For a variety of reasons, I am going to be back up north for at least a year. Realistically, more like several.
My feelings are somewhat mixed, but the main theme is heartbreak. Part of it is the reason I am returning north; namely, to help care for a family member who has been struck by a 100% fatal disease at a ridiculously young age. Since I found out in March, I have been a hot mess over it, unable to wrap my mind around it. She and I are extraordinarily close, and I don't know how much time I have left with her. She needs my help, so I quit my job of four years, and am moving back up there on a wing and a prayer, yet knowing God will see me through it, as He has led me to this decision. My teen son will be accompanying me, and he is overjoyed to be re-enrolling in the school system where he spent his formative years. That is a BIG positive; my child has never adjusted to living in the south and is a much happier person when he is up north amongst our family and his friends. It's an excellent school system, and I know his education will be seen to by capable, caring professionals, which is a fair contrast to our educational experiences down here.
Another part of my heartache stems from the fact that this has become home. I have grown roots here. I have friends; great, wonderful, deep friendships I have come to count on. I live in a small town where it seems I know everybody, and all the little things, like, they know me at the gas station and pull my brand of cigarettes off the shelf when they see me coming. It is beautiful here, with so much more untouched, undeveloped land than up north, where it's basically turned into urban/suburban/exurban sprawl in my home area. Here, I can sit out in my quiet acreage and hear crickets, tree frog, and our big bull frog. I can sit underneath my live oak and just stare at my pond, reflecting on life. On a clear night, it truly does feel like "stars fell on Alabama", and it smells so clean. I love my beautiful, quirky, unique house with its little idiosyncrasies. Football season is just a couple months away, and oh, how I will miss all the excitement over 'Bama and Auburn football every Saturday! I will miss being told, "have a blessed day", and being called "darlin', baby, honey", etc. People here are friendly and polite and patient. I'll miss good BBQ & friend okra and blackeyed peas.
I have not missed the fucking snow one bit, especially driving in it, and now I get the "joy" of doing so this coming winter.
At least once a day, I cry. To put the cherry on top of the Sundae of Suck, my bestie was supposed to have moved with me, but she has found herself a (wonderful!) man, and is in love for the first time in seven years. In no way do I begrudge her happiness, but having her up there with me would not only have softened the blow or me a little, but it would have been a lot of fun! She is my road dawg, my running buddy, and one of the best friends I have ever had. Thankfully, she is coming north with me to help me get settled, and will stay a couple weeks. I want her to be happy & I pray this new relationship turns out to be very special, loving, and real.
My plans are to visit every two/three months, money & time permitting. My son will want to see his daddy, and I will want to see my friends and just be HOME as often as possible.
Y'know, it's funny: The first six months or so I lived here, I would have jumped at the chance to move back up north. Now that it's happening, four years down the road, I am heartsick.
Positive things include getting to see the changing leaves, (although, I love our falls here on the Gulf Coast...day upon day of cloudless blue skies, warm not hot, no humidity, cool nights, load of sunshine...beautiful. Pay-off for the six months of unrelenting heat and tropical downpours.) Getting to spend time with my family. My son's happiness and well-being. The possibility of reconnecting with a certain special someone from my distant past. (I last saw him 31 years ago today, and I stupidly tossed away the best thing that had ever happened to me, but for some reason, I have a spark of hope for a second chance.) Christmas Eve at my aunt's house. (She goes all out & it's one of the most special nights of the year.) Seeing my regular doctor/dentist for some issues I have. (Have not had great success nor a lot of confidence in the health care providers I have dealt with here.) Familiar smells, sights, events...I know I won't be completely miserable. Returning to my beloved Church up there.
A lot of the sadness, stress, and grief is in the transition.
This has become home. I will be back. Someday, when my son is off at college, I will return here forever. Home.
My feelings are somewhat mixed, but the main theme is heartbreak. Part of it is the reason I am returning north; namely, to help care for a family member who has been struck by a 100% fatal disease at a ridiculously young age. Since I found out in March, I have been a hot mess over it, unable to wrap my mind around it. She and I are extraordinarily close, and I don't know how much time I have left with her. She needs my help, so I quit my job of four years, and am moving back up there on a wing and a prayer, yet knowing God will see me through it, as He has led me to this decision. My teen son will be accompanying me, and he is overjoyed to be re-enrolling in the school system where he spent his formative years. That is a BIG positive; my child has never adjusted to living in the south and is a much happier person when he is up north amongst our family and his friends. It's an excellent school system, and I know his education will be seen to by capable, caring professionals, which is a fair contrast to our educational experiences down here.
Another part of my heartache stems from the fact that this has become home. I have grown roots here. I have friends; great, wonderful, deep friendships I have come to count on. I live in a small town where it seems I know everybody, and all the little things, like, they know me at the gas station and pull my brand of cigarettes off the shelf when they see me coming. It is beautiful here, with so much more untouched, undeveloped land than up north, where it's basically turned into urban/suburban/exurban sprawl in my home area. Here, I can sit out in my quiet acreage and hear crickets, tree frog, and our big bull frog. I can sit underneath my live oak and just stare at my pond, reflecting on life. On a clear night, it truly does feel like "stars fell on Alabama", and it smells so clean. I love my beautiful, quirky, unique house with its little idiosyncrasies. Football season is just a couple months away, and oh, how I will miss all the excitement over 'Bama and Auburn football every Saturday! I will miss being told, "have a blessed day", and being called "darlin', baby, honey", etc. People here are friendly and polite and patient. I'll miss good BBQ & friend okra and blackeyed peas.
I have not missed the fucking snow one bit, especially driving in it, and now I get the "joy" of doing so this coming winter.
At least once a day, I cry. To put the cherry on top of the Sundae of Suck, my bestie was supposed to have moved with me, but she has found herself a (wonderful!) man, and is in love for the first time in seven years. In no way do I begrudge her happiness, but having her up there with me would not only have softened the blow or me a little, but it would have been a lot of fun! She is my road dawg, my running buddy, and one of the best friends I have ever had. Thankfully, she is coming north with me to help me get settled, and will stay a couple weeks. I want her to be happy & I pray this new relationship turns out to be very special, loving, and real.
My plans are to visit every two/three months, money & time permitting. My son will want to see his daddy, and I will want to see my friends and just be HOME as often as possible.
Y'know, it's funny: The first six months or so I lived here, I would have jumped at the chance to move back up north. Now that it's happening, four years down the road, I am heartsick.
Positive things include getting to see the changing leaves, (although, I love our falls here on the Gulf Coast...day upon day of cloudless blue skies, warm not hot, no humidity, cool nights, load of sunshine...beautiful. Pay-off for the six months of unrelenting heat and tropical downpours.) Getting to spend time with my family. My son's happiness and well-being. The possibility of reconnecting with a certain special someone from my distant past. (I last saw him 31 years ago today, and I stupidly tossed away the best thing that had ever happened to me, but for some reason, I have a spark of hope for a second chance.) Christmas Eve at my aunt's house. (She goes all out & it's one of the most special nights of the year.) Seeing my regular doctor/dentist for some issues I have. (Have not had great success nor a lot of confidence in the health care providers I have dealt with here.) Familiar smells, sights, events...I know I won't be completely miserable. Returning to my beloved Church up there.
A lot of the sadness, stress, and grief is in the transition.
This has become home. I will be back. Someday, when my son is off at college, I will return here forever. Home.