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Help! I'm a suicidal mess

I am familiar with the phenom of takings ones own life.
Ya think I wanna be here? Emphatic fuck no.
Look at it from this perspective:
Death does not want me and recedes when I am around others. Not trippin, here.
I dont understand suicide the concepts of light/dark life/death or cannot understand?
Do ya know how much this 56 0r 57 ( lol ) yr mf lived through it all? I do not. Posted in 1000 of mt post i am way past "shelf-life" Dont wanna be here. Thats me. Never really did.... Look around, folks. Ha! do not pretend to know who or what i am
am am here to heal not destroy
i need help like everyone else and if i have input (hope some inspiration comes) i will post some of it or at least a perspective cause we dying anyway but why still we here.
Please hod out for hope... it is real and most powerful.
They will shed their blood (ours) but I dont think this will happen for much longer. I feel it is past due but we gotta be together. may be a mass migration idk ok with it but at least we will use ours pasts to navigate our futures. idk
love to all
1
 
Nas47 said:
No,no,no!!!Stop it.I was talkin' same things before few months.....u know very well it will pass.Hold on Painful❤️🙏❤️.U are strong💪💪💪
Click to expand...
And the medical system just is frustrating now too and medical support is getting so scarce too.

It took me so long to find the telephone number for my doctor. They kept switching. One won't answer and one calls back now
IF you can get through.

I found a doctor that has been here all along, over 25 years. But many doctors show up and just leave all of a sudden. Not my doctor. He is staying. After I found him. it will be worth it.

Then they ran pain management out of the community because no one wants to deal with pain anymore and too afraid to prescribe anymore. My pain management doctor had his licence taken away. And he was so intelligent about treatments. He had to move away and start again.

The hospitals are just trained to save lives and not treat any kind of long term pain assistance. You have to find a doctor to help manage long term pain. But where do they all go !! Sure, they just leave !! And this is happening to others too that are going through this NOW.

So I am going through this too. Trying to find help. But going back to other posts in here. This is very severe and a critical situation. And is serious as ever.
This needs to be addressed but it is tough to try to understand this medical system right now.

I am still trying. They might not answer the phones and claim being under staffed. I really don't understand it right now. It seems to be so limited to many right now.
Without pain support it can turn into a medical emergency and is causing even more pain despair and suffering in the world right now.

It would be nice to have good and proper help through the medical system or at least have that opportunity. I don't understand what is happening to this all over and everywhere. It is completely horrible.
 
I did have a strange situation last night, after I took a shower my ears were like 0/10 for the first time in months. So it was the opposite of the other day, good ears in the morning, awful ears rest of the day. It was like 2/10 for a few hours until I decided to get high. I need to not for a few days just to see if it'd help but it's impossible to say. Often my quietest days were after I got higher than usual, and I did stop for 2 days last month and it didn't seem to have much impact. I'm pretty sure THC spike is temporary, but I have to stop for at least 3 days or something. It's just hard. It eliminates all of my anxiety, thoughts of suicide, etc. It takes away all the pain and even though my ears spike I don't care or notice it as much. THC isn't ototoxic so it really shouldn't have been the cause.

My left ear was actually completely quiet though. Today is moderate so far, not severe. So maybe something is improving, I don't really know. Of course right as I said that my right ear spiked to near severity, probably because I pushed my tragus a bit. I hope it gets better again this evening, I really do.
 
I am so sorry for all of us who are suffering and reaching dead ends with help.
Keep trying everyone.
God knows we have been through SO much..,I know.

There has to be an answer.
Let’s keep trying until we exhaust ALL options.

Love and understanding to you all.
 
I hear tell ya have diazepam (valium) at hand. is it real?
have ya tried it at all?
just curious, here, cause i heard some loud ass crickets for decades and started a benzo substance that has taken 90% of these crickets away... maybe more.
best
 
Yeah Valium doesn't help my tinnitus, and actually it's ototoxic so it causes it for some people. Then again 95% of all drugs are.
The only thing it really helps me to is get more than 2 hours of sleep but I have to take more than I'm prescribed to do so and often end up running out early because my GP won't prescribe me more or put in auto-refills.

My right ear is now 10/10 so that didn't last long... hope I get relief again this evening.
 
Well uh... this didn't go well.
The increase dose in the Gabapentin may be making my ears much worse. It sounds like an old school bell is going off in my right ear, and it's never been this bad. Gabapentin is ototoxic and despite it being used for tinnitus for many individuals there are some that have developed it or even gone deaf from high doses. I'm supposed to take 900mg, but I've just been taking 1800mg or some shit the last couple days. I mean last night was the quietest it's been since July and I thought maybe this was a reason as to why but in the last few hours of staggering the school bell began.

So what did I do? I broke someone's window. Yeah, maybe they were a shitty household who I've seen beat their dog, but this is still not right. I was also going for some random truck but I missed several times. I don't know who owned it, I just lost it. I feel like this condition is turning me straight up evil or something... it goes away so much, and then suddenly it's beyond terrible. There isn't much more I can say. I'm gonna just say fuck the Gabapentin now, I'd been taking 600mg before, never more than 900mg. These high doses are way beyond what I've taken and they don't even really do anything. When I was first prescribed it, 100mg would get me really high, so what the fuck am I doing? I can't let myself be controlled like this.
 
This is absolute fucking bullshit, man... I took a shower, it got quiet, completely. The alarm ring was 0.5/10, I couldn't hear it without pushing in my ear. I was almost afraid to get out of the shower because I figured it wouldn't help. It did tremendously like last night. So, what makes it spike? A FUCKING TINY BURP. This has happened repeatedly, I don't fucking get it. Fucking alarms ringing in my right ear, this is completely new. I mean it's only like 3/10 right now but I want 0/10 like last night, like just 30 minutes ago. I wanted that 0/10 to last. I just... Idk, I can't say anymore. I'm venting to a brick wall at this point. I calmed down so much, so much. I reflected on my behaviors earlier and how sorry I felt to myself. Only to be put back in that state of mind.

I think the first things I would try to do if I did reach that point of wanting to end it, is just overdose myself to death. I'm less afraid of an OD than jumping off an 80 foot condo. If I did that I would regret it on the way down, I just know it. Would rather go out in bliss...
 
I ask myself the same question, I don't know why I do it. All my life I've never self-harmed and I've been through an awful lot in my life. Incessant abuse from my father, my first memories of him were being beat up at the age of 3. He was a very angry aggressive guy, and it's socially fucked me up big time my whole life, all the shit he put me through. Unless you count excess alcohol from 19-23 as self harm then I guess that would count. I used to sometimes take up to 30 shots, would drink entire handles, etc.

You're right that I belong in a hospital. But based on my experience in care for a day a few months ago, I don't think it would work out. It was the worst experience of my life, everyone was so rude, I slept under a bright white light they refused to turn off, blood was spattered on the walls next to my bed. the mental health system in this country is fucked up.

What I really need are some shrooms to microdose, if I'm honest. Antidepressants don't work for me, but this, this helps a fucking lot. I don't know anyone with some atm though.

I'm really sorry to post all this depressing shit... like seriously. It's like an angel devil beside my shoulder kind of situation. I can't let that devil get to me. At the very least, I will be looking for a therapist, I do need help seriously bad. I was reading a journal of mine from years back around the same time and I was suicidal about completely different things. I almost killed myself just to prove a point to someone who had hurt me, to make them sorry. This isn't just about tinnitus, anything can bring this out of me. It's just the tinnitus has done so worse than anything in my life.

Here's to hoping for a better tomorrow.

Oh... well this explains some things about why my tinnitus advanced to this level of ringing: https://hearinglosshelp.com/blog/gabapentin-does-not-work-for-tinnitus/
 
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It's tough to find a good rehab facility and when you do a lot of times they want you to be clean before you go in.

So I can understand wanting to try the mushrooms thing. That's awesome.

So please stop scaring us ? ;)

I am sure mushrooms can help. A lot of times they can and really do. Stay healthy ? 🍄🌞
 
kiely said:
And the medical system just is frustrating now too and medical support is getting so scarce too.

It took me so long to find the telephone number for my doctor. They kept switching. One won't answer and one calls back now
IF you can get through.

I found a doctor that has been here all along, over 25 years. But many doctors show up and just leave all of a sudden. Not my doctor. He is staying. After I found him. it will be worth it.

Then they ran pain management out of the community because no one wants to deal with pain anymore and too afraid to prescribe anymore. My pain management doctor had his licence taken away. And he was so intelligent about treatments. He had to move away and start again.

The hospitals are just trained to save lives and not treat any kind of long term pain assistance. You have to find a doctor to help manage long term pain. But where do they all go !! Sure, they just leave !! And this is happening to others too that are going through this NOW.

So I am going through this too. Trying to find help. But going back to other posts in here. This is very severe and a critical situation. And is serious as ever.
This needs to be addressed but it is tough to try to understand this medical system right now.

I am still trying. They might not answer the phones and claim being under staffed. I really don't understand it right now. It seems to be so limited to many right now.
Without pain support it can turn into a medical emergency and is causing even more pain despair and suffering in the world right now.

It would be nice to have good and proper help through the medical system or at least have that opportunity. I don't understand what is happening to this all over and everywhere. It is completely horrible.
Click to expand...
Healthcare system is fucked,where i live too.There is not such"pain clinics"or sorts.Gp can prescribe u nothing more than tram...codeine plain-not existed anymore...strong pain meds are for cancer patients only....u can relly eventually only on benzos for anxiety...for pain-very limited options🙁🙁
 
kiely said:
It's tough to find a good rehab facility and when you do a lot of times they want you to be clean before you go in.

So I can understand wanting to try the mushrooms thing. That's awesome.

So please stop scaring us ? ;)

I am sure mushrooms can help. A lot of times they can and really do. Stay healthy ? 🍄🌞
Click to expand...
Ye...i wanna mushrooms too...but is fuckin very dry🙁
 
Weird, ears improve after I got high. Initial bad spike but I don't notice it as much while high. Did play guitar which I thought had made my right ear quieter before, maybe the general posture Idk. It's mostly static and no nose atm, tolerable

Edit: kinda got worse, so it does make me think it's the posture or something. I've played plenty of nights and not had any improvement like that though. I don't know, I'm baked and it just doesn't matter. That's my biggest obstacle, the fact that it makes it worse when it profoundly helps me with mental health problems. Guess I'll find out if something is wrong between Friday (GP checking ears) and my CT fo my sinuse a few days later
 
Sending prayers for you @BourbonMac
Deep breath’s.

You have to try and drop that heavy emotional load you are carrying..
Find forgiveness for your benefit.
There are some really abusive people in this world.
Not everyone is like that.

Don’t worry about posting all this depressing crap. This whole website is A lot of depressing crap.
The world is in serious depressive crap right now.

We can support one another.
There is an answer for you somewhere on this problem.
Actually, let Me go ask the smartest community I know about this.
I remember a few of them talking about this.
Be back.
 
@BourbonMac
They said to try Vitamin C, Nicotine gum 4 times a day and NAC.
Chew gum for ten minutes
These are the smartest people who would know the best thing to try.

here is what another one of them said about Tinnitus
High sodium

Boom! You’re welcome

Now for the bad news

What cures me won’t cure you

There are many causes of tinnitus

Including high sugar and anxiety

Good luck on your journey

God bless
stoner


Just having fruits and vegetables for breakfast will knock the hell out of high sodium.

Another one says- “ usually it is just ear wax putting pressure on the eardrum.
Have you had that checked out @BourbonMac ?



I pray this works for you @BourbanMac

❤️
 
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Nas47 said:
Healthcare system is fucked,where i live too.There is not such"pain clinics"or sorts.Gp can prescribe u nothing more than tram...codeine plain-not existed anymore...strong pain meds are for cancer patients only....u can relly eventually only on benzos for anxiety...for pain-very limited options🙁🙁
Click to expand...
Yeah, you cannot even get an appointment for yourself here.
My insurance company said they found me a place but have to get referral from other doctor.
Then I will have to wait it out for an appointment.
I am going to be really sick soon.
☹️☹️☹️
 
You should hear the recording that is up at my doctor who retired‘s office...

It is like- “Hi this is Dr. soandso , I’m retiring! Sorry to leave you all like this. I enjoyed having you as patients for all these years.
Good luck. Don’t call this number again or leave any messages. No one is listening. Good luck and God bless.”

wow.
 
Painful One said:
You should hear the recording that is up at my doctor who retired‘s office...

It is like- “Hi this is Dr. soandso , I’m retiring! Sorry to leave you all like this. I enjoyed having you as patients for all these years.
Good luck. Don’t call this number again or leave any messages. No one is listening. Good luck and God bless.”

wow.
Click to expand...
Yeh...fuck....sounds like burial bell indeed.I am lucky,that God provides me with good doc.,who knows that i don't abuse my meds.....just take'em to functioning properly....really hope u can find a good pain specialist Painful......pain is nessesery,but too much of it led to insanity......
 
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