I already caved and did it last night, but it did make me realize one thing, in fact this whole entire situation did. How motherfucking DONE I am with all this bullshit. I hate this drug, and indirectly or not, I would not be in this situation without it. I ended up just getting pissed the fuck off at it and trashing the rest of it and whatever paraphernalia I had left. I realized that just cuz I got clean didnt automatically mean everything gets better, and that there will be fucked up situations outside my control. Im tired of letting outside forces and people control it. So im taking it back. Because what I CAN control is whether or not I choose to face hardships like this without the added burden of using.
Ive pretty much accepted the situation im in now... literally taking it one day at a time. Today I will focus on today, and that means getting my signatures and preparing for court. Whatever happens at court will happen and it couldn't get much worse anyway. At least if I do get thrown in jail I will have food and a place to sleep, as fucked as it sounds. I refuse to think any further ahead than that for right now. But whatever is gonna come today or tomorrow or the next day, I am done cowering from it and letting it control me. I WILL get through this, sick or not, homeless or not, I dont care... I am making life my bitch from now on. Whatever it throws at me, I've had enough of a fire lit under my ass to say bring it the fuck on, as opposed to running and hiding from it in fear. I dont care how bad life gets... there is NO such thing as a situation that cant be turned around. If my other option is to give up and give in, then fuck it... I'm up for the challenge. Lets do this shit.