It's a struggle for me, so hard to understand. I can't find logic or reason in the horrible attributes you've so generously passed down to your only daughter, all the bad memories that have enraged me to the point where I couldn't function in a healthy state. I could say these things to your face and have but it just never fails to seem like you hear me/ don't care to hear me. YOU were the shitty parent. It's sickening to think back to all the time I spent hating my mom. A result from your poisonous hatred that you used to manipulate me with propaganda bullshit. Because you were bitter that she finally had enough? That's why you broke my innocence and shared this trait of illogical/unnecessary hatred? She loved you so much that she let you break her. You broke us all in our own ways. My brother who never met his biological father, loved you so much, you were his hero. My sisters who also had a shithead dad self entitled to his selfish needs was gone so often that you were their dad. I hear you were a good human at one point, I wasn't born yet so I didn't get to see this light. That's the hardest part of all of this, I grew to deal with all the other shit and most of us fixed our "broken" but how could you show this amazing person for 4 years just to one day come home and be polar opposite.. we all have trust issues from you. I get the trauma trust me i do. There's been many times I've been unable to control my emotions but taking your anger out on children is not comprehensible on a personal understanding. I've had a lot of time in my life to be around children from being an aunt when my sister had her first 2 kids before I was a teen, I am not declined to see how child/parenting should/shouldnt happen... fuck i had custody when I was 18 and showed more love than you ever did in a few months time. With saying this I need to conclude my words with a personal opinion on the entirety of emotional struggle and prevailing. You had custody after the divorce because I didn't want to go with mom, fair enough. Put aside all of your abuse and focus on how I moved out when I wasn't even legally an adult, sped past cocaine and occasionally Crack to everything on the menu of st drugs and more than ever selfdestructed with my love for heroin/fent/opiates. Now jump through time and compare my worst to current day. I got off of that shit all by myself. I had no direction for you let go of the little bit of parenting that you did attempt to help with and I guess I wouldnt let anyone "in". Consider all of these factors. Now, tell me, do you understand why I would turn gratitude of emotional pain+trauma into a tool I use to prevail? I'll assume "no" and probably some ignorant comment regarding a shrink, education that you believe is needed... essentially "bullshit" is what I think your response would inspire.
With all the horrible filth I was exposed to and especially so, when I chose to date a sociopath sick motherfuck... I have learned so much from growing and coping through it all in this young life of mine that can honestly say I understand the world a lot better than you do. a lot better than most closed minded mature adults do. It's hard to love myself for a stupid never ending list of self critism that I subcontiously use against my every move. Second guessing my decisions in any aspect... it sucks but I'm getting through this and I only recently noticed that I have this mental hate on for myself... I don't like to point fingers but if the shoe fits? (;
Conclusion is that I thank this suffering for showing me things that i wouldn't have learned without the struggle. I grow intellectually, every day. I grow to love myself a fraction more, every day. So yes, thank you sick head and sad soul but no thanks to you for acting like a cunt or the other evil mfs of the world.
Well i guess ill be seeing you on Monday, lunch visit. Always feels more like a fucking appointment.
