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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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tripnotyzm said:
i had a fairly bad trip on Saturday.. It's Wednesday and i am still now able to work..!
I have gotten a doctor certificate to cover my ass, but i still feel guilty for bailing on work 3 days in a row...
lets hope i can keep my job at the end of this.
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hey trip is everything ok now? Ley me know ♡
 
I'm just not happy. I'm sick of running out of excuses for myself. Fucking day in day out same shit I need to remap my life and goals. Easier said than done, I really wish I could talk to my mom about these feelings. But these thoughts of my sadness and deep anger revolve around her death. Shit fucks with my head too much.
 
gr33n3y3z said:
I'm just not happy. I'm sick of running out of excuses for myself. Fucking day in day out same shit I need to remap my life and goals. Easier said than done, I really wish I could talk to my mom about these feelings. But these thoughts of my sadness and deep anger revolve around her death. Shit fucks with my head too much.
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I miss talking with my mom too. It will be three years in January since she died, it sucks. ((Hugs)) <3
 
I'm sorry for both of your losses…
I have fears about losing my mum… I've lost many close friends, but a mom is a lot to grieve over <3
 
Thanks T & Smoky

It sucks I can't begin to think about getting sober atm, fuck I pictured my mom passing somewhat peacefully not scary and violent. This shit is fucking my head up so much.
I need therapy but I can barley drag myself out of the house. I know time passes and shit gets better :|, but I'm traumatized by cars, from her accident now. I really have no one to talk to about this shit. Fuck I just need to calm down and grab some opiates & numb some pain away.
 
no one gives a shit about what i do so i'ma do what i do till i die god i hope the needle plays nice with me when i pick up my new scripts
 
gr33n3y3z said:
Thanks T & Smoky

It sucks I can't begin to think about getting sober atm, fuck I pictured my mom passing somewhat peacefully not scary and violent. This shit is fucking my head up so much.
I need therapy but I can barley drag myself out of the house. I know time passes and shit gets better :|, but I'm traumatized by cars, from her accident now. I really have no one to talk to about this shit. Fuck I just need to calm down and grab some opiates & numb some pain away.
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I understand… I know what it's like to feel left by someone I love, especially in such traumatic way… I have trauma too, and very sensitive to most noises. It's painful to grieve as we are feeling the realization of losing a loved one, which is very difficult to accept… it's part of the healing process. Hang in there… It's good you are posting about it and not keeping it 'all' to yourself….
 
7th day of sobriety. Went through hospital detox and will probably be involved with Intensive Outpatient Treatment after the holiday. I attended some AA meetings there, but they don't seem to help much. If anything, I leave with a stronger urge to drink. Hopefully regular appointments with my new psychiatrist will be enough. I don't normally trust so easily, clinicians or otherwise, especially when someone has so much access to my identity. But she made me feel comfortable and she seemed really nice. I began a little awkwardly, but having held in so much without truly venting, I let quite a bit off my chest. For the first appointment, it was pretty heavy. There was some laughter, but I was getting sweats and shakes and she noticed. I was upfront about the fact that I was probably entering withdrawal.

I returned home yesterday and dumped out the rest of my vodka before daring to have any. I have no funds at all for alcohol. They gave me a small prescription of Ativan at the hospital when I was discharged just in case any residual symptoms came up. I've already finished them and I suppose they've worn off. Sometimes I forget that I can't drink now and find myself looking around for a bottle. I'm even having dreams, both in the hospital and recently one at home, of drinking. When I wake up (kinda), I feel for a moment that it really happened. Then I shake off the cobwebs and realize I'm still sticking with it.

Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome is heading my way. It's been a rough night. Hanging in there.
 
I am so thankful that you were able to go detox safely and that you are still sober. Blahmann, ask for a guitar if you don't still have yours. Believe in yourself and pour your urges into playing. You have a lot to give and you are on the path to recovery. I know that your past experiences might make it seem next to impossible to deny the cravings and the overwhelmingly scary feelings that are bound to come up in the next few weeks. Even though AA was not helpful (damn, we need an alternative!) try to get a sponsor that you can relate to and feel good about. Having a person to call IRL during the really hard moments is useful even if the rest bothers you.

I asked my brother-in-law if he were still going to meetings (he stopped drinking about 10 years ago and went to meetings for years). He laughed and said,"No." I asked him why he stopped since I knew in the beginning the meetings had been very important to him and he credited his recovery to the program. He said, "well, I was sitting in a meeting one day and I suddenly had the thought that if I had to sit through ten more minutes of this shit I was going to have to drink to get through it. That's when I knew AA was over for me but so was drinking."

My advice is to use whatever helps you, even if it can be uncomfortable. Addiction is many things--physical dependence, psychological dependence, a perfectly good painkiller for emotional pain if you don't mind the fact that the pain keeps increasing. Alcohol has the added factor of being advertised everywhere and in your face like no other drug is in this country (or much of the world, for that matter). Steel yourself and make strategies now while you are still in this new place being carried by the momentum of detox.

See if you can't find a Buddhist center where you live. The monks can be of enormous help for people coming out of addictions. Many zen centers offer groups for people that could be a good alternative or even better yet, complement, to AA.
 
Thank you herbavore. It's amazing just how unhappy I was as a drinker, yet constantly insisted on going straight to the booze. I'm sure that's the usual sentiment, though. It's just an strange nature to keep up with. As Layne Staley from Alice in Chains once sang in a song, it became sustenance. And I do still thirst for alcohol. I'm on the "day at a time" road now, although not currently with AA. I enjoy some of their literature. After the meetings I've been through, I just don't buy it, though. Unfortunately in my area, when it comes to similar programs, AA is the only one within reasonable distance.

It's an odd time to get sober right before the holiday. I'm thinking I'll just occupy my time with films, books, music, and indeed guitar. It's been a while since I've picked it up. There usually wasn't much to do in detox but either lay down in my room, or watch TV. Then there were the daily AA meetings. But many times I had to walk away from the TV. Every other commercial seemed to involve alcohol. Every TV show seemed to mention alcohol and depict people drinking or getting drunk. TV has such an insidious way of getting in a person's mind. With the exception of some basketball games, I tend to avoid it.

I do hope everyone here has a safe and clean holiday. My family is getting together with my siblings and it might sound detrimental, but I'd rather be alone, so I'm staying put. The squalid weather outside makes it easier to stay inside anyway.
 
well the needle is harsh to me when i'm trying to be "sober" meaning to me atm just to be able to make my meds last until i can get more i guess i'm just a work in progress... FUCK
 
I'm pathetic, desperately need money but I absolutely do not feel right mentally to even begin looking for a job. I need to see a doctor or something and get a shitload of anti depressants and anti anxiety pills because I cannot cope in life & society otherwise.

I've been doing stupid & immature shit and I need to reinvent myself somehow and change my life. Don't know where to begin.
 
^plmar i hope 2015 will be a better year for you. Goodluck!
 
happy christmas people

well i am here fuck knows for how long feeling like shit pissed off at the inapt help the doctors gave me basically told them i was suicidal and they just let me walk right out the door with the offer of no help idiots

running out of everything from benzos to stims and disassociates isn't helping matters

found a few things kicking around too take the edge off for an hour or two but starting to feel like shit again cant keep doing this to myself
 
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