Poverty in the United States/The State of our Addicts

[Keif' Richards]

Here we are everyone. Every day that I expect life has gotten as bad as it can get, for myself or for all of my fellow addicts, wage laborers and indentured servants. Every day that I come to a new revelation regarding the state of our society, I am later made to feel naive to the true nature of things. I have a blog that follows my own descent into absolute bullshit. I want everyone who has time to read this to get the idea of what is happening out there and what is possible for you and the people that you love.

A lot of you know that I am a ¨Child of Addiction¨ in that my Father was an Alcoholic/Cocaine addict throughout the majority of my childhood prior to getting sober. However, I was fortunate to grow up in a household with two parents in which I was never in danger of going hungry. We never had to be in the bread lines or to be on food stamps. For growing up in the area I grew up in, we were considered a more well-off family. My Dad had a BMW. My Mom had a Mercedez. We had a nice apartment in a nicer part of the city. My family, who has been financially stable for most of my life are now in danger of bankruptcy. My Father, who has been a salesperson, selling stuff like computers that guide missiles and other military hardware, was recently laid off. I found out he actually was laid off 3 months ago. My own parents are now in financial danger. It is heartbreaking. As I love my Mother, my Dad and I have always been a bit more frosty. Still, it´s a major shock to me.

I live in Burlington, VT. As a lot of you know, I was in a multi-month on-boarding process/training for a recovery center here in a nearby town. It was a mangement gig that was actually the most I´d ever been offered for a job ever. They were opening on the strength of Opioid settlement money. It is now apparent that they have mismanaged the money. The majority of the first-wave has been laid off and they are not giving us our pay. My point is, this is a ¨recovery center¨, allegedly dedicated to the hopes and dreams of those who want to do better and get better, and they have no problem not paying their employees and are apparently unafraid of the consequences. I have never worked for a company ever, as I can remember, that has not paid me. I´ve never been forced to fight for my pay from any organization, be it a kitchen or anywhere else. People do not give a fuck.

See I had an experience with the Department of Labor. They are the ones who need to help me get my wages. They take 4-6 months to get people their unemployment insurance, so how long would it take to get my couple weeks of wages?

So now the time invested in commuting to this job, doing the trainings and helping them set up? I´m not only fired, but I now have not been making any money in theory for a couple of weeks and must start from scratch. I am now working at a gas station, but that is not even full time yet.

Here is the part that is most frightening to me and that I feel could apply to many of us, even those in recovery. See, I take several prescriptions. I am ineligible for Medicaid for a while as my income on file is too high. Ditto for food stamps and most other assistance. My doctor threw me a curveball at a very bad time and said he needed to see me before he would refill my medication. As I have no insurance right now (I couldn´t keep paying COBRA) that would be money I don´t have. Then there is the cost of prescriptions.

Gabapentin, Methadone, Vyvanse, Clonidine, Biologic for Lupus/Arthritis...

I consistently have run into walls trying to get any help from the state or county with this shit. My income is too high and the agencies are all incredibly inundated with requests for help. Everything that could help would take too long to actually come through in time to help. Part of my staying afloat would mean, if I suddenly start withdrawing from all of these medications, I would be pretty incapable of functioning. So, I´m now feeling the fear of imminent withdrawal from this shit, which will then cascade into increasingly worse shit for my life. My only option would be to check into the hospital and try to, I´m not sure, go to a detox or rehab or something? You see, even last year, there would have been a way of accomplishing this shit. There is little to no assistance left in this state. If you´ve made any money in the previous year, you´re fucked. If you´re too poor to afford it, help would take too long to get to you.

These are all things that I took completely for granted. I never was concerned about not getting my prescriptions. I always had insurance. I always had a job. When I endured this break up with my girlfriend, I had not a fucking clue of how bad things were going to be. See, I had been blissfully unaware of how bad things had truly gotten in the past 12 months. I had been steadily employed and although I was living paycheck to paycheck, I was always comfortable; especially by comparison to now.

I have a college degree and I can theoretically get good jobs. I´m applying for these jobs, but if I´m in withdrawal from all of these medications, I would be totally fucked. I don´t have a working cell phone now as that has been shut off. This means a lot of higher-level jobs are not even going to want to fuck with me until I have a working phone. Who would want to entertain hiring someone without a working phone? Verizon does not allow you to pause service if you´re already overdue on your balance, so that continue to tick up every day even as I don´t have a phone.

I am writing this and my other posts because I want people to adjust their expectations regarding their lives. Those of us who have dependencies; either prescriptions or street drugs, we are all very close to a precipice that, once you´re over, it really seems that society is trying to squeeze you out. I feel like, if I were able to get a good job again and be earning money, I wouldn´t be getting this squeezed out by society feeling that I´m experiencing. There are more and more people, daily, sleeping in their cars. I have seen people sleeping in the parking lot at the grocery store in fucking Audi´s.

I know it´s been easy in the past to make mistakes with money. There was always the possibility of coming back from your problems. When I went through all of this bullshit with my girlfriend, never would I have expected life to be so utterly cold and brutal on the other side. I was totally unprepared. If I had been ready for what was ahead of me, I could have done things differently. If I had been more conservative, tried harder, conserved more, I wouldn´t be in this situation. We are all here on Bluelight because we are drug users. A lot of us have addictions and dependencies. I´m sure a lot of you are just like me. You are feeling the squeeze right now.

If you are in a relationship, think twice before walking out the door. I should have pushed my rights as a renter, but I felt too badly for my girlfriend, who I feel at this point does not care at all about me, as she is aware that I´m out here suffering. I should have fought harder to protect what I had. Even having a month to prepare for this exit could have put me in a better place. It could have kept me from homelessness. Now I´m racing against the clock. I have to find a way to cover my medical costs on my own. I am one step away from panhandling. The problem with panhandling is, once you´re face is known to everyone in your community, it is known. People look down on you, pity you and see you as the ¨other¨ in society.

My family, who was in decent shape for most of my life are in danger of bankruptcy. I have a college degree and I´m homeless and in danger of complete fucking collapse. I´ve worked my entire life. I´ve never experienced anything close to this severity in my life. I am racing against a clock that is constantly shrinking the amount of available time. Food continues to get more expensive, I am almost out of medications and at this point, I´m used to life as a bum.

If you are using drugs and feel you can do better, now is the time to try to do better. If you have a job and you´re thinking about giving your boss the finger because it´s payday, think again. I know a lot of us are problably thinking like I was, that life was the same as it had always been. I wasn´t reading the signs clearly enough in society around me. If I had been paying attention and taken it more seriously, I wouldn´t be in this position.

I´m pretty much witnessing the twilight of my life now. That´s what it feels like. I know that I´m going to continue working as much as I can. I´m going to continue to keep my sobriety and go to meetings. They are the only thing that give me any kind of stability in this world. If I were to start drinking, I would almost certainly be out of options. I´d become totally useless and I would no longer be able to do all of the running around required to stay alive right now. You all should make the same considerations. We all need to be so careful right now. We have a government that would gladly see all of us out of society, whether you´re a former addict like myself on the clinic, a street addict or even just a wage-slave, there is less and less place for us in this society.

Everyone, please make a plan. Especially if you have people who depend on you, make a plan. Save money and consider your actions before wasting money. Take this as my warning. A lot of people on here might say that I know what I´m talking about. While I´m not an economist, I´m an expert on misery at this point in my life. You all need to be so, so careful with yourselves. I´m gonna continue to pray for everyone worse off than myself. I don´t even need charity, I just need a job. I thought I had that. Unscrupulous people are getting more unscrupulous every day as resources thin. The likelihood of getting a hand up is just less and less every day.

Be careful out there everybody. Be fucking careful and learn from Keif´s mistakes. Be smarter than I was.

 

[Just A Guy]

Hey there, Keif.

Your story is a lot like my own. The squeeze is real. In 2025 I went six months without water utility. But as soon as I saved up enough to turn that on, the electric bill was overdue and too high to work out a payment plan, and then I lost that for six months. Fortunately after months of overwhelm, and bitter cold (the worst nights I was invited to spend nights in my best friend's vehicle (with my Labrador) I was able to get enough help from enough agencies and people to get the electric and gas back. Without the help I would have held on for as long as possible, spiraling into ever worse overwhelm and facing life threatening circumstances.

But reading your words, I can see a kindred spirit in you. You've been broken, but worked your way toward sobriety and help, only to be trapped like you are now .

Your suffering is intelligible--but no system is listening. And people talk about recovery as if dignity were optional.

I just want you tell you that I see you. You are not invisible. Keep articulating your situation like you are. Poverty makes recovery exponentially harder. That’s not an excuse — it’s a fact.

But you’re still thinking clearly, writing honestly, and refusing to dehumanize yourself, and that matters — even if the world hasn't rewarded it yet.

I'm also sober from stimulants after years of chronic abuse. Clonidine, guanfacine, and amoxetamine are in my future, thankfully, because I've got veteran benefits. Otherwise, executive dysfunction and trying to work and take care of a home while freezing, hungry, sick, and exhausted would be unsustainable.

If you want, I can share what helped me stabilize without reopening old addiction circuits, but a lot of it is stuff I'd rather share in a PM.

And feeling angry? Anger doesn’t mean you’re failing recovery — it means something unjust is still happening.

You’re naming something people avoid: recovery doesn’t happen in a vacuum — it happens inside rent, food costs, trauma histories, and broken systems.

Poverty isn’t a character flaw, and it isn’t neutral — it actively interferes with healing.

The fact that you can still see this clearly tells me your integrity is intact, even if your options aren’t. That matters.

Vermont is a long way from Iowa, but I'm sending you prayers and good spirits. Money I still don't have. Holidays are so tough, as you know. Holidays are for people with surplus. Surplus of wealth, surplus of food, surplus of energy. It's been years since I've actually celebrated a Christmas or a Thanksgiving.

Ties with Family are strained because I've felt unworthy of them for so long. I feel you. Keif.

You’re not wrong for being angry. Just don’t let that anger convince you that you’re disposable — you’re not.

Stay strong. Hate to use this phrase, but keeping embracing the suck. Something will happen that will change the game.

 

[Just A Guy]

By the way. That you have been staying sober in spite of overwhelm, exhaustion, and being stuck in survival mode is huge. It's so admirable, and a chief success.

I started out by figuring out ways to lower my daily load. Being barred from driving is a strain on energy and time and ability when it comes to getting things from the store, making appointments, whatnot. I made a diet of dry storage foods (since I was without power for so long. No refrigeration -- less of a problem now that it's freezing outside --and just had everything ordered from Amazon. That released me from my 2 hour grocery trips and the exhaustion of wearing a backpack with three or four other bags tied to it too get the stuff back and forth... This and other refinements/streamlining were made.

Then I got on the lifeline program for cell phones -- took about 1 week to get one from TAG Mobile that does everything I need from a phone (at no expense to me).

But anyway, brother. Big picture optimism ain't gonna be had, but incremental increases to your stability will, I hope.

You already seem like the kind of person who has taken the world on his shoulders for a long time, so it's obvious you learned long ago that nobody can carry your burden for you, not that you ever expected that, but we can share and compare notes and bolster each other as we overcome.

 

[Keif' Richards]

Hey @Just A Guy this is kind of what I was hoping for from this blog. I feel like there are a lot of people, scratch that, I KNOW there are people just like us, all over Bluelight and all over American society. Being poor is a scarlet letter in this society. It does not matter how many poor people there are, they of course outnumber the wealthy and they´re about to outnumber the ¨stable¨ lower-middle classes.

I want everyone to know, I have a somewhat blunt way of describing these issues. I understand that terms like ¨homeless¨ and ¨addict¨ and ¨mentally ill¨ all can be offensive to people in their own right. I don´t use any of this terminology without total empathy for my peers out here. One thing I have learned from living in Vermont for too many years, is that sugar-coating problems, changing terminology and playing pretend do not do service to anyone in this world, especially now. People are homeless in record numbers. See, in Vermont, I am often chastised for not ¨separating¨ homelessness/addiction/mental health. I have been told ¨being homeless does not necessarily make you and addict or make you mentally ill¨. The reality check I have for these folks is that homelessness and hopelessness directly lead people to substances.

Mental illness? Try living outside in the middle of a New England winter for a month or two and tell me you´re not depressed, anxious that you´re gonna get robbed of your shit at any moment and/or being driven insane by the combined effects of different drugs, withdrawal and the constat weighted blanket of shame. I know there are people out there right now addicted to Alcohol, Fentanyl or what have you, who otherwise would not even be using drugs. They see things as utterly hopeless. They feel the judgement of those with more than they constantly.

How do I know? Because now I´m lucky enough to feel first hand what I´ve been working with for the past several years. Homeless people are no longer able to blend in with the rest of society. Those that have been on the street for some time have a look that is frankly, undeniable. Dirty clothes, dirty faces, people walking around in 0 F degree weather wearing nothing but a blanket, jeans, a t shirt and sometimes not even shoes.

Look, it´s hard for me to say this, as I have very little to give right now. I don´t have money or resources. I don´t have shit. But I need to do something. I have to have a purpose in my life every day. I have to know that there is a reason, a good reason for me to still be on this earth. I tried to kill myself when I was ~19. I had already been through 5-6 years of heavy Opioid addiction by that time. Fuck, I felt like an old-soul after being in the game that long. Little did I know, I had 10 more years to go. I slit my wrists with a soda can I tore apart while I was locked up for the only time in my life. At that point, there was no question in my mind, I wanted to die then and there. I didn´t want attention. At that moment, at 19, I saw myself at the end of the road, finished, out of plays.

I survived, naturally and was back in my cell wearing the suicide smock within 48 hours. They took my books, which was all I had; one book actually; a history of the Kennedy family of political renown. It was so incredibly boring, it was missing pages; but it was something. By then, the sickness was starting to get better. I got out of there eventually. My Mother wasn´t ready to give up on me. She allowed me to stay at home and this was my first real attempt at doing the 12-steps.

No, I did not get and stay clean. This shit basically scared me to the point that I smartened up. I stopped being so extremely reckless with myself. I couldn´t quit the dope though. My point is, I couldn´t possibly have seen what was ahead of me. I would go on to graduate and become a teacher, which was my dream. I got to see different corners of this beautiful world and help kids who had nothing perhaps go to college, perhaps make something of themselves. I was giving; but the craziest thing was... it made me happy to give. See, I was a selfish prick, like any 19 year old junkie. I didn´t know what it felt like to give anything to anyone.

We are now in this really critical time for all of us, for our society. We all know, when times get tough, it often brings out the very worst in people. When you know there is less of something, the tendency is to run and grab as much of it as you can. People hoard in emergencies, despite the fact that it is better for everyone to be reasonable.

We all need to resist the urge to turn inward in the face of all of this. That starts inside of us. When you drive by someone panhandling on the median, it´s pretty easy to make a quip about how dirty, desperate and horrible they look, how horrible their life must be. Believe me, it´s just like the schoolyard when we were kids. The bullies put down the kids they can easily put down to make themselves feel like they matter. The addicts, the homeless and that guy panhandling? They are the very end of a hierarchy of trickle down degradation. The person with the ferrari can shit on the person with a mercedez. The person with a house can shit on the person in a 1 bedroom apartment. The addicts who still have cars and can drive around, well, they can shit on the guy panhandling, because everyone can shit on them.

I´m addressing myself too here. I am struggling and believe me, I want a millionaire to write me and say ¨good news, the bullshit is over. I believe you are deserving of 100,000 dollars¨. Of course I do. But charity doesn´t solve the problem that we are in. We have a government that you can bet would like to see us all disappeared. There is a huge backlash against homeless people.

I want to make very clear, for those of you who don´t know, Vermont is a very liberal state. Burlington is the most liberal, largest municipality in this state. We have prided ourselves on our progressive values and our love for our fellow man. If Burlington, VT can treat homelessness like a disease, what is it like in fucking Texas right now?

All I can give right now is my support and love to people here on the forums who need it. We all have something we can do to strengthen our society. We can make the glue holding us all together stronger by taking time to give to one another. This can be as easy as saying hi to a person begging instead of quickly looking away when they spot you. It can be providing support to people here on Bluelight. I guess my main point here, is that we are growing apart. Society is pushing us apart. We all need to come to our senses and resist that urge to ¨hoard¨ everything for yourself.

Case in point:

More Than 100 Businesses Seek Relief From Burlington 'Crisis' | Seven Days

The open letter to Mayor Emma Mulvaney-Stanak calls for action on 10 fronts, including relocating a pop-up soup kitchen and restoring a downtown police presence.

www.sevendaysvt.com

This is an article referencing a letter that was put together by multiple business in Downtown Burlington. It is known as the ¨anti-homelessness compact¨ colloquially. It is worded with language that I feel is as positive as one could make it. However, this nice language, typical of Vermont politicians, belies an obvious truth. People are done with this shit. They don´t want to see the homeless, look at them, be stolen from by them; they don´t want them around. More and more people are homeless every day. Signing a letter effectively declaring war on them is a great example of people turning inward instead of showing their humanity.

There is still no shelter here in this city. The most liberal, progressive city. I had, up until now, never been to a large-ish city in New England that did not operate an extreme cold weather shelter. What does that say? All of these businesses with money and resources, combined with the city´s resources; none of them can pay to heat a church basement for 10 hours a day for 3 months? It´s fucking criminal if you ask me.

I´m going to end with this: there are places i.e. Switzerland, Portugal, Canada etc. who have found ways to mitigate the misery of their drug problems. They did not beat their problems through coercion, violence or incarceration. They decided to admit their wrongs and about face to a more sympathetic, scientifically proven means of treatment. Switzerland was the Heroin capital of Europe. Today Switzerland does not have a major Opioid issue. This is all well-known shit. Imagine if we, in the United States had just done the right thing back in 2008-2012 before Fentanyl? Imagine what this country would look like.

I´m 50/50 that I´m gonna make it out of this. I´m not looking forward to withdrawal. Medications can´t be stolen without a gun and a ski mask. I can´t shoplift a doctor´s appointment. I´ve settled on working for UPS. It is a full-time gig with dependable hours. I feel I can count on them to pay me. I´ḿ now racing against time to get my first paycheck before I´m hit with the inevitable withdrawal from multiple medications.

I know I´m gonna sound like a broken record on this one, but if I were to start drinking, start getting fucked up, this violent struggle to keep my head above water in the middle of a hurricane... I wouldn´t be able to resurface. That is how close I am to defeat. I want everyone to try their hardest, do the most you can for those around you and resist the urge to say ¨fuck it¨. I want to say ¨fuck it¨ all the time. I wake up thinking ¨fuck it, I should just do some Fentanyl¨. I only get rid of that feeling by going to my meeting. I only get over those urges by talking to my sponsor. If I can stay sober through this shit, I know anyone can, because I´m a piece of shit

Stay safe everyone. Love you guys.

Ryan

 

[Keif' Richards]

I reread your posts @Just A Guy I really, truly appreciate what you have said. A kindred spirit... that´s what we are all after.

I had a moment of joy yesterday. It has been hard for me to access these feelings given my difficulties. I know I´m not alone in this. A woman who goes to my in-person AA meeting, honestly very beautiful and kind. I´ve said hi and shot the shit with her for years. A couple of days ago, she ASKED ME if I wanted to go get some food with her. I had known this chick for a long time. We had started going to the meeting in Burlington about the same time. She liked raves, Cocaine, Ecstasy, Alcohol... now she is just as boring as me

I have really felt like a non-person for the past month or so. Perhaps I don´t look beaten down. I still take care of myself. On the inside, I feel worthless and hopeless. I assume everyone can see this painted on my face. I had lunch with this girl and we ended up hanging out for most of the day. I ended up telling her everything about my situation. I told her everything that had happened that led me back to Burlington; what I did wrong, what I did right; she didn´t judge any of it. She has never injected Heroin; she was just a party girl, but she can hear me talk about these thins and not be put off.

It ended up as a definitively romantic encounter. I couldn´t believe it. These are the kinds of moments where you feel proud for keeping your shit together. If I am to wild out, drink, do drugs.... I would never have caught the eye of this woman.

We are not suppose to engage in relationships in AA, but it happens. I am not saying anything other than, she is clearly my type of person and I´d like to learn more about her. However, I have learned lessons in my life the past year about jumping into relationships. If I get into a situation that pushes me to the limit, I have the potential of relapsing and causing pain for people that I love.

Love is all you need, as they say. Love is not free though. It comes with loyalty, reliability and stability. You can only love another if you are able to love and take care of yourself.

This whole experience made me feel human, where my situation had made me feel more and more like an animal. I need things like this in my life. To feel so alone is not good for anyone. This is why everyone, even the people on the street, deserve a moment of genuine kindness. When you see someone panhandling outside, you don´t have to give them money, just look them in the eyes, smile and ask how they are doing. I am not on the street panhandling, but in this sudden life change in which I ran out of my money in no time at all, I feel what it feels like to be without, to be poor, to be afraid.

I´m happy to say I´m going for my second interview at an under-24 shelter in Burlington. It looks like they are interested in hiring me. They tell me that, if selected, the job would start in a couple of weeks. This would enable me to quit my menial job I´m working out of necessity and get back into social work, which is my passion these days, especially working with the kids. These are the kids of my peers, growing up with parents hooked on dope. They need it and I´m praying get it.

Times are still hard. However, this experience has made me stronger. It has taught me a lot about myself, about others and no doubt will make me more grateful for what I have in this world. I had a hard time the first couple of weeks. I made some mistakes. I was so depressed. I felt alone. I decided I was not going to give in and give up. It is only through divine intervention that I have been able to make it through this. You can´t ever give up guys. Until next time.

 

[Just A Guy]

@Keif’ Richards

I’m really glad you shared this! It’s hopeful, and it’s grounded.

Despite your situation (poverty, uncertainty, overwhelm) you stayed present enough to recognize a human moment when it showed up. I’m really glad. Feeling human again is necessary fuel, right? You didn’t let desperation rewrite who you are even while stressing you old patterns.

I really respect the way you’re holding boundaries too. Not rushing the relationship, being honest about risk, and knowing stability isn’t optional when another person’s heart is involved. Integrity under pressure, my man. It’s easy to lose that when things start to improve.

What you said about kindness--just being seen--I learned that the hard way too. When systems fail and resources get thin, dignity can get relational before it becomes material. But a kind smile, a shared meal (and especially that romance you speak of) can keep someone anchored long enough for the next step to appear.

Sending good vibes your way. Good luck with the shelter job. It seems to fit who you are now (not who you were.)

And regardless of how that turns out, the fact that you’re still choosing sobriety, still showing up to meetings, still resisting the urge to disappear, your core is intact. Looking good, Keif. You are not broken. Strained to hell, maybe. Big difference though! Keep on keeping on. I’m glad we’ve crossed paths here. Happy New Year!

 

[chippermonk]

I reread your posts @Just A Guy I really, truly appreciate what you have said. A kindred spirit... that´s what we are all after.

I had a moment of joy yesterday. It has been hard for me to access these feelings given my difficulties. I know I´m not alone in this. A woman who goes to my in-person AA meeting, honestly very beautiful and kind. I´ve said hi and shot the shit with her for years. A couple of days ago, she ASKED ME if I wanted to go get some food with her. I had known this chick for a long time. We had started going to the meeting in Burlington about the same time. She liked raves, Cocaine, Ecstasy, Alcohol... now she is just as boring as me

I have really felt like a non-person for the past month or so. Perhaps I don´t look beaten down. I still take care of myself. On the inside, I feel worthless and hopeless. I assume everyone can see this painted on my face. I had lunch with this girl and we ended up hanging out for most of the day. I ended up telling her everything about my situation. I told her everything that had happened that led me back to Burlington; what I did wrong, what I did right; she didn´t judge any of it. She has never injected Heroin; she was just a party girl, but she can hear me talk about these thins and not be put off.

It ended up as a definitively romantic encounter. I couldn´t believe it. These are the kinds of moments where you feel proud for keeping your shit together. If I am to wild out, drink, do drugs.... I would never have caught the eye of this woman.

We are not suppose to engage in relationships in AA, but it happens. I am not saying anything other than, she is clearly my type of person and I´d like to learn more about her. However, I have learned lessons in my life the past year about jumping into relationships. If I get into a situation that pushes me to the limit, I have the potential of relapsing and causing pain for people that I love.

Love is all you need, as they say. Love is not free though. It comes with loyalty, reliability and stability. You can only love another if you are able to love and take care of yourself.

This whole experience made me feel human, where my situation had made me feel more and more like an animal. I need things like this in my life. To feel so alone is not good for anyone. This is why everyone, even the people on the street, deserve a moment of genuine kindness. When you see someone panhandling outside, you don´t have to give them money, just look them in the eyes, smile and ask how they are doing. I am not on the street panhandling, but in this sudden life change in which I ran out of my money in no time at all, I feel what it feels like to be without, to be poor, to be afraid.

I´m happy to say I´m going for my second interview at an under-24 shelter in Burlington. It looks like they are interested in hiring me. They tell me that, if selected, the job would start in a couple of weeks. This would enable me to quit my menial job I´m working out of necessity and get back into social work, which is my passion these days, especially working with the kids. These are the kids of my peers, growing up with parents hooked on dope. They need it and I´m praying get it.

Times are still hard. However, this experience has made me stronger. It has taught me a lot about myself, about others and no doubt will make me more grateful for what I have in this world. I had a hard time the first couple of weeks. I made some mistakes. I was so depressed. I felt alone. I decided I was not going to give in and give up. It is only through divine intervention that I have been able to make it through this. You can´t ever give up guys. Until next time.

That's beautiful Keif. And honestly, even if it doesn't become romantic, it's just as beautiful imho.

 

[Keif' Richards]

Thanks @chippermonk. I needed it. There is no doubt about that. This chick is really cool. Now, I have a secondary reason to love my daily meeting. We get to sit next to each other and we are talking on a regular basis. I know a lot of the people out here, as I´ve said. Working in the shelters you end up getting to know everyone, Still, knowing everyone in that way is kind of like Bluelight, enriching but not substitute for that human connection with someone you really admire. I feel pretty lucky to have someone to hang out with who is on my level, knows what it means and is actively trying to do the same thing I am. We can support one another. Again, I´m not rushing into anything. She is just a cool chick for now, as that is the right thing to do.

Homeless People Set on Fire

Alright Fam, gather around for one of ¨Keif´s Really, Really Good Stories¨ (I have this copyrighted, so don´t get any ideas).

This one is, frankly, a fucking tear-jerker. It is really one of the worst things I have seen in a long time. I´ve woken up next to a good friend´s stiff body after overdosing in his sleep. That rocked me for a long time. It still brings me to tears sometimes. This is pretty much on the same level.

I am on the city bus yesterday heading back home from work. A former client gets on the bus and I say hi, ask her how she´s doing etc. She asks me if I remember someone, we will call him John. It took me a minute, but it hit me. I knew this guy well. I had exited him from the medium-barrier shelter following an outburst while he was using Methamphetamine. I would later be working at the low-barrier emergency shelter when I say him again. He had stopped using hard drugs following a bout with cancer. He had been in the hospital and they had fed him and made him somewhat healthy again. He survived cancer. This sober John that I knew quickly got to friendly terms with me. I really enjoyed getting to know this dude once he was off all of the hard drugs. After the winter shelter closed and I moved on to my job in Montpelier, I wasn´t keeping track of him obviously.

This former client tells me, John is in the hospital. I say ¨why, overdose?¨, which wouldn´t be strange. She then tells me, his tent was deliberately set on fire while he was nodding out. This was at the beginning of December and John was walking around with all of his cash for the month in is pocket. Someone apparently robbed him and then poured some kind of accelerant all over his body and the tent and lit it up.

John was using hard drugs again and was on a serious nod. He did not wake up until someone from a neighboring tent saw him and ran over to put him out. I have now heard the story from multiple people who were present in the park and they all corroborate how it went down.

John had 3rd degree burns on 90% of his body including his face. He had to have his right arm and left leg amputated. He will require extensive physical therapy to walk on his own again. Considering the severity of burns, one can only speculate if his genitals were affected... I assume they were.

I went to the hospital to visit this guy. At that time, he had had only two visitors since this happened a month ago. I get to the floor, general surgery, where he is being kept. I am met at the entrance by a nurse, a police officer and THREE SECURITY GUARDS complete with all their ¨Batman/Punisher¨ shit on display. The nurse is stone-faced. He asks me ¨Why do you want to see this person?¨ I was a little surprised. I said ¨well, I heard he was set on fucking fire and that he had multiple limbs amputated so I´d like to see him and maybe raise his spirits. When I worked at the Waystation and Temp Shelters, he was a client, I like the guy¨.

So, I´m a little flustered by all of this. I certainly was not expecting all of these fucking cops and security. The nurse was sure that I was attempting to bring this person drugs. I flat out said ¨look, you can watch me the whole time, I´m just talking to him¨. The nurse replied ¨I WILL be watching¨. He was a complete and total dick.

I walk in the room and I see John for the first time. Horrible. Just absolutely horrible. One of the worst things I´ve ever seen in my entire life. I was expecting a conversation. Maybe we would shoot the shit a little and I´d ask him what he needed. Maybe I´d bring him a notepad or some candy or whatever, I don´t know.

Instead, I heard John writing in pain before I even walked in the room. He was WRITHING in pain. He had naturally been using Fentanyl heavily prior to this accident. I ask openly ¨are they not helping you with the pain¨ and John says ¨fuck no they don´t give a shit about me¨ and the nurse, I swear to god, rolls his eyes as John is saying this. The dude is writing in the bed, begging for relief. The cops and security practically grin at one another when i ask this question. Of course he wants more pain medicine, he´s a fucking junky, are you stupid?

John cannot even really communicate. He is alternating between crying and screaming at the staff. He tells me that he doesn´t know why they are keeping him alive; that they should just kill him. He tells me they are torturing him for their own amusement. As he starts screaming at the nurse that he is evil, I´m then told it is time to go. Yes,his stumps are clearly visible and the gore was on display. He now has a colostomy bag.

It was just awful, awful, awful. I was then escorted out of the hospital by security. I was like ¨why the hell are you giving me the third degree right now? I truly just wanted to lift a guy´s spirits who is totally alone up there¨. I was absolutely appalled by the lack of humanity show to this individual. There was no sympathy, nothing. He was stuck up there, now permanently crippled, alone and essentially suicidal and they can´t just show him a little bit of human decency? They really can´t just give him enough medicine to dull his pain and I don´t know, let him get some fucking sleep?

This is how the medical establishment is treating addicts who are vulnerable. I was left completely and utterly disgusted by everyone involved in this. The person who set him on fire for his measly sum of money, the medical staff who treat him like some kind of disease that is to be tolerated, not helped and the fact that the hospital just lets this all happen.

There is no reason why a person in that situation shouldn´t have their pain treated. It´s criminal if you ask me. It is in complete violation of the apparently meaningless Hippocratic Oath. Yes, the guy uses Fentany. Yes, he is homeless. Yes, he is a petty criminal and a general nuisance. Does that mean he deserves to be up theire writhing like a wounded animal? He is practically reenacting the novel, Johnny Got His Gun up there on the sixth floor.

There is no monetary reason. They could easily make this person comfortable. To see a person in what is undoubtedly the lowest, worst part of their entire life... instead of showing them kindness, you just squeeze them even harder. What is fucking wrong with these people? Where is the fucking humanity?

I start thinking, ¨Man I hope that nurse throws his back out real bad, gets hooked on Oxycodone, then Fentanyl, hits the streets, loses his house, wife and kids and then shows up at the shelter I´m working at so I can kick him out into the zero degree Vermont winter¨...

Alas though, to think in this way is to be like the nurse and we all must resist the urge to be like that nurse. I´ll put a little daisy in his scrubs pocket insetad and tell him we are all flower children.