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Self-harm support thread v. 3

panic in paradise said:
zap, if you are going to try and destroy you, 'as you feel you are meant to be'... i dont know what to say... you have done more work for and been through more hell then most of us know of.

youve lived so much life, a bunch of shit? yeah, me too, its fucked, but for some reason it is this way. iam physically ruined, with the odds ive hit as far as diseases, i should of hit the lottery several times, more probably.

for some reason... i know mental diseases/disorders/misfires, are just as painful, being schizoeffective. im lucky kind od because the nature of that is to come and go, you live with this beast, and its a nasty one. but you beat it with a damn bat, the best you can and its been a lot... + how old are you again anyway?!?

idk, from the bottom of my heart, please let that blade lay, and let the old scars stay where they are.
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Thank you, PIP. It means more to me to read this than you know. I'm convinced this was a momentary thing, something I did in the heat of the moment and got out of my system. Lately I take out my rage on walls, though. It's not alot better but it doesn't leave scars. Some shit happened at the bar I go to last night, plus I'm now homeless again cause my roommate and me had a fight over him being disrespectful toward me being trans. Whatever, I'm better off without him. I'm getting into housing of my own but not soon enough. And you're right, I don't need to destroy this body, after everything I've done and am going to do to change it. Thanks for bring me to my senses.

Oh, and I'm 19. 20 in august.
 
The drugs are really messing with my head today. Lately I don't get out of bed, always tired and feeling more and more worthless that I can't get the motivation to do anything. I didn't have school this week and didn't even work and the house is a mess. I do nothing. Once I start feeling worthless, cutting just seems to be right behind it. Haven't yet but been thinking about it. Perhaps my poor brain is crying out of some kinda of endorphins. Who am I to say no....
 
I don't cut, I just hit my knuckles repeatedly with a guitar very hard. I'm not depressed. Pain is beauty to me because it affects us more than joy we just got language messed up in that aspect in that aspect so it's ineffable. I prefer to beat myself. I don't feel better afterwards. I just feel like it. Why not do anything? I'll do whatever the fuck I want I'm impervious. I literally am impervious.

EDIT: For insance, eye edited for noo reason becauase i can do wha i want include use langeusa "IMPROPERLY" i can do wha i want.

NOT HIGH either have not been in a long time. I am impervious that's all.
 
I was a cutter when I was 13 through... 17 or so, if I had to put an age on it. I was going through some things that I was unaware how to deal with. Voicing my opinion was not an option, keeping it to myself had seemed to make it worse... drawing blood from my body seemed to help. I would cut my legs and tell my mom it was my period when she saw my blood soaked bed or pj pants so it wouldn't raise concern.

Get ready for cliche movie material:
One day when I grabbed a razor and sat on the floor in the bathroom. I realized the one I had in my hand was somewhat rusty so I stood up to get a new one and looked into the mirror and pictured my mother standing right next to me and what she would do/say if she saw me. I had kind of an epiphany, or moment, or whatever.

I now take out my desire for self harm sexually, with my boyfriend and never solo. Not for the "wrong" reasons, fun for both parties and I still get that "ahhhh" satisfaction that I remember from when I was younger.
 
Ok Im empty. I am absolutely addicted to cutting. Everytime my emotions go for the worse (most of the time) I cut go straight for the razor. I used to do it as just a release of emotion and pain, but it is now a full blown addiction. If I dont do it, I go crazy, its too much of a release. I will sit in my bathroom and absolutely butcher my legs to the point where I get light headed then lay down and cry for long periods of times because eventhough Im fucked up, I know what its doing to me. I think about it everyday and its inevitable that I do it atleast every other night. Im lost and dont know what to do. Ive had drug addictions in the past but theyre old news, this is my coping mechanism now and it seems quite unavoidable. Besides the old fashioned inpatient psych stay, is there anything I can do to help myself. Im pretty desperate. Ive lost my family, girlfriend, and friends over this matter.
 
im feeling the same, sort of.

you want to drown in self pity.

you dont understand why you feel so much pain, but you do know; after cutting.


im literally shaking fighting the urge, and its a once every several year urge,,, i try and justify by thinking, well its not normal for me, but its no good just the same.
 
Hang in there Pip. You are so great. A wonderful and thoughtful person, please don't hurt yourself.
I'm here if you need to talk, always.
much love <3
 
i wouldnt damage my self, im so sick of the constant regret, worry, pain, and tediousness of doing, nothing all damn day everyday, except go from one hospital/doctor/specialist to the next.

I WANT A LIFE, & THIS IS NOT LIVING

and i feel i cannot properly vent with out looking reckless, fucking my chances of obtaining what i feel ive worked for years for, if nothing else.

i pissed it off though, so fuck me dead.
 
oh man, i cant remember names, but there has been a lot of times where that has happened with posters here alone, and they come back with better results in the long run it seems then with drugs&drink.

i will add if i may... that we have and have had some devoted chronic cutters&masochists that have turned around and not looked back for their own personal reasons.

hopefully you will find your own, personal reason.

<3

i feel bad bringing it up in here, my rational isnt the same as 99% of others, i want to cover physical pain,, in a flip\/flop way of detouring the pain. i take a drug that drops my immune system drastically, so if i got an infection it could get bad. plus im anemic, so me with a bleeding wound would be especially risky.
 
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for me cutting and drug abuse have often gone hand in hand. sober most of the time i can deal with the intense emotions involved with the urge to self harm. once i overdo the benzos/alcohol is usually when it gets messy. over time ive learned that if im feeling overwhelmed, the worst thing i can do is get 'fucked up' because usually then is the time i can rationalise such self destructive behaviour. that being said, because the escape is what im looking for, whenever i get in this state, i usually take a stack of benzos which then leads to the self harm.

the best advice i can offer is to do your best to stay away from alcohol/benzos when in such a state. much easier said than done though and this lapse in judgment is usually the cause for most of my scars.

likewise sometimes the fact that its so bad for me is why i do it in the first place. its extremely difficult at the best of times to express emotional pain, and the cutting allows the release of the emotion in physical terms - something which seems real.

there is no escaping it in the long term though which is the realisation that helps with staying away from the blade. its just another temporary fix, and at the end of the day, after the blood and the pain, the emotional pain is still there, waiting to return the next time. the only sensible logical option (and the most difficult tortuous one) is to face these issues properly, sober.

it is such a difficult thing to let go of. being here in this thread and trying to get help is the first step. throw away the blade and let go of the rituals youve created with cutting and that avenue of releasing the pain.

seek therapy and avoid the inhibition escaping drug abuse. develop other coping mechanisms to set up and make yourself do those before reverting to cutting. writing helps along with visiting this thread to read about others and offering whatever advice and help can also help. a common self defense mechanism is projection. often offering advice to someone else who cuts can subconsciously help you to take the advice yourself. opening yourself up to advice which is infinitely more difficult to take yourself.

best of luck to everyone here in the cutting thread. stay strong.
 
I'm planning to get a tattoo (of a black rose) on my forearm soon to cover up the scars.

I'd much rather have people looking at a tat than looking at my old cuts.
 
That's a good idea P. I considered that too, but I only have them on my legs and only my girlfriend sees them, so I'm not too worried anymore.
 
Brilliant post versd, thank you <3


Sweet P, that is a beautiful idea hun, go for it :)
I'll eventually get my scars covered with tatts, when I have the money...
 
n3ophy7e said:
Wow man, that is like the combination most conducive to self-harm that I have ever known. Not good at all.
I'm really sorry to hear you did this. I sincerely hope it's a one-off and that you don't develop a liking for it (for want of a better phrase).
It's really hard to see things from other people's point of view when we're depressed but please try to adhere to her wishes, and please try not to do it again. It really does not serve any purpose and doesn't lead to anything good. Of all the years I have been active in this thread, there is not one person I've read from who likes what they do to themselves, or found anything good from self-harm (except maybe when they eventually quit doing it ;))

If you feel any urges to cut again, please distract yourself. The urges subside pretty quickly if you manage to distract yourself. Your girlfriend can help you with this as well, because she has been there herself. Talk to her about it, work through this together <3

How are things with your depression at the moment, in terms of treatment? It might be worth taking a new look at that situation as well.

Please take care mate <3
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Thanks for the words... depression just got worse and I ended up being hospitalized just a few days ago for it and anxiety, out now on citalopram and valium but fuck it I don't think I'm going to take the citalopram and they only gave me 50mg of valium. 8)

I'm thinking of self-harming again now simply because I'm so edgy... I'm drying out, going from almost daily drug and alcohol abuse to zero and I can't do it. I'm under close supervision by family and girlfriend, so not able to score anything or dose up on the valium or even buy booze. I've got nothing to do but drink coffee, chain smoke and post on BL.
 
I found some Vicodin yesterday, and took it both yesterday and today.

I'm really high right now, and I felt terrible about it, so I decided to cut. I didn't have razors, so I used a kitchen knife. I've never really used a knife to cut, at least not to the point where I bled. It's very different from using a razor.
 
^ Ha, you cut because you are high and I want to cut because I'm not high.

Oh, the irony.

Wish I had something helpful to say but I'm looking for help myself...
 
Think cutting will always be something I have to deal with. I honestly don't think i'll ever get to a stage where I will never do it again.

Don't get me wrong i'm doing so well right now, started cutting about 6 years ago and stopped properly about 4. Just every once in a while something happens that I can't deal with or something out of my control and the appeal of that one little tiny razor blade slicing through your skin becomes so enticing again. Can count on one hand how many times i've slipped up in the past 4 years, 5 times. I can live with that, if that's how it gunna be for me I can't complain compared to where I used to be.
 
Cutting on drugs is one of the worst things you can do. I cut myself WAY worse than I meant to because I was high and ended up in the ER!
 
Mr Blonde said:
I'm under close supervision by family and girlfriend, so not able to score anything or dose up on the valium or even buy booze. I've got nothing to do but drink coffee, chain smoke and post on BL.
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Utelise the support of your family and girlfriend, let them help you get through this. Because you WILL get through this! Don't be afraid of telling them how you're feeling, just talk it through, instead of acting on it.


kc that sucks you did it hun :(
Is the wound okay? Knives can be a lot more damaging because you can get more force behind them, but the good thing is that most kitchen knives aren't as sharp as razors, because they usually haven't been manually sharpened for a while.

Except if you purposefully sharpen them prior to cutting.....like I used to :|
NOT GOOD

CbRoXiDe, so good to hear you've quit cutting <3
We all have slip-ups though, it's just like any other addiction. Just stay strong and keep up the good work, you know you don't need to cut anymore.
 
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