I am flawed and I make mistakes

nanny · Apr 24, 2012

ok. look. things are gonna be alright. first of all, i am sorry if I kind of came off a little harsh about like, losing everything, and living on the streets and being alone and maybe ending up dead somewhere or sick idk.. it is just that in recovery, we always talk about " hitting your bottom." and basically i think that what happens to a lot of addicts and alcoholics ( I was an alcoholic for about 15 years, did a rehab for one month-did'nt work, 4 years later, hit rock bottom, went to a city run rehab for 3 month, they had a sober house in the same building, did that for 6 months, shit FINALLY MY parents let me out of this place and i went to another sober house (which was nicer but still full of angry women who didn't have their crack or heroin or oxy or alcohol, so my parents keep me in their for 7 more fucking months. ok? finally my brother calls me and invites me to come live with him and help out with his new baby (i love kids, but i am smart enough not to have any) i think i packed my bags in 10 minutes and was on the next flight out. thank god so.. anyway. that worked. not a drop of alcohol in 5 1/2 years. but thats the least of my problems, because mental illness and alcoholism runs amok on my father's side of the family (suicide attempts, schizophrenia, OCD, massive hoarding, anxiety, paranoid delusional thinking, etc... anyway, not good)but for me, and this is not an excuse. i am a recovering alcoholic. alcohol was sort of just the tip of the iceberg. i was just self medicating a much larger, actually a huge psychological problem that i was not even aware of. idk. tons of studies have shown that people who are alcoholics and have anxiety disorders say the anxiety disorder preceded their alcoholism. anyway. yeah 5 years sober. feeling good. then total breakdown. lost my mind. severe depression, and panic disorder with agoraphobia. sounds fun, right? so It was kinda like I got hit by a mack truck. so anyway that was about 2 and a half years ago and so ive been doing just whatever i can to keep from drowning and i have a small army of dr.s and therapists and counselors and caseworkers and my family in great. i mean they were so happy that i was sober and shit and my sponsor is great but the mental illness just kinda ya know, idk. they dont know what to do. hell i dont know what to do. nobody really understands about the mental illness thing. oh you are in A.A.? "GREAT> GOOD FOR YOU!" "OH YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS? STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU CRAZY S.O.B." STIGMA SUCKS. sorry just rambling. back to you. look i just don't want you to hit bottom and lose everything, like i did. and rehab is a bitch. seriously. and those sober houses? crazytown. and of course you know i had a major breakdown again about 17 days ago when i stopped my H and I had to wait for my SSri's to kick in and my valium too. so that is all i have to say about that. but better for now.. so quit while you are ahead. way ahead. trust me on this one. so it seems like you have got some stuff on your mind and you are WRITING IT DOWN. GOOD. GOOD. GOOD. i liked your work..very much actually , but u know this already. especially the 2nd longer piece. (written while sober)??? it actually reminded me of an article that i read in Vanity Fair (i wait in a lot of dr's office's and i kinda ripped this article out because vanity fair costs like 7 dollars or some shit sooo bad... ) anyway. this article was about Eva Gabrielsson and her new book about the life she spent with Stieg Larsson. ( THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO ETC...MAJOR PUBLISHING PHENOMENON-- didn't know he was writing great shit, cause he died in 2004) sound familiar?? anyway.. she finds this letter that he wrote in 1977 or something and she is only suppose to read it if he dies. but she finds it by accident in 2004 and reads it at his funeral. ironic right? anyway part of it says this,

Eva, my love,
It's over. One way or another, everything comes to an end. It's all over some day. That's perhaps one of the most fascinating truths we know about the entire universe. The stars die, the galaxies die, the planets die. And people die too. I've never been a believer, but the day I became interested in astronomy, I think I put aside all that was left of my fear of death. I'd realized that in comparison to the universe, a human being, a single human being, me......is infinitely small....."

and then he just tells her he loves her and to keep on living her life and thanks for all the great times. etc... very moving. so.... yes. people think these thoughts. writers think these thoughts. great writers think theses thoughts..... write some more stuff when you are sober maybe?????? idk. nothing probably. shit. its late. i gotta work tomorrow. get up at 5 am. wwwhere's my valiummmm? lol goodnite anaddict. be safe ok. and you can tell me to shut up at any time. i wont mind. too tired too mindd.. hope this helps a little. gnite doll. i was right. your a great writer.

Interested in other research studies? Find more drug studies.

anaddict · Apr 24, 2012

Never would I tell you to shut up. I appreciate your comments on my blogs. It is cool that someone enjoys something I wrote. Man sorry to hear about the alcohol stuff that was one thing I never had trouble with. I drink occasionally but it was never something that even came close to being a problem. I was too busy with opiates, weed and hallucinogens I guess. Congrats on having the five years clean though. Even though it sounds like things got bad again a few times after that its still quite an accomplishment. I still am considering trying to get on suboxone for a while. I know some people say that is just trading one addiction for another but it is better than trying to score on the street and spending all my extra cash every week.

I am not all that concerned about my little setback this weekend. Have you ever seen that picture of Neil Patrick Harris? He has this crazy psycho look in his eyes and his hands up in front of his face and they are covered in blood; and the caption reads "I'm not even sorry." That is kind of how I feel right now. I had 40mg of Oxymorphone left this morning and I blew it as soon as I woke up. Then I just said that would be it for a while. I also decided I am going to stop counting the days of my sobriety. I feel like I do not have to follow some guide book for my own sobriety. I made a decision to stop using every day and I did that. Then I made a mistake and scored enough for a good night and when it was gone I did not run back out to get more. Which I had both the connect and the funds to do. Maybe I am being naive but I feel like I have enough willpower now to just move past this and continue with my recovery. I dont think I need to feel like I failed and have to start all over again everytime I have a slip up(and I am sure there will be more). Just because I have not been absolutely sober next week when I have not used in say a month except this little slip up. I think I will just call it 30* 30 days clean with an asterisk. I dont think I have to be 'absoultely' sober through my recovery to not feel like a failure. After all a wise person once said "Only the sith deal in absolutes." Tomorrow is just going to be another day I do not use. Not another 'Day 1'.

nanny · Apr 25, 2012

oh god. its like you read my mind or something. i don't drink anymore. that is a definite no-no, especially now that im taking a hell of a lotta BNZ FOR my panic disorder which has gotten better, but maybe the dr. doesn't have to know to what extent...lol. sorry. need the vals. anyway. yeah. like ive got some money saved up and a really good coke connect now and i was kinda thinkin like well, hey, why not? but then i was thinking about my car. my poor poor car. it needs to get fixed. and ya know. i got a feeling that that was kind of the thinking that got me into trouble in the first place. i mean how many times did i hand over 200 dollars for a 2 week supply or maybe less. over the course of 3 or 3 1/2 months? my car would be fixed by now, for sure, easily. but I'm not rich by any means and it was kind of an emergency (that's what I'm telling myself) I did pay my rent and bills and shit and I'm working as hard as I can, but idk. I think that for now I am gonna keep my contacts and just use shit or buy it and keep it in case i have to use it medicinally. because, ya know this mental shit is no joke and it really sucks when it gets bad. and i just should have gone to my dr sooner. but it was all just too easy and too convenient. but expensive. and i thought that i would have my job back in the fall. but, i just learned that they don't need me any more. so I gotta find a job for the fall, which is going to suck. because I hate looking for a job. I loathe it. I wanted to just take the summer off and go visit my mom and stay at one of her houses (the beach house) and swim in the ocean and run in the sand and lie in the sun and collect seashells and go fishing and fly kites and maybe meet and fool around with some surfer guy my cousin knows, and all that fun shit. but i dont think that is gonna happen now. and i don't wanna go "crazy" or something when I'm down there. that would be bad. god. I guess there is always the ER on the mainland. anyway. yeah. i think I have some more H around here somewhere but I'm only gonna use it in an emergency situation. I mean i would love to get high and shit, that would be cool, but for now i have to get my priorities in order because i was really counting on having this same job in the fall. shit. so im just gonna get a little stockpile of pills and powders to have at the ready, just in case I need a boost, have a shitty day, or i go "crazy" again. keep writing. ok? i like your philosophies. as a person with a mental illness it makes total sense. i mean how can i not use some kind of illegal drug to help me through the hard times? It is not really possible. not at all. and you are right. don't count the days . fuck that. just do the best you can with what you have. and yeah. and don't beat yourself up about anything. you are trying.right? just try. shit. wish i had some oxy. never done it. haaaa. oh my . anyway. gnite doll. be safe.

nanny · Apr 26, 2012

hi. i just wrote you a private message but i was mostly venting and then i like added all these hearts at the bottom. lol. sory so i guess i have to do 50 posts before i can message someone back again, right now i have to wait 180 minutes, and that is not gonna happen because i gotta get up at 5am. but its my last day of work and then 3 days off. thank god. love the job. hate the hours they are just kinda brutal. wish i still had my script for adderall. no uppers are not good for people with panic disorder. but you do get shit done. that is for sure. anyway. how are you tonight. u ok? getting any writing done? that last poem was actually really good. ive read it over several times. do you write in a journal or anything? i never do because i mean god forbid if any one every found it and saw what i was actually thing. kind of like these sites. i bet my brother could get on here in a second and read all this shit because all the passwords to all my sites are stored in here somewhere on the menu and i dont know i guess it would not matter because i would not be around anyway, so who cares really. but, do you have a typewriter or do you just do everything on your computer? i bet you do every thing on your computer.thats cool. so hope you are good. im doing ok. i had a bit of a scare today. i took my meds this morning and walked to the bus stop and i just shed a few tears , but nothing major, like before, and then it was over in 30 seconds. i think my meds had not kicked in yet and i have just been upset about this job situation as of late shit. its 9 pm here gotta take some vals and get some rest. last day of work. i think i can make it. in fact i know i can. let me know how you are doing and keep writing. and writing and writing. i think i am going to read The Heart of Darkness again. conrad is one of my favorite writers. and maybe, finally finish rereading Death of a Salesman. I just am too tired to finish it. god im so whiny. sorry. ok brush teeth.wash face. take vals. say my prayers,(don't laugh. i need all the help i can get, seriously) stretch and fade to black....gnite doll.. hope u are well. be safe.