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I am not sure how fast I should taper off Suboxone after doing 800-1000 mgs of oxy every single day for almost 14 months.
I like the anti-depressant qualities of bupe, but I also know i can get by , just fine, with much less than the 4 8mg pills a day they prescribed me this first week.

My experience so far ( i had been on bupe once in july for two ro three weeks) yesterday was my first regular dosage, last opiates were Monday at noon, waited to 7pm the next night, Tuesday, to take my first 12mgs of 1.5 pills, right at the intake center while waiting to get processed, I also got talked into rehab. I had four 8mg stashed for emergencies . , so i did one more 8mg the next morning at the rehab...(the only one they were gonna give me that day, and were gonna do two days at 8mg a day, 2 days at 6, 2 days at 4, and like that until down to half a mg in two weeks. I decided that wasn't gonna work, why suffer slowly for two weeks, only to go thru three more days of withdrawal, even if they were somewhat milder, after doing all that for two weeks?
Didn't sleep all night....then I checked out of this nuthouse the next day, and did another two 8mgs that Wednesday night when I finally got out. Thursday i did three, and today did four.

Doc said to stay at the 32 mg dose to stabilize the first week and see how you feel. I feel fine. The xanax and the couple of bowls helped the transition "go down slow".

How soon do people usually taper off, if they taper of bupe at all? My cousin has been on it for two years, probably takes a 4mg everyday or every two days once in a while.

Curious as to anyone's experience who successfully tapered of Suboxone and stayed clean. At least for a while.

Thanks in Advance. [email protected]
I met Drusilla more than 2 years ago at a Paris Fashion Week party. A fashion house had presented a show of their new line of haute couture earlier that day at the Sorbonne, the medical campus where I work, and some of us who worked there were invited to a party with the fashion people to be held there that night.

I don’t know why I was invited. I don’t look like somebody who cares about the fashion industry. For that matter, I didn’t look like most scientists with their Homer Sympson Bubble Butt Dockers pants, patterned button down shirt with a pocket protector, and big belly.

I put on a white shirt that fit and a sport coat I had bought at a thrift store because I try to avoid supporting Consumer Culture, including buying the latest style of suit sold by the sponsors of the party. I wore a Stetson hat from the desert ranch and motorcycle boots because I didn’t have dress shoes. I wore the coat I had recently found next to the corpse of a stew bum who had died from cold the night before. It was a nice coat, and I had it cleaned to kill the fleas and lice.

The party was crowded. A DJ was responsible for the music. Several bars had been set up in the colonnade around the courtyard, and staff carried trays of drinks and hors d'oeuvres.

All around were people who worked in fashion: buyers, designers, artists, models, and staff for the event, as well as some people who worked in my building. Everyone was dressed elegantly. Men wore suits or sport coats and women wore dresses and high heels. A few people were dressed like freaks, so I didn’t feel extremely out of place.

It was a refreshing change from the American culture I had just fled. The people had an air of culture and sophistication that I had rarely seen in the US. No matter where you go, one finds some people who are pretentious, but I didn’t pick up a lot of attitude that night, despite the fact that the party was associated with an industry that bases itself completely on external appearances.

I wandered for a few minutes without seeing anybody I knew. I said “hello” to a few strangers. Most people I talked to were friendly and polite. Up to this point, I had liked France, and I was happy to discover another good thing good about French culture. Had it taken place in Los Angeles and been attended by Americans, I doubt that I would have been permitted to enter. If I had, nobody would have deigned to speak to me, as has been the case in the past.

For a moment, I recollected the last American parties I had known, usually keggers or drum circle parties. Usually, when I tried to talk to someone, their response was, “Who the fsck are you, and why are you speaking to me?” That was the males. The American Women at the same venues made the men seem polite. The instant she realised I was speaking to her, the American Woman had an expression on her face as though she couldn’t wait to scrape the dog crap off her shoes that she had just stepped in. Her comment that went along with the face was something along the lines of - “you’re not fit to polish my tiara, go fsck yourself.” That was when she acknowledged me at all. I understand where civil rights leader Eldridge Cleaver was coming from when he talked about the American Woman in his book “Soul on Ice.”

Americans of my generation say “like” at least once in every sentence. Adolescents say it even more frequently. Maybe their vocabulary is so limited that “like” is the only word they have to express most thoughts. Worse, the “creaky girl” speech affectation has spread across America like a plague.

Half the people looked college age. How smart they sounded compared to Americans of the same age. I hadn’t heard a single “like” among the English speakers and nothing similar among the French. There was no “creaky girl” either.
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In my childish ideal of love, marriage is a sacred bond, and it is the most special kind of relationship that can exist between two people. It is more important than the relationship with parents or children, even when those relationships are good. Nobody chooses their parents or their children. We are stuck with blood relatives, the good along with the bad, until they die or until we cut them out of our lives. But we choose our mate, and many go through extremes of searching and suffering before we finally find one, especially in countries where long term relationships are out of style. Anything that takes so much time and effort to make happen is to be cherished.

Marriage/partnership is faithful, dedicated, and lifelong. You respect and treat the other better than yourself. You put the other’s needs before your own. You don’t do things that hurt the other. You work out your problems and make the effort to strengthen the relationship rather than throw it away like a MacDonalds hamburger wrapper. You stick with her exclusively. One of the big rules is that you don’t have affairs or cheat.

In 2011, Neilsen Corp, an agency that collects data on American TV viewership, nearly 200 million Americans (about half the population) watched NFL football in 2011, and that figure is unlikely to have changed since then. Just as televised football viewing is a national pastime in the US, adultery is a national pastime in France. Nearly half of married French people have had at least one affair. It is significantly lower in the US. Adultery is so common that there is an unspoken assumption that cheating will happen, and both husband and wife are equally likely to cheat. No gender is the exclusive victim.

In France, there is an important rule to follow in maintaining an unfaithful marriage: one must be discreet. Adulterers keep the affair secret. They don’t let their partner know because that knowledge what would hurt him or her. Of course, they do not want a divorce either.

To those who indulge, extra-marital affairs are seen as necessary to keep the marriage alive. Maybe there is truth to this viewpoint - the national divorce rate is actually much less than that of the US, but it leaves me wondering what is the point of getting married if you have to sleep with other people to sustain a marriage with your first choice into old age.

Affairs aren’t so common in the US, especially not since my generation is for a large part opting out of marriage. Affairs sound creepy. They reek of the sleaze of the1970s and the self-indulgent pastimes of the Baby Boomers. They evoke images of swingers, wife-swapping, leisure suits, disco, scenes of the cuckolded husband coming home unexpectedly early from work to find some hairy mustache dude in bed with his wife. I can’t imagine there is any love in an affair. Maybe it is cheaper than prostitution. Like watching televised football, it’s shallow entertainment.

Despite all of that, I still believe life would be more enjoyable if it were spent with the right companion. I have a romantic image of growing old with her.
I see that I’m not the only one having bad dreams. My hunch is that it isn’t always bad to have them. Whenever I’ve gone through long stretches where I dream of nothing but rainbows, unicorns, and happy clouds, my life is stagnant. With that in mind, assuming you’re not in the middle of a war or something horrible, turbulent dreams can be a good sign indicating great changes and growth.

Yesterday, I meditated. I’ve been doing a daily meditation practice for a while. The room was dark and my eyes closed. A pure black spot formed amidst the fiery clouds, webs, Buddhas, geometric primitives, mandalas, and exploding lights that had been displayed behind my eyelids. At first, it was tiny spot, maybe the size of a drop of black ink. It grew, like black oil spreading across water. Its blackness absorbed the sketchy images and inchoate scenes that had been around it. It grew until it covered most of my visual field, and then it stabilized. It now looked like a blacked out window.

The black window opened to reveal a lively scene in another room. it was like spying through a window into somebody’s house.

A woman was walking down a stairway which opened into a living room. I watched her walk. Her movement down the stairs was smooth and graceful, as though she had trained to descend stairs with a stack of books balanced on her head at a ballet academy. Her face was exotic, like that of a mythological Aztec deity. Her hair was black. Her dress was woven with phosphorescent red, green, and brown geometric patterns.

Suddenly, she stopped, turned to face me, and her eyes looked directly into mine. There was recognition in her eyes. She knew I could see her. She smiled. There was a mischievous look in her eyes. It was a look like what someone gives you when they catch you looking at them when you didn’t think they could see you, and they think it's funny or a game, and your surprise amuses them.

“I can see you sitting there looking at me.” She laughed and stepped forward as though to try to climb through the window into the room where I was meditating. I felt her in my room in my flat with me. It was a realistic and convincing feeling of presence like when someone is next to you.

I got up and searched my flat thinking someone had quietly come in while I was meditating.

Yesterday, I went out late to a café to have a glass of wine with my girlfriend. It was 2 am, and a Gypsy beggar man and a little girl, perhaps 5, walked past us and asked for money.

“No money.”

They left.

Later that night after we went to bed, i dreamed about the gypsies. The beggar man held the little girl captive in a hovel. He had kidnapped her or bought her from a child trafficking ring and used her as a begging prop.

I was also a captive. I was a little kid. He and his band of gypsies caught us and smuggled us to his house which was in a remote part of Mexico. Also captive was my secret swimsuit model girlfriend Krana Maria. Krana Maria was a girl I was with for three or four months. I can’t remember if I wrote about Krana Maria. I didn't want to sound like I was bragging, but it was the first time in my life when I had finally begun to have a love life. Now that I was in a country where the women would not treat me like shit but actually wanted to spend time with me, I was a bit overwhelmed. Also, I was in a fragile mental state at the time, and it was hard to write about her. She was one of the girls I met at the Paris Fashion Week parties I used to go to.

The little girl became Krana Maria. She was now her own age in real life, 23, and I was my real age. The gypsy slaver had marked Krana on the inside of her wrist with a scar. It was a jagged circular scar like a stigmata. The location was the wrist, the place the Romans put the nail during crucifixion. It was a mark of ownership.

Krana Maria and I were in love, boyfriend and girlfriend. It felt exactly how it had felt in real life. I couldn’t stand to see him treat her this way. The storyline of the dream changed. We were no longer captives, but were to be initiated into an outlaw motorcycle gang. We would live a life together, having adventures with an outlaw gypsy motorcycle gang in Mexico

The scars on the wrist represented membership or belonging to the gang. To get the mark, Krana Maria and I had to run the gauntlet on a motorcycle. Once we successfully ran through the gauntlet, someone put a spike through our wrists and then removed it. It was quick and didn’t hurt. We had matching jagged stigmata scars, the scars forming finger-sized rings, like wedding bands, running through our wrists.
Well thats just great. I have hashimotos disease.

Stupid damn thyroid!


Useless glandular lump if shit


Explains a few things though.
I get scared sometimes that drugs might really become hard to obtain. Like right now I can get so many different drugs. It's great. But if they take them away I wouldnt be able to cope with life. It would be horrible. I don't use as much as I used too but the fact that it's still an option brings me comfort.

So thank god there are people willing to risk there freedom and lives to supply drugs to the US. I hope you all get rich and stay safe.
those fuckers convinced me to throw away all my phone numbers, now i've completed the program and i'm in a worse fucking situation then I was when I went in there... sick as fuck an noway to feel normal... living in pdx you'd think things would be a breeze but I'm a seemingly 'upstanding' member of society in that I live in a tiny fucking studio - nobody will even talk to me. So I sit around going crazy like a motherfucker 24/7 and eat xanax when my doc is kind enough to give it to me - thanks buddy, 30 four hour periods where I can feel like half a normal person... shit lot of that does me. Sure I can find some white, but that shit ain't for me anymore - not to mention I can't fuckin afford it... and of course they won't let you into a methadone program if you're not currently using - what a crock of shit. I basically have to go out and get strung out again just to get help ? the system is jacked up... if anyone is in pdx and wants to chat shoot me a message - could really use some support just to talk....
The other day as I woke up, I became aware that before me was a city under a night sky. It was built on the end of a rugged peninsula that extended into a large a lake. It was compact like an ancient city. Its skyline was of towers, domed buildings, temples, spires, and palaces. A tower taller than the others rose from a hilltop near where the peninsula connected with the mainland.

A large, orange moon gave the city and the mountains around it a reddish color. Moonlight reflected off the golden roofs of some of the buildings. The surf breaking against the cliffs below the city shined in the light. A second moon, smaller and dimmer than the first, was silvery blue. It was higher in the sky.

On the opposite shore of the lake, perhaps thirty miles away from the city, mountains reached to the stars. In the distance, all around, were huge mountains, faintly visible in the distance. Then, I noticed something strange, and I looked at the larger moon again. It was not high, maybe 15 degrees altitude, and it was in front of twin mountain spires. That is a weird optical illusion.

If I study the scene long enough, I will remember it, and then I can try to draw it when I wake. If I relax, I can go deeper into dream sleep and merge into this world. That city and its inhabitants have a story, and I want to write it.

I relaxed. Ground solidified under where I lay. Around me, grass moved in a breeze. I heard surf breaking far away. The stars were bright despite the light of the two moons. Neither one was full. I know all of the constellations of the earth sky, but I did not recognise any star formations in this sky. Instead of the Milky Way being overhead, a dense, globular galaxy occupied a third of the sky.

Then my girlfriend, who had been sleeping beside me, touched me. I awoke fully, and the dream faded. It was 6 am, and she was getting up for work. I could stay in bed another hour while she spent that hour in the bathroom doing female things. Then I would have to get up for work too. She left, and I tried to go back to sleep and find the dream again. I could hear the shower followed by an electric hair dryer. It was too late. I got up to start my day in an ordinary world. I made coffee and started making breakfast for us.

I read the Hobbit in 5th grade. At that age, I half believed the author, a linguist who had translated Norse sagas, had discovered a manuscript and that it came from another world. It was the first book I read that made me want to write my own story, so I started writing a quasi-medieval fantasy novel. It had a plot outline, characters, and some scenes.

I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt like the world was against me. I lived in a TV household that believed creativity was queer. I didn’t have privacy. I wrote everything in code, like someone who is being watched. It was a 30 letter alphabet I had made up. It looked vaguely like Sanskrit. Some of the letters were from languages I had seen in books in dreams.

I stopped writing when I went to college. I had an engineering scholarship and needed to spend my time getting good grades to keep my funding. After college, I never went back to that fantasy novel. By then I had realised that, like 1000s of other novels inspired by that author, my story was a ripoff of Tolkien and Nordic mythology, and I was no longer enthusiastic about it.

In France, there is none of this 70-80_hours_a_week_in_the_lab/office_or_you’re_fired like in the US. The work-week is 35 hours. Since coming here, I’ve had time to have a more balanced life. I’m doing yoga every day again and running. I’ve also been doing things that interest me mentally including writing.

I’ve been working on a science fiction novel. I only get to spend a little time on it each day, but after a couple of years, I’ve made progress. So far, I have an outline, and most most chapters are filled in sketchy rough draft form. Some professional authors finish two or three novels a year, so I feel like I’m going too slow.

Good stories transport the reader to another world. The Hobbit did that. Sadly, most books fail to do that. The worst kind is the postmodernist novel which plagues bookstores today. These books are written in the form of the “disembodied voice.” They are dialogue only, and by definition, they reject the structure of the novel and do away with plot, setting, and everything that makes reading enjoyable. Postmodernist novels are unreadable. I’m thinking specifically of Gravity’s Rainbow, and I’m sorry I wasted four hours on it recently.

My background is neuroscience, and I mix that into my story, giving it some hard science and psychology. For atmosphere, I write while I sit in scenic and visually stimulating places, and I try to verbally sketch what I see into the story. I listen to conversations, trying to capture the flow of speech without bogging down the story with chatter. I don’t fill it with 500 pages of fart jokes or boast about the sexual prowess of the main character. I’m thinking of Gravity Rainbow again.

Plot is the hardest part. I’m not sitting here writing some L. Ron Hubbard (invented Scientology) Space Opera (science fiction version of television Soap Opera). He got rich, but one should not stoop so low for money.

Science fiction is about made-up events and has no basis in reality, otherwise it would be called general fiction. At the same time, it has to be realistic enough for the reader to visualise it and to be transported into its world.

Hemingway gave the famous advice, “write what you know,” meaning write only what you have experienced. That advice creates a problem for science fiction authors. One of my characters is an alien sex fiend. I’m trying a different approach to try to follow Hemingway’s advice.

One approach is to dream each scene in realistic detail and then write about it when I wake up. That’s what I was trying to do last night, and it only started before it was time to get up. Morphine drastically increases dream time and adds elements of realism such as depth, complexity, and detail.

Since my story is based on events that occurred in dreams and out of body experiences, the plot depends on phenomena that occurs in those states: hallucinations, teleportation, people who are not who they appear to be, telepathy, artificial universes, mind control, shifting realities. Futuristic technology produces some of those phenomena in the lives of the characters, and capitalists have figured out how to exploit these technologies and wreak havoc on the lives of the populace.

It is set it in a futuristic version of California based on the present where everything is for sale and disposable, life is cheap, people are fake, the president is a former game show host (I wrote it two years before it came true), and most people have to sell their organs for cheap plastic replacements in order to survive.

I believe I will be able to finish a novel by the end of the year and hopefully have it published. I want to get out of science. I’m not happy with my work situation.

I met my girlfriend at Invalides the other day. We went to the Rodin museum. I sketched a few of the sculptures in the sculpture garden. Rodin’s later art is not representational. It lacks surface detail. It’s coarse. The museum was full of these lumpy, molten golems frozen in theatrical poses. Despite its crudeness, it provokes a reaction and captures things through its gestures, expressions, and movement. Like modern art and postmodernist literature, I don’t find it to be beautiful. It does not elevate the soul. So, yes, it communicates something, but it is ugly, and I would not want it hanging on my wall where I’d have to look at it every day.

Afterwards, we walked through the Arrondissement Saint-Germain, and I took photos of some of historic buildings. Later we stopped at a line at a boulangerie (bakery) on rue Mouffetard to buy snacks. Of all the bakeries I’ve tried, this bakery makes the best pastries. Their bread, croissants, desserts, flan, tarts - everything is better than that of all the others. I go there almost every day. The smell of baking bread made my mouth water.

Ahead of us in line was a French couple, and the father was holding a baby. They were dressed relatively elegant the way Parisians often dress. They chatted and entertained the baby. I ignored them and observed buildings and other people without focusing on anybody or anything in particular. The line advanced slowly. I was surprised to see that Laetitia was practically drooling. I realized that she had been gazing at the little kid the whole time.

Women can stare at little kids and nobody thinks anything about it, but if a man stares at a small child, he can cause a panic and risks arrest.

Laetitia said, “isn’t he cute?”

I said, “yeah, sure.”

Kittens and puppies are cute. Human babies have hungry lamprey mouths, squinty eyes, big bald heads, and grasping hands make them look like vampiric aliens.

Since prehistoric times until WWII, everyone had as many babies as they could. Broods of 10 - 15 were the norm. The Baby Boomers all had babies too, except they had an average of 2.5 or so. The world has moved on, and Gen X and Millennials are the first American generations to question the expectation that one would have any children at all.

Less than half of our generation is having children, and as a whole, we are not having enough to sustain the population. Politicians and economists don’t like that, but as an environmentalist who likes vast, uninhabited natural areas, I love the idea population decline and the elbow room it promises. The population still grows because of immigration.
I like Thursdays because its long enough in the week to say its almost over but not quite the weekend. Fridays are too rush rush its the weekend so maybe going part time and having Fridays off would be good?
It started Wednesday my best friend did a bunch of expensive coke with me as I drove him around doing errands. We got to the place he's staying around 12 where he then fronted me 2 monster shots of u-4770 and was supposed to front me 10 mg benzo liquid. To get me through till refill day.Well he passec out hard after a fent shot before completing our benzo transaction. The vials where on the table so i completed the transaction and sent message saying I did. Apperantly there wasn't as much left in the vials as I thought so I fucked that up though it's not a huge deal because he has pills and can get more liquid I still felt like a shit friend.

Then this morning he calls me at 630 asking for ride to clinic sure no problem I tell him. I got leave at like 9 and realize my keys are locked in my car and I have no spare. So my dad came home from work tried to Jimmy lock failed but took me too clinic.

My friend just got fucked in whole deal because he lives too far out of my dad's way to pick him up and even if that wasn't the case there was no time. I just feel like shit over it. I guess all I can do is try and make it up to him.

I'm feeling so stressed. I don't want to lose my friend over this
I know blogs count as journals in a sense so I will keep using this. God my life has gotten so much better. I solved the whole living situation by getting a fucking amazing apartment and my friend was like doing everything to make it sound like it wouldnt be a good fit (hes pessimistic) but it comes with a private driveway a back yard and a dining room so he couldnt find a single flaw. So thats cool I get to live where i wanted to and experience the season change exactly how i wanted, i love autumn and we live in a very elm filled part of the city as well as by the park. I am so happy and excited.

I still give my current roommate a year. With each passing day i can see how dramatically different we are. He literally doesnt care to take care of himself so i keep being like dude we need to get new clothes for you, he still dresses like a teenager literally looks like one with baggy pants one of those pull belts that hangs out overly big band tee shirt old shitty shoes. And he will say "theres nothing wrong with these clothes" which i tend to agree, if he had clothes he could put on and not look like that. Its just annoying because he only cares when we need to do something important like sign the new lease and meet the prospective land lords suddenly its "i wish i had nicer clothes" That shit gets annoying because he obviously sees their value.

The other thing is hes constantly believing the crackheads he hears at the clinic and talking about a life im not a part of. Basically like dude we should try to get weed from this guy he says hes grown a lot in the past and can easily get an ounce. Its like dude hes a crack head why are you entertaining his crack head stories. Then there is the whole spending 100s a week on drugs and complaining. He is constantly trying to over use psychedelics and failing i am so tired of hearing it. I barely smoke weed or anything and all i have to hear is "do you think i can trip 30 hours after dosing" dude ive never done that wouldnt think of it... shit like that.

Also his over baring desire to be around people and do things is so annoying. I prefer to have no contacts no more then 3 people i talk to. Hes been on methadone for 7 months and in that time has made zero changes. He still has no hobbies and seeks out distraction literally all the time. Day off is saturday and at 9am he starts wtih "do you think you can give me some of your molly" like bro first off i dont sell my shit secondly get a fucking hobby, its been half a year.

Call me a harsh judge if you will but im tired of dragging a crew behind my success. Thats always the case im the leader the planner the executor and people obviously latch onto that. I knew that would be the case here but i was hoping he would ween himself off his dependence on me. Learn to budget his money, learn to buy what he wants in bulk so he can do it whenever, fix his style and way of relating to people, i dont mind helping after all. It just seems like hes content to riding my wave as long as i will allow. I'm still rebuilding my life and unless he fixes himself hes going to be left behind as everyone has been, i dont give it a second thought.

I love me but hate everyone, go figure. Judge them to death because ive earned it and ive been used by everyone now i pick and choose the ones i allow to be around me. Fuck friendship, that is a word people use to get you to do stuff, we exist together for as long as its beneficial. That is how i see my life.
For the first time in years I feel content even happy. Looking from the outide I shouldn't feel this way but I do. It's kind of strange.
mmmm a blog. What a concept, probably a better place to complain than the forums. Wish I didn't have so much to complain about in the first place.

Even if others don't find my constant negativity annoying (like I assume they do) I sure fuckin do get tired of it. This isn't the person I wanted to be. I don't know who I want to be but I definitely don't want to be this angry, constantly grieving for the life I didn't get and grasping for an understanding of something illogical. And I hate being stuck trying to understand things I should have learned as a child. It doesn't matter how young I feel I am 21 years old and I'm tired of feeling so emotionally behind.

In talking to my partner R today I said for the first time that I'm not an inherently bad person and I deserved better, I don't know if I really believe it but I did say it. But really if I'm not inherently bad why am I like this? Parents don't punish good kids. Nobody would have had a reason to hurt me if I was good.

And if I am a good person that means sometimes bad things happen to good people for no reason, I can't accept that. I must be inherently bad or the world is inherently unbalanced.

Nothing ever makes sense it just hurts. And as much as I wish it weren't the case this can't be fixed with meds or life advice, the most anyone can ever tell me is that they're sorry. That they feel I deserved better and it's not fair that I carry this burden. I know that already, I don't want sympathy I want the burden to be gone. I'm so tired.
Withe all the interest around heroine addiction in the media I have personally known 2 people who have gotten published. I feel I can bring something different to the genre as I'm not in AA and I'm fairly pessimistic where most junky memoirs at least have a happy ending I don't get the feeling my story will. It's also going to center on male sexual abuse which is still a pretty taboo topic.

I've been saying I'm going to for years but I think I finally have the right mindset and motivation.
This is the most successful relationship with a man I have had.

I love him!
So in November my friend who was a junkie in Florida wanted to try to start life a new where I lived. I told him if he can get a job and his act together we could move out to the city together and all of this was under the condition that he get clean and not fuck up. I put up about 2000 dollars to get the place because of the security deposit mainly. This was a sublet situation as neither one of us has good credit and a clean record so the realtors we tried would take our deposit and we wouldnt qualify, it was a long and complicated road that ended with him almost having to go back to flordia but then we did get a place.

The issue is once again i have changed as a person. I have always been somewhat professional and enjoy the company of those who are like myself. Now the area we live in happens to be a neighborhood for Yale university so most people there are professional educated etc. Now I was hoping all of this would change my friend as hes very different from me.

So as it happens the land lord is raising the rent and we literally cant afford it. So he tells me to look because im obviously the better candidate to do so. I find this amazing place call and schedule the viewing its literally down the road way bigger and way better cheaper has a yard and all this amazing stuff. Hes down for it until i tell him they were apprehensive about a dog. He immediately spouts off that he refuses to live somewhere where he cant bring his dog (dog is at parents house in florida) and how honestly he would rather has a place he can smoke in (i dont smoke) a place that will take his dog (i dont want his dog) and would rather live in the ghetto to save a tiny bit of money (i dont want to live in the ghetto). You can see why this would be an issue, i love the neighborhood for once i feel like i belong, its graduate students so they are our age and this is a very nice place close to both of our jobs.

The original investment isnt an issue the deposit check will be in my name and makes up all but 100 so im not worried about him owing me money, i just refuse to sign a lease under those conditions. So now the cross roads is, if they say they are considering me for this place and strongly so if he refuses it because what he literally said was "man smoking inside, my dog, saving money, are all more important then living where we do now, id prefer to go to florida if i cant have those things" Basically saying if he cant have his way hes going back on dope, which directly challenges my desires.... ive had the discussion of "if something or someone doesnt mesh with my plans i am done dedicating resources to them and leave them to seek my path" hes rapidly on the way to finding out that "this was an experiment to see if i could save a second person though assistance" and i have to reevaluate my position as hes threatening to uproot everything i want because of his need to smoke and attachment to a dog he hasnt seen in over half a year.

I get it though hes still a junkie, all he does is talk about people from the clinic, complains drugs dont do anything (has tried to roll, trip and smoke more weed then he should) wouldnt be an issue if he didnt complain every way. And all of that shows a lack of desire to change like i said to my younger brother, getting on methadone is the easy part and thats all he did. He still talks to junkies, he still obsesses over police and people getting arrested, he still dresses with clothes that have holes, tells new people about his arrests... i could go on.

Heroin showed me when something or someone doesnt have similar interests its time to remove them from your life. Dude literally tells me he would rather pay the same price for the same sized house in the ghetto because he would rather smoke inside and have his dog... shows a clear lack of consideration for the fact i dont smoke and dont have pets or children to avoid those responsibilities. I never really wanted to be like "its here or this is done" but yeah i might have to only because we are two different people and im not living in a ghetto because he still identifies as a drug user. We are talking about a year of my life too these leases arent short thats why its such a major consideration.
I have been pretty sick lately with a flu like virus and vertigo.


I am off to the quack today as she was sick herself yesterday.


Vertigo is something thats related to a number of things and being in 40s and weight gain is not helping.

I am bigger than I was mainly due to not being a daily meth user anymore but lets face it I like food and beer a lot.

I dont drink beer anymore and eat quite healthy except for lollies.

I dont like going out in public at all and cant see that changing so will have to either suck it up and go to a gym regularly or get the treadmill out.


Ugh

Room is spinning.

Dont get old. Its shit.

Ha! Get it? Snow globe? Cuz…snow? Is this thing on?

I've been quiet for the past few weeks or so and I sometimes think, "I have nothing to say." It's sort of like when I start thinking I don't have A Story at all really or when I feel as if my life and how I live it isn't really noteworthy or remarkable. When people finally engage me enough to speak of it and I see their eyes start to widen, and then widen further…when they interrupt me to check if I have wings (or horns) or a pulse because they cannot grasp how I could have - and still do - manage on a daily basis, when they learn of how I survived what I call "my speed bumps" and they call "damn near insurmountable brick mountains," when it dawns on them for the most part I've been alone for my journey…or traveling with exclusive my children as companions, it's almost as if I should reign my own pantheon. Although, can you call it a pantheon if it contains only a single entity…me?

Ugh…where do I begin with a hokey love story? I really can't say, "well, last Tuesday, blah, blah…" for your comprehension, I need to start …well, no. Not at the beginning. Genuinely, that would be kindergarten - no joke. He and I met in elementary school. As my dyke sister would say, "GHEEEEEEI! So ghei. Quit. You guys are ultra-ghei. Barf."

I guess just some bullet points. When I first moved back to my home town, my daughters Kainat* and Amaya* were just 7 years and 4 months old, respectively. Shortly after Amaya had her first birthday, she fell into a coma. It is my belief this was as a result of adverse reactions to her one year vaccinations, the massive incompetence of her pediatrician, Dr. Dimwit* and an at-the-time undiscovered set of intense seasonal allergies.

She recovered amazingly (this whole episode is a series of stories on its own), we chose a new doctor and life went on.

There were several maintenance guys in my complex…one guy, Halsten,* was pretty cute. There was some very mild flirting, a striking refrigerator repair mishap and a party where I invited him but nothing really came of it. I started seeing a guy I'd known from out of state. I left the complex when I became pregnant with my boy Lucian* and life went on.

I thought nothing of it Halsten and my path kept crossing in odd ways: we bumped into each other at the grocery store and were happier to see one another than be with our partners…I'd planned to move back out of state and was having a going away party in a park. Halsten was there for no good reason - no kid with him, no dog, didn't live near there…one day, years later, after Halsten and I were a couple, we drove past a house. I pointed and said, "I had a strange date there once…a guy made dinner for me but I just don't remember much else…" He almost drove off the road.

It was Halsten, of course, his house, he'd made dinner that night and he couldn't remember much either…Even now, I can't unravel that one. I was with my ex at the time and I'm not one to behave in any shady manner, nor do I feel anything shady occurred nor was intended…but, why was I there?

So, we bumped into each other at a laundry mat. Why was I at the laundry mat (beside the obvious)? My washer had broken. Even though I had another and could have set that one up…even though there was a laundry mat a mile from my house…I went to the one way across town…and was using the dryer he always used so he was waiting for whoever to get the clothes out of his dryer and he recognized me from behind…and called my name.

My bioname is…unusual. Whenever anyone says it correctly, two things happen: I freak out with paranoia and I KNOW the speaker knows me. I turned around slowly; having just ended a seriously shitty relationship, I'd made the vow to stay single until Lucian graduated high school and I did NOT need a man knowing me and saying my name all correct n shit.

It was Halsten and I had no idea who the hell he was; all I knew was that he was damn good looking and I was going to break that damn vow. Shit. I raised an eyebrow. He told me his name and reminded me of the complex.

"Ooooooh!" I said, knowingly, not knowing a damn thing. We ended up talking for about a half hour before I remembered I sort of had a sort of date thingie with my sort of married boss. I know I just said I'm not one to behave in a shady manner but let me clarify: I don't do shady shit if I'M in a relationship. It's not my job to preserve the integrity of yours. Having said that, my boss and I just flirted because his wife was a mean imported Russian lady. He called it "job training." I just read the work manual and got free dinners and drinks while he bitched and I gassed up his ego. It was mutually beneficial. I cut it short that day "because I had a lot of laundry to do."

Halsten asked me if I was single and I nearly peed myself. "NO. I mean, yes, I am, but, no, I'm…not…I don't date. I'm not dating. I'm not dating currently. Again. Now. Ever." I stuttered. He didn't even look up from his folding.

"Yeah, me neither."

We kept chatting…and then he found my weakness. Well, weaknesses. From behind his knee appeared two gigantic eyeballs that made Bambi look like he was squinting. "This…is Howell*. Howie, say hi." Apparently, Howie's way of greeting was to hide those peepers and then flash them again, coupled with a trillion dollar smile. My heart burst into glitter.

Halsten continued, "Don't you have a son around his age? Why don't you come over and play games? The boys can hang out and entertain each other while we play. I have some friends who have lots of games and we can all get together."

Games? Table games? Like…Monopoly? CLUE!?!?! GAMES?!?! OMFGILOVEGAMESSOHARDNOONEPLAYSGAMESYESIWANTTOPLAYGAMES! I had also never dated a parent before…(well, there was this one jackass but I can't call what we did dating). I cleared my throat. "uh…yeah. Lucky's…" I paused, "…how old are you, Peepers?" I hunkered down and Eyebawls hid behind his dad's crotch, forcing me to think of his dad's crotch. Halsten's crotch offered up a muffled grunt. The back of my mind smirked while telling me if Halsten's crotch could grunt…

I stood up abruptly. "Lucian's seven. How old is Peep…uhm…Howell, did you say?" Halsten stated Howie's age at six and I could hear an obnoxious rushing sound in my ears. It felt…like falling, dammit. DAMMIT. I did not have energy for falling. I made a mental note to pay double on my gravity bill. "Sounds great," I said, wrapping up my wash. "Stay in touch."

"Uh uh, no." He stepped in front of me as I scuttled toward the door. "I've tried looking you up before, but I guess I can't spell your name or something." (As a side note, I give my cell to damn near everyone. Who cares? I can always ignore or block you. Plus, I have a cool service on top to filter calls. I don't give out my landline [yes, I'm a dinosaur with a landline] but everyone has my cell anyway; hasn't changed in 16 years. Yeah, weird, whatever.) "How do I get you?"

I panicked. This was The Line. If I gave him my info, he was going to use it. If I gave him fake info, a) I was an ass and 2) I'd bump into him again, SOON, and he would totally call me out on that shit and iii) I…kinda…sorta maybe, perhaps wanted…I like games. I gave him my Facebook info.

And bolted.

And didn't hear from him again until JULY.


...To be continued....

*All names have been changed to protect the innocent. And the wicked fuckin' guilty.
Hi my name is Andrue. I'm 18 years old.

I'm going to write a daily blog about my experiences in a program called Job Corps where I will be training in the trade of Culinary Arts.

While I'm here I am expected to be sober and plan on it but cannot guarantee the abstinence of using psychedelics immediately following a drug test.

I am not sure what the format of this blog will be, but I have posted about it and would like some suggestions: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/819661-Blog-Idea-Format-Suggestions

I would like to have a format that stands out and is preferably aesthetic in visuality or in writing style.

I live in the garage of my house at the moment and am in the process of turning in the paperwork to move to the city of San Bernardino to attend this program and make something out of my life.

So far I have managed to attain a degree called the CHSPE, which is a high school diploma equivalent, ruined my family relationships, hurt my liver from years of alcoholism and pharm abuse, and lost all friends that weren't really friends all along.

Just a little intro until I decide on a format :)

Bye
Meth, A gift offered by chemical gods.
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Opium, A divine gift from gods.
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Datura, The angel's trumpet... The ticket to a delirious world...
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Valium and vivid dreams.
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Charm of my heart. Enter my blood and alter mind.
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