I managed to make it to work last night sans event. I ended up doing just a small amount in order to stay awake, but not enough to get loaded. This week everything got all fucked up with my schedule. Normally, I have my Wed and Thurs days off, then go 2 work Thur evening. Due to the car and my dental surgery, the cursed responsibilities of life cut into my party time. When I'm chemmed for fun, I need to have all day Wed and Thur to be left the fuck alone to do absolutely nothing BUT enjoy my chemicals and the fruits of said chemicals, such as writing or talking to friends. Anyway, so sister Crystal cut in to the work time, although as I said, not in a "let's tweek and fuck off all responsibilities including work" time.
No way, more like insurance against falling asleep or becoming that apathetic fucking zoned out creature that feels worse than death that results when W/D's start to plant themselves in my head and in my face. God PLEASE anything BUT that! Even horrific depression like the last few days are 100 times more preferable than feeling the way I do from never ending Tramadol W/D's. The only thing that really sucks, is that, like I said in my infamous book "Turbo and Spice," when on the crystal chems, time literally feels like it's being put on one giant ass fast forward, moving at the speed of tweek. It's great when there are no jobs, no responsibilities, or irritating ass obligations lurking like an unwanted vampire, suckin away party time and rearing it's ugly annoying demands of responsibility some people call life.
I have no problem working for a living, although I do tend towards being a romantic dreamer, living the life of one big giant fairy tale and party. If I could of gotten away with that all the time, then you can bet that's just what I'd be doing. Writing, partying, loving life, drifting from place to place one minute to the next, keeping company with myself or other junkies and drifters that are just like or a lot like me. We have fun, have a ball, laugh, hug, joke, party the night away, but when it comes to staying focused and committed to real hard work that requires effort to accomplish, more often than not, dope fiends and drifters don't bother with. Let's get our dope, surround ourselves with Addict Assossiates, whoever happens to be conveniently nearby and fun at the moment, blast off to our respective hopes and dreams in our designated garage, back alley, or dope house, or broken down trailor truck, seeing the world, becoming the people we may think we want to be, right there in our minds at that place, at that time.
That in itself is our Magic Mountain, our prime rib, steak and lobster, our skydiving trips, our cross country motorcycle trips without ever having to step foot out of the garage. All we have to do is get chemmed up, chat each other up, that in itself is the dream, in place of the doing. Chems allow you the vacations, the mansions, the creativity, the education, whatever your heart's desire at the time, in the here and now, in a dirt poor environment, without a dime to your name. Chems take you to the magic bus in the sky via your mind and the amazing thing is, you NEVER get bored! So, don't think I meant to digress off on that subject, but I AM grateful for the care and concern shown to me by other heart blood friends and dope fiends, my ex sugar daddy and Erik aka Kupid, and of course my (thank God) not too distant girlfriends and fiends Aimee and Linda.
Jim and Erik are 10 times the shy person that I am, so I can only begin to imagine how difficult it is for them to express love, support, friendship especially without chems. Hell even with chems, Erik is shy, but like myself, get caught in the frustrating trap of shyness because it can be perceived of by others as indifference or snobbery, when that is FAR from the truth. I'm finding out that other people too sometimes have some of the same flaws that I have and that not everyone in the world except for me knows how to be socially comfortable around almost anyone. Hell, compared to a lot of people during my 2 years clean, I was able to reach out or reach back to someone trying to reach out and help ME. Yet, when faced with an akward situation of being told my brother's wife (a stranger to me) hates me, even with the best effort and intentions, I manage to fuck it all up.
Had I had a small buzz from 2 painkillers, a small line, or even a couple of beers, I would have been the person I want to be, that is me, but buried under self conscience useless bullshit. Aimee told me once that without chems she literally feels DIS eased. Not at ease. Chems somehow provide the social lubricant and for me mental stimulation as if I were in one big huge magic playground in the heavens, there's ALWAYS something to do that will light up my eyes just as when I was a child and everything was new for the first time. I've tried and tried to somehow get and keep that ability without any chemical help, but unfortunately, as I was told once at an NA meeting after I asked isn't there any way to retain the benefits of using while remaining clean and not having to use? Answer: That's like asking your ex husband for break up sex. Sure your pesky ex that gave the best sex ever will promise not to be controlling, manipulative, take over your life and sure you can have sex without the hassle of the marriage.
Not quite. You take the sex with the ex, next thing you know, he's camped out there, controlling and demanding as ever. So, if you want the milk, there's no way around the fact you have to take the whole fucking cow. Or neither.
No way, more like insurance against falling asleep or becoming that apathetic fucking zoned out creature that feels worse than death that results when W/D's start to plant themselves in my head and in my face. God PLEASE anything BUT that! Even horrific depression like the last few days are 100 times more preferable than feeling the way I do from never ending Tramadol W/D's. The only thing that really sucks, is that, like I said in my infamous book "Turbo and Spice," when on the crystal chems, time literally feels like it's being put on one giant ass fast forward, moving at the speed of tweek. It's great when there are no jobs, no responsibilities, or irritating ass obligations lurking like an unwanted vampire, suckin away party time and rearing it's ugly annoying demands of responsibility some people call life.
I have no problem working for a living, although I do tend towards being a romantic dreamer, living the life of one big giant fairy tale and party. If I could of gotten away with that all the time, then you can bet that's just what I'd be doing. Writing, partying, loving life, drifting from place to place one minute to the next, keeping company with myself or other junkies and drifters that are just like or a lot like me. We have fun, have a ball, laugh, hug, joke, party the night away, but when it comes to staying focused and committed to real hard work that requires effort to accomplish, more often than not, dope fiends and drifters don't bother with. Let's get our dope, surround ourselves with Addict Assossiates, whoever happens to be conveniently nearby and fun at the moment, blast off to our respective hopes and dreams in our designated garage, back alley, or dope house, or broken down trailor truck, seeing the world, becoming the people we may think we want to be, right there in our minds at that place, at that time.
That in itself is our Magic Mountain, our prime rib, steak and lobster, our skydiving trips, our cross country motorcycle trips without ever having to step foot out of the garage. All we have to do is get chemmed up, chat each other up, that in itself is the dream, in place of the doing. Chems allow you the vacations, the mansions, the creativity, the education, whatever your heart's desire at the time, in the here and now, in a dirt poor environment, without a dime to your name. Chems take you to the magic bus in the sky via your mind and the amazing thing is, you NEVER get bored! So, don't think I meant to digress off on that subject, but I AM grateful for the care and concern shown to me by other heart blood friends and dope fiends, my ex sugar daddy and Erik aka Kupid, and of course my (thank God) not too distant girlfriends and fiends Aimee and Linda.
Jim and Erik are 10 times the shy person that I am, so I can only begin to imagine how difficult it is for them to express love, support, friendship especially without chems. Hell even with chems, Erik is shy, but like myself, get caught in the frustrating trap of shyness because it can be perceived of by others as indifference or snobbery, when that is FAR from the truth. I'm finding out that other people too sometimes have some of the same flaws that I have and that not everyone in the world except for me knows how to be socially comfortable around almost anyone. Hell, compared to a lot of people during my 2 years clean, I was able to reach out or reach back to someone trying to reach out and help ME. Yet, when faced with an akward situation of being told my brother's wife (a stranger to me) hates me, even with the best effort and intentions, I manage to fuck it all up.
Had I had a small buzz from 2 painkillers, a small line, or even a couple of beers, I would have been the person I want to be, that is me, but buried under self conscience useless bullshit. Aimee told me once that without chems she literally feels DIS eased. Not at ease. Chems somehow provide the social lubricant and for me mental stimulation as if I were in one big huge magic playground in the heavens, there's ALWAYS something to do that will light up my eyes just as when I was a child and everything was new for the first time. I've tried and tried to somehow get and keep that ability without any chemical help, but unfortunately, as I was told once at an NA meeting after I asked isn't there any way to retain the benefits of using while remaining clean and not having to use? Answer: That's like asking your ex husband for break up sex. Sure your pesky ex that gave the best sex ever will promise not to be controlling, manipulative, take over your life and sure you can have sex without the hassle of the marriage.
Not quite. You take the sex with the ex, next thing you know, he's camped out there, controlling and demanding as ever. So, if you want the milk, there's no way around the fact you have to take the whole fucking cow. Or neither.