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mmmm a blog. What a concept, probably a better place to complain than the forums. Wish I didn't have so much to complain about in the first place.

Even if others don't find my constant negativity annoying (like I assume they do) I sure fuckin do get tired of it. This isn't the person I wanted to be. I don't know who I want to be but I definitely don't want to be this angry, constantly grieving for the life I didn't get and grasping for an understanding of something illogical. And I hate being stuck trying to understand things I should have learned as a child. It doesn't matter how young I feel I am 21 years old and I'm tired of feeling so emotionally behind.

In talking to my partner R today I said for the first time that I'm not an inherently bad person and I deserved better, I don't know if I really believe it but I did say it. But really if I'm not inherently bad why am I like this? Parents don't punish good kids. Nobody would have had a reason to hurt me if I was good.

And if I am a good person that means sometimes bad things happen to good people for no reason, I can't accept that. I must be inherently bad or the world is inherently unbalanced.

Nothing ever makes sense it just hurts. And as much as I wish it weren't the case this can't be fixed with meds or life advice, the most anyone can ever tell me is that they're sorry. That they feel I deserved better and it's not fair that I carry this burden. I know that already, I don't want sympathy I want the burden to be gone. I'm so tired.

 

The world is not fair--that is a concept that humans came up with that has absolutely no basis in nature. Yet it seems like humans have tried forever to establish fairness in societies but what a failure that has been! People can't choose where, when or how they are born much less who they are born to and sometimes I find myself feeling almost guilty for having been born to loving parents who were modestly comfortable (obscenely wealthy by any poor country's standards) and in a nation that wreaks havoc all over the globe but has not known war on its soil since the civil war.

Being miserable because of your circumstances (or how they make you feel) does not make you a bad person. Bad things do happen to good people all the time and good things happen for people that behave like monsters. In reality though, seeing people as good or bad can get you in trouble. We all have the capacity for altruism and the capacity for terrible greed and selfishness. What our circumstances bring out, what our family situations breed and what we ourselves nurture in ourselves is what contributes to how we act. The best thing that you can do is to understand where your burden comes from and what sustains it. Then you can begin to dismantle it.