drews goodbye letter

spork · Apr 12, 2013

Drew, my heart is truly aching for you right now. I know you've been through hell, but please remember that you've been back too. You might be in hell yet again, but I absolutely know that you can come back once again. You have resilience and I've always seen that and admired it in you. This doesn't have to be the end, you are young and still have a lifetime to be happy. Please rethink this and do whatever it takes to love and forgive *yourself*. YOU are who you need to take care of now. When you work more on you, life will bring you peace and happiness.

You're not a bad guy or a loser at all. You're loved and cared for in this world. (((

)))

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socko · Apr 13, 2013

I can relate to some of what you're going through. Immediately before the instant I realized my own life was no longer worth living, I had a crystal clear picture of my own situation. I had Female Problems. I too had a Psycho Bitch stalking me in Bham. Maybe we knew the same woman?

And realized how upward mobility is becoming increasingly difficult in this country. I believe we're moving toward a Caste system. Those of us who were born into poor families and spent childhood in deprived environments waste energy just trying to catch up and have an increasingly difficult time escaping that unfortunate situation. The dream of living a prosperous life or even entering a comfortable Middle Class life is much harder than it was for the Baby Boomers and the generation before them. I didn't see an obvious way out that was easy or very tolerable.

And you're right about the snobbery in B'ham. You're still in B'ham, right? Those with any money at all seem to flaunt it in the tackiest ways possible and rub it in the faces of the poor. And the New Money (Plumber/Contractor millionaires in tacky places like Graystone Country Club for example) is the worst. The only worse (stingy, snobbish piece-of-shit rich people) place where I've spent much time was Irvine California and La Jolla, California. La Jolla is so hateful toward the poor that they have city ordinance against homeless people sitting on public benches. A bunch of rich old ladies there have sit-ins to occupy the public benches on Girard Ave and prevent the homeless from having a rest.

Anyway, I think your state of mind is a normal and sane reaction to a shitty situation -- some of it I guess is the increasing economic and social inequities that exist in country that's on its way down the toilet. My choice was to slog on. I got a change of scenery and trained for a different job. I can't say things will get better for you, but I hope you will hang in there and see if they do.

TJ5 · Apr 13, 2013

I'm laughing at myself cause I've been through most of this whole scene you wrote about. I'm twice ur age & can't lie bout the fact there is a huge amount of suckage in life unfortunately. And yeah due to the fact I've suffered some serious depressive episodes on & off my whole life, still do, it's probably not ideal for me to comment as I don't want to bring you down even more. Due to my own intensive moodiness, depressive episodes at the best of times suck on overdrive, that said it's not my intention to color you with more negativity. During my happier or at least neutral moods, I'm better able to convey or transfer perhaps a bit of hope or possibilities of it when I'm not in a dark valley without a star in sight to offer a hint of navigating the hell out of the apathy, despair, or whichever combo of mental mind fucks that are too capable of sucking the life force right out of you. And as I know so well, do so even if technically alive. I've never attempted suicide yet for my own reasons, but not cause of any assets of character so much as fear of worse states of hell or more of the same except without being attached to a body.

I had to chuckle to myself reading about the upper middle class because I was born and raised in the so called white upper middle class. I always knew however from the time I was 10 my family, not ME, would ever HAVE any $ that I personally didn't earn & that marriage and kids just somehow would ever be in the cards for me. The reason being mainly that I've always insisted on doin things my way, not how my parents, society, or a potential husband of means way. While on one hand going by how others behaved around me and said, I had been easy on the eyes back in the day which has its blessings and curses. Still, I can only say my biggest downfall in all honesty was probably myself, or rather my attitude. At 25, I certainly wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough, or hell anything enough. I thought I had no special talents, never did, never would in any given area of life therefore I might as well accept the fact I'm a cut above lowlifes at best and looking back, too bad I didn't know or have some of the experience THEN as NOW.

If that had been the case, I could and probably would have not tripped on shit I had only feared more than anything and therefore find myself lamenting how I would have projected and consequently been and become a more self suffiecient financially, more confident, less fearful person, certainly not the full blown dope addicted person that will probably never work in my once professional capacity licensed in medical field. I wish I would of been able to make different choices, but looking back and remembering how I spent my 30th bday--arrested and behind bars, my first time ever being in trouble with the law and never did tell my family until some 15 yrs later. At the time I mistakenly thought I had nothin goin for me, but hell yeah I did. I was still young enough to make some kind of life for myself, which I guess in a sense I did. I managed to wean down my habit to 2/3rds less than what it had been, enabling me to work and yeah I never did earn much above poverty level, but that had been due to this whole fearful mindset and believing what others said about me being an idiot blah blah.

That was all a bunch of bullshit. Too bad I had myself convinced they were right. I know now that with all my faults I've never been intellectually an idiot. Emotionally in some ways can't deny. I can only say maybe whatever crap others may have you believing about yourself, think again cause the most important of anyone of all is you. You live what you believe. Peace.

cj · Apr 13, 2013

Socko has it right bham sucks. I am getting as far away from there as possible after graduation. But hang in there man life can get better.