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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Self-harm support thread v. 3

Haven't really mentioned it here, but I've been on a pill binge for the past few weeks--benzos, hydros, ambien, soma, etc., not to mention DXM and weed. If I had the transportation, I would be doing heroin. I just know it.

I feel so bad that I get PMs from people in this sub-forum telling me how proud they are of me and how I've helped them, and I feel bad going to classes for substance abuse counseling after getting high, or before getting high, or WHILE getting high.

I bought more razors today after throwing some out a few weeks ago. It doesn't matter anymore. I started using kitchen knives and the razor from my eyeliner pencil so apparently I will do it anyway and I figure I might as well have the tool I prefer.

I'm just so tired of being sad. I'm going to see a counselor on Thursday and I really hope she can help me because I just don't know what to do anymore.
 
Got that urge again. I keep thinking about my switchblade, and the razor blades I have stored away in a box.

I'm trying to distract myself... we'll see if it works or not.
 
^^ Why don't you throw out your razors Sweet P?? Then there will be much less temptation and obsessive thoughts. Do you think you could do that? <3

kc, do you think you should consider getting some help again for your drug use? You're not happy with how things are going, you have the power to change your situation. I know you can be happy again hun <3
 
Finally, a group of people who share the idea that self-harming can be almost beneficial in a mental way, but also destructive in the same way. I've been through heroin and oxy WD, kicked them both for over 4 months now but still, the most addictive thing is the bliss one receives as that blade slowly slices the skin, the peace as the blood trickles.
I promised my girlfriend I'd stop, I wouldn't do it again but I couldn't help it, it's like a dark cloud overshadowing everything. I disgust myself looking at my scars, day in day out reminders on the things I've done, the past I've led, the pain I've caused and endured ten-fold.
Does anyone else notice a kind of nostalgia feeling - almost every time I've cut myself it's been with the same thing; a pair of black handled scissors. Every time they're in my hand I just think to myself: I could end it all right now, the pain would be gone.
 
Honey, please stop before you do too much damage. You need to talk to someone about how you're feeling, can you call a friend or speak to your boyfriend, or maybe your mum or dad? You will get through this hun, please just hang in there and don't do any more damage to yourself okay?? <3
 
Is the intention on cutting your neck to cause maximal pain? I'm not encouraging cutting at all, of course, but there are more painful places that are not as deadly.

By the way, just to be brutally honest, don't ever tell yourself "but I'll be fine." That denial just makes everything so much worse. Try your best to analyze everything you're saying and see if there are any flaws in your thinking, if you can (as honestly, I have not done so myself, writing cathartic posts) to reflect on any flaws in your thinking process. It might be impossible, but I could only hope you'd get the hang of it.

Best of luck to you.
 
billyswifey said:
Parents are scared shitless.
Click to expand...

Your parents might be scared, but that doesn't mean they won't help you hun. I really think you need to open up to a loved one about what you're going through. What about your psych? Are you seeing them any time soon?
 
ive spent quite a bit of my life cutting.its nothing to do with wanting to die for me though its just genuinly calms me down and makes me see sense
it dosnt help afterwards though when i gotta deal with the scars an stuff always feel like a bit of a fool.meh
 
Self-harm is really something insidious which can stay with us for so many years, even afer recovery. But we all have the strength within us to continue the fight. No matter how much we are tempted, our minds have the strength to overcome the urges/cravings.

The last time I cut was in October 2008, and this whole time I've been doing so well. But lately I've been slowly, gradually slipping down the slope, particularly over the last couple of months. A few nights ago, for some reason that I cannot recall, I punched the wall many times with both fists, which has always been a usual form of self-harm for me. Both of my hands are purple with bruises, thankfully no-one in my personal life has seen/questioned it. It was a MASSIVE warning sign for me that things could escalate very very quickly.

Then tonight, for no real reason, I suddenly went in to auto-pilot mode of cutting, and almost in a trance, went through my usual ritual/routine of disinfecting my skin, gathering up my wound-aides, sharpening my impliment.......but something in my brain said STOP, literally just before I put blade-to-skin. And I suddenly realised what the fuck I was doing, and that I didn't want to wake up in the morning with a fresh cut. At that instant I remembered the consequences of the life-long scars, the questions from my loved-ones, the questions from people who I've just met at university, the questions from my workmates who all think I'm as pure as snow. I made the judgement, in that instant, as much as my body craved the endorphin-rush, that it's not worth cutting, that there are more effective ways of dealing with shit. Ultimately, cutting causes more problems than it solves.

If I can come to that realisation, with the knife in my very hand, and STOP myself from proceeding, then you all can too.
 
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