Help! I'm a suicidal mess

[Painful One]

It's tough to find a good rehab facility and when you do a lot of times they want you to be clean before you go in.

So I can understand wanting to try the mushrooms thing. That's awesome.

So please stop scaring us ?

I am sure mushrooms can help. A lot of times they can and really do. Stay healthy ?

@Nas47 is right.

After reading some of your earlier posts about the self harm and that ”anything can bring this out of you”.
You need to heal your spirit,
We are Mind, body, and spirit.
You have an affliction of the spirit.

You need a spiritual journey.
I would recommend hallucinogenic in your case.

Unfortunately, we could tell you the answers but you wouldn’t listen and could not hear it.
Spiritual healing happens alone.
I will be praying and pulling for you.
With Love.

 

[Painful One]

Yeh...fuck....sounds like burial bell indeed.I am lucky,that God provides me with good doc.,who knows that i don't abuse my meds.....just take'em to functioning properly....really hope u can find a good pain specialist Painful......pain is nessesery,but too much of it led to insanity......

Yeah, Thank you Nas.
I am the same. I have never abused them. I have an almost perfect record and documentation, MRI’s, tests, specialists recommendations, my doctor was great. He helped me for a long time. I am terrified to lose him.
I cannot function properly at all, just total disabled and out of my mind without my medication.
The pain is so severe without medication, I can’t think straight.
It is the worst torture. I am very scared.

 

[Painful One]

Into the fray my friends.
Into the fray once more...

 

[G_Chem]

Well uh... this didn't go well.
The increase dose in the Gabapentin may be making my ears much worse. It sounds like an old school bell is going off in my right ear, and it's never been this bad. Gabapentin is ototoxic and despite it being used for tinnitus for many individuals there are some that have developed it or even gone deaf from high doses. I'm supposed to take 900mg, but I've just been taking 1800mg or some shit the last couple days. I mean last night was the quietest it's been since July and I thought maybe this was a reason as to why but in the last few hours of staggering the school bell began.

So what did I do? I broke someone's window. Yeah, maybe they were a shitty household who I've seen beat their dog, but this is still not right. I was also going for some random truck but I missed several times. I don't know who owned it, I just lost it. I feel like this condition is turning me straight up evil or something... it goes away so much, and then suddenly it's beyond terrible. There isn't much more I can say. I'm gonna just say fuck the Gabapentin now, I'd been taking 600mg before, never more than 900mg. These high doses are way beyond what I've taken and they don't even really do anything. When I was first prescribed it, 100mg would get me really high, so what the fuck am I doing? I can't let myself be controlled like this.

You need to stop using the Gabapentin. It used to make me do random violent shit too and after looking into it others have experienced that side effect too. On one occasion I walked into a party full of college kids and started throwing people around cuz someone talked shit to my gf from their balcony as we walked by.

-GC

 

[Nas47]

Yeah, Thank you Nas.
I am the same. I have never abused them. I have an almost perfect record and documentation, MRI’s, tests, specialists recommendations, my doctor was great. He helped me for a long time. I am terrified to lose him.
I cannot function properly at all, just total disabled and out of my mind without my medication.
The pain is so severe without medication, I can’t think straight.
It is the worst torture. I am very scared.

Yes..i know what u talkin'about...i live&exist fully on God's mercy...do what i can do,but without luck or good fortune,which for me are nothin' but God's willingness to help me I am doomed...just don't loose hope Painful...i will prayfor u....to find&resolve ur problem in the best way.....so u can be able to live quite normal&have a rest&relief

 

[PtahTek]

how we doing?
bring hope and love
1

 

[Nas47]

Doin' well my friend...hope this for u too....waitin' for the winter,but still no start burnin' woods 'cause it's still hot....morning around 7-8celsium

 

[bookshelf1]

I genuinely don't know what to do. If anyone has followed some of my posts you'd know it's related to tinnitus.
ntly goes up to 7/10 and it remained there all evening. It went down to a 2 after I showered, it usually does go down after I shower for a little while, but it used to be longer...

Hi
Try This: LINK

AudioNotch - Tinnitus Treatment Sound Therapy - Tuner and Tone Generator

Free online tuner and tone/frequency generator by AudioNotch.com: Tailor-Made Notched Sound Therapy for Tinnitus treatment.

www.audionotch.com

i am happy to find your thread early.most of the bluelight threads i find are old and answering to them doesn't help anyone.
i have tinnitus for around 3 years after i took ecstasy it started and i had those suicidal moments because of it.every patient has different type of tinnitus.
you can use this website to adjust to your unique frequency and its free.you need to find your frequency which your ears are ringing to that.the sound made by website should cover the sound made by your ear.it should be like listening what your ears make from out of your head.and turn the volume up.
more you hear the sound more tinnitus disappears.its like revenging from your ears.but it isn't only a game.it actually helps.
i made a mp3 file by recording the sound made by this website and i listen to it when my tinnitus is so high and irritating.
each time i listen to the unique frequency in this website the ringing in my ear disappears for some minutes and it is a temporary relief.
using this sound for around 5 minutes couple times in a row makes my tinnitus gone for couple hours.
when there isn't enough cure this can be like gold.
i found this website couple months after i got tinnitus.and i reported about it to my doctor but unfortunately my doctor did not give attention to this.
he thinks it is absurd and he just listens to what official institutes say and what they confirm.no matter how much their patient is in pain they don't doubt what they belief and they ignore many methods that can help just because they don't like it or its not in their belief system.
and using medication may help but it gets worse when withdrawal symptoms starts.
i pray for you...

 

[Painful One]

Yes..i know what u talkin'about...i live&exist fully on God's mercy...do what i can do,but without luck or good fortune,which for me are nothin' but God's willingness to help me I am doomed...just don't loose hope Painful...i will prayfor u....to find&resolve ur problem in the best way.....so u can be able to live quite normal&have a rest&relief

I exist on God’s mercy too.
He has made ways for me when none seemed to exist.
May the face of God shine upon me once again.
With Gratitude and Humility I pray.
Amen

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

I can only offer words and cant imagine what you guys are going through but have faith and stay strong! The universe still has something in store for you.

 

[BourbonMac]

Hi
Try This: LINK

AudioNotch - Tinnitus Treatment Sound Therapy - Tuner and Tone Generator

Free online tuner and tone/frequency generator by AudioNotch.com: Tailor-Made Notched Sound Therapy for Tinnitus treatment.

www.audionotch.com

i am happy to find your thread early.most of the bluelight threads i find are old and answering to them doesn't help anyone.
i have tinnitus for around 3 years after i took ecstasy it started and i had those suicidal moments because of it.every patient has different type of tinnitus.
you can use this website to adjust to your unique frequency and its free.you need to find your frequency which your ears are ringing to that.the sound made by website should cover the sound made by your ear.it should be like listening what your ears make from out of your head.and turn the volume up.
more you hear the sound more tinnitus disappears.its like revenging from your ears.but it isn't only a game.it actually helps.
i made a mp3 file by recording the sound made by this website and i listen to it when my tinnitus is so high and irritating.
each time i listen to the unique frequency in this website the ringing in my ear disappears for some minutes and it is a temporary relief.
using this sound for around 5 minutes couple times in a row makes my tinnitus gone for couple hours.
when there isn't enough cure this can be like gold.
i found this website couple months after i got tinnitus.and i reported about it to my doctor but unfortunately my doctor did not give attention to this.
he thinks it is absurd and he just listens to what official institutes say and what they confirm.no matter how much their patient is in pain they don't doubt what they belief and they ignore many methods that can help just because they don't like it or its not in their belief system.
and using medication may help but it gets worse when withdrawal symptoms starts.
i pray for you...

I'll try it, I've messed with things like this before to no avail though. All the methods you can think of.
Interesting that you say you had it after ecstacy. It was the day after I took it for my first time that it started to come back, but it wasn't until September that it grew severe. Nobody else I did the E with had any issues, and given my T was related to my sinuses before I could only assume it was related to that again. A lot of people have found MDMA helps their tinnitus instead, so maybe yours was unclean or something Idk, I'm not experienced with it, I just know the stuff I took was tested and pure. Very possible it was just too much THC as well, hard to say, as I consumed excess at the bachelor party for my older brother and then a trip to the cape with friends immediately after. I'd get so high I practically would forget half the day, and in 12 years of smoking I've never gotten that high.

 

[bookshelf1]

I'll try it, I've messed with things like this before to no avail though. All the methods you can think of.
Interesting that you say you had it after ecstacy. It was the day after I took it for my first time that it started to come back, but it wasn't until September that it grew severe. Nobody else I did the E with had any issues, and given my T was related to my sinuses before I could only assume it was related to that again. A lot of people have found MDMA helps their tinnitus instead, so maybe yours was unclean or something Idk, I'm not experienced with it, I just know the stuff I took was tested and pure. Very possible it was just too much THC as well, hard to say, as I consumed excess at the bachelor party for my older brother and then a trip to the cape with friends immediately after. I'd get so high I practically would forget half the day, and in 12 years of smoking I've never gotten that high.

my stuff was pure as well ,it was mdma powder...one thing i remember that i think its related to tinnitus pathology,is i was spinning around myself when i took ecstasy(dancing).i can hypothesize that if we spin or move fast while on ecstasy,the liquid in the ear shakes and because mdma have some special effect on
nervous system and blood pressure so it makes nerves and receptor cells more vulnerable and liquid pushes hair cells of ear too fast so they get damaged.
i think thats how we get tinnitus from mdma.

 

[BourbonMac]

I wasn't doing any dancing or spinning on it. I saw my GP today who pushed air into my ears and found my eardrums did not move at all. Slight movement in the left. My tinnitus today just out of nowhere got so bad in both of my ears, it got even worse after the air thing. I did have more THC than usual last night, and I hate to say that this would be the reason because it shouldn't be, but then again I never used exclusively concentrate for months before, I was always smoking. There could be some kind of allergen thing going on with the concentrate but Idk. I've covered myself in trimmings from plants without any issues but I know people who break out in serious hives doing that.

He's trying to prescribe me Nasonex, he said it works better than Flonase, but upon further research there is literally no clinical difference. He's been wrong about a lot of things and even wants me to take a "drug vacation" and quit both Gabapentin and Valium cold turkey. Basically he wants me to have a seizure and die or something. He's a nice guy but man is he dangerously off the mark about a lot of things. We at least know there is likely fluid built up in my ear, that's what it means when the eardrums don't move in response to pressure. They did when I saw an audiologist 2 months ago but my tinnitus randomly decided to stop during the test, it was awful that morning. My doctor said it's very possible that the eardrums would move when the tinnitus goes down like after a shower or something. In the small chance that this Nasonex somehow works better with my DNA I guess that would be nice. I just know missing Flonase on any given night will result in a worse next day.

Today has just sucked. I dealt with a customer at work today, he was trying to shoplift, but I didn't accuse him or anything. I just pointed out that he hadn't scanned an item, and he threatened to knock me out. Well, I just about knocked him and his 5 foot tall ass the fuck out, but he was with his kids which he kept threatening and swearing at. They were the ones who ultimately scanned the shit, 6-8 year old children being more mature than their own parent, I feel sorry for them especially having had an abusive dad like that. That just set my day up to be awful from the start and the stress it put me under could've made my ears worse too. I walked away shaking from having to restrain myself from beating the living shit out of him. Given how little I care about anything lately I almost wish I did.

It's generally unsafe to deal with people like this but I really don't care at this point. If someone came in with a gun to my head I'd just insult them, like "hey, you ever shot a man, sweetie?" Because a) they probably haven't and b) I could probably snatch it from them easily. If not, oh well.

I've just been fantasizing about beating the shit out of that guy all day. I didn't sleep well last night and I couldn't end up napping after work because it's like a constant adrenaline rush every time I think about it.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

just curious, here, cause i heard some loud ass crickets for decades and started a benzo substance that has taken 90% of these crickets away... maybe more.
best

this is interesting because I am not sure what it is about but I feel like I didn't really register or realize how much noise neighbours cause before I stopped benzos. I guess it is about information processing and memory.

 

[PtahTek]

this is interesting because I am not sure what it is about but I feel like I didn't really register or realize how much noise neighbours cause before I stopped benzos. I guess it is about information processing and memory.

called swagger lol
dgaf

 

[PtahTek]

was wondering if OP did have access to valium (diazepam), if they tried in small doses (the benzo) and if their was any noticable effects on the issue of tinnitus.
i may be confused but think @BourbonMac is the right culprit?

 

[BourbonMac]

I do, yeah. I was pulled off of it months ago with no warning and was lucky to have no wds after like 7 months of it.
No effect on my tinnitus that I'm aware of. I typically take 10mg, shower, and then it's quieter, but I think it's the shower that makes it go down.
My eardrums not moving does make it seems that this is some physical issue, and it'd make sense given often I'll come out of the shower, burp, and get a little eeee immediately. I've been getting those little burps all day which could be one of the reasons why it's so bad. But then randomly it might be better for hours after I shower. It's so unpredictable.

I mentioned in the above post that my GP wanted me to take a "med vacation" and pull me off both Gabapentin AND Valium. I'm just like... idk man, that sounds like a bad idea. I'm willing with the Gabapentin, but the Valium has been crucial for my ability to calm down when things get really bad. He put me back on it 2 months ago after I was hospitalized post audiology appointment where I told the guy the tinnitus could get so bad I wanted to die. I didn't say I was going to, but actually I was, right after the exam showed "perfect results" I was like... I can't do this anymore. I was told it'd just be an hour and I talk with a therapist but instead I was kept a prisoner, unable to eat or drink, slept next to blood spattered walls under white LED lights, having kratom withdrawals... not fun. Like yeah man, pull someone off a benzo like that and that's what will happen. I don't think I had many physical withdrawals but my anxiety was really, really fucking bad for awhile.

I'm traumatized by how bad that experience was, so much show it actually made me want to just get the fuck out and I kind of wanted to live again, I was going to Nebraska 2 weeks later anyway and that trip was very crucial for my mental health. While out there, I really relaxed, had an extended bit of summer, and my tinnitus was generally a lot better too. Already been a month since I got back "home."

 

[PtahTek]

fuck yankin ya off gabapentin and valium?
wtf
new doc? im changing hate my doc ass hole. lol
anyways thanks for answering the question posted.
sinus operation, right?
i would think this will take some time from the process of healing but would be looking for another dr maybe get pregabalin (low dose) maybe talk to your current doc it'll also help with any benzo wd if it comes up.
Just suggestions but if current doc is going mad from propaganda or is being "audited" find another. Cant hurt, yeah?

 

[PtahTek]

also glad to see ya pullin through this bs
my plate is full but startin to nibble it down here and there.
peace

 

[PtahTek]

it'd just be an hour and I talk with a therapist but instead I was kept a prisoner, unable to eat or drink, slept next to blood spattered walls under white LED lights, having kratom withdrawals..

damn, bro
kinda shit is this?
i seen worse (the blood spatter) but for mental heath im thinkin not optimal, ya know?
guessing you were "assessed" or whatever they call it...?
then thrown into a dungeon (basically)?
sorry about the kratom wd
man i had to go through opioid and benzodizepine wds ended up in the dungeon. lol It was a while back maybe 2016-17 in s fla. Awful but strong as a mf. just incouragable or whatever. there was a brief "scuffle" befor moving me. hahah its good to be able to look back and laugh it was some serious shit. the drugs were still "real" and many pill mills fucking cheap errything and errything was on was sustaiable with a pay check for a coupla years locked up for pos of brand named xanax and assault on leo. punk ass
went through hell in the wd but been there more than once. fuckin sucks. keep doses low as possible as the come off will be a bitch. I have a safty net if I have to endure. first line (experimental) is thc-o... got a theory that may be associated.
second: pregabalin
pheniubut maybe once a month at like 1.5g for me. if i am on low dose benzo (i am) or rando swim it seems to reduce benz intake as it heightens the effects for hours it seems. idk yet maybe a day or two we'll see. 83409887 lol
mf shootin everywhere cant just go out to dinner. wtf i mean shoot back but the stress of being in public (for me) is absolute absorption of my environs and cannot concentrate on who i am with cause the boogie man somewhere. I see him on da news mf cant go to lowes now (local mass shooting there) without being strapped everybody gone fuckin nuts - could be me....
i got some music on my headphones i may jump to some music threads and share what i got goin on
im around and ready to do something about wtf is going on with the "system" and to some adjustments that seem necessary to some but not us.
any ideas on how to make thing better for everyone?
i would say maybe if one is well off they could share with those who are at the bottom or something but scams and shit.....
thanks
p