• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

Status
Not open for further replies.
So a couple days ago I sent in the Paper from my insurance regarding a warning from them that w/out special approval from the doctor, that there would be a 33% decrease in the medicine that I take for my anuerysms.

This all came about because my dosage was flagged as unusual.
Which makes perfect sense. I have a genetic mutation. By definition, I am unusual.

My cardiologist office called me, and rather than seek approval to continue the current dosage of my angiotensin medicine (prevents my aneurysms from being worse than they already are)

-the nurse or secretary that called me instead said that the doctor was "fine with the reduction" and also offered me the choice of changing to another medicine that has an inferior half-life...


So I am a person with a genetic mutation who is going to have his 3rd open-heart surgery for aneurysms in the spring, and this doctor is fine with me reducing my aneurysm medicine by a third! :X FUCK YOU

do I look like a dumb sheep?

These people treat me as though I am subject to their system.

I told the person I was talking to that they need to approve the current dosage of the angiotension medicine (not a reduction by 1/3) and be fair and reasonable, or I would find another doctor.
She told me "OK sir" and hung up.


I need to to a better job of controlling my emotions in such situations and staying relaxed.
1. The doctors are not geniuses, they're just doctors and whether they fail to do their due-dilligence, or whether they have financial motive to listen to the insurance company at the expense of the patient -- I have to remain patient and be a better communicator.
2. The people that have to call me to sell me on the reduction have no power -- Their job is to get me to agree and they probably actually believe that the authority role of the doctor-patient translates into a situation where they are simply asking for "what's best". -- I have to be more patient, and understand that progress with these people will be unlikely. Simply ask to re-submit a new proposal to the doctor.


See... writing this out helped me be more rational already.
 
odds of using soar if i wake up to rain :\ was even thinkin yesterday it was real good i didn't use any but that's all out the window today =/ at least my tolerance should be a bit lower. HOPEFULLY whatever
 
Yea, I feel so unmotivated and depressed all the time. Im always aggitated. I find myself sitting around all day doing nothing.
I felt so motivated coming out of rehab. Now, it's like i've slowly started declining. I went for methamphetamine.. I've done it
maybe 4 times in the last 6 months.. But i take opiuts as often as I can. I guess i need to just try being more productive..
But everything seems so hopeless, and pointless.. I have a membership to a gym, about a 30 min walk. But, I just choose
to sit and home.. And all my friends are on meth hard. So, I stay to myself.. I guess i'm just being lazy?
 
well ive medicated myself with the hope of benzo help but i can't believe the 5mg of flubromazolam are not doing anything other than a slight lift so much for my intended later use if and when my 10 g eph and 5 g mxe come i.e. run till exhausted then necking 40 tabs and driving over 24th and its fentanyl or one of it analogs
 
Haven´t seen you for a while CH!
Hope you are feeling better..
I don´t know if you have noticed but I´m always on your foot trying to get you better!
That´s because I´ve seen you better and I would bet on your recovery!!
Nice to see you!
Get well!
Erik
 
I need to read this thread more often to be reminded that so many out there are struggling. The level of pain is unreal im reading in here, and i hear a lot of negativity and whining also.

I'm no better I can paint my world black too. And right now yeah, I wish I could amost kill myself but I won't, too afraid and plus as hard as it is, I truly do believe there could be something amazing around the corner.

I think addict alcoholics are very tortured souls and for us sobriety is an abnormal state of being. Hell it's Friday night and I could be high on speed drinking 2 dollar whiskey and cokes downtown at the bars looking for someone to spend the night with. That's what I wanna do, not be here in my room at home detoxing off MMT.

So why do I stay in on a Friday night and detox? Because I was fortunate enough to find a happiness (although brief: 6 months clean and sober) IN sobriety through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous/ NA.

That was true happiness, chemicals won't ever fill that void and im too old and been at this to long to know that ultimately I just want out of this fear of not having enough money, fear of the police, fear of the future, fear fear fear.... It will eventually go away if I did what I did before so tonight I'm trying to be grateful and hopeful. Stuff I was taught by other addict alcoholics who now have awesome lives and decades of sobriety. Those guys give me hope, the fellowship gives me hope, w/o hope I'll soon find myself on dope.

Just my 2 cents on things and my own opinion. I'm being kind of a hard ass because that's what people have had to do with me to give me a moment of clarity.

They told me I was going to fucking die and if it wasn't for my parents I'd be homeless. And it's true, drugs ruin me.
 
I cannot wait for 2014 to end. This year has been the fucking worst year of my life. I started the year with a job where I ran a business with my Mother and despite it being a pain to work with family, I really enjoyed it. I was clean, I was doing better than I had been in years.

Over the last 12 months I:

-Lost that job and got kicked out of my house

-Dated a very close friend who turned out to be quite mentally ill and was beyond abusive

-Had both my mental state and finances ruined by said friend

-Got my own apt and accrued ~$1500 worth of debt

-Had her leave by saying she was going to a friends then not contacting me for a month until she needed a ride to court for her domestic violence charge

-Started using heroin again after 2 years clean

-Had my best friend move in with me, accuse me of stealing money, move out and stop speaking to me

-Moved back home with my Mom

-Get called out for using again and forced into a suboxone program(this one isn't so bad since it's easy to cheat the drug tests and I can sell the subs so I'm not totally broke)

-Get fired from two jobs in the course of two months

-Car requiring ~$1000 worth of repairs depleting any remaining money I was hoping to live on until I found a new job and leaving me without a car the week I was going to take a friend out and try not to pussy out of making a move, which I will pussy out of so I guess that really doesn't matter, but still aggravating nonetheless

Fuck this year, fuck the town I live in, fuck the people in it, fuck the world, fuck my ex, fuck my car, fuck me...FUCK.
 
Erikmen said:
Haven´t seen you for a while CH!
Hope you are feeling better..
I don´t know if you have noticed but I´m always on your foot trying to get you better!
That´s because I´ve seen you better and I would bet on your recovery!!
Nice to see you!
Get well!
Erik
Click to expand...

Thanks man

I am trying to feel better. Thanks for believing in me
 
I second that CH, I lurked for very many years before becoming a bluelighter,- your posts have always lit the way & I completely believe in your inner strength ❤️.

Rtp
 
oh I just fuckin loooooove rant world, and the fact that none of you know me makes it even better. hey gr33n3y3z I secon what you posted dying would feel so wonderfull right now just say fuck life before I fade into nothingness why am I not strong enough to pull through?
 
i had a fairly bad trip on Saturday.. It's Wednesday and i am still now able to work..!
I have gotten a doctor certificate to cover my ass, but i still feel guilty for bailing on work 3 days in a row...
lets hope i can keep my job at the end of this.
 
wrote a letter to my remaining family about this traumatic stress episode

some of them offered me to move in. Considering it, as it would also address one of my overwhelming surgical insurance problems (same state as the heart surgeon that knows how to fix my arteries)

Hard for me to live in another house as far as being a man.
On the other hand, my current life is so horrible impotent and emasculating that having a family help for several months wouldn't be much sacrafice at all in terms of manhood. I am considering it. Also I can't think deeply right now.

Other family ranged from nice generic support to "what do you expect us to do" responses. I can't really blame them.

I am the type of dude however who wants to help, and I am quick to take a family member under my wing and help them get back on track (although you can't see it now, because I have such a powerless current existence).
Different people think differently and do the family thing differently, can't blame.
 
I've still never gotten on suboxone. I'm addicted to heroin and have been for way too long. I'm starting to lose hope. I'm tired of living this life.
 
We love you Carl. I am one of your fan girls. Please, keep going because one day things can change and they will if you don't give up hope now.

FapRHjx.jpg
 
Last edited:
I was just in similar situation Carl, hang in there... Don't ever give up. I almost did, and find myself ok now.
Heroin withdrawal lasted 2 weeks approx, but first 5 days were only the absolute worst, then slowly improves.
It's such a short amount of time in the bigger picture... It's possible to take subs just to mask acute 4 day symptoms also and taper rapidly.
 
Been clean for a year. It has given me nothing but pain and misery. I feel like I am locked in constant withdrawal from opiates. It has gone on for OVER A FUCKING YEAR!!!!. Is this shit even for real? I feel the withdrawal from heroin like I am stuck in week 4, except it has been a year.

Appearently I can not get fucking clean. So fuck this fucking shit I am so close to giving up. I don't want any of this anymore. All I want is to start injecting heroin untill all my money is gone and then when everything is totally fucking ruined maybe I will get the motivation I need to finally off myself so I never have to wake up to this pain again.

I really feel like I've tried everything and life will always be about pain and I've had enough. I'm so angry I've tried so hard and I just know I am not going to make it by now.
 
Last edited:
I've been playing the video game on the highest level.
AMAZING level of difficulty!

And I've revealed soooo much of the map.

When I started, I used to play on the easy level, and I had a lot of the map revealed, but it's amazing how so much more depth has been revealed. I was only seeing a superficial level and in some cases a false representation. I used to run through the "levels" but I didn't realize there were lots of other levels and worlds.

Now I have to get some credits so i can get a few basic items that you need to advance. Occasionally I feel ready to smash the computer because it is near impossible at this difficulty level, and you can not lower the difficulty. I keep revealing more and more of the map, I also read all of the strategy guides. Soon I will get some credits and golds so I can meet basic needs to leave the home base again. Should be fun.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top