Help! I'm a suicidal mess

[BK38]

What a torture pain is, man. I hope that CT helps and maybe you could find a treatment that works.
Big hug, Bourbon

Are you feeling a little better Painful?
I know you are suffering, nerve pain is worse than others in the way that it is electric, it feels exactly like someone is fucking torturing you, then stop, then again. It is no linear and it is very hard to fight, you can't make it dissapear by using enought pain killers, it simply doesn't work like that.
I fear gabaergics, buck the fuckers seem to be one of the most effective meds for that. So, if you already are on gabapentin, wouldn't you benefit more from pregabalin, perhaps?
I hate it, I really do, but it helps.
I also had and have nerve pain in my Breck awful, but recently I got an artery messing with my trigeminal nerve. Total different level of pain, absolutely crazy and unbareable. Don't even want to talk about it, only want to say that while morphine didn't touch it, Lyrica helped, not in the accute phase, but it made a change for the better during next weeks.

I know it has been a long road for you and you are tired of it all. Pain doesn't mean only pain, it also means misery and loneliness.
But we have something inside, Painful. I can't give it a name but we have it, dear friend.
It will help you, like it has done before, I am sure.
And, most important, we also have love. There is people who really care about us, don't mind if it is family or marriage or legit deep friendship, we have that people.
If not for anything else, we should stand and survive for that people. They are allways for us, and the day that they might need us, we have to stay there for them.
You will make it out of this hole, Painful.
Send you all my love ❤❤❤

TRUTH hearts xox

 

[BourbonMac]

damn, bro
kinda shit is this?
i seen worse (the blood spatter) but for mental heath im thinkin not optimal, ya know?
guessing you were "assessed" or whatever they call it...?
then thrown into a dungeon (basically)?
sorry about the kratom wd
man i had to go through opioid and benzodizepine wds ended up in the dungeon. lol It was a while back maybe 2016-17 in s fla. Awful but strong as a mf. just incouragable or whatever. there was a brief "scuffle" befor moving me. hahah its good to be able to look back and laugh it was some serious shit. the drugs were still "real" and many pill mills fucking cheap errything and errything was on was sustaiable with a pay check for a coupla years locked up for pos of brand named xanax and assault on leo. punk ass
went through hell in the wd but been there more than once. fuckin sucks. keep doses low as possible as the come off will be a bitch. I have a safty net if I have to endure. first line (experimental) is thc-o... got a theory that may be associated.
second: pregabalin
pheniubut maybe once a month at like 1.5g for me. if i am on low dose benzo (i am) or rando swim it seems to reduce benz intake as it heightens the effects for hours it seems. idk yet maybe a day or two we'll see. 83409887 lol
mf shootin everywhere cant just go out to dinner. wtf i mean shoot back but the stress of being in public (for me) is absolute absorption of my environs and cannot concentrate on who i am with cause the boogie man somewhere. I see him on da news mf cant go to lowes now (local mass shooting there) without being strapped everybody gone fuckin nuts - could be me....
i got some music on my headphones i may jump to some music threads and share what i got goin on
im around and ready to do something about wtf is going on with the "system" and to some adjustments that seem necessary to some but not us.
any ideas on how to make thing better for everyone?
i would say maybe if one is well off they could share with those who are at the bottom or something but scams and shit.....
thanks
p

Yeah it was fucking brutal. I mean there was a Dunkin Donuts in the same goddamn building and yet we had to eat shitty, tiny hospital food. Turkey on burger buns, that was all. I ate one and my stomach died. I lied through my teeth to get the hell out of there. I swear prison would've been a better experience. I mean nailed down toilet seats? Come tf on. What you think we're gonna try to smash our heads down with it? Impossible, they won't even let you close the door all the way, so I'm trying to shit and I can't because this bitch is keeping the door propped open. Yeah, thanks... Before I left, I went in and pissed all over the seat for revenge. But I mean, technically I have problems with my urethra atm that are unresolved since I've put it aside to fix my ears, so I can't really control that shit all that well anyway

 

[PtahTek]

Before I left

Done.
Whats the plan?

 

[Señor Moreno]

Yeah it was fucking brutal. I mean there was a Dunkin Donuts in the same goddamn building and yet we had to eat shitty, tiny hospital food. Turkey on burger buns, that was all. I ate one and my stomach died. I lied through my teeth to get the hell out of there. I swear prison would've been a better experience. I mean nailed down toilet seats? Come tf on. What you think we're gonna try to smash our heads down with it? Impossible, they won't even let you close the door all the way, so I'm trying to shit and I can't because this bitch is keeping the door propped open. Yeah, thanks... Before I left, I went in and pissed all over the seat for revenge. But I mean, technically I have problems with my urethra atm that are unresolved since I've put it aside to fix my ears, so I can't really control that shit all that well anyway

Bourbon, I have been thinking about a med called Sulpiride. It has a lot of different uses, vertigo is one of them and it's often linked to ear problems, and found various articles about it being used for tinnitus.
One of them, from the Cádiz University in southern Spn, talks about Sulpiride and hidroxizine providing good relief to 57% of patients against 17% from the placebo group.
That sounds promissing.
" hidroxizina más sulpirida controlan el acúfeno invalidante" is the name of the report, you can translate it but at least the abstract should be in English.

Also Sulpiride is great, it is a very soft neuroleptyc, it helps you sleep and fix your mood, there are some meds with Sulpiride and diazepam, like Anxium, as they work very well together. In the case you had to taper diazepam it can help you, very versatile med. Same for hidroxizine, useful for anxiety. Both medications are common and cheap, it would be fantastic if they could help you. I sure hope so, mate.
Go and ask your doc

 

[Painful One]

Sending you love and support @BourbonMac
I am thinking of ya!

 

[BourbonMac]

Thank you painful one.
Yesterday was okay, my ears did suck for most of the day but in the evening they began to go quiet on their own. That is until I kept having those mini burps. I realize now that it's very likely the benfotiamine supplement I was taking caused this, because they were literally constant. So my ears would get quiet, I'd have that little burp, and bam, instant spike, repeatedly. Even swallowing I noticed when I closed my right ear last night caused it to start ringing, so it does seem there is some pressure issue and I do believe fluid is likely, I often feel something moving especially in the right ear when I swallow water or something.

Today my ears are surprisingly ok, and I got pretty stoned last night. So once again I'm left clueless about THC resulting in next day spikes, it seems unlikely at this point. Maybe poor sleep is what was making it worse, I got proper rest last night for the first time all week.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Thank you painful one.
Yesterday was okay, my ears did suck for most of the day but in the evening they began to go quiet on their own. That is until I kept having those mini burps. I realize now that it's very likely the benfotiamine supplement I was taking caused this, because they were literally constant. So my ears would get quiet, I'd have that little burp, and bam, instant spike, repeatedly. Even swallowing I noticed when I closed my right ear last night caused it to start ringing, so it does seem there is some pressure issue and I do believe fluid is likely, I often feel something moving especially in the right ear when I swallow water or something.

Today my ears are surprisingly ok, and I got pretty stoned last night. So once again I'm left clueless about THC resulting in next day spikes, it seems unlikely at this point. Maybe poor sleep is what was making it worse, I got proper rest last night for the first time all week.

I recall you mentioning talking to your GP about this. Have you been to a specialist, like an ENT doctor yet? That may be who performed your sinus surgery. I'm just wondering if you went back after the tinnitus started. Sorry if you already brought this up.

 

[BourbonMac]

Yeah I've seen two who said my sinuses looked fine, but they couldn't possibly check the sphenoid or frontal without a CT.
I saw an audiologist 2 months ago who found no problems with the eardrums, they moved. But my tinnitus randomly disappeared in the moment of the test after being horrible that morning. My GP suggested it's very possible that they will just move fine with the ringing goes down. Like the fluid shifts or something. I did run and barely make it on time and maybe that had something to do with it. I just know my hearing test results couldn't have been accurate, they came out perfect. When I had one last year it showed a dip in my right ear, but my right ear wasn't ringing for the test 2 months ago, or barely was.

That's when I got really defeated. I thought, fuck, it's over, there's no answer or solution. That's when I decided I was probably going to kill myself. I even told the guy the ringing could get so bad it made me want to die. When he asked me if that's how I felt then, I just said, palely, "sort of" and that's what led to me being hospitalized and kept overnight. I talk about that experience a few posts above.

My ears today were very weird. My right ear got quiet this morning and my left ear was hissing madly. I got off work and both my ears were quiet, but always, on my way home, it starts to get bad. I don't know if it's dust in the car or what, but it happens every time. Yet, some mornings like on Sunday I'll go to see my brother or sister and nephews/niece and it gets quiet suddenly, so I don't really get it.

Once I got home, my ears were fucked today. My left had never hissed so insanely bad so far, this was the peak. I went down for a nap, got up and suddenly it was way down, and the evening was moderate, not severe. Naps usually result in a severe spike, but sometimes it helps. I laid on my right side mostly so maybe fluid shifted around. My left ear always stops any hiss or ring 100% for about 10-15 minutes after a hot shower, my right ear gets quieter as well, but how long that lasts is inconsistent. Right now it's about 2/10 or so, mild hiss in the left. Sometimes it stays at like 1/10 for awhile, other times it will get louder and suddenly quieter. Last night this happened, it got pretty loud, then I bent down from my bed to unplug my phone from its charger and bam, it instantly went down a lot.

I really hope this fluid theory is correct, but I genuinely think it is. I mean I can feel fluid moving in my right ear often when I swallow. And the whole thing about burping making it worse, that's telling me it's physical. Happened after the shower actually, like it was pretty much 0.5/10, barely there, and a little burp spiked it. But I've been having less burps since I stopped that benfotiamine shit that's supposed to help tinnitus. I was maybe taking too much at once and was generally taking 3 caps a day when you should take 2, spaced out, but I'd take 2 in the morning, 1 in the evening.

But yea I saw my surgeon, the audiologist, a 2nd opinion ENT that was rude as FUCK like holy shit, he was the worst. Horribly dismissive, basically like "oh sorry, you probably have it forever" and gave me a card for CBT on dealing with tinnitus. Fuck that, it was gone, there has to be a solution to this.

 

[BourbonMac]

Getting my CT in 16 hours about. Nervous as fuck, anxious, dreading it in a way. I don't know how I will handle the news of nothing being found if that's the case. I know something is wrong and there has to be a solution. This wouldn't have gone away after my surgery otherwise.

My regimen of 2 benadryl and then a shower didn't really help me at all earlier and it does like, every time. The 1st shower got cold and I thought maybe that was a reason why, so I took a 2nd shower, hot, and it didn't really help. I mean suddenly it seems to have gotten quieter probably because I just used my Flonase. Like what the fuck, this made no sense at all. One shower always does it, and it did help some but not very much. Maybe because it was cold, maybe it just took awhile for it to go down after the 2nd shower. I have no clue at this point. I just know I'm super nervous for the scan. Part of me thinks the GPs upping my dose of Gabapentin is what's causing this. Sometimes I'll take an extra but I hadn't been doing that lately and I did 2 days in a row. The last time I did that is when I had the alarm bell ringing in my right ear. But given this stuff is clinically proven to help tinnitus in a lot of people, even though it can cause it for some, is strange to say the least...

Aaaaand it's coming back. Cool, awesome.
Yep, now it's severe. Fuck me.

 

[G_Chem]

Here’s some articles..

https://asset-pdf.scinapse.io/prod/1969743137/1969743137.pdf

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1016/j.otohns.2005.07.006

Psychological aspects of tinnitus and the application of cognitive–behavioral therapy

This article presents an overview of tinnitus (ringing or buzzing in the ears), its psychological effects, and the application of cognitive–behavioral…

www.sciencedirect.com

As much as you do not want to believe there is a psychological component here, there is.. I know for me personally my tinnitus comes and goes all the time too with no rhyme or reason, the one thing I do notice is it increasing when reading this thread. It’s no reason to get down on ourselves, it’s just how our brains work. The more we focus on it the more it will appear in our lives

-GC

 

[Nurse Ratched]

^ Yep, this. I know the invega posters hate it when anyone mentions it but the reason only 1% ever recover and post that they have is because the other 99% are reading and obsessing over every invega thread on every forum they can find. They are on all social media platforms reading everyone else's progress and issues instead of focusing on their own. If one member has one side effect they all worry that they will have it as well. It's like that in other threads as well. The more " meth is shit " threads are made pretty soon everyone thinks their meth is shit when maybe it really isn't. They just convince themselves that this is true instead of just taking the experience as unique to them and working to solve the issue.

Whatever our particular problem happens to be the more we read about it the more we convince ourselves that their is no help or hope. It could be insomnia, or opioid addiction, or gambling issues, or anorexia or any number of concepts. The more we read about other people's problems the more we apply them to ourselves.

Social media is all well and good for learning new things or staying in touch with loved ones but when we spend inordinate amounts of time reading about what ails us it only makes us ail more. The key to improving our lives and fixing whatever our health problem is to first understand it. And then to actually read published papers or peer reviews or any other literature we can find and not pay so much attention to what other laymen are saying. The more we read and obsess about what other people are experiencing, the more we apply it to ourselves. Even if I never got insomnia from kratom but kept reading threads where others have, pretty soon I am going to convince myself that I have it too. Even if i don't because i am just reading about it so much that it becomes part of my mindset.

I'm convinced that if there is anybody out there that REALLY wants to change their life and experience happiness again that staying off of the internet is the first step. Don't buy into what everyone else is saying. Just buy into your own health and well being.

 

[BourbonMac]

I'm sure stress does make it worse for sure, but then I'm not sure why while high, in my absolute least stressed state of all, it spikes.

 

[kiely]

I'm sure stress does make it worse for sure, but then I'm not sure why while high, in my absolute least stressed state of all, it spikes.

Sure. It could be a variety of reasons. You have to Rule Out what it cannot be. And may be quite a process.

However just be concerned if it might be due to a pre-existing condition.

This is how my pain manifested into a diagnosis. I guess work with the doctor to find out.

When i take gabapentin recreationally now and then my ears start to have a lot of ringing . . . and immediately.

It's so difficult to diagnose initially . . . or at all.

The doctors can always help tremendously . . . however i always try to get a second and third opinion for optimum choice of care.

I even go for a fourth consult because time and effort might be necessary in a timeline.

I hope you can find results and answers. You should be offered this option and this support. Keep on going, there is resolve.

Hope you get well and are doing better. It sounds alright then ! . . .

I am happy you are getting better then or seeking aid and remedy' and also take care . . . be safe whenever possible.

 

[BourbonMac]

No pre-existing conditions, it just started last year in May when my sinuses began to have problems, and completely resolved after my surgery for a few months, so it sucks that it came back so bad :'(

I guess I always had very mild ringing if it was a quiet room or something, but most people I know have that. I didn't even have this after my surgery. I never knew what dead silence was until then.

 

[kiely]

No pre-existing conditions, it just started last year in May when my sinuses began to have problems, and completely resolved after my surgery for a few months, so it sucks that it came back so bad :'(

I guess I always had very mild ringing if it was a quiet room or something, but most people I know have that. I didn't even have this after my surgery. I never knew what dead silence was until then.

Yes, may be blood pressure. Or the earth screeching.
But is a common medical condition. There are just different levels of severity, of course with many conditions. (Disorders)

You are better today ? Sounds like you are better with everything. I am glad then.

It is difficult to explain sufferings especially when someone else cannot understand the torment of it. Yes, it's real and ringing of the ears can be mild to extreme.

Keep doing well and making efforts. I know if you stay strong you will be able. Good luck and all and best wish's for this !!

 

[BourbonMac]

No today is very bad actually. Blood pressure has always been very healthy, 110/70 on average.
I had my CT scan, and magically, my tinnitus went away right before it after a steady 24+ hours of it, so this may skew the results... It did for my audiology exam. As soon as I left the hospital? Huge spike. So I feel dreadful, both at the thought of this skewing the results, and waiting for them to begin with. My GP said my audiologist may not have seen fluid or my eardrums only moved because the tinnitus had temporarily gone, and if that's the case, there may not be fluid visible on the CT. It wasn't 100% gone, but it was down so much it's not even funny. It never gets that quiet even on my best days and hot showers. straight up the universe is just fucking with me at this point. Oh, you want something to check your ears out? Let's get rid of the problem entirely just during the test and then bring it right back.

 

[G_Chem]

No today is very bad actually. Blood pressure has always been very healthy, 110/70 on average.
I had my CT scan, and magically, my tinnitus went away right before it after a steady 24+ hours of it, so this may skew the results... It did for my audiology exam. As soon as I left the hospital? Huge spike. So I feel dreadful, both at the thought of this skewing the results, and waiting for them to begin with. My GP said my audiologist may not have seen fluid or my eardrums only moved because the tinnitus had temporarily gone, and if that's the case, there may not be fluid visible on the CT. It wasn't 100% gone, but it was down so much it's not even funny. It never gets that quiet even on my best days and hot showers. straight up the universe is just fucking with me at this point. Oh, you want something to check your ears out? Let's get rid of the problem entirely just during the test and then bring it right back.

The universe doesn’t fuck with people, quite the opposite actually. It gives us many opportunities.

-GC

 

[BourbonMac]

I could see it that way, but it's delivered me such immense suffering in life. It's been hard to be who I am and grow and develop through it and for that I'm very proud, even through some of the worst mental periods of my life I was making huge strides, but often feeling they weren't good enough.

Let's just hope the earth will turn in my direction this time. Once again, showering didn't help my ears as it usually would, so that's 2 nights in a row. I'm going to stop the Gabapentin because I think this contributes to it, honestly. I did also cold turkey my TCA and started getting brain zaps, and Amitryptaline is known to help with tinnitus for some. i don't know, we'll see what happens...

 

[BourbonMac]

So...
I got my results today. They found nothing wrong with my ears. Was it because my tinnitus vanished? Possibly, but I could never know.
They did find nasal polyps had grown back in my maxillary sinuses, mostly on the left, and given my right ear is the worst, it isn't likely the polyps are causing my tinnitus. Thickened mucosal something something on my left frontal sinus as well. And once again, showering did very little to help my ears. There was a point where I swallowed water when it got quieter and it came back instantly. I intentionally swallowed a few more times and it got louder each time. There is also a mucus retention cyst, which I don't think I had before. Apparently they are harmless... There is something up with my upper sinus on the top of my nose, but I doubt that's causing problems either. All I can do is ask them if they think some surgical thing would have to be done, but it doesn't sound likely. My god damn, motherfucking ears are just so bad... the regimen of Benadryl and a shower doesn't help anymore, or hasn't for the last 3 days. Yet, I get teased with random quiet, this morning at work for example. End of my shift it was quieter, not quiet, but like clockwork it starts coming back halfway home, every time.

Basically, this is bad, and this may be it for me, fellas... Thank you all for the support and the time I've enjoyed on here. I can't say what will happen from here. I feel calm, in a way, knowing that I'm not afraid of it anymore. I don't have to dread results that won't be what I wanted, as I've already got them, worse than I imagined.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

So...
I got my results today. They found nothing wrong with my ears. Was it because my tinnitus vanished? Possibly, but I could never know.
They did find nasal polyps had grown back in my maxillary sinuses, mostly on the left, and given my right ear is the worst, it isn't likely the polyps are causing my tinnitus. Thickened mucosal something something on my left frontal sinus as well. And once again, showering did very little to help my ears. There was a point where I swallowed water when it got quieter and it came back instantly. I intentionally swallowed a few more times and it got louder each time. There is also a mucus retention cyst, which I don't think I had before. Apparently they are harmless... There is something up with my upper sinus on the top of my nose, but I doubt that's causing problems either. All I can do is ask them if they think some surgical thing would have to be done, but it doesn't sound likely. My god damn, motherfucking ears are just so bad... the regimen of Benadryl and a shower doesn't help anymore, or hasn't for the last 3 days. Yet, I get teased with random quiet, this morning at work for example. End of my shift it was quieter, not quiet, but like clockwork it starts coming back halfway home, every time.

Basically, this is bad, and this may be it for me, fellas... Thank you all for the support and the time I've enjoyed on here. I can't say what will happen from here. I feel calm, in a way, knowing that I'm not afraid of it anymore. I don't have to dread results that won't be what I wanted, as I've already got them, worse than I imagined.

Aww man, that really sucks. Is there no way you can go for a second, third, even fourth opinion with all different doctors? With multiple tests, there has to be one where the ringing is there at the same time. Please don't give up.

Just because one doctor failed to find something wrong doesn't mean another specialist somewhere else won't get different results.

I noticed you mentioned earlier that you took benadryl and showers the day before your exam. If you go for a second opinion, I would do everything I could to try to make sure my ears were ringing before the exam even if it meant not doing anything to alleviate the ringing the day before. Just a thought.