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PAWS is a bitch and I missed you guys

NSA I texted you :)

Thanks cj! I have been going on short walks the past few days, from what I remember getting back into exercising as soon as possible makes a really big difference. Ive been teaching myself to skateboard again... you should see me, its hilarious. And i'm REALLY stoked that snowboarding season is coming up soon... I can't wait to get back on a board!!!! I sold mine for dope long ago, so at least I have a goal -- save for a new board asap. Snowboarding is the only thing that has ever made me happier than using. No feeling compares to flying down a mountain... not even heroin. I used to go everyday during the winter and I miss it. So I have that to look forward to at least... it will be my reward for staying clean, since god knows I never had the money when I was using.

My girlfriend and I are going to an HA meeting tonight too :)

VE - I have been trying to set small goals... like go on at least one walk a day. Took some recycling in yesterday and today I am organizing my clothes. Just stuff I have been putting off. It does help. My girlfriend is having a rough time... more than me, but i am proud of her because her DOC has always been meth more so than heroin and I know she has some that she hasnt touched in days. We are both going through it in our own way, but at least we have each other. Neither of us wants to go back to using.

And yeah I was in the Marines. A lot of stuff that happened there is the reason for my addiction, but that is all in my past now. Give yourself some credit though, I bet you would make it through boot camp with flying colors!! You're a strong person :)
 
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Hey Burton, I'm late to the thread but so happy to hear you are 1) Back on your feet and ready for this (you are amazing) 2) in love! and 3) being practical as well as philosophical. What part of this big old State of CA are you in? (You can PM that if you want).
 
herbavore!! Great to see you <3 I'm on the south coast near Laguna/Newport :)

Sleep is getting harder and harder to come by the more I come out of detox and off my comfort meds. Last night was the worst in terms of sleep. I am fucking exhausted but avoiding caffeine, so I dont even know at this point. Still gonna stay sober... just preparing myself for a long ass day.

Here's to one week clean...
 
Sleep is always a major problem for me as well. It's going to be a problem for awhile most likely too so you need to find some meds that work. I have had success with ambien, visteril, and seroquel. Other people always recommend trazodone and melatonin though neither work for me.
 
Ok, well that's a bit too far south for me to join you for one of your daily walks.;) I have been dealing with insomnia more and more as I age and it's a bitch. I used to be able to sleep anywhere, anytime if I was tired and I never could understand how other people had a hard time with it. I used to tell them they must not really be tired or need the sleep. Now I'm getting my comeuppance big time! My latest strategy is to pick one thing to think about to not let my mind go into anxiety-overdrive. I just keep the lights off and let myself ponder one thing--it might be a habit I want to change or something of that nature. At least it makes me feel productive and short circuits my tendency to let one problem become "The sky is falling!"=D
 
Haha are you up north herbavore? I lived in Humboldt for a few months while I was working up there and I miss it. Soooo gorgeous!! Being around nature was therapeutic for me in a way, even though i was still using at the time. Or are you more central?

Cj I started out taking 1 1/2 mg of xanax to sleep along with melatonin and started reducing the benzos a few days ago. Now nothing works -_- Sleeping pills fuck me up too much. The one time I took Trazodone my roommate at the time said I just stopped talking midsentence and crashed, and I woke up with an epic hangover and ice cream melted everywhere all over me. Not fun times lol
 
^ I always get to that point too - when nothing works. I went all crazy around day 11 or 12 with the benzos this time - just trying to get some sleep! I have some ambien and that didn't do it either. Nothing helps but time. At least for me. Time and not laying around all day. Don't worry, Burtles, the sleep will come back. It's just a rough road getting there and there are pipers to be paid along the way...

what day are you on now? You are doing awesome!!

- VE
 
I know. My mind has wandered to using thoughts a few times today and I keep having to check myself and remember that time is the only thing that can help now. Its a struggle but so is using everyday, so I will keep fighting. Time to heal is the one thing I never really gave myself. The two hours of sleep I did get were a vivid dream where I was trying to find heroin... it's the first "using" dream I've had since i quit and I found myself fantasizing this morning... so I guess the next few days are gonna be a battle.

Im on day 7. I took a small piece of Suboxone yesterday but probably going to try to avoid it from here on out. At this point I feel like its just going to drag this shit out even longer and like you said there are pipers to be paid... might as well start paying them.
 
If it comes down to taking a little bit of sub or relapsing then obviously take the sub but yeah it will draw out the misery a little bit. Not sleeping is one of my biggest relapse triggers though so I always do what I got to do med wise to sleep at least every 2 days. Everyone is different though. Your doing really well! It wont be long before you start feeling better.
 
Cj I totally agree with that. I would rather take Sub than relapse any day. I just have such a small amount left that running out is inevitable, and right now I feel like i'm at the point where I don't feel like I'm better but I DO feel like it can get worse... and that's what i'm trying to avoid. Not sleeping and cold days are also triggering for me so I will do what I have to do and take another small piece if tomorrow isn't better.

I rode my board for a bit just now cuz I was going crazy just sitting around. It helped to take my mind off of it for the moment at least... skating kind of forces you to put all your focus into your body and balancing, especially if you're as rusty at it as I am lol. But me being me, I thought it would be a great idea to try and ollie off a curb and I faceplanted into some rocks... and now I'm just exhausted and my face and arm hurt and my mind is only slightly quieter than it was before.

Today is just... hard. Fucking hard man. I will get through it somehow though.
 
Ouch^^^ yeah that's the part of aggressive sports I don't miss. I think you have the right attitude about the sub. At some point your just going to have to deal with the sick. I wish I had some magic advice too give you too make it all go away but it just takes time as you know. One thing I do suggest you do right now while your struggling is too make a list of the reasons you decided to get clean. Hang that thing somewhere visible in your place. That way every time you think of relapsing there is a reminder of what your fighting for.

Hang in there your tough as nails.
 
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Haha yeah I could do without that part too!! Unfortunately that's just the nature of these types of sports... and tbh I would rather get my stamina and balance back on track this way than jump back into snowboarding headfirst... I know me, I would hurt myself bad. I can't resist taking it to that level, knowing that pushing myself to take those risks is really the only way to get better at it. I will take faceplanting into some rocks over landing a jump wrong and tumbling down a mountain into a skiier's poles any day haha.

I did go back out and skate again though so im beat. Thanks for the words of encouragement cj <3
 
Damn Burtles...
Your suppose to be kicking ops ass, not your own XD. But for real good on you for getting out there.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride for a bit but anyone who can headbutt concrete and be pissed that the concrete didn't bleed, has most definitely got this shit!
 
Hahaha... I can't help but smile every time I see that name -- Burtles lol it's great :D

It was actually kinda cool cuz I passed by some dude that was like "I saw you bail out" and we had a good laugh about it. It felt good to have a genuine, interaction with another human being. Weird but good.

Another day down! Day 8 here I come :) I just hope I get some sleep tonight. I'm gonna take your suggestion too cj and write a list and put it by my bed
 
Good morning everyone! I slept like shit again BUT things feel like they may be on the upswing. Today feels a small tiny smidgen better than yesterday. My last Suboxone was less than .25 mg two days ago, so I think im done with that but we will see.

Day 8!

Edit: I changed my mind, cravings are hitting hard... Probably going to have to take a Sub cuz I keep ALMOST coming to the point of giving in. Fuuuck. I can't. Not after I made it this far. Nothing is helping, not even skating :(

Edit 2: Took a tiny sliver of Sub. I dont even care if I prolong my withdrawals. The fact that I have court coming up in a few days in the same area that I used to score was getting to me and triggering the hell out of me. My mind was heading in the wrong direction so I just fuckin took it... oh well. I will gladly take an extra day or two of feeling like crap for another day free of the demon slavemaster that is heroin.
 
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xburtonchic said:
Cj I totally agree with that. I would rather take Sub than relapse any day. I just have such a small amount left that running out is inevitable, and right now I feel like i'm at the point where I don't feel like I'm better but I DO feel like it can get worse... and that's what i'm trying to avoid. Not sleeping and cold days are also triggering for me so I will do what I have to do and take another small piece if tomorrow isn't better.

I rode my board for a bit just now cuz I was going crazy just sitting around. It helped to take my mind off of it for the moment at least... skating kind of forces you to put all your focus into your body and balancing, especially if you're as rusty at it as I am lol. But me being me, I thought it would be a great idea to try and ollie off a curb and I faceplanted into some rocks... and now I'm just exhausted and my face and arm hurt and my mind is only slightly quieter than it was before.

Today is just... hard. Fucking hard man. I will get through it somehow though.
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Poor sleep is a predictor of relapse in alcoholism, and I gain the feeling it's also likely the same for most CNS depressants.

Try to get lots of exercise (even if it's just a little walking, if that's all you can muster the strength up to do) and eat well. It'll go a long way to getting you some sleep each night (even if it's not a full night's worth).

Expect to wake up exhausted even if you do get a full 8 hours or more.
 
I think you made a good decision with taking the sub. Whatever you have to do in order not to relapse is totally fine. I would even suggest taking a sliver before bed tonight so you get some sleep. Like captain said sleep is a huge part of maintaining your resiliency.
 
I know you guys are right... my resolve has been so weak the past two days. I legit feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, like one minute my girlfriend and I will be laughing hysterically at something stupid and the next minute I'll be hit hard with a craving. Its ridiculous. Right now what's saving me is the fact that we moved far away from where we used to score. I have maybe 2 mg of Sub left if that so I'm saving it for Monday. I'll be getting off probation and have to pass through the area where I used to score so that day is gonna be a slippery one for me (like "im off probation now so I can stop by the dealers house to celebrate" type thing you know?)... and I would be lying if I said my mind hasn't already gone there once or twice. So I probably will have to save what I have left for Monday morning so I cant use even if I want to. But it will be almost two weeks by then... hopefully this up and down bipolar and no sleep shit will have calmed down a bit... but I dont want to take any chances. Monday is going to be triggering as fuck as it is. Getting off probation or not, court in and of itself is stressful cuz my judge is an epic bitch and a hardass who enjoys throwing curveballs at people. So yeah better safe than sorry and all.

I have no plans to relapse though so still hanging in there... going into day 9 in a few hours :)
 
best of luck

it's a good sign you're able to laugh already

I couldn't laugh for so long.
 
How are you feeling today girl? Is your girlfriend feeling any better? I know you mentioned that she was really struggling in another post.
 
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