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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Help! I'm a suicidal mess

The Benadryl itself isn't too effective, like it would help well for an hour but I grew a tolerance to it. Same with Sudafed, that doesn't reduce it anymore. Just seemed like bad luck :/ Similar to last time when I deliberately consumed way more oil than usual to get my ears ringing more, the test was a few hours later. it was awful that morning and got worse when I was kept overnight at the hospital, probably stress worsening it. But it went way down as soon as the test started, and came back not long after. It's just been endlessly inconsistent

I've been trying on a 3rd opinion possibly, but I don't know if cameras can be deep inserted inside the ears to see anything, I don't see anything when I search that so it's probably too unsafe. I hadn't taken anything the day of, it was ringing really bad until slightly before getting there. I should get endless opinions at this point
 
Hope you pull through lol last time I went to the hospital I thought they were gonna kill me the way they had me strapped to a gurney literally obstructing my airflow also not hydrating me nor administering an anti-panic drug which is the reason I asked to go I was panicking for my life so I had my mother swing by with a benzo to get me the hell out of that hell like they assumed well he can wait and he can just lay there we are too busy for him

Hospitals are businesses not healers some are better than others hope you find one that doesn't just view you as a number without being able to really get to the cause or root of your affliction I had bad luck with my ears as a child I bet it is unsettling to have a ringing
 
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Yes, today is very very bad all day.
However, I chiefed all of my carts last night. This is telling. I know I've been reluctant to accept that it could be THC because some days I'll do this and the next day it's so much quieter, and THC is what KEEPS me alive, but if I can't slash my use for at least a week then I'm never going to find out if this is true or not. My last 2 days in Nebraska I did this out of stress and had the quietest ears I'd had in months, and the 2nd night, my ears didn't even ring while high. I just wasn't feeling very high last night for some reason and it's probably a lot to do with how high strung I felt.

It might be wiser to switch back to flower, I just kind of hate it now. I just recall when I had my tinnitus last year, flower never spiked it very much at all. The carts weren't even spiking it throughout July when I really went heavy on them and that was with still occasionally getting ringing. Well, every night when I'd lay back in bed against my wall listening to music just about, but it would only ever be temporary. This part I don't understand, because I'd often wake up with some since lying down could bring it out too. Posture seems to be very much a part of it. I did have very bad neck problems in July but I thought I got rid of those, and I'd doubt that's what's causing it anyway. My lower/mid back has been hurting a lot the last few days but that's a new development and I've never been known to have back problems.

All in all I need to break up with THC or seriously slash the use a lot. There have been nights where I'm pretty high off one drag and the ringing isn't really any worse, and then I think "well, I'll take one more to confirm that it will really make it worse." Yeah... it does.
 
Enjoying some silence, for now. But I still think there is a physical issue, or perhaps the THC is causing my eardrums to not move. Unheard of really, but I deducted everything. But given I can get spikes from burping or swallowing, I still think something weird is going on that isn't solely THC. But it's true I consumed more this summer than ever in my life. After not doing it for 6 months it was so nice to finally be back home, to be feeling good, the way I should. It truly is my miracle drug for anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, stimulating creativity, like crazy. But I need to know when to let up. If I feel high and calm, just stop. I will say I've become quite addicted to the heavy sedative effect that concentrate, specifically distillate can give me. White Fire OG, Northern Lights and Champagne Kush give me the nicest body highs out of literally any drug I've ever tried.

Benadryl liquid capsules, for some reason, work way, way better than tablets or powder capsules. It's not just quicker, they straight up work better. I mean it was fucking AWFUL all day and this brought me back to where I'd been at recently. Once I switched to the powder capsules it was clear they weren't working as well.

So yeah... this evening is the best in several nights, and I can only deduct the liquid caps simply work better for some reason. Higher bioavailability possibly. However I have another problem. My sense of taste is completely fucked, I'm negative for covid, so far, but my tongue has this chemically, weird taste and it dulls the taste of basically anything I eat. I can smell fine, so I don't really know what's going on. My tongue just tastes fucking awful.
 
Nowhere near as much silence tonight for some reason. It really seems like on my worst days, the evening shower and Benadryl works a lot better for some reason. It's not abysmal but it's not great, never reached a point of silence. But I did take a bit of extra Gabapentin which I'm pretty sure worsens it beyond 900mg, I took 1200mg. It is known to be ototoxic and cause or worsen tinnitus, but at the right dose it can help, like 600mg for instance. I should stay on that, or just come off it honestly. It is a great mood stabilizer for me at high doses but is it worth more ear ringing? No. I can't say for sure that's why it didn't get as quiet tonight, but I have a hunch about it. Was considering trying flower tonight to see how my ears respond to that, I think it should be safe? I've had it jarred for like a year in the bottom of my dresser, so I wouldn't think any mold or bud rot would happen.
 
It baffles me at this point the CT found nothing. I started the benfotiamine supplement again, this time making sure to space out the doses because it was causing me to burp a lot last time when taken over the recommended doses, and 2 at a time in the morning. The little urps would spike my right ear, so it was basically not helping.

I think it's helped today, I can't tell. I got out of the shower and my right ear made zero noise, only my left ear had some whir. So what makes the right ear go off? Swallowing... I know something is physically wrong but I have no idea why nobody can find out what it is, or if my tinnitus inconveniently disappearing during any tests on my ears is why. The exception being when my doctor pumped air into my ears and found the right eardrum is basically paralyzed, left ear drum mild movement.

It's just so fucking shitty. Swallowing, that makes my 0/10 go to 2/10? It's still not a bad ring but I had nothing, such bullshit.
 
Hang in there.
I am sending prayers.
When all else fails....prayers have never failed me.

Hope you feel better soon!
❤️🙏❤️
 
BourbonMac said:
Nowhere near as much silence tonight for some reason. It really seems like on my worst days, the evening shower and Benadryl works a lot better for some reason. It's not abysmal but it's not great, never reached a point of silence. But I did take a bit of extra Gabapentin which I'm pretty sure worsens it beyond 900mg, I took 1200mg. It is known to be ototoxic and cause or worsen tinnitus, but at the right dose it can help, like 600mg for instance. I should stay on that, or just come off it honestly. It is a great mood stabilizer for me at high doses but is it worth more ear ringing? No. I can't say for sure that's why it didn't get as quiet tonight, but I have a hunch about it. Was considering trying flower tonight to see how my ears respond to that, I think it should be safe? I've had it jarred for like a year in the bottom of my dresser, so I wouldn't think any mold or bud rot would happen.
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I know you’ll probably keep smoking (I would) but move away from carts my man. I can tell you only the most expensive carts are safe to smoke regularly IMO. If the terpenes aren’t single origin from the same cannabis plant the cannabinoid came from, even if they are naturally derived blah blah, you are looking at unnatural levels compared to flower and concentrates. I’ve heard many report all sorts of weird symptoms from these.

Either buy single origin carts or smoke flower exclusively is my opinion.

-GC
 
I get them from my dispensary, they're live active terpene distillates. There's also liquid shatter which is closer to flower as you can get, but those don't give me the same type of consistent high I like. Are you saying there's probably way more terps compared to flower on these distillates? The last things I was chiefing on were the liquid shatter carts before my tinnitus came back.

Yeah I had to get high last night, my right ear didn't really get any louder which is strange. I had some quiet this morning for a change but as usual, every single time, halfway on my way home from work it comes back, clockwork.
 
A week ago in detox there was this colorful woman, she appeared so cheery all the time. Her piercings and tattoos made her stand out from the regular dross addicts around me. The first time I saw her I said "Cool Reptar sweater" (it was pretty cool, I wanted one myself).

Her personality was bubbling out of her skin. She liked to draw things in her notebook and asked for a broom one night, then swept up the mess and discarded cigarettes of all the other lazy junkies and alcholics left on the patio smoking area. She said she likes to clean.

The next morning I woke early and was drinking coffee in the cafeteria alone when she came in, I asked her why she was there, said she only drinks 4 or 5 beers a day, she was trying to just get it out of her system.

Hmm. It didn't make much sense, but OK. I drink 20, you drink 5. We're in the same place. I don't question the universe.

Then she mentions her husband comitted suicide 3 weeks ago, while still managing to be bubbly and smile. It almost sounded like she was joking, while maintaining matter of fact.

I didn't know what to say. So I said the first thing that came to my mind;
"I'm so sorry".

She smiled even wider, but obviously she had rehearsed what she said next;
"Oh? Did you pull the trigger?"

I was still doped up on quetiapine and alcohol detox drugs, only half way into my 2nd cup of coffee. I again, stumbled, for words.
"I love dark humor, too", or something, I can't even remember what I said, but something to that effect.

She laughed and changed the subject. I don't recall the end of the conversation.

A day or two later I met her again in some 15 minute meditation group. The counselor played some generic youtube guided meditation video.

I was meditating, feeling a bit anxious about my own problems and life, finding difficulties doing so. The voice on the video started talking about loving yourself. Then, the seemingly most happy and bright person in the room starts sobbing, crying.

Everyone in the room felt it, as it continued for what seemed like eternity, but it was probably for the last 3 minutes of the YouTube video.

She then explained how loving herself was much more difficult after her husband killed himself, and how he tried to love himself, and how they made a pact to both love themselves together, and it gave me a perspective on suicide I had thought I had understood before, but not until I saw it myself in the flesh.

Suicide has collateral damage that lasts forever and it can turn the most fun and happy person into the saddest person to ever exist. It's not always about you. Suicide echoes into the universe around you and everyone you love... and some people might love you more than you could ever imagine, and it breaks them, too.

Praying to be loved by you again, when you no longer exist.

Suicide is never an answer to anything, it only echoes your pain to other people.
 
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Thanks for sharing your story, I just wish it could change my mind. Sometimes I think I'm a lost cause, that too much damage has been done. It's going to take serious therapy for me to begin functioning like a normal person. Even before the tinnitus, I've had a lot of issues for many years. I recalled July feeling like the peak of my life in a way, but I know it wasn't entirely, because I'd still be getting awful headaches after my surgery. I looked through some DMs with a friend and how much it was upsetting me, but I hardly remember that, because just looking back at the sweet silence, the warm summer nights, everything seemed just right.

Same BS again tonight too, quiet ears and the wrong swallow spiked it. I was drinking water fine before this, it may be that slightly closing my ear and swallowing does something worse because it seemed to. I'm keeping my head up the best I can. I have to live for my little nephews and my niece born in April, it's just sometimes you think, yeah, I'd put people in pain, but I wouldn't ever have to realize it, which is selfish but simply the reality of such thoughts.
 
BourbonMac said:
Same BS again tonight too, quiet ears and the wrong swallow spiked it. I was drinking water fine before this, it may be that slightly closing my ear and swallowing does something worse because it seemed to. I'm keeping my head up the best I can. I have to live for my little nephews and my niece born in April, it's just sometimes you think, yeah, I'd put people in pain, but I wouldn't ever have to realize it, which is selfish but simply the reality of such thoughts.
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Don't the doctors know what to do . . . about all of the tinnitus that you are going through. They have to know something. I would keep asking.

Oh that's horrible going through pain and all.
 
I want to see a doctor who can put a camera in my ear or something. I've seen 2 ENTs, my doctor, and only my doctor found my eardrums don't move while the tinnitus is there. It conveniently disappeared when I saw an audiologist 2ish months ago and they moved, but they hadn't moved a week earlier when I had ringing while seeing my doctor. Same shit with my CT scan the other day which showed no fluid in the ear, but my doctor keeps saying "do this for the fluid" what fluid? They found nothing. I think there is fluid that comes and goes because I feel something moving around in there often. I know there is a cure but I may have to see a dozen ENTs or doctors until they figure the shit out.
 
Yeah, my blood pressure is primo, perfect. The only stimulants I use are Sudafed because it often calms down the tinnitus, and I take Valium. I know this doesn't cause it, it's likely a side effect but it wouldn't make sense for me to develop it so much worse, and it seems to quiet it down often anyway. Tonight I had no such luck however. I showered, took my Benadryl since that helps bring down the volume, and got zero relief. Usually I get silence for a little while, but my right ear never got quiet, and my left within 20 minutes came back worse than before I even showered. Life sucks, the holidays are gonna suck too. I hate them regardless, this time of year is the absolute worst to me.
 
Don't suppose you had any sort of fall or blunt trauma to your neck around the time it started? A badly healed partial cartoid artery dissection can cause mysterious tinnitus symptoms long afterwards. Sometimes an ijury people get from chiropractor psuedoscience.
 
I did have a very stiff neck around late June and through July but my tinnitus appeared after it got better. It was from having to use so many pillows after my sinus surgery to stay propped up. Once I got a temperpedic it was better in no time
 
So last night, wow. I took a pretty long shower and came out to TOTAL silence, the most since July, easily. Nothing. My right ear was maybe a 0.5/10, would go up to 1 or 2 and then back down. Left ear had the usual mild static come back after 20ish minutes. Swallowing and other shit didn't cause it to get worse.

Today I had periods of silence from nothing. It was awful this morning, good this afternoon into evening when I went to my sister's, halfway home right ear spikes, get home, settled in my room and realize my left ear isn't staticy at all. Well, that didn't last long, so my house has to be a partial factor into this given how much black mold I found on my bedroom rug yesterday... I'm seeing it in spots that it wasn't before, so I need to cut all this shit up.

So, I figure, today was overall much better, a shower ought to do just the same right? It certainly helped but... again, a swallow, and the right ear goes off. Super retarded, I'm at like a 4/10 now. I don't get why swallowing will spike it some nights but not others.

At any rate, I guess it doesn't really matter seeing as how I'm always getting a bit stoned and making it worse anyway, and it does seem like ever since one night where I did too much last week it's been consistently worse, so I've been cutting back. There's just no consistency, I had more than usual last night I think, this morning was bad, and then once I got in the car to get to my sisters it grew silent, out of nowhere. It was up and down at my sisters, and right as I was leaving, stopped the car, listened, nothing. This shit has to stop, there's gotta be fluid in there.

I guess I'm thankful I had some level of silence through the day. I thought, what a joke, that won't happen, but somehow it did. Thanksgiving is never easy for me though because my dad is always coming along and he's just unbearable to be around. Trying to be all fun with my little niece who wasn't having it, she was scared shitless of him, so she'd just turn to me and smile, giggle, it was adorable. I have to be getting close to figuring something out, I mean, last night was the most silence since July, it was stark, dead, no noise.

Anyway, wish me luck on a black Friday shift early in the AM...
 
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BourbonMac said:
Yeah, my blood pressure is primo, perfect. The only stimulants I use are Sudafed because it often calms down the tinnitus, and I take Valium. I know this doesn't cause it, it's likely a side effect but it wouldn't make sense for me to develop it so much worse, and it seems to quiet it down often anyway. Tonight I had no such luck however. I showered, took my Benadryl since that helps bring down the volume, and got zero relief. Usually I get silence for a little while, but my right ear never got quiet, and my left within 20 minutes came back worse than before I even showered. Life sucks, the holidays are gonna suck too. I hate them regardless, this time of year is the absolute worst to me.
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How much Valium and for how long? When I got addicted to benzos I started having tinnitus problems because of the withdrawal causing it. Caffeine too, but it sounds like you avoid that.
 
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