Well how is everyone doing? I could be better. Told my psych social worker today that I've been bored... he thought I might have become manic, but the far opposite (even tho I've been using speed again, which hardly anyone knows. It doesn't tweak me out as it used to, which is good I guess anyway.)
My social worker said it's cuz I am getting used to a "normal" life again, not involving full-time gogo dancing I did for over two years, or modeling nudies, or high-end escorting I did for a couple months. He doesn't really know about all that, but he figures my life used to be a lot different. But as crazy as it was, it was more fulfilling (once I quit the dangerous stuff) than my life is boring now. I keep saying how much of a rut I am in, but I can't do much to leave it. I'm under lock and key where I live and I am not allowed to go anywhere myself except a few people, and then I have a midnight curfew. AND I AM 34.
So I just miss the good, free, real times of my life that I had for so long, and sucks how just a couple mess-ups will fuck it all up and set you back.
I'm not blaming this on drugs or alcohol cuz my fuck-ups were done sober, believe it or not. They happened because I was naieve and broke after college and in desperate need for money, and excitement. Unfortunately, that led to the other downfalls.
I've been using speed again for over a week now, and weirdly I am sleeping MUCH better, focusing MUCH better, spending a lot less money, and not trying to go out and be socially crazy. Like I used to. Still, I am really doing this to lose all that weight I gained from the psych meds they had me on. I still don't like the HIGH of speed... the jittery, the tightness and spasming of muscles, the tenseness.... maybe it's the quality of my stuff, or maybe my body has just changed how it reacts. In any case, I'm glad it's not going to get out of hand like it had before.
I am dreaming of independence, just being able to have my own place and car and job and a boyfriend or dates who aren't stopped because I live at home, with no car and no job and a messed-up recent history (not like I tell everyone that, but people find shit out.)
Anyway, I'm off to bed. i hope everyone is OK! %)
My social worker said it's cuz I am getting used to a "normal" life again, not involving full-time gogo dancing I did for over two years, or modeling nudies, or high-end escorting I did for a couple months. He doesn't really know about all that, but he figures my life used to be a lot different. But as crazy as it was, it was more fulfilling (once I quit the dangerous stuff) than my life is boring now. I keep saying how much of a rut I am in, but I can't do much to leave it. I'm under lock and key where I live and I am not allowed to go anywhere myself except a few people, and then I have a midnight curfew. AND I AM 34.
So I just miss the good, free, real times of my life that I had for so long, and sucks how just a couple mess-ups will fuck it all up and set you back.
I'm not blaming this on drugs or alcohol cuz my fuck-ups were done sober, believe it or not. They happened because I was naieve and broke after college and in desperate need for money, and excitement. Unfortunately, that led to the other downfalls.
I've been using speed again for over a week now, and weirdly I am sleeping MUCH better, focusing MUCH better, spending a lot less money, and not trying to go out and be socially crazy. Like I used to. Still, I am really doing this to lose all that weight I gained from the psych meds they had me on. I still don't like the HIGH of speed... the jittery, the tightness and spasming of muscles, the tenseness.... maybe it's the quality of my stuff, or maybe my body has just changed how it reacts. In any case, I'm glad it's not going to get out of hand like it had before.
I am dreaming of independence, just being able to have my own place and car and job and a boyfriend or dates who aren't stopped because I live at home, with no car and no job and a messed-up recent history (not like I tell everyone that, but people find shit out.)
Anyway, I'm off to bed. i hope everyone is OK! %)
