ugh...it's not true, if he didn't aggravate her in a joking way then he wouldn't like her.

There's a new potential couple they could be potentially hanging out w that I thought Kris disliked...I think he's using him to get w his girl. Ugh...Yes I'm jealous. Maybe a pity party for myself?

Anyways....I went over there last Saturday night and we fucked.
As in me, Kris, and Keri. Hubs was out of town. This is the second time...that during the threesome,Keri freaks out. Goes to the bathroom, just lays there and says finish to Kris, I've already came. Ugh....does she have reservations about him fucking me? Puts me in a awkward position...like I'm thinkin should I leave? But can't bc I live an hour and a half a away, and I'm too drunk. Ugh...and it's like he's not allowed to fuck me to orgasm, he has to switch to her, or jerk himself off. And both our husbands work together, and everyone basically knows we all fuck each other,and I don't care, but for some reason I'm given a mysterious name...that I'm Keri's girlfriend "Amy." Ugh....are they embarrassed of me. My weight has fluctuated so much...maybe I'm unattractive now?

I just feel like we are fading. It hurts. Nothing good can ever last for me it seems. The sex w them is incredible though...besides those Keri freak out moments. I even let her fuck my husband w Kris a couple of weeks ago in my bed while I was drunk outside, bc it's one of her fantasies. I thought it was hot knowing what was happening in my bedroom. I feel as if the roles w reversed..she would jump in her car and leave. Sigh.....

Please let this just be a lull in our relationship, bc I feel a little used. In a bad way.

I hesitate for a moment to sit down where I stand but look around, look up, pat my own ass for reasons unknown and have a rest nonetheless. The sand is not dry but not too wet and I sink comfortably into it, lay back and flop my whole body down looking up. Fuck it. The air tastes good and the sound of the waves on the incoming tide is soothing and there's nobody around, no people, no cars, no lights and if I just stare up, regulate my breathing and clear my mind, the sky is clear and the stars are visible and illuminated and I can imagine my existence as something else entirely. Something I can never understand.

"We're like those two old men. Those two old men from that play."

I think about thinking and try thinking about nothing and neither feels better or worse. This is what the drugs are for.

"Those two old homeless bums who waste their whole life debating nonsense."

Estragon.

"Who?"

Estragon and Vladimir.

"We'll be doing this shit until we die, talking and talking and talking shit and never doing anything about anything!"

I do enough.

"But it's not!"

It works for me.

"Nothing ever changes."

I think about the water and what is going on in there right now that I can never see. Life and death and birth and fucking and eating and hunting and feasting and killing and nonsense. Big fish, little fish, bigger fish. What do they do and what is their purpose and are they afraid of anything, ever? Not an instinctual, automatic response to danger but fear. Honest to god fear of what's happening on the land, whose doing what, fucking and eating and hunting and feasting and killing and shit. Do they question their life and their god?

I wish on a star that mermaids were real, that something imaginary, mythological, impossible would crawl slowly from the surf and stand upright, breath, howl, moan, shout something I don't understand and look me in the eyes, hungrily, violently. Blow my mind wide open.

"Fifty years from now, it will be just like this."

Not for me.

"Especially for you. More so for you. This is all about you."

If I fall asleep and I don't move and I don't become afraid and don't react at all, could I allow myself to drown in the surf? If i'm ready for it, expecting it. Properly prepared. Will I still have an instinctual response I can't control and run away instead? Could I let it carry me from the sand into the dark abyss so I can see once and for all what everybody is doing down there, out there, all the way to the most desolate and lonely, deepest fucking chasm. The fish and the non fish and the creatures I know nothing about. Everybody moving on without me, living their lives and surviving or not, going on, moving forward, onward and upward, unaware, unafraid.

I don't hesitate to stand and don't think about my decision to dig, begin digging with my hands. The sand is soft enough that I don't require tools and I dig and I scrape and I poke my fingers into the wetness and pull handfuls and handfuls of granules and grit and minerals and pebbles and marbles like things on my mind. A few feet down the sand gets harder and I loosen it with a rock. I bash and I poke and I scrape and I dig. My finger tips hurting now from scraping and scraping and scraping but I pull, more handfuls of sand, more and more and more and I dig deep and wide, keep digging until I can fit, my legs and my arms and my torso and I climb in, reach toward the pile and pull the sand back into the hole, onto my legs and my torso and with one arm I bury the other.

“You'll scream.”

I suppose that's just how it is.

“I won't save you.”

Derelict. Six days at the bottom of the ocean. Water flowing underground. Same as it ever was.

To any one who reads this if this is considered glorifying drug use or goes against the user agreement please let me know and I will be happy to edit or whatever is necessary to comply with the rules.

I am sitting here at 2:30 in the morning high yet again off Neurontin after yet another day of doing absolutely nothing and as usual my mind is all over this place and this memory popped into my head.

8 years ago......

My husband has gone to bed and I am left to stay up and finish the laundry even though I have to get up just as early as him for work.

I begin my usual nightly routine. I swallow 2 or 3 Percocet and go downstairs to the den where the liquor is. There are several bottles lining the shelves and I pick the one that is the fullest. I do not care if it's vodka, tequila, or whiskey. I don't care how it tastes or if it makes me gag. I take 5 or 6 swallows of whatever it is. (I do remember the vanilla vodka though and remember I loved the taste. And as I talk about this I am really craving it again)

I start a load of laundry. Pick up the bottle again and take a few swallows then the bottle and I cuddle up on the couch in the den and watch the tv. The warmth is starting to spread and combined with the Percocet I'm starting to feel that all too familiar soft fuzzy feeling in the center of my body. I swallow some more of my liquid friend and go to the garage for a cigarette.

I repeat this pattern again. Liquor, load of laundry, liquor, tv, and more liquor.

By now I am completely numb. Physically numb, mentally numb, and emotionally numb. Completely numb almost painfully numb and I liked it.

I suppose a good anology (I don't know if that's the right word or even if I spelled it right) a good anology would be when I was a little girl and hug my stuffed bear tight as I slept and I felt safe. Only this time it was like the stuffed bear was holding my tight from the inside out. Making me feel safe, accepted and loved.

This is where the fondest and saddest memory begins.

It is around midnight by now. I go out to the garage for another cigarette. I open the door to the backyard and stand in the doorway watching the smoke drift up and away into the sky. It was the middle of winter and there had been a bad ice and snow storm the day before.

The backyard is covered in snow that is covered in the most beautiful ice crystals I've ever seen. The full moon bounces off the ice and illuminates every thing. The naked trees are covered in that same beautiful ice. The neighborhood is completely quiet and it's just me and my liquor created teddy bear.

There is no one critisizing me, making me feel worthless. There is only this feeling of being completely numb to all by bad feelings and the innocent pureness of the white snow and beautiful ice.

I stand there in the door way in nothing but a shortsleeved shirt, a pair of jeans, and a pair of flip flops. I feel so warm and safe and accepted. I stand there and smoke cigarette after cigarette and bask in the warm glow of numbness.

After the last load of laundry was put in the dryer I climb into bed and lay my head on the pillow. My head is spinning and I have a smile on my face. I hold on tight to that liquor induced teddy bear.

This was my routine for 6 months every night. This is one of my fondest memories and I still crave that feeling So much even 8 years later and it scares me that it is as such.

What does it mean?

To be continued.....

Don't give out your real phone number. Use a texting application.

Don't use your real email. Use one that is not connected to you in any way. Make a new one from Google or Yahoo. I prefer Yahoo so I can log out.


Don't check your mail on a PC if you forget to log out your in trouble.


Don't put your name on the email account you are using.


Root your phone so you have more control over hiding apps that you use

If you do not approve of my lifestyle then don't torture yourself by continuing to read my blog. I'm not asking for your opinion. Nor do I want it. So go be righteous somewhere else.

Most say I'm fucked up. I find sluts on Craigslist and fuck them. These women want it or they wouldn't be making themselves available. I'm in a sexless marriage that looks so happy to everyone else. A wife that will do everything I ask and need, except want to be intimate with me. A commitment to a marriage, but a yearning for more, a voice challenging me not to accept my life on someone else's undiscussed, unsatisfactory terms.


I know the answer is simple for many people: "get a divorce and move on" or "that's why it's called a 'vow' - you promise to stick it out thru anything".


But reality isn't always so simple. Or it seems more complicated when the turmoil is in your own heart and head.


I work hard I don't feel I should have to give up my life as I know it just because my wife has gone through menopause and is not interested in sex anymore.


So I cheat. This blog is not for haters, it's not for amateur psychologist. It's for people that cheat or want cheat and get away with it.