I am still in the Bronx with no firm plans to return home much to the chagrin of Mariz and her family. When Winter Break let's out in 3 weeks the family is heading to Bataan Province, where Mariz's parents are originally from, and where Mariz herself was born. The pastor, Mariz's father, is excitedly making plans to bring me along to present me to both sides of the family. It is difficult explaining to people who have never left the Philippines just how hard it is to find an inbound seat during Xmas Season.
One of the (many) things I find disgusting about the Philippines is the OFW System. OFW, or Overseas Foreign Worker, denoted Filipinos who take part in a government programme that exports more than 10 percent of the country's labour force abroad. Remittances from OFWs are what keeps the Philippine Economy afloat. One would imagine that because it is a government programme that OFWs enjoy care and assistance from the Philippine Government. Aside from an OFW liason in most embassies and some consulates there is no assistance whatsoever.
One is hardpressed to find a Filipino adolescent anywhere that doesn't dream of becoming an OFW. In a nation where upper middle class translates into $250 a month in wages, wiping an elderly person's ass in Brasil can make someone comparitively wealthy- or at least that is the commonly held fantasy. The reality of the matter is that OFWs must go abroad through government sanctioned labour agencies which commonly charge $3,000, a year and a half worth of upper middle class wages. Therefore they go heavily into debt, mortgaging or selling off anything and everything in sight. Oftentimes this requires the services of a loan shark, in Filipino speak, a "money lender." So, from the door the OFW owes nearly 2 years wages (as much as 10 years if from the lower classes as are the majority of OFWs).
Then, there is the cost of living in host nations. Here in New York City a furnished room usually costs $800. Add to that food, transportation and so on and the net result is a very meagre existence. Whatever money is left at the end of the month goes to the Philippines as a remittance. At home OFWs bask in adulation, living a life most dream of and like people anywhere, they do precious little to dispel these false impressions of life abroad.
Most OFWs only get home once every 3 years or so, and when they do go home it is inevitably for Xmas with the family. Airlines therefore gouge prices and a one way ticket from New York to Manila can cost nearly $2,000, as opposed to the usual $750. Since Mariz's family has never gone abroad they don't understand the difficulty I face in trying to get home before Winter Break.
Last week, I was invited to attend a wedding for the first cousin of the mate I am staying with. The wedding took place in Stroudsberg, Pennsylvania, about 2 hours west of New York City by auto. My mate, his wife, 2 of his kids, his mother and his sister all went in his car so I took a bus. I stayed in the Hamilton Inn where we all had rooms, a decent enough motel. The wedding took place in a place called the Stroudsberg Inn which sits atop a bluff, the town being in the Pocono Mountains.
The ceremony was in a medium sized room with a gas fueled fire place but the atmosphere was nice enough. The reception, upstairs, left alot to be desired. The food sucked. A fruited pork loin, basically 2 slices of pork loin with stewed figs and raisins. The part that floored me though was the powdered mash potatoes. What the fuck? Better to have a tiny reception with class than to have a big affair that comes off garishly. When Rizza and I had a reception in New York for close family members of mine who couldn't make it to Israel, where we held our Jewish Wedding, I paid $5,000 for 30 people in a private room at 21 Club. To me? It makes no sense to have a large reception unless you do it right.
Of course I was polite, as I usually am, and thanked the couple for inviting me (I'm sure the hundred dollar bill I gave them had something to do with their profuse gratitude at the end of the evening). I was pleased that there were no brawls. I have rarely seen a Puerto Rican party where at least one fight took place.
Laying awake back at the motel I messaged with Mariz as I fought the urge to sleep having taken my dose of methadone. The free breakfast in the morning was worth noting. Almost everytime a chain motel advertises a free breakfast you end up with a tiny box of cereal, stale donuts and a hard boiled egg. This motel did an admirable job. Grabbing a couple of yogurts for the road I hopped in a taxi and back to the Deleware Water Gap bus station for the long ride back to the city.
Thanksgiving came and went. As a Jew I do not celebrate it. Suprisingly my mate and his family didn't either. This morning he, his wife and their 2 year old daughter left for a 3 day visit to Scranton, Pennsylvania where a sister of his wife lives. Staying with me in their flat then is his son, 20 and jobless and one of her sons, 19 and flamboyantly gay. Both will undoubtedly have lovers staying over tonight.
The gay one stays in his room when his lover visits and I'm glad for it. I don't have any sort of complex about homosexuality, being very secure in my orientation, but homosexual acts are punishable by death in my culture. Judaism has eschewed capital punishment for 2,100 years, and instead ostracises such people. When I was in prison I would see such things though usually it wasn't out in the open. Still, I find it very distasteful but then I would also find a man and woman fucking in front of me to be distasteful in much the same way.
I just came from the methadone clinic and am slowly making my way to the #2 bus on Morris Avenue and E138th Street. I was a bit peeved to discover that the clinic is now changing its hours. Currently it is open from 630AM to 630PM. Starting December 17th it will close at 530PM. I guess that still leaves guest dosing at Bellevue in Manhattan if I need to go in late. Bellevue is open until 730PM.
Okey, I have been playing with DXM lately and have written about it on OD mainly because of its abilities for tolerance prevention.
I have written to OD how I reduced my clonazepam dose rapidly from 1,5mg to 0,25mg in about two weeks and my sleep was good all that time etc. Then I stopped DXM and started doing other things few weeks. Ex. Tramadol, aniracetam, noopept, DMAE, vinpocetine. Lysine also and it is definately good for benzo withdrawal (thanx Swimmingdancer for advice). It has very sedative effect with benzos and allmost it works like benzo itself.
I used tramadol now about three weeks and I've been using on/off to tramadol different time periods (few days to many months) allmost three years. Usually, when I'v stopped tramadol cold turkey after three weeks from 300-400mg/day dose I've had withdrawals (I might have developed some baseline tolerance after three years use) nasty enough. Usually been at least week very fatiqued, depressed, cold/hot, bedridden like sick and not definately motivated to do anything.
Now the day after I had stopped tramadol I took all day DXM. About 500mg. No withdrawals. Second day I took about 600mg. No withdrawals. Infact, I walked two hours that day. Never happened before in second day of withdrawals. Now it is third day and withdrawals are usually been worst on a second or thirth day after stopping. Now I have allmost none. That's amazing.
What is very interesting also, is that during those two or three weeks period my benzo dose was that 0,5mg but toward end it started to feel more and more it wasn't enough and I had to use more Lysine (up to 4,5g/day) to prevent upping that clonazepam. Now I'm not sure if that's because of noopept/aniracetam acting against benzos or maybe vinpocetine or DMAE. What is difficult for me to believe is that this urge to increase benzo dose was due to serotonin deficiency because tramadol causes nice release in serotonin (at least I suppose so). The second day of DXM use I just felt that 0,5mg clonazepam was too much and I dropped it to 0,25mg and slept very restful night of 8 hours! No withdrawals today from either clonazepam or tramadol and I haven't even take DXM today!
So my plan for now on is might be this:
Using DXM and replasing clonazepam with L-Lysine (as fast as possible with DXM use). I like experimentals.
Okey, I have been playing with DXM lately and wrote here about it mainly because of its abilities for tolerance prevention.
I have wrotten on OD some time ago how I reduced my clonazepam from 1,5mg to 0,25mg in about two weeks and my sleep was good all that time etc. Then I stopped DXM and started doing other things few weeks. Ex. tramal, aniracetam, noopept, DMAE, vinpocetine. Lysine also and it is definately good for benzo withdrawal (thanx swimmingdancer for advice)$. Has very sedative effect with benzos allmost would say it works like benzo itself.
I used tramadol now about three weeks and I've been on/off addicted to tramadol allmost three years. Usually, when I'v stopped tramadol cold turkey after three weeks from 300mg/day dose I've had withdrawals (I might have developed some baseline tolerance after three years use) nasty enough. Usually been at least week very fatiqued, depressed, cold/hot, bedridden like sick and not definately motivated to do anything.
Now day after I had stopped tramadol I took all day DXM. About 500mg. No withdrawals. Second day I took about 600mg. No withdrawals. Infact, I walked two hours that day. Never happened before in second day of withdrawals. Now it is third day and withdrawals are usually been worst on a second or thirth day after stopping. Now I have none. That's amazing.
What is interesting also, is that during those two or three weeks period my benzo dose was that 0,5mg but toward en it started to feel more and more it wasn't enough and I had to use more Lysine (up to 4,5g/day) to prevent upping that clonazepam. Now I'm not sure if that's because of noopept/aniracetam acting against benzos or maybe vinpocetine or DMAE. It is difficult to me to believe that this urge to increase benzo dose was due serotonin deficiency because tramadol causes nice release in serotonin (at least I suppose so). The second day of DXM use I just felt that 0,5mg clonazepam was too much and I dropped it to 0,25mg and slept good night of 8 hours! No withdrawals today from either clonazepam or tramadol and I haven't even take DXM today!
So my plan for now on is maybe this:
Using DXM and replace clonazepam completely with L-Lysine (or as fast as possible with DXM use). I like experimentals.
Okay, So I am a little peeved and decided to rant awhile in a blog.
I have been searching all over the internet tryna find an adress or location of the one and only NEP in Okahoma. It is appearently in OKC, but I have yet to find an adress! I'm officially pissed off. I need new sterile works and i do all i can to a harm reduction oriented individual. Damnit, Middle America makes it damn near impossible for a respopnsble/recreatonal IV drug user to use safely! the Pharmacist claims there's a law that trumps the legality of purchasing syringes. Claims there's a law that the Pharmacist does not have to sell to a person who they believe to be an IDU if they have a moral belief it's wrong or some shit?!?! WTF?!?!
The extremes I have to go to to get sterile works is ridiculous! Luckily I found a Pharmacist who didn't feel politically obligated to withhold the works.
This Concludes the KING'S Rant of the Month.
dee-ba-dee-ba-deeeeee THAT'S ALL FOLKS!
HAA!
I can't sleep. My mind just won't shut off and allow my body to slumber.
Today marks the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death. It was actually about this time of the day as well. I never ever thought I'd take it as hard as I did and still am. His death wasn't unexpected and he lived a long full life and was 95 when he died. It absolutely shattered me though and I still can't quite figure out how to pick up all the pieces. Pretty much any time I think of him I just burst into tears. It doesn't matter where I am so I often end up getting quite embarrassed.
Most (if not all) of my memories of him are good and happy. I guess that's probably why this has been so hard for me. He was so purely good. No doubt the best man I've ever met. He was humble and quiet. He loved me for me and even at my worst, he could see beyond that and I knew it and that love carried me through. I think my relationship with him has been one of the few "normal" cookie cutter things in my otherwise pretty fucked up life. He always made me feel like there was hope without saying anything.
The love he and my grandmother shared was incredible. Up to the end, you could still see the love radiating off of them when they were together. Actually, I think the first time I ever saw them apart was at his funeral. It just wasn't right to see her without him. My heart still breaks for her. Next week will be weird to see her again without him. I was supposed to see him at Thanksgiving last year. Part of me wishes that I was able to see him one last time, but also part of me was glad that I remember him as being healthy and strong. I don't know if I would have been able to handle seeing him carting around an oxygen tank and knowing that it would be the last time.
I know that he knew that I loved him and I know that he loved me, but sometimes I wish I could go back and just say it to him. I miss him.
Alright I'm not really in the mood for a writing a blog but I watched a video on youtube that really inspired me to write a blog in which I describe my recent revelation in regards to the Krishna and devout Christian faith.
The conclusion is this: they are animals.
I have been debating in my own mind why these people find it impossible to recognize and process the fact that I am vehemently opposed to any lifestyle which attempts to control and secure power through manipulation and hiding the facts.
The kirshna's for centuries have placed a shroud over ancient wisdom in an effort to ensure their own survival. They survive through stealing and acquiring contributions from generous and caring sources. Afterwards they respond to this generosity by abusing and fornicating its source.
This type of behavior is similar to survival methods of various wild species who share sustenance amongst the community for a common goal. Human beings on the other hand specifically attain their own sustenance as this is a means of assured growth and prosperity of the community as a whole. The krishna's have blatantly refused to follow this procedure and have thus reduced their existence to a mere animal.
That is all in regards to theory...
In other news found a major supporter for deathbylollipop named Diablo-D3 very cool dude.
Oh and deathbylollipop has changed from a non-profit organization to a For Profit organization.
I would come before you all normally to give a sob story about how bad drugs are. There would be a tale of extremes and spiraling out of control. In context there would be a sense of no self-respect. I am no victim. The choices I have made are a result of my own arrogance and desire to spread the truth. The truth I want to speak of is no more than a minute of your time.
Some go through life without touching an illegal psychoactive compound. They graduate college. Pursue work in the private sector or with the government. This lifestyle glows in their eyes. Yellow. A sense of bliss, liveliness, optimism. Society smiles down on these people and they smile back. Neighborhood barbecues. Birthday parties with screaming children and bowling.
A refreshment of morning coffee. Hobbyist and well-being conversations.
Saturday morning children's cartoons.
Its a bright and shining life. The brighter the light, the darker its shadow.
One day you awake in a body of someone that cannot feel comfort without a substance in which is nearly unattainable. Remember that world where the neighbor invited you over for barbecue? Now the neighbor calls the police instead. Your morning coffee is a forbidden fruit. You are no longer free, you have awoken in the realm of the devil. Surrounded on all sides. You are trying to fit in. You are the lost soul nobody wants. No matter how much pain and suffering you endure, the drug free world will feel no empathy. A cold desire to eliminate your existence hovers in the air like a thick fog.
If you were human, you would have graduated college instead of rolling on the floor laughing after a good hit while class was going on. If you were human, you would have quit that job instead of being fired. If you are not human, then what are you?
The "good" majority will never know the truth. They will never know what it is like to be in the situations of the drug world. The high level drug dealers, violence, robbery, a vulture named death, Jesus Christ what a life.
The "good" majority cannot comprehend drug use. They cannot see the moral difference between meth or heroin. They cannot fathom the horrible people who carry date rape drugs.
If the good people had a choice to eliminate all the bad people in the world, would they silence me? A child of God and promoter of safety. Would they lock up a man that has never even contemplated theft, assault or murder? Is it right to kick a man that is down, a man cornered on all sides?
When will the world learn the subjectivity of right and wrong. When will it be right to be peaceful, seek knowledge and explore psychoactive substances? Clearly I am wrong and there will be no further reasoning as to why.
The art of debate is dead. Currency took its head.
That's my spiel. I learned it from him. He learned it from someone else.
So that's not my spiel.
Think for yourself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIsXZVhvvGs
Oh. That's not my spiel either. I learned it from him. He learned it from Voltaire. He learned it from someone else.
So that's not my spiel either.
I want to say something new.
I want to say something original.
I wan't to say something.
But nothing that I have learned can be original.
Maybe it's just that I can rearrange what I can put it together - maybe that is what is original.
Why do I even want to say anything original. What's so good about originality. Why do I even want to say something at all?
It's late.
I'm tired.
And tomorrow is another day.
Too much thinking.
For one day.
But what separates night from day? It is a continuous flow..........
Create your own flow of time.
24 hours in day.
It's late, I have work tomorrow.
Another day in paradise.
Yawn.
Fucking, fucking, Nazi scumbags won't let me post 2 videos in one message. What's the fucking difference if I want to fill it with links to shitty videos. I need a work around.
Peace and quiet.
Serenity.
Storm in a tea cup.
At least no one died.
Uh??
I hate killing. Let's just all cut it out, shall we?
If language can change anything, it can make us care about other people - not detatch us from believing that they are real.
The story isn't real. I'm not a Jew, or a Christian, or a man. But I am something. I exist in the form of a human, as we call it. A brave soul. Mommy's little soldier.
Love life.
Never stop caring.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
It's hard man.
It's hard.
It's hard.
When no one knows just how it goes.
Connect to the past, the present, and steer the future with the wisdom of the ages.
Because if history tells us anything, it's that we never learn from history.
No community.
No society.
No people.
Individuals? Yes.
Cast your net into history, drag it back for the future. Because everything counts.
I have gone through the withdrawals many times, but the last time has fucked me up so bad. They are so intense, before they were tolerable. But on Sunday, I lost control from the waist down, all the muscles in my legs went rigid, then spasmed uncontrollably for a minute. Then it was over. I knew something was up when I couldn't speak/ see/ hear properly, but before that my hands went numb, then my arm. It was horrible. I can't wrtie anymore, my vision is so blurry and fucked at the momemt. Oh god I am so scared. When will this stop?
today, of my off day. i spent it chasing wifi signals. since the library wont let me get on steam(online multi player tyoe games, counterstrike etc), and has blocked tinychat from working i've been on the prowl lurking from 1 shopping center to the next looking for wifi signals..it used to not be this hard. until here recently.
hell the place where i'm 'curently' living doesnt have internet.. so i have to makedo without the shit, which then i feel disconnected from the world. unplugged, and not to mention half the time im there im playing on my computer, playing snes and n64 emulators,also watching movies..
i did go catch the $1 movies today, went n checked out the movie 'Brave',which was pretty cool, i'm always about animated movies.
anyways still havn't mentoined anything about 'our relationship' with the girl that i've been staying with. havn't told her much of anything yet. i dont really want for her to think that we are getting serous. i've taken her to the movies in stuff, but noting really other then that. i mentoined in my recent blog post that took some of her lortabs without her knowing, hell you dont stumble across that many blue 10's.
here i sit at the closest wifi signal, which is a hair salon.. mc d's internet went out im guessing(cheap shits) so i'm unable to get on the web there. i am able to sit in their parking lot and get on the web, would kinda bring susp.if they saw me the only car in the hair salon parking lot.. luckly i can be away from it.
i've been using the same mc donalds cup for a few days now. its a sturdy plastic large cup which gives me unlimited access to the drink machines .
after i leave here i'm heading over to chicks place, and stay another night there. i have 1 bowl left, debating weather or not smoke it tonight, or do it tommrow before work. wish it were payday already, this not having any money fucking sucks!
After leaving the pastor, Mariz's father, I made my way back to Mariz's home for that little heart to heart talk. As soon as I sat down she tore into me, accusing me essentially of running a "Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am" scam on her. I reminded her that I had never asked her to leave her home in the middle of the night and that it hadn't taken too much convincing to get her into bed. I then explained that I was returning to New York to follow up on my healthcare concerns. Pursuing her Masters in Surgical Nursing and with her elder sister MJ- my mate's girlfriend- working as an RN Mariz is very well aware of the shoddy doctors and hospitals in the Philippines.
It is true that I did have to finish taking care of my healthcare issues but that wasn't my main reason for flying to the States. Longtime readers may recall me talking about my first cousin Shlomo "Solomon" Dwek. Arrested in 2009 for kiting two checks totalling $56 Million in New Jersey, he went over to the "dark side," serving as an FBI informant to uncover the connection between Italian organised crime and New Jersey politicians.
Having made his fortune in real estate and development Shlomo had been running a Pyramid Scheme that defrauded investors of nearly $400 Million. Unfortunately, most of that debt was to other Syrian Jewish clans. Our community is incredibly tight knit, much more so than even other Jewish groups. Our clans form "Hamula," or "Clan Associations" which provide a decent income to all vested members via interest from real estate, business investments and so on. Business is conducted via word of honour and so Shlomo was able to run up quite a steep tab. Most reprehensibly of all, he robbed my father of nearly $64 Million. When things began falling apart he panicked and deposited a check for $25 Million at a bank in Eatontown and then almost immediately wired out the balance to offshore accounts. Then, 2 days later, he did the same with a check for $31 Million at a bank in Asbury Park, on the Jersey Shore.
The scheme was borderline retarded since he did so in person, at the branches, in long standing accounts- as if he wanted to be caught...and caught he was. Wired up by the FBI under the alias David Ensbach he then went about filing huge development plans in various towns and cities throughout North Jersey. By the time it was over 46 men had been arrested including 3 mayors from the towns of Hoboken, Secaucus and Ridgefield and the Vice Mayor of Jersey City. Known as "Operation Bid Rig II" it also, in a move that bespeaks the greed of Federal Prosecutors, targetted rabbis in our community. Shlomo would approach these rabbis, all elderly, and explain that he wanted to launder some proceeds of a grey market real estate transaction.
In Jewish Law we are bound to the laws of the land we live in UNLESS they conflict with Jewish Law. Money Laundering is not a crime in Jewish Law. Because both Shlomo's father Yitzchak (Isaac), and my father Yosef (Josepf) are reknowned rabbis he was pretty much given carte blanche to launder the money, resulting in several rabbis being among the 46 people arrested. Longtime readers may also recall that this whole sordid affair generated a thread in CE and P Forum about one of the arrestees, a man in Brooklyn who makes his living brokering organ transplants. Say one badly needs a kidney transplant and cannot or will not wait on the requisite list for the needed organ. Paying up to $200,000 to this man you can have the organ in your body within 2 weeks. While I personally find it very distasteful I do not think he was breaking any American Laws, he certainly wasn't breaking Jewish Law.
When news of his arrest broke the community and my family were in absolute shock...and disgraced beyond all imagining. After quickly working out a restitution plan to effected Syrian clans, his father took to the pulpit and not only denounced Shlomo's actions, he declared him a "Rodef." The word doesn't translate into English but denotes a Jew who denounces or entraps other Jews at the behest of non-Jewish authorities. Such actions are considered worse than murder to us. Finally, his father declared him dead and he was ritually mourned and is forever persona non grata- not to mention having a target on his forehead.
Syrian Jews aren't the only people trying to kill Shlomo. One of the companies targetted and netted was 4 Star Development, a La Cosa Nostra-controlled enterprise under the DeCalvacante Mafia Family. While the 5 New York Families:
1) Gambino
2) Lucchese
3) Colombo
4) Bonnano
5) Genovese
are much better known, the Northern New Jersey Family, the DeCalvacantes, are just as entrenched. Based in Elizabeth and serving as the model for HBO's former hit "The Sopranos," the DeCalvacantes make their bread and butter in construction and real estate. Strangely, Shlomo and his FBI handlers never went after Jewish organised crime, which probably would have been a much easier endeavour.
Released on $10 Million bail after the operation closed, Shlomo, his wife and 5 children were taken into the bosom of the FBI and secreted in a surburban Maryland community. Always his own worst enemy Shlomo couldn't leave well enough alone and inexplicably "forgot" to return a rental car earning him a charge of Auto Theft. Bail revoked, he spent the next 15 months in Manhattan's MCC, or Metropolitan Corretional Center, the Federal lockup for Eastern District New York.
I was to fly to New York to take part in some clan business regarding Shlomo's sentencing in early October. Facing 30 years he walked away with 6 years Federal and 4 years New Jersey running concurrent. In simpler terms, he will serve 48 months. At sentencing the Federal Prosecutor tried to whittle that paltry sentence down even further but ran up against a judge who was livid over Shlomo's rental car fiasco.
So, Mariz agreeing that it was best that I resolve my outstanding health issues and ecstatic that I had "agreed" to convert spent a rather pleasant day with me (and even more pleasant night in the guesthouse). After breakfast the next morning she said her tearful goodbyes and I left for Makati. Getting my stuff together I flew out that night via Tapei in Taiwan and arrived in a cooler, more seasonable New York.
So I've been drinking 300ml of 80-proof booze a day for months and this last week I upped to over 400ml. I didnt think it was enough to cause any kind of withdrawals symptons so I was surprised when I started physically shaking after only 5 hours of not drinking. My drinking style is taking huge gulps of pure booze. I think this has caused my tolerance to skyrocket. I feel like for me to be satisfied I need to drink at least a pint of booze a day now. And to think a year ago I would be contented with only one or two shots per day.
I decided to spend a few days abstinent and it is so miserable. I realize I come to need the alcohol to protect me against the bad energies from my enviroment.
I realize now why so many people die from alcohol and other drugs without ever finding any recovery, despite living at a time where there is so much help available. Life sober can be extremely uncomfortable, unbearable, and no amount of rehabs, rellapse prevention classes and psychoanalysis are going to change that.
So i've never been a fan of grunge/hard rock/metal music before starting heroin. I used to always be into pothead and psychedelic music but now i've become a walking cliche: A heroin addict who listens to nothing but Grunge and Hard Rock.
Seriously tho it's nice to finally learn to appreciate a genre of music that you've always hated. Some shit that i've been jamming non-stop recently: Deftones, Nirvana, Alice In Chains, RHCP, Pearl Jam, Metallica.
I can't stop spending my fucking paycheck ALL on drugs week in and week out. I really need to save up money to buy a new car because my current one is POS. I always tell myself, "this week I won't buy a bundle of heroin, a gram of MXE, and an eighth of weed". But everytime pay day rolls along I immediately cash that fucker and buy a bundle of heroin. Then I either spend the rest on more dope, MXE, weed, or any drug available.
If I was smart and saved all my hard earned money then I would be able to get a decent car by now. Instead i'm still stuck with my fucking beater. And I only use heroin 4 days a week usually (though I binge the fuck). Being a borderline addict/chipper isn't easy man seriously. Also i've gotten an addiction to MXE on top of my heroin addiction. I use 200mg of MXE a day for several monts now, my tolerance is through the rough and I barely even get high off the stuff anymore but I just can't stop taking it. I guess that dopamine energy kick has me using it even after I can't get a good high any more.
Anyway when i'm not using MXE i'm using and heroin...when i'm using heroin i'm using MXE. I'm hopelessly addicted to both of these substances and I fear that things will get worse before they get better because honestly I still want to use Dope/MXE. I'm not at that point where I WANT to quit, I just know that I have to at somepoint before I hit rock bottom.
There are a lot of blog posts about heroin addiction!
I've been off all drugs (except caffeine and nicotine) for over five years now. AMA
I'm back in college. I am halfway to a bachelor's. I'm trying to work in non-profits either in a fundraising or management capacity.
So there's this woman I dated. Well, I met her for coffee twice... anyway now she's engaged and has fake tits.
I know that my mind is still sick because I fantasize about what I would say if I bumped into her. I mean, they're huge. And they are obviously not the same tits she had when we had coffee.
That shit is so disgusting to me! Would I pretend not to notice? Would I act like I approved?
What I would probably do is see her before she saw me and intentionally avoid her. I learned that skill from the best.
Someone commented on a blog post I made two years ago that perhaps I should take my experience with addiction to TDS. I think that's a great idea.
fuck i just remembered that tonight, my dealer, of all people, warned me to keep it down with the pills, and went on, asking me questions about how often i use and shit. i don't remember the whole conversation.. but fuck is it that obvious i have a problem? how does he know?! he hardly knows me.. i haven't told him anything, other than shown him some a while back. maybe people around me are talking shit? or do i come across as that fucked up? i guess i was a bit high and sleep deprived, but fiuck i didn't think it was obvious to other people! do i look like a fucked up drug addict? does everyone i know know? oh god. i need to move away from here, i think that's what i need to do.. people know too much. this is why i shouldn't leave my room..
Unfortunately, the Jews have always been everyone's favourite scapegoat. One would have imagined that this would have changed with the creation of Israel in 1948 but the dynamic merely shifted a few degrees. Whenever Arab Governments have internal dissent they lash out at Israel as a sort of safety valve to relieve that internal pressure.
Take Syria as an example; Syria has spent the last 19 months fighting a very bloody civil war in which the state has murdered an estimated 300 women and children a day. I use the word "murdered" as opposed to Collateral Damage because in many cases these killings have been cold blooded executions of non-combatants. As more and more pressure has been applied to the Assad Regime it has responded with provocations against Israel, in an effort to precipitate an Israeli response. Last Friday a mortar shell crossed into Israel and landed in a village street. The next day 3 Syrian tanks crossed into Israel before being attacked and repelled. The next day after that saw 3 more mortar shells land in Israel. Finally Israel sent a "message" via a guided missile that vapourised a Syrian artillery battery.
Most likely related to this Syrian ploy has been the incessant rocket salvos fired by HAMAS into Israel over the last month. Since Saturday more than 120 rockets have landed on Israeli soil in addition to the several dozen intercepted by the IDF's Iron Dome interceptor battery. HAMAS is partner to a 4 way alliance between it, Hezbollah in Lebanon, Iran, and of course Syria. The HAMAS Poltiburo is located in Damascus and so the relationship between the Assad Regime and HAMAS is very tight.
As Israel began absorbing more and more rocket and mortar attacks from Gaza an IDF response became inevitable. Early this morning the IAF, or Israel Air Force, began sorties over Gaza with the very first airstrike neutralising Ahmed Jabbari, the overall commander of the HAMAS military wing. Since then more than 80 sorties have taken place backed by offshore shelling from Israeli naval vessels. As I speak IDF Reserve forces are being positioned at the rear of Active Duty forces which are poised to cross into Gaza. The UN Security Council- as worthless as it is- is meeting here in New York tonight in. Emergency Session to try and diffuse the situation.
My first inclination is to rush home to Israel and try to mobilise but I have been retired for nearly 5 years now. Instead I will experience this conflict as I did Operation Cast Lead in 2008 and 2009, living vicariously through my 3 children in Israel, 2 officers on Active Duty and the 3rd a Command Sergeant in the Reserves.
I am sure that the world will condemn us for daring to attack after hundreds of rockets have caused 1 million Israelis to sleep in bomb shelters for the last month. People can be so blindly ignorant. Were even 1 rocket to land in the US Americans would be screaming for bloody revenge. Only Israel is held up to a different standard.
so i am almost 17 weeks now... my due date is april 15
i have successfully finally weened myself completely off my benzos!
although i take a half mg occassionally when i really freak out which my doc said was ok... risks vs benefits type dealio
i was able to stop taking my ADD meds... Vyvanase... the first week i found out i was pregnant... this then led to me gaining 7 pounds in one week...but thats what happens when you stop taking an appetite suppressant on a daily basis lol...at any rate my weight gain has stabilized to a normal rate...i am now 148 lbs at 5'4" which is totally healthy at this stage according to my doctor
but... i do still get very insecure... just have to keep telling myself i am pregnant and healthy
As much as my bf pisses me off sometimes especially when he drinks he is great other times and helps alot that he still thinks i am sexy and beautiful...
also if you have read any past blog entries i used to do alot of iv drugs and i drank like a sailor but now i am completely clean and sober!!!
The last two nights in a row though i had using dreams or should i say nightmares...
But maybe just maybe i am really changing things around!
I love you, Grandpa. Always 
