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Say something you can't say to their face

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atara said:
That's a big step. Hope you're doing ok. Hope it's not too dry.
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The joint was in a sealed container so it was just fine.

I'm not doing too well. I was getting a bit agoraphobic. I am afraid nothing's going to work and I'm just going to give up too. I still think about dying a lot but have a lot to live for. I don't want to leave a heap of devastation at my other people's doorsteps as my best friend did. I can't believe he just gave up like that.

Deep breaths. Patience with the body. Stuff like that.

Was taking quite high dosages of alprazolam per day at first to cope with things. Am basically off it now. Only a little alcohol or half bar at night or day-drinking or what not. I don't really like drinking and it doesn't agree well with my body. I basically just want to be alone. Other people have a hard time understanding that. They are more social and want more comfort. I just want less of everything. It's probably why people seek out alcohol/BZD's to begin with.
 
Thanks. I have to remember patience with myself.

I had a good morning for the first time in a while. It was nice to form a connection and to be alright.

Life has a funny way of continually surprising you despite remaining seemingly static.
 
I went to our favorite bar. Yes, I said I'd never go back there with you, to discourage you from drinking. But you weren't there.

I talked to and people watched quite a bit right before closing. It was the most fun I've had, on my own, in reality in a long time. Thank you for being there for me while I was alive. I hope I'm there for us while you're dead.

I'm really enjoying how I feel. I will probably wake up feeling alright. Maybe needing coffee to get going but I have fun plans tomorrow too.
 
You'd be surprised that I'm more outgoing and confident now. I think perhaps knowing you bestowed that love of life attitude I was missing before and I don't want the best parts of you to disappear. It's nice to know you had a positive effect on others, especially myself.

You would have loved the beer, my friend. The atmosphere was something else. You would have just loved it.

Trump is spanking China and all is well on the homefront.
 
I'm having a lot of memories come back, the good ones. This one made me cry just a little, in a good way. I remember when we were walking to get beers one time and there was this homeless elderly lady out of it, intoxicated I am almost entirely sure and she needed help up. You helped her up and I remember that and I do more now to be like you in that respect. I wish you could be here to see me now, though I'm sure some say you are "looking down on me" that does not help because I don't believe in that.

You were a good person who helped others, and I'll always remember that.
 
I went out to our favorite bar again. I'm sure no one there remembers or would recognize you. I've talked to just four people who remember you outside of your family. There were a variety of reactions. It was good to know you were a pleasant part of other people's lives. I had two beers and sips of many more (they were mostly not that appealing; I'm glad I bought the two I did) and I wish you could have been there with me, even if you weren't drinking, just to spend time with me.

I'm sure the temptation was too great and you'd have relapsed anyways, and I respect your decision. It's hard to know you gave up on life but I don't blame you for it. I think about it all the time, though I'm oddly comforted by knowing that there are others who need me here, like your parents, because they don't have anyone now. There are your friends on facebook, and I wonder if I should just leave your profile up or log in one day to update it to reflect the fact you have passed away in a tasteful manner. Perhaps not telling everyone is what you'd have wanted. I'm hoping I make the right decisions as time goes on, not just regarding the past but to the future.

I miss you.
 
I thought about you the other night because you were supposed to be off probation last month. I looked you up in the system and it shows you're now in prison.
There is so much guilt weighing me down because maybe you gave up after I told you to leave me alone for good. You made your own decisions and I can't blame myself, but I still feel terrible for you. We just didn't work out. You put me through too much when we were together.

Found an old card of yours today "Forgive me because I'm lost without you."

My heart breaks.
 
I overheard you telling your fellow dude bro you get 90 Adderall a month. With all those amphetamines and booze throughout the day, your dick game is probably weak anyway.
 
Talking to you drunk is at best annoying to me. (Not directed to anyone on BL)
 
I have done everything I have ever wanted to do in life. The only thing left is to die and rot in the ground.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Opened up elsewhere. I am just being honest. Lots of bad things in life but I still want to live. There's just nothing more in life I really truly want.
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I get it. That's a part of why I was struggling too. I don't care about what society cares about: marriage, children, materialistic things. It doesn't mean anything to me. I really hope you find something that ignites a passion inside because you're worth it!
 
No, I'm not. I have found things that ignite passion. I've gotten to know them, and then some. Mastered certain accomplishments. There's nothing left. I'm just living without any real meaning. There isn't going to be one. I think it's something I'm working on accepting.
 
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