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Self-harm support thread v. 3

Cloudburst said:
I don't cut, I just hit my knuckles repeatedly with a guitar very hard. I'm not depressed. Pain is beauty to me because it affects us more than joy we just got language messed up in that aspect in that aspect so it's ineffable. I prefer to beat myself. I don't feel better afterwards. I just feel like it. Why not do anything? I'll do whatever the fuck I want I'm impervious. I literally am impervious.

EDIT: For insance, eye edited for noo reason becauase i can do wha i want include use langeusa "IMPROPERLY" i can do wha i want.

NOT HIGH either have not been in a long time. I am impervious that's all.
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Obviously I was in the early stages of psychosis (yes, it actually got worse). I always associated cutting with emotional turmoil but this experience taught me that self-inflicted harm can be just as likely with thought disorders. I had thought I was Bruce Lee and literally just punched solid objects with extreme force. Imagine coming back to reality (which I haven't quite yet) and realizing you potentially broke your knuckles over something ridiculous you can barely remember, if at all.

Anyone have any similar events? Self-harm induced not by emotional issues but psychosis and the like.
 
I had a super rough day today. I went to coffee with a girl I had been in rehab with. I thought she was clean, but toward the end of our meet up, she asked if I wanted to go get dope. Somehow, I found the willpower to decline.

I came home, and saw on facebook that a guy I knew, the brother of an old using friend of mine, OD'd and died this morning.

I was doing okay with not cutting since I threw out the razors, but my recent discovery of knives has been a real set back. They do a lot of damage :\
 
Why not damage what has caused you damage? It's all going around in circles in the end, at one point you just gotta say "fuck it" and get rid of those knives as fast and immediately as possible, or back in the whirlpool again.
 
Do they know of your problem? If they don't, the biggest favor you could make yourself right now is to let them know, as impossible as it seems.
 
they know. i have been in treatment for it before. i don't think they know it is going on currently though.
 
Treatment as in mental hospital? If that's the case, are you like me and scared of that place to the point where you'll actually be disguising the truth? I could understand that but I am jumping to assumptions.
 
Not really, I would actually love to go back to the hospital I was at for some more long term treatment, but I don't have insurance anymore, so I would be sent to the state hospital. THAT, I don't want.
 
State hospital will give anyone PTSD. I've only been to the catastrophe-psych-ward-lockdown hospitals, but I personally can't imagine any mental hospital being pleasant unless you've gone through the process of complete institutionalization.

Anyway, have you been cutting as of now? If not, perhaps this serves to demonstrate distracting yourself helps a lot.
 
As cutting is a fairly new symptom of my anxiety/depression (last 6 months or so), I am concerned about what to tell my new primary care physician if she sees my current scars... The ones on my arm are healing nicely and should be completely faded out by the time I see her, but the star shape on my inner thigh I have a hard time not adding to in those overwhelming moments. I was thinking about trying to keep up the self control and give my body two weeks to minimize the damage and cover up the remainder with make up... Has this worked for anyone?

Goddamn, all of these complications make me miss how positive the general response from authorities is with regards to the external signs of a fairly-well hidden ED...
 
littlegirlblue said:
I was thinking about trying to keep up the self control and give my body two weeks to minimize the damage and cover up the remainder with make up... Has this worked for anyone?
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Umm to be honest, make-up doesn't really cover up scars completely. It does depend on the quality of the brand you use though, the more expensive concealers (correctly matched with your skin tone) can cover them up quite nicely, but you will still be able to see the white/lighter tone of the scar underneath.
The absolute best thing you can do is to try and abstain from cutting so you don't create any new scars.
And also, please don't be scared about telling your physician about your ED and your cutting. It's important for them to know the truth, so they can treat you as best as possible. I know it's awkward and extremely confronting to be honest to people about stuff like this, but in the end it could be for the best <3
 
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They'll know and know it was self-inflicted regardless of stars or whatever, coming from a child of a doctor and RN. They can even tell if you stuck a needle in your vein 2 weeks ago. They don't mention it though unless it seems really dire but I would not consider yours bad enough for a referral. Some get more worried than others, they're individuals too but unfortunately this is all too common to warrant any repercussions (in your eyes, at least). Generally, it's at your discretion to tell them.
 
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Everytime I feel any negative emotion, I just simply turn to pain. I've been to bullshit doctors/meetings and that has amounted to nothing, same old song and dance. I'm glad it works for some. The first thing I think of is punching a wall, cutting, anything to rid of it. It's the only thing I can feel that makes me feel, normal/alive. I'm so fucking sick of it, I swore of cutting a week ago, but at this rate it's just going to be another broken promise, just another, after another. I don't even know what to say other than sounding like a broken record. I can't deal with my emotions, 95 percent of which are negative, and it's just an accident waiting to happen. The pain feels so good. I love it, yet hate it more than anything. It seems inescapable.
 
I'm actually really in agreement with you crak.

I cut again tonight. I was super anxious and depressed at the build up and then when I finally cut it was such a release. I notice that after I cut I get really sleepy--like my body is saying that everything is finally okay and you can be calm now.
 
Yeah kinda like your body is finally at peace with itself, I get drowsy too after. The blood loss sometimes doesn't exactly demote that though heh. But yeah, glad to know someone knows where I'm kinda coming from, thanks.
 
Yep I remember the drowsy feeling too. It's a direct effect of the endorphin-release in the brain post-cutting.

kc you really need to break this cycle hun, before it gets any worse. Have you got a counsellor you can call to talk about it? Do you think you could try doing some exercise whenever you feel the need to get the endorphin rush? Even just going for a fast run down the street and back will have the desired effect. There are other ways to get good feelings, you don't need cutting.
 
Cloudburst said:
Anyone have any similar events? Self-harm induced not by emotional issues but psychosis and the like.
Click to expand...

Absolutely. During my last major psychosis, I had cut my arms and was ready to drive to the nearest bridge and jump off. But the police intervened... I then decided to take my anger out on them instead. One cop received a punch in the face, and another will be needing Hep C checks for the next few months after I bit my tongue and spat blood in her face.
 
It's so unpredictable, one minute I'm running around with a sword in my house, eventually trying to amputate my arm before being lockpicked (which personally is a bit worse than cutting in my opinion), and trying to jump out the window for really no reason at all (sometimes psychosis is completely random and unjustified it seems). The cops come of course, 4 squad cars, I run downstairs with their beanbag guns ready and just buddy-buddy them, hugs and shit, trying to have them let their guard down so I could beat their fucking asses (you get superhuman strength when this happens, I swear to god) but I was strapped down before that could occur. Random chaos as it goes.

How is the guilt now? Mine is pretty horrible and will probably always stay with me. Makes me feel like an inherently bad person considering people, including me, judge others (and myself) by their acts and not their inherent virtues.
 
I've never been a cutter but I used to pull out my hair all of the time starting in middle school. I actually pulled all of my eyelashes out at one point. It's called trichitillomania and most people afflicted with it end up pulling out waaaay more hair than I did. For whatever reason I didn't have a hard time stopping it after I realized how bad it had gotten. Most of the time I did it on a subconscious level and didn't even notice I was doing it. I've seen a lot of people with this condition end up damn near bald, eyebrowless, etc. and it's just awful.

Many psychologists and psychiatrists consider it a form of obsessive compulsive disorder as of the release of the most recent Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders but that's kind of a recent thing. Not all doctors agree with this. I can see it being the case for many though because when I would consciously go at it, I was very "O.C.D" about pulling it out.

I also think it's a form of self-injury/punishment.

The whole thing was sooo embarrassing and I'm glad it's a thing of the past. I love my hair, I have great eyelashes, etc. and it would be a tragedy if I fucked with any of it again.
 
I'm a fucking dumbass, I did it last night. I'm just so angry at the world right now as one of my fiancee's close friends is as good as dead due to a heroin overdose...I just couldn't take it.
I'm at work right now & considering stealing a knife so I can cut again....I just don't want to be hurting this much. I'm more upset cuz the hurt is messing me up & I keep zoning out so my managers keep yelling....I don't wanna be here right now but I haven't had a chance to talk to my awesome manager & let her know what's up.

It's not too easy at home either. I don't know what to say or do incase I say or do the wrong thing.....I don't wanna feel like this :(
 
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