5/10/2009
I’m back on the oh so intense meth a coaster, full force. A lot has happened, but I panicked when I saw I was almost out and wouldn’t have any for MY time, no work Mon-Thurs night next week. I ended up doing a little here or a little there either to stay awake, avoid W/D’s, or simply because I felt cheated not having my lousy 1 ½ days off for me and not having to dick around with irritating responsibilities and answer to my damn mom. I’m tired of hearing her say repeatedly how I haven’t been myself the last 6 wks or so. If I’m at Aimee’s she gets in my face. If I stay home in my room and not go out, she gets in my face because I’m “not myself.”
When doing meth and having to keep up a job, that’s about all I can focus my energy on because while it DOES give energy, it sucks it right out of you too. So, this means I take a lot of “me” time, as much as I can get away with. I don’t bother her or get in her face, but she says I must be back on the shit when she comes back into my room with what little time to myself I have wanting me to do some irritating errand or whatever. Fuck. It’s not like I get to stay home on my ass doing nothing but tweek and write 24/7. I see her point of view, but do not try forcing an intervention on me, unless she’s willing to pay for detox and let me slide on ½ month’s rent for the time missed from work.
I’m enjoying my time, but I need to take a break after my vacation off work next week. Every day I get on the scale, 2 or 3 more lbs have decreased. I’m now at 195 lbs and everyone has commented on what a hot new body I have. That’s ironic considering all the years in my 30’s, especially when there were no speed sources for 4 years, I leveled out at 189 lbs, and suffered tremendously from self body hatred, every bit as much as when I weighed 240 lbs. Like Aimee said last night, I don’t care how clean I was, I was still fucked up health wise, couldn’t move, my feet hurt walking, exercise/walking was a chore, and I’ll never forget how goddamned humiliating I felt when at 7 months clean, I was too fat to be able to get on a ride at Knott’s Berry Farm.
I think I was a size 22 then, I’m now at a size 16 and after being at that other weight monstrosity, I’ll be 4ever grateful 2 remain at my present weight cause I love the fact that even though I’m middle aged, there are the beginnings of age lines in my face, I’ve got grey hairs comin in at the temples and back of neck, I’m now near sighted and require reading glasses, AND I’m overweight to boot, I’ve never felt sexier and happier with my body than I do now. I’m still sexy and pretty when I dress it up right and for the first time since getting clean, the self body hatred is gone at last. I’m middle aged and love what I see when I look in the mirror, so most of my issues revolved around the ability to change my mind, than to obsess over changing my body or external circumstances.
I love the writing. I love the time with Aimee, Linda, and the gang. I love the fact I’m beginning to explore and be ok with my new sexuality, even if it is only celibacy for the rest of my life. Shyness is an obstacle that is a long process to overcome, but I’ve managed in some ways. Other areas I blew chunks, for example I kept getting flipping pissed because I was forced to have to go to work last 3 nights, 4 including tonight. Since I panicked about running out of meth, I called in to work late (haven’t been late in 3 yrs) I get all sorts of shit from the family, so I pointed out the fact that I don’t do this shit all the time, my car was not there, my friend had to drive me to work, which was true. What happened, and yeah it’s my fault totally, but I HAD to go see Don to get him started on scorin me more dope so I’d have it the next morning after work. Long story short, Don kept insisting it would only take a few minutes, it took way fucking longer, then the panic attacks started, fuck.
My car is perfectly legal, I called in let work know what was going on instead of merely shining them on like I did in the past, but the nervous tension and angst got to me and therefore there was no way in hell I was gonna drive. I couldn’t because I’d get panic attacks. Don was way late, I paid Aimee to drive me to work and pick me up the next morning. That way I don’t have to trip over driving plus my car wasn’t parked at work, the people could see I had to find another way to get to work. I HATED those panic attacks and that reminded me I never want to go through that bullshit again, although that’s the thing with dope. It’s sometimes a catch 22, meaning if I DIDN’T score that night, then with my luck I’d be stuck with W/D’s all next week.
After next week, I guess the only thing I can do is once again, load up on all the supplements from the Naturopath, start the walks daily while taking them, which will take away about ½ of the W/D’s from meth. It’s going to probably take a couple weeks at least, then go about the business of trying to temper slowly reducing the painkillers too. The final challenge will be to get rid of that motherfucking food demon once and for all in the absence of meth. I’m perfectly happy staying at THIS weight forever, only fuck gaining back any more weight all to hell. So, I need the obsession with overeating to be permanently deleted from my brain. So, yeah while the drugs are so much fun, I can’t go through this whole charade of paranoia and panic attacks simply because there are 2 many responsibilities, but not enough time off. That is specifically why I decided to give myself a break next week 4 wks ago. The thing that sucks though is that when I’m high on meth, I don’t want to waste it on dumb shit like unwanted responsibilities, but when I’m goin through W/D’s I sure as hell don’t want to deal with any bullshit then either.
So, fuck I just want this crap to end. I was touched and grateful to Erik for trying to help, he said tickets are on the way, bless his heart. If it is at all possible, I will harness whatever Universal Power on the LSD trip to not only grant me insight, but the ability to apply what insight I gained while on the trip. It gets so damn frustrating operating on nothing but my own power limited by my undisciplined mind and body, so freaken God please help me cause I don’t want to continue fucking up for good. I know it can’t go on, so something has to give, and for that to happen I’m going to need help and energy from the Divine Source.
I’m back on the oh so intense meth a coaster, full force. A lot has happened, but I panicked when I saw I was almost out and wouldn’t have any for MY time, no work Mon-Thurs night next week. I ended up doing a little here or a little there either to stay awake, avoid W/D’s, or simply because I felt cheated not having my lousy 1 ½ days off for me and not having to dick around with irritating responsibilities and answer to my damn mom. I’m tired of hearing her say repeatedly how I haven’t been myself the last 6 wks or so. If I’m at Aimee’s she gets in my face. If I stay home in my room and not go out, she gets in my face because I’m “not myself.”
When doing meth and having to keep up a job, that’s about all I can focus my energy on because while it DOES give energy, it sucks it right out of you too. So, this means I take a lot of “me” time, as much as I can get away with. I don’t bother her or get in her face, but she says I must be back on the shit when she comes back into my room with what little time to myself I have wanting me to do some irritating errand or whatever. Fuck. It’s not like I get to stay home on my ass doing nothing but tweek and write 24/7. I see her point of view, but do not try forcing an intervention on me, unless she’s willing to pay for detox and let me slide on ½ month’s rent for the time missed from work.
I’m enjoying my time, but I need to take a break after my vacation off work next week. Every day I get on the scale, 2 or 3 more lbs have decreased. I’m now at 195 lbs and everyone has commented on what a hot new body I have. That’s ironic considering all the years in my 30’s, especially when there were no speed sources for 4 years, I leveled out at 189 lbs, and suffered tremendously from self body hatred, every bit as much as when I weighed 240 lbs. Like Aimee said last night, I don’t care how clean I was, I was still fucked up health wise, couldn’t move, my feet hurt walking, exercise/walking was a chore, and I’ll never forget how goddamned humiliating I felt when at 7 months clean, I was too fat to be able to get on a ride at Knott’s Berry Farm.
I think I was a size 22 then, I’m now at a size 16 and after being at that other weight monstrosity, I’ll be 4ever grateful 2 remain at my present weight cause I love the fact that even though I’m middle aged, there are the beginnings of age lines in my face, I’ve got grey hairs comin in at the temples and back of neck, I’m now near sighted and require reading glasses, AND I’m overweight to boot, I’ve never felt sexier and happier with my body than I do now. I’m still sexy and pretty when I dress it up right and for the first time since getting clean, the self body hatred is gone at last. I’m middle aged and love what I see when I look in the mirror, so most of my issues revolved around the ability to change my mind, than to obsess over changing my body or external circumstances.
I love the writing. I love the time with Aimee, Linda, and the gang. I love the fact I’m beginning to explore and be ok with my new sexuality, even if it is only celibacy for the rest of my life. Shyness is an obstacle that is a long process to overcome, but I’ve managed in some ways. Other areas I blew chunks, for example I kept getting flipping pissed because I was forced to have to go to work last 3 nights, 4 including tonight. Since I panicked about running out of meth, I called in to work late (haven’t been late in 3 yrs) I get all sorts of shit from the family, so I pointed out the fact that I don’t do this shit all the time, my car was not there, my friend had to drive me to work, which was true. What happened, and yeah it’s my fault totally, but I HAD to go see Don to get him started on scorin me more dope so I’d have it the next morning after work. Long story short, Don kept insisting it would only take a few minutes, it took way fucking longer, then the panic attacks started, fuck.
My car is perfectly legal, I called in let work know what was going on instead of merely shining them on like I did in the past, but the nervous tension and angst got to me and therefore there was no way in hell I was gonna drive. I couldn’t because I’d get panic attacks. Don was way late, I paid Aimee to drive me to work and pick me up the next morning. That way I don’t have to trip over driving plus my car wasn’t parked at work, the people could see I had to find another way to get to work. I HATED those panic attacks and that reminded me I never want to go through that bullshit again, although that’s the thing with dope. It’s sometimes a catch 22, meaning if I DIDN’T score that night, then with my luck I’d be stuck with W/D’s all next week.
After next week, I guess the only thing I can do is once again, load up on all the supplements from the Naturopath, start the walks daily while taking them, which will take away about ½ of the W/D’s from meth. It’s going to probably take a couple weeks at least, then go about the business of trying to temper slowly reducing the painkillers too. The final challenge will be to get rid of that motherfucking food demon once and for all in the absence of meth. I’m perfectly happy staying at THIS weight forever, only fuck gaining back any more weight all to hell. So, I need the obsession with overeating to be permanently deleted from my brain. So, yeah while the drugs are so much fun, I can’t go through this whole charade of paranoia and panic attacks simply because there are 2 many responsibilities, but not enough time off. That is specifically why I decided to give myself a break next week 4 wks ago. The thing that sucks though is that when I’m high on meth, I don’t want to waste it on dumb shit like unwanted responsibilities, but when I’m goin through W/D’s I sure as hell don’t want to deal with any bullshit then either.
So, fuck I just want this crap to end. I was touched and grateful to Erik for trying to help, he said tickets are on the way, bless his heart. If it is at all possible, I will harness whatever Universal Power on the LSD trip to not only grant me insight, but the ability to apply what insight I gained while on the trip. It gets so damn frustrating operating on nothing but my own power limited by my undisciplined mind and body, so freaken God please help me cause I don’t want to continue fucking up for good. I know it can’t go on, so something has to give, and for that to happen I’m going to need help and energy from the Divine Source.