Im not too big on Shakespeare but "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is never far from my mind. Yesterday it was ringing in my ears after a two hour online chat with Joysa. We had occasionally talked-usually by phone-since that anti climatic New Years Eve soiree where I.brained her cousin's live in lover with an iPhone.
Usually the conversations involved her begging me for another chance, me angrily denying it to her and her response culminating in Joysa swearing she hates me, yadda, yadda, and motherfucking yadda. Yesterday though she was out for blood. Telling me I was full of shit, never followed through on promises and like minded romantic bon mots, she took great joy in telling me she now "belongs" to some old American cracker.
I told her I pitied the geezer and might just track him down to warn him what he was dealing with. Joysa slammed on the brakes and begged me to leave him in peace, adding, "Please, I really want to see the world." In other words, she is fucking some old man in hopes of snaring a visa to the US or whatever other Western shithole Grandpa Cottonhead stops over in.
It was a rare moment, perhaps an epiphany, as I realised just how conniving Joysa really.is. See, when I met her she sucked me in by swearing she didnt care where but she wanted to live with me...she wanted to convert to Judaism...she wanted nothing more than to spend her lfe with me. Her sincerity-or so I thought-was touching...Months later, like any capable grifter, she somehow talked me into moving her to Israel, with the understanding that I would bring her parents and brother along...I didnt commit to her scheme but offered a lackluster, "Well...IF we ever get to a point where we consider a serious commitment, I dont see why not."
From that point on she aggressively pursued her scheme and that is why I tired of her and began looking for another lover last Autumn. That is the sad thing about the Philippines. If you are white you are a walking ATM in most Filipino's eyes. You represent a way out of a shithole of a country. The most gorgeous girls you can imagine fawn over you like you are a rockstar and it goes to most mens' heads (corny double entendre, drumroll maestro), but the fact of the matter is, they dont give a shit about you, only what you can provide. It sounds oh so cynical but for better or for worse it is reality there.
Chatted with Lovely for four hours and she asked me if I really loved her...You see, her thing.now is that she just wont believe I actually love her. I wont get into the particulars at the moment but that is indeed the jist of the current impasse. I answered her honestly in telling her I do love her and that she is the only woman I have ever loved. Her response shocked.me. "If you truly love me Raki, please let me go. I dont feel stressed now, worrying about whether you will leave me (for another). Im able to sleep and I know I can forget you in time..."
What does one say to that? Love isnt selfish, it is about doing whatever it takes to make your love happy. The thing is, I love her. I am 45, I have never felt anything for any woman. In my culture there is no such thing as romantic love...I finally feel it and Im to let it go because she cannot handle others wanting me? I answered her, "You say you are happy now because you dont have to worry about losing me. Are you happier than you were in my arms?
Are you as passionate as you were with me on the roof under the stars? Are you as excited about your future as you were when we planned our life together? Dont fool yourself, if I step off there will be no chances, I will make a life with another and you will never, ever feel the way you felt with me. Im coming home soon, before your birthday (September 6th), qe will talk it out and if, face to face, you really want me to leave you, I will, but I love you, ad you love me, and this is not how this will end."
She was at the cellphone shop and began crying but told me I am right. I told her " just relax, is the pain you are creating for the both of us any different than the pain you fear from me leaving? You are so scared of losing me that you throw me away and ruin both our lives? I am yours, you know I am, I wont leave you," and on that note we signed off.
I do not know how it will turn out but I will see it through either way.
Usually the conversations involved her begging me for another chance, me angrily denying it to her and her response culminating in Joysa swearing she hates me, yadda, yadda, and motherfucking yadda. Yesterday though she was out for blood. Telling me I was full of shit, never followed through on promises and like minded romantic bon mots, she took great joy in telling me she now "belongs" to some old American cracker.
I told her I pitied the geezer and might just track him down to warn him what he was dealing with. Joysa slammed on the brakes and begged me to leave him in peace, adding, "Please, I really want to see the world." In other words, she is fucking some old man in hopes of snaring a visa to the US or whatever other Western shithole Grandpa Cottonhead stops over in.
It was a rare moment, perhaps an epiphany, as I realised just how conniving Joysa really.is. See, when I met her she sucked me in by swearing she didnt care where but she wanted to live with me...she wanted to convert to Judaism...she wanted nothing more than to spend her lfe with me. Her sincerity-or so I thought-was touching...Months later, like any capable grifter, she somehow talked me into moving her to Israel, with the understanding that I would bring her parents and brother along...I didnt commit to her scheme but offered a lackluster, "Well...IF we ever get to a point where we consider a serious commitment, I dont see why not."
From that point on she aggressively pursued her scheme and that is why I tired of her and began looking for another lover last Autumn. That is the sad thing about the Philippines. If you are white you are a walking ATM in most Filipino's eyes. You represent a way out of a shithole of a country. The most gorgeous girls you can imagine fawn over you like you are a rockstar and it goes to most mens' heads (corny double entendre, drumroll maestro), but the fact of the matter is, they dont give a shit about you, only what you can provide. It sounds oh so cynical but for better or for worse it is reality there.
Chatted with Lovely for four hours and she asked me if I really loved her...You see, her thing.now is that she just wont believe I actually love her. I wont get into the particulars at the moment but that is indeed the jist of the current impasse. I answered her honestly in telling her I do love her and that she is the only woman I have ever loved. Her response shocked.me. "If you truly love me Raki, please let me go. I dont feel stressed now, worrying about whether you will leave me (for another). Im able to sleep and I know I can forget you in time..."
What does one say to that? Love isnt selfish, it is about doing whatever it takes to make your love happy. The thing is, I love her. I am 45, I have never felt anything for any woman. In my culture there is no such thing as romantic love...I finally feel it and Im to let it go because she cannot handle others wanting me? I answered her, "You say you are happy now because you dont have to worry about losing me. Are you happier than you were in my arms?
Are you as passionate as you were with me on the roof under the stars? Are you as excited about your future as you were when we planned our life together? Dont fool yourself, if I step off there will be no chances, I will make a life with another and you will never, ever feel the way you felt with me. Im coming home soon, before your birthday (September 6th), qe will talk it out and if, face to face, you really want me to leave you, I will, but I love you, ad you love me, and this is not how this will end."
She was at the cellphone shop and began crying but told me I am right. I told her " just relax, is the pain you are creating for the both of us any different than the pain you fear from me leaving? You are so scared of losing me that you throw me away and ruin both our lives? I am yours, you know I am, I wont leave you," and on that note we signed off.
I do not know how it will turn out but I will see it through either way.