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PAWS is a bitch and I missed you guys

xburtonchic said:
Thanks TPD :)

It will be 10 days in a few hours and officially longer than ive ever been able to go without heroin on my own WITHOUT rehab or moving outta state. So that's something at least.
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That is something, congrats on your progress! :)
 
Thank you, C.H :)

So I ended up taking a small piece of Sub. I was coming way too close to the edge of my sanity and was in serious danger of relapsing as it was, and as soon as I attempted to go to sleep RLS decided to show up all uninvited. I knew I wouldnt make it through the night/tomorrow without any sleep after the damn near impossible day I had, so fuck it. I have about .25mg left so I'll be saving that for Monday. I did take it yesterday as well, whereas before I had gotten myself down to less than .25mg every two days, so I can't help but be a little upset knowing I've set myself back... but the difference between how I felt before and how I feel now is literally night and day. I needed this break from the perpetual misery, and I rather get it from Sub than by relapsing... I did NOT endure 10 straight days of miserable utter fucking hell just to toss it all down the drain.

So that being said, I live to fight another day. I dont know how I made it through today but I did... somehow. I fought harder today than I ever have for anything in my life, or at least it feels that way... and for once my addiction did not win. *I* did. I'm officially in the double digits now!!

Thank you again to everyone. Your guys' support and encouragement went a long way in preventing a relapse today... not even kidding. So very much appreciated, I fucken love you guys <3
 
Keep up the good work burt! It is good to hear you are taking care of yourself. Always refreshing to hear when someone is :)
 
Taking the sub was a good call IMO. I think its a really good sign that you know yourself well enough to see a problem coming and head it off before it becomes a big deal. When you run out of sub it might be a good idea to get some loperamide and use low doses of it to knock the edge off the worst symptoms. I noticed that 2-3mgs will turn the volume down on the RLS and stomach issues.
 
That's a good idea cj. I was taking loperamide, just 6mg a day but I stopped a few days ago. Could be another reason I got hit so hard yesterday. I plan to get one more box. I do feel better today, definitely not so mentally fucked as I was yesterday. The small relief from the Sub was soooo necessary. I literally put every fiber of my being into staying clean yesterday and was just worn the fuck DOWN by the end. But now I know I can do it! I still didnt get much sleep... an hour or two maybe... but it would have been worse without the Sub for sure. Im glad I did it at the end of the day :)
 
Burtles!

Im glad you took the sub if you were struggling. Sometimes the most important thing is to live to fight another day, which you are doing! I hope you are able to get out and do something positive today. I went and got set up with my gym membership and personal trainer so I can keep moving forward toward my goals. It certainly wasn't fun but I had set a goal for myself to do it by tomorrow, so goal accomplished.

Hope all is well over there!

- VE
 
Well I guess im done. I honestly see no point in trying anymore. My girl and I just got kicked out of our place and have absolutely nowhere to go, all because her grandma thinks she knows everything and is SO convinced that we relapsed today... why? Because my girlfriend ITCHED HER NOSE. Not even kidding. Apparently this in combination with the fact that we look tired (duh!!! because we haven't been getting enough fucking sleep, bitch!!!) is enough solid fucking proof for her to say that we were loaded. Also because she thinks we should be magically better by now and she's "tired of our complaining"... which we have been trying as hard as we can not to even do around her or the rest of her family!! Like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? What the fuck has been the point of the last 11 days then... we have been going through hell and fighting our asses off tooth and nail just to end up homeless and with the one person we thought we could for sure count on to turn her back on us.

The most fucked up part of all is that SHE is a recovering heroin addict herself and so is her man!!! It took her 20 YEARS to finally quit, and her man is in prison and barely has a year clean!!! And yet she was so quick to throw her own granddaughter out on her ass... because we havent gotten better on her timeframe?! She is a fucking hypocrite!!!!

I cant even believe this is happening. Furthermore she wouldnt even let us get all of our stuff, so guess what I dont have anymore? The signatures for all my meetings to take into court on Monday... so I'm probably going to jail now too!! When I should have been getting OFF probation!!!

I just dont understand, this is all so horribly unfair and fucked up and I am just sooo hurt and overwhelmed. We are homeless, have no one, and im probably gonna end up in jail now. I dont think I can do this you guys... I just don't see a good reason for hanging on anymore, and I cant even remember why I did this in the first place. Getting clean was supposed to make life better... and instead it just ended up making us homeless, broke, and with the very real possibility of jail time now hanging over my head.

Anyway I am sorry to disappoint you guys. But I am probably gonna relapse tomorrow. Just way too overwhelmed and hurt and questioning everything... I know using won't make things better per se but I dont see how it could get any worse at this point either. I don't plan on continuing but I cant deal with how I am feeling anymore and need a break from my mind... I just feel so lost and defeated and scared. :'(
 
Damn that's a really fucked up situation. The signatures for court shouldn't be too hard to get around I mean its an anonymous program so its not like anyone is going to know if the signatures are real. But showing up too court with dirty piss is a really good way to end up in jail for sure. Been there done that.

I know it seems like the end of the world right now but this is just a setback. How you respond to it will determine whether its a minor one or a major one. I have relapsed more times then I care to remember for all kinds of different reasons and it has never made my situation any better. Its also never feels as good as I want it too. Your going to get high and feel 10 times more defeated then you do right now. Your going to wake up Monday and be sick as fuck, homeless, and still have court.

At least wait until after your court date to get high. That gives you 24 hours to think it over and make sure its really what you want to do. Snap decisions based on emotions almost never work out well. If you still want to use on Monday then fuck it go get loaded. Just give yourself the benefit of thinking it over with a clear head.
 
I could not have said it better than CJ. I also can not begin to understand what you are going through-as I have gone through my WD in the comfort of my home with kind people around me ( even if they don't know the cause of my severe illness)
but I do know that you have gone through so much and these last 10 days shouldn't be for nothing. Burtonchic-you don't know exactly when the miracle is going to happen-we just know it won't happen high. I'm not sure what your options are-is there one more person in your life or your girlfriends life that you can go to? Go back to the grandma and beg? Is there a way to do a drug test for her to see? I just k ow that the shelters in my city are terrible-full of drugs and violence. I assume it is the samenwhere you live. You have come so far and soon you are going to feel better.
Don't give up
 
I hope you are able to hold off on getting high xburton. But if your not able too please take your reduced tolerance into account when you shoot up. Most opiate ODs occur after a period of abstinence.
 
I already caved and did it last night, but it did make me realize one thing, in fact this whole entire situation did. How motherfucking DONE I am with all this bullshit. I hate this drug, and indirectly or not, I would not be in this situation without it. I ended up just getting pissed the fuck off at it and trashing the rest of it and whatever paraphernalia I had left. I realized that just cuz I got clean didnt automatically mean everything gets better, and that there will be fucked up situations outside my control. Im tired of letting outside forces and people control it. So im taking it back. Because what I CAN control is whether or not I choose to face hardships like this without the added burden of using.

Ive pretty much accepted the situation im in now... literally taking it one day at a time. Today I will focus on today, and that means getting my signatures and preparing for court. Whatever happens at court will happen and it couldn't get much worse anyway. At least if I do get thrown in jail I will have food and a place to sleep, as fucked as it sounds. I refuse to think any further ahead than that for right now. But whatever is gonna come today or tomorrow or the next day, I am done cowering from it and letting it control me. I WILL get through this, sick or not, homeless or not, I dont care... I am making life my bitch from now on. Whatever it throws at me, I've had enough of a fire lit under my ass to say bring it the fuck on, as opposed to running and hiding from it in fear. I dont care how bad life gets... there is NO such thing as a situation that cant be turned around. If my other option is to give up and give in, then fuck it... I'm up for the challenge. Lets do this shit.
 
Burtles!

i am so glad you learned something from your lapse. Getting right back on track is so commendable! You are so right about having to deal with this shit without turning to the problem that got you there.

Can you call your grandma and explain that you need your court documents? It's one thing to kick you out, but to not let you get your documents would just be cruel.

How are you feeling today?

- VE
 
You sound like a completely different person then the girl who started posting here years ago. Like I said in an earlier post you have the right attitude to successfully quit and make a life for yourself. You just have to figure out how to do it. unfortunately that takes a lot of trial and error as you are figuring out. You didn't lose anything with your slip up, in fact it sounds like it was valuable in reinforcing the truth of your situation. No one can get you off heroin but you!

On a practical note this might be a great time to check into a rehab. They will help you get through the most vulnerable part of your recovery period in a safe supportive environment. State funded ones will also have a social worker on staff who can help you find housing and employment when you get out. California is a big state with a pretty decent social safety net from what I have read. The state funded ones will allow you to enroll for free basically.

I know you want to do this on your own but I am worried about you. Being homeless and struggling with an opiate addiction is an extremely precarious situation. I know you are feeling confident today but please realize that is going to wear off as reality sets in. I have personally been there and let me tell you the fun camping vibe wears off about 3 days in when you run out of money and start to stink from not showering. Your diet sucks because you cant cook and eating decent food out is crazy expensive. You cant get a job because you don't have a fixed address. The close quarters leads to fights with your GF. all that combines for the most stressful situation imaginable. We all know that stress is a giant trigger to use drugs as you just experienced last night. My point is if you cant find a place to stay your odds of staying clean are not good. So at least get the ball rolling on looking for a inpatient place to take you. You can always back out if you want too. If you run into walls doing this go to the hospital and tell them your suicidal. They will help you withdraw and they will place you into a rehab facility. Its not fun but I have done it myself and it works.

I am legit worried about you. Nothing good comes from homelessness.
 
I agree with cj on this one.

I love that you have the determined mindset of getting off the junk and that's great.

I do however, think you may be underestimating how much of a bitch life can be. Burtles, even though you have the ability to headbutt a curb and make the curb cry, life is a practitioner at kicking you square in the butthole when you're down. Lifes a tough bitch to tackle if you are trying to fight her while your footing is already wobbly.

Although I have never experienced living on the streets I know many who have. It's not a great place to be going through wds as you'll be lacking basic amenities to keep yourself in halfway decent health. Things can go south really quick.

Please consider checking into a rehab if you can't find a place to stay.

Burtles, we are all rooting for you!

~MNSC~
 
Yeah as I'm sitting here at the park reality is sinking in. I am not so confident anymore. This actually really sucks. I went to the library and printed a new meeting sheet so now I just need the signatures.

Right now my plan is to just get through the next 24 hours and see what that brings. By this time tomorrow I will either be out of the system or not. But yes kicking on the streets really sucks so I'm just praying for the strength to get through today without using. Tomorrow night my parents will be back from out of town and I'm going to beg them to let us stay there for a week while we try to find either a rehab or a sober living. She wont believe me that we didnt get kicked out for good reason so who knows if it will work but it's worth a shot. If not then maybe ill have to do the whole hospital thing.

This just sucks. The one time I actually do the right thing and this happens... why??

Thanks so much for your suggestions and support <3
 
Like I said... life loves kickin ya when you're down. I know as ive been banged by life so many times, I could probably drop an egg inside me without hitting rim.

There's no point in asking life why as she's a cereal rapist. She takes your lucky charms and lights them on fire while punching your Reeses Puffs and laughs as your Boo Berries get soggy.

Keep your head up and try to stay focused on what you can do to take back your Fruity Pebbles.
 
MisterNotSoClean said:
Like I said... life loves kickin ya when you're down. I know as ive been banged by life so many times, I could probably drop an egg inside me without hitting rim.

There's no point in asking life why as she's a cereal rapist. She takes your lucky charms and lights them on fire while punching your Reeses Puffs and laughs as your Boo Berries get soggy.

Keep your head up and try to stay focused on what you can do to take back your Fruity Pebbles.
Click to expand...

Love your sense of humor, Mister.<3

Good luck, xburton. I hope that your parents will let you stay.
 
Just remember burtie, if you do end up using it isn't the end of the world. This isn't a zero sum, all or nothing game. Hold your head up girl, you're stronger than you know!
 
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