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Self-harm support thread v. 3

It's been about a month since I carved the word "freak" into my forearm, and it's healing quite well. I think the scar will be barely noticeable once it's fully healed. But the main thing is, I haven't cut since! I've had a couple of urges, but I haven't acted on them. Feeling good about that. :)
 
I feel so fucking small and pathetic right now. I just cut my wrist and I'm in tears cuz I thought I was past all this bullshit. I want to be anyone but me. my life was almost fucking perfect yesterday, I was about to get a new job and I was planning my wedding, now I've got nothing. I would've called someone but its 3am and I don't wanna wake anyone up. I don't know what to do anymore......
 
billyswifey, i've been there nothing anyone ever said to me helped and but i can say that if you take a step back and just go from one minute to the next life is a little bit easier to deal with.
 
i was 14 the first time i cut myself. at the time i had no idea people did it except with suicidal intent. i did it to feel something, anything, cuz i felt nothing anymore. i remember thinking i'd survived abuse at the hands of family, thought i had escaped and was safe. but i was wrong and just shut down. i could feel when i cut and knew i was still alive, not just a walking dead shell.
i cut for more than 15 years, sometimes frequently, sometimes only a few times in a year. but the motivation was always related to my inability to feel anything but numb.
although it has been more than a decade since i last cut, the scars remind me. many scars are gone now but those that remain remind me that surviving is an ongoing process not an event.
to all of you who are struggling now -you have many brothers and sisters out there. those who have suffered through this darkness understand suffering and extend their hands to you always. reach out and grab one of those hands even if only in your mind, y'know how i mean?
i, along with many others, am living proof you can get beyond these days and nights. you will get through and, when you do, you too will extend your hand to help those still struggling.
-izzy
 
^^ Beautiful post hun <3

billyswifey, so sorry to hear you did that hun, how are you feeling today?? Can you talk to your fiance about this? <3

Sweet P that is awesome you haven't cut again since then, keep up the good work okay? <3
 
please don't do it guys. I attended to a cutter the other night, fuck, it broke my cold black heart. Imagine how softer/nicer/more human people feel dealing with it.

the trauma it causes everyone else is awful. Try to place the others before self sometimes.
 
i feel so good i have not cut since i started talking lexapro about 2 weeks ago im doing really good i plan to stay away from the razor for quite some time but i know it will come back prob next sexual relation i have now i just have to work on this opiate use but i do love morphine
 
rangrz said:
please don't do it guys. I attended to a cutter the other night, fuck, it broke my cold black heart. Imagine how softer/nicer/more human people feel dealing with it.

the trauma it causes everyone else is awful. Try to place the others before self sometimes.
Click to expand...

I would be nice to talk dude. You get it.
 
Here...hopefully this one stays.

I cut. It was bad. Worst one ever!!
It had been a long time since I had. I wasn't taking my meds cause I'm stupid. I guess I think I can get better on my own.
BF flushed all my pain meds I abuse. Says it makes it worse. I can't tell you how mad I was. I don't want the pain of W/Ds! That's what I'm so afraid of and he refuses to help. Just cuts me cold turkey, no tapper not even if I promise to let him give them to me as he sees fit.
I'm sick. Psych appt in 2 days. I don't even know what I'm going to say.
I feel so unsupported and alone.
 
from a (non-selfish) self-harmers point of view

rangrz said:
the trauma it causes everyone else is awful. Try to place the others before self sometimes.
Click to expand...

not helpful really
wud u say this to an addict? someone w/an eating disorder?
self-harm such as cutting (or burning ur skin like i do) is, like the above examples, impulsive behaviour, often caused by unhappiness, inability to cope wiv a stressful life, traumatic events, low self-esteem or self-loathing, having a disorder like BPD (which basically is the disorder of impulsive behaviour due to self-loathing)....or even just having an addiction, etc, feeling guilty about it and 'punishing urself' for it

wen i burn its usually either cos im feeling full of emotional pain (usually caused by self-loathing/feeling hurt/my brain filling wiv memories i cant cope wiv).....i am overwhelmed wiv cravings (as intense as the cravings i get for crystal meth, easily), sometimes if im distressed enough ill even dissociate so i dont know wat im doing and then my body will go into autopilot and carry out the deed that helps me cope w/emotional pain, my brain working subconsciously
basically i can take a lot of physical pain - im an ex-event rider.....ive broken almost evry bone in my body
and id rather hav my bones broken than b put down
so wen i burn my skin i am doing it to give me some intense physical pain to concentrate on to take my mind off the crippling emotional pain

self-harming is an addiction too :\

trying to (and probly succeeding wiv some of us, knowing how sensitive self-harmers can b) make us feel guilty bout self-harming is neither appropriate nor constructive for this thread, in fact it cud b triggering for the most damaged of us - this thread is for ppl who DO self-harm and r here to help/support each other thru something that only we r able to understand

i havnt self-harmed since i was staying down at the hunting lodge and Keira and i had a fight
i blamed myself wen she had a BPD episode and had to take some seroquel to stop her from 'splitting' me black (ie. deciding she seriously hated me even tho weve bn in luv for a couple of months....it happens wiv BPD) - as soon as i saw her taking those pills i thought bout wat a stupid piece of shit i am and how i make trouble and how i hate myself cos of the trouble i make....then i got that overwhelming craving.....cud hav taken some zyprexa (i cant take seroquel) but i try to avoid using antipsychs cos, having ADHD, i hav enough problems wiv symptoms of dopamine depletion - i hate how i feel after taking zyprexa, esp the next day
i didnt hav anybody to comfort me cos mum was asleep, my cuz and his son were out hunting and i all of a sudden thought 'u deserve to burn urself...ur worth shit all - ur a bad person' - so i pulled out a lighter, held it down just above my leg snd transferred the emotional feelings to a mere ugly big blister

does that make me selfish?
well, i dont think anyones used that word to describe me before....so maybe u nd to learn a bit more bout self-harming before using labels that dont help anyone!

the person u saw whod cut themselves.....why did they do it? theres always a reason....and its a hard habit to break, esp if they want to stop but theyre living in triggering circumstances

u say ur cold-hearted - well maybe u cud at least try putting urself in the shoes of those who do it.....might b a gd exercise to soften ur heart!

i mean do u seriously think ppl cut (or burn) themselves cos they get a kick out of it?????????
 
He doesn't think we enjoy it. He is used to the blood and gore of war and stuff but for some reason this, kinda gets to him. That is what he is trying to say. He's a friend and has helped me from time to time.
I'd hard for people to see mental illness as a disease at all. I didn't choose this. This is my hell. I don't want this. But all we often hear is shit that never helps. Same old crap.
But let me translate for him: Fight hurting yourself. It does hurt others to see you hurt, because guess what, they do care. Even those that are hardened, your pain hurts them. They want to take it away and make it better but they can't.

What to you think Rangrz?
 
Doing much better, my brain is "healing" and responding to the meds. Now I wish I could rub this stuff on my arm and it would heal...
 
I used to get very depressed when i was in the hospital thinking that Ulcerative Colitus was going to take my life. In fact, I can remember an incident where an idiot nurse threw away a old bag of dilaudid that was hooked to my self-pump machine which still contained alot of dilaudid in it. This was back when I knew very little of drugs/addiction/suffering, but I took the remains of the bag and hid them, then i asked a nurse for a "suvenir" syringe that didnt have a needle point so that I can have an artifact that proved my extensive stay at the hospital. When she left I put the dilaudid I had hidden into the syringe and screwed the top of it into my IV port, aka Picc Line IV. I injected the entire thing. I was seeking relief from the massive amount of pain that Ulcerative Colitus causes.

My message is to fight what ever desease you have, I understand what pain and depression are, and if people call you freak, or coward, STEP past them because you are bigger then that.

I see peoples lives crumble to nothing because of depression. Shit... one of my good friend who recently became a father is having to deal with the mother of his child cutting herself and threatening to take their baby to Alabama to live with her parents without him. And this chick has two kids with two different farthers... He is literally freakin tha fuc out.

I know this sounds cliche but take my advice from someone who has been there and lived through it.... and if i can come out happy and strong, anyone can.

To quote Good Charlotte,

"This world, this world is cold
But you don�t, you don�t have to go
You�re feeling sad you�re feeling lonely
And no one seems to care
You�re mother�s gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bare

But we all bleed the same way as you do
We all have the same things to go thru"

Hold on! Because people care, I care, just hold on.
 
blame or not, at least you can see a problem that needs addressing, but now how to address it...

im laying here holding back screaming bloodymurder from chronic pain, doing the same thing almost; rationalizing, being rational ;) processing, and communicating in a healthy way.

:)
 
Oh my, what kind of chronic pain? I know it sucks going through that, ill say a little prayer for us tonight my friend. Keep up the positive attidude even though its hard.
 
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