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Help! I'm a suicidal mess

Well I was on it until some point in July or so? Shortly after being pulled off of it the tinnitus began.
I do generally avoid caffeine, but I had some today, just a little, on top of a 5mg Ritalin because I was so swamped and I knew I had to be prepared for that insane shift. Jesus, my body feels absolutely destroyed. I good an OK nap in earlier but I kept being awoken by insanely vivid dreams.

Anyway, my whole shift my ears were quiet. It's almost as if Ritalin helps reduce it but I don't know, seems coincidental. It did get some gnarly boogers out when I did a saline flush once I got home. For once, my ears didn't really spike on the ride home, but once I got settled inside they did. So I'm beginning to think this is an environmental thing. It was up and down at my sisters, but she had a cat she was sitting and I'm mildly allergic, hard to say. I put my nose up to his and such without any issue, then again I'm regularly using Benadryl and Flonase. Still, even before that I generally don't have issues with dogs or cats. I did as a kid, but I seemed to outgrow it.

Tonight has been pretty quiet. I did have some mini swallow spikes but they went down, for a change. It was getting back up there but I just used my Flonase. My doctors office was closed so they couldn't re-fill it for me. You'd think of all the places to close after Thanksgiving, this would be the last, while basically everyone else has to suffer through horrible retail shifts. Good God, it was so insanely horrible today and I was on the verge of fainting from how much cashiering I had to do. People buying thousands worth of shit. So I just bought some from CVS with a 30% off coupon. The fact the ringing went down to almost 0 again after using it shows there is obviously something going on with fluid in my ears or something. Again very often, particularly at work for some reason, I'll drink water and feel something moving in the right ear. Maybe it's because I drink out of water bottles and the suction is different from a cup.

It seems like things are looking a bit more promising but it's impossible to say. I got really high last night too, but there wasn't really any spike beyond temporarily in the morning. I'm gonna need to rest up a lot tonight, I've been getting such shit sleep for awhile. Last night I just accepted it because I figured a 5 hour shift wouldn't be that bad, and I'd get home to nap, but instead ended up frustrated with my doctors office being closed. I was lucky CVS had 1 Flonase in stock, at least a single, others were packs which were like $40. I got it for just under $10 which is fair.
 
Another successful time after showering, 2 benadryl, and 2 benfotiamine. The latter really does seem to help and I can't figure out why. I missed it before work this morning and my ears were awful. Then halfway home randomly it went away for 2 minutes and came back. Took one once I got home and it seemed to reduce the volume some for sure. I've been trying to find out why this stuff would even help but I can't find anything. It all talks about blood sugar problems. I have had a growing addiction to oreos but would this really cause that? I'd doubt it.

Had about an hour of pretty much complete silence, it's coming back a bit now but I'm sure some Flonase will make it go back down for a bit.
Only thing that sucks is I'm starting to get headaches again. I don't know if it's my sinuses, I think somewhat. My left frontal sinus is thickened and often there has been pain lately there. So I might have to go back on the Prednisone... eek
 
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Well not the same success I've had the past few nights, it's really confusing. I hear a sustained beep like a TV censor sound with a bit of ringing. It did get pretty quiet for a little but only a little, did the same things I've been doing. Only difference is I didn't take valerian root which I've been taking lately. I don't suppose that would help but it's the only difference really. So I'm left questioning if that benfotiamine stuff actually helps, I'm thinking it probably doesn't and it's just the Benadryl and possibly the valerian.

Also lately noticed I have symptoms consistent with "MEM" tinnitus. This comes and goes, but basically, I'll be watching a video or something. Was watching Weird Science earlier, and noticed as characters talked I felt crackling, thumping sensations in my ears. I couldn't necessarily "hear" it but like, I could in a sense that I could feel it. Sometimes the censor beep noise happens along with this. I get this during the day and it fades especially after the shower. I mean I can't deny a shower helps reduce it every single time but the extent is kind of random. Some nights I'll swallow, it spikes, some nights it won't, some nights I'll get a little ring after swallowing that instantly goes away.
 
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Some updates:
Yesterday my ears were doing alright for most of the day, and my evening got very quiet and stayed that way. This is good. It seems benfotiamine only helps my ears when taken before work, on my days off it doesn't help. This points to my environment being a big factor in the ringing.

But, the bad news... My head and jaw aches, they're awful. I started having this mid to late November last year and the exact same thing is happening this year and I have no idea why. ENTs insist nothing on the CT could be causing it. So I've come full circle and am ready for the holiday season, which I hate enough as is, to be demolished by this inexplicable pain that is radiating along my left TMJ joint up my temple, the side, and behind my eye. Sometimes gets to my cheek and sometimes behind the eye. So at this point, I don't even give a shit about the ear ringing. I want the pain to stop, but it's just progressing more day by day.
 
Excessive grinding of your teeth as you sleep would cause the jaw ache and in rare cases the worsening of tinnitus symptoms, might be worth recording your sleep
 
I've done so quite a few times and didn't notice jaw clenching, I'm primarily a mouth breather in my sleep. If this was a common issue I'd probably be doing it a lot more, so for it to only start now is questionable. I just don't get why it's happening around the exact same time as last year. It could be my wisdom teeth but then those would've been hurting all the time, and the last time I saw a dentist they said they weren't impacted enough to cause pain like that.
 
Wow this has gotten seriously fucking bad in the last few hours despite use of pain relievers. I can't believe it, really. I feel pain inside my ears as well, it's like everywhere. It's just not in my actual teeth like it was last year when my maxillary sinuses were so inflamed and full of fluid that they put tons of pressure on my top molars.

So... suicidal mess over my ears? Not anymore. This pain's gotta go. I don't give a fuck about ear ringing anymore. Life has an interesting way of piling something worse on top of what you already have so that you realize what you had wasn't so bad.
 
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Today was a lot better, but that better ran out. Here we are again. I was thinking maybe aleve was having an aftereffect, it helped last night, but not anymore. My left jaw above my ear is in so much pain and stretches across my temples behind my eye and it feels like someone is gouging it out. I'm just in disbelief this has to be the same as last year. Just give me the tinnitus back and only that, please, universe, I beg you.
 
Somewhat, I wouldn't say it's to that extent. I had these same fears last year, but it did get better. Maybe I just need to give it time, could be a kind of strain. I triggered it earlier sitting in a bad posture. I did get hit by a car 6 years ago and the TMJ nerve on the left pops out of place just about every time I open my mouth. I don't believe I have trimegal neuralgia though, the pain isn't extreme enough.
 
I honestly should stop bitching out and get my wisdom teeth out already. It's very likely this is contributing. Either way I need them out, they're impacted and my bottom right one is sideways. The top 2 aren't that badly impacted but they aren't fully out and are very crowded. I bite the side of my jaw all the time while eating because of them. There's legit no way getting these out would be worse than my sinus surgeries.
 
So genuinely sorry tinnitus is treating you this way. I also have it, as does my brother, but not as bad as you describe it. FIIW, but it seems like you're implying it's somewhat worse at this time of year. Are there any seasonal phenomena in your area such as pollen, air pressure or moisture levels, temperature and hydration levels with electrolyte imbalances? Forgive me if you've looked into this. Besides, I don't know what causes flare ups in mine, besides chronic stress in anticipation of a stress inducing event, or being under constant physiological strain, such as lacking sleep, consuming too much salt, over-training, and being too fucking busy doing bullshit jobs, assignments, feeling like you're stuck in a situation and can't get out (such as a school semester), and of course, listening to music too loud for too long.

That last one hit me the hardest, as I likely caused it myself through my love of playing and listening to music (especially with headphones, which I used to where all the time), plus my ignorance at how SPL affects hearing, and tinnitus.

Occupational Noise Exposure - Health Effects | Occupational Safety and Health Administration

www.osha.gov www.osha.gov

Mine comes and goes, or I notice it more sometimes than others. But it's always there.

I can hear two distinct high frequencies. The most prominent seems to come from my left ear. The more diffuse rinining, feels more like a shitty stereo image; not from either ear, but somewhere in the mix to use a headphone analogy. I also hear a low frequency hum that feels like its at the back of my head. This one is more rare, but it was extremely prominent while I was working in a high stress job.

For reference, when I feel it's flared up, I can hear the dominant ringing in my left ear while listening to headphones at a comfortable level, though can hear the less dominant. At its worst, I can still hear it when I turn the headphones volume up beyond what I'd consider safe long listening levels.

The worst part is that it can outright negate any enjoyment I get from classical music, as the dynamic range of the orchestra is what makes classical music so damn satisfyingly delicate in the way it uses silence for dramatic effect and building the tension slowly before the orchestra explodes into a bombastic sensory overload that just manages to mask the tinnitus.

Mine have been OK for the most part lately. Though in the past I would lay on my side and fill each ear canal with a 3.5% solution of Hydrogen Peroxide. I can't say that it worked, but it felt satisfying. It had an effervescent sound that it made while breaking down earwax deep within the ear canal. It would go on for around 20 minutes and then I would take a shower to flush and rinse the muck out.

I've also heard that it can be a problem that recedes later in life. So failing all else, there's that hope.

I just really wouldn't want to go deaf and still have tinnitus. I would most definitely start shit in heaven. I'd relentlessly punch the shit out of god, while his son and the Holy Ghost await their turn.

Please let us know if you find any form of relief. And take care; try not to focus on it. Distraction is much better than obsession, IME. But if it were only that simple, we wouldn't be talking about it.
 
Yeah I've tried things like this, but they don't work. I'm pretty sure it's allergies by this point either way.
At this point that takes the back seat to the horrible pain I've been in lately. It started to get better, so I thought maybe it was muscle strain. Today it got out of control bad after like 2 days of it being a lot better. I've been taking aleve and tylenol, but neither have given me any relief today, just insane pain after my shift. It did get better but then I strained too hard trying to take a constipated shit (tmi) and that completely wrecked me, I've been in agony for hours all over my head and face, just like last year. That one concerning spot above my left jaw stopped hurting days ago but has come back.

I'd finally winded down a bit and hung out with some friends last night and had a good time, wasn't in much pain. Actually did get a headache right before I left but then I thought maybe if i smoke some DMT it will go away, and it totally did. But that was just a headache, this is my jaws, cheeks, head, particularly on the left side like crazy.
 
You need to ween yourself off all you're doing that will keep you too vulnerable, to have autonomy. Only then, can you discern what ails you.
Stop kidding yourself. It'll get harder as you get older & support from 'friends' will wane.
Start your life now, or post on here forever, to the shrine - you're choice.
Hope you go with the former about the same - as the latter is BS, there's plenty willing to feed you shit, DONT go there, it's more of the same BS.
Know you can get out of the quagmire ( you will) , good people on here, to support, better person in you. You will ❤️
 
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BourbonMac said:
Somewhat, I wouldn't say it's to that extent. I had these same fears last year, but it did get better. Maybe I just need to give it time, could be a kind of strain. I triggered it earlier sitting in a bad posture. I did get hit by a car 6 years ago and the TMJ nerve on the left pops out of place just about every time I open my mouth. I don't believe I have trimegal neuralgia though, the pain isn't extreme enough.
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Get it treated, it is related. Get off, what you're on (that is arbitrary or, excessive to treatment of nerve related damage) , so any treatment can a) work b) isn't abused, so you don't end up, numbing a worse pain, down the road. Please don't, make it way more problematic for you. yourself. Don't do that to yourself, you are worth, so much more credit, than you give yourself atm(though you don't know it yet). ❤️
 
So, I lived to be 29, bday on the 17th, though it's over now. I was beginning to think I wouldn't. Getting to 30 is the new challenge. I'm generally not quite suicidal lately (perhaps quitting my anti-depressant helped in a way...). Though I take Flexeril lately, which is in a similar class as Amitryptaline, but it's not a TCA.

I've stopped self-harming behavior awhile ago, though I have some scars which I hope will go away. I can't believe I even did that, let alone over just my ears. I don't care anymore, not after all that pain started.

Speaking of, it's begun improving a lot in the past week, but of course in my birthday I get massacred by it. Whatever, it'll pass I guess. Don't stay up all night wearing headphones for 7 hours might be a wise choice in the future. That can't be good for sensitive areas. I don't even know if it's my wisdom teeth at this point, I'm still getting the fuckers out. Dentist appointment on Tuesday for a cleaning and then hopefully a referral.

My teeth sometimes hurt, sometimes it's just my head or jaw area in general. It was on my left side today, but it traveled over to the right randomly for no discernable reason. I also got a gnarly bloody nose, as if the irritation on the left was passing into my nose. They aren't impacted enough to cause something like that so it's likely unrelated and probably due to this new nasal spray, Nasonex, I was given to try and treat the tinnitus more since Flonase generally helps. However it's very, very irritating by comparison. I've only given it two days, but I think I should steer clear of it for right now. Overall, pretty shit birthday, but most of my birthdays in my life have been.
 
I can 100% say quitting the anti-depressant helped me out, a lot. I mean, things generally couldn't get much worse in my life as of recent and I'm just facing it. I look at the scars I cut onto my forearm with deep shame. I can't believe I did that to myself. I can't believe the fits of rage. Amitryptaline was fucking me up bad and I had no idea... It would seem no anti-depressant is the best way to go. I've probably suffered more than I should have for years due to them. I think they helped initially but overstayed their welcome.

Anyways, fuck 2022, fuck it to absolute hell. June and July were pretty blissful. Silent ears, summer, hope, and it was all shat on. I'll never forget those peaceful nights of getting baked to oblivion, playing the sims, tripping on DMT every night, walking 2 miles a day in brilliant weather.

Happy new year everyone, and thanks to all of you for your support. Time to get fucked up off kava and a shit ton of THC :D
 
BourbonMac said:
I can 100% say quitting the anti-depressant helped me out, a lot. I mean, things generally couldn't get much worse in my life as of recent and I'm just facing it. I look at the scars I cut onto my forearm with deep shame. I can't believe I did that to myself. I can't believe the fits of rage. Amitryptaline was fucking me up bad and I had no idea... It would seem no anti-depressant is the best way to go. I've probably suffered more than I should have for years due to them. I think they helped initially but overstayed their welcome.

Anyways, fuck 2022, fuck it to absolute hell. June and July were pretty blissful. Silent ears, summer, hope, and it was all shat on. I'll never forget those peaceful nights of getting baked to oblivion, playing the sims, tripping on DMT every night, walking 2 miles a day in brilliant weather.

Happy new year everyone, and thanks to all of you for your support. Time to get fucked up off kava and a shit ton of THC :D
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Happy New Years 💜
Enjoy your kava & thc
 
Thank you! Holy hell I feel nice, I think I'm in love with kava now. It can upset my stomach at times but ginger root capsules help. I can't take it for more than 2 days though otherwise my stomach will be a bit pissed. No problem though really, just a bit of discomfort. About to get high as fuck and that'll surely get rid of it. Man i love this stuff. I was messing with phenibut before but this is 20x better to me personally. Phenibut lasts way too damn long and takes too long to kick in, I'm groggy the next day, etc.
 
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