If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

[Fjones]

you write well. and if you're still around, i want you to know that. you have a way with words. i saved your message in a word document on my desktop. soon I'll move it into my "misc. documents" folder where it'll probably collect dust, until i run into it again. i found it beautiful.

I was going to say the same thing. Ryno9696, you say you have no prospects and make it sound as though you don't think you have any talent. Spend some time reading most of what other people write and you will see you have writing talent. That counts for something. I used to teach SAT prep classes, a job that pays around $30 an hour. I think you might be able to do that.

 

[ryno9696]

I was going to say the same thing. Ryno9696, you say you have no prospects and make it sound as though you don't think you have any talent. Spend some time reading most of what other people write and you will see you have writing talent. That counts for something. I used to teach SAT prep classes, a job that pays around $30 an hour. I think you might be able to do that.

I doubt they would hire a high school dropout, with a criminal record to teach an SAT prep course. Thanks for the compliment, it was bit of a release for me to write that, and I'm glad someone else enjoyed it.

ryno

 

[Fjones]

Hmm. Did you come close to finishing high school? I was a college dropout and only 25 years old, and they hired me to teach the class. The parents thought I was there to TAKE the class and the students were amazed when I told them I had no college degree.

 

[ryno9696]

Hmm. Did you come close to finishing high school? I was a college dropout and only 25 years old, and they hired me to teach the class. The parents thought I was there to TAKE the class and the students were amazed when I told them I had no college degree.

I dropped out in 10th grade. I got a GED and did a year of college. I also was a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer, but like an idiot I let it expire instead of taking the upgrade test when XP came out.

ryno

 

[Fjones]

I dropped out in 10th grade. I got a GED and did a year of college. I also was a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer, but like an idiot I let it expire instead of taking the upgrade test when XP came out.

ryno

How about that, I did the same thing with my MCSE. Ok, so you have a GED, which is equivalent to a high school diploma (sort of), and you have taken some college. You sound no less qualified than I am (I had taken only one year of college when I was hired). I don't think my employer did a background check. He could tell I could teach the material, that is all he cared about.

Anyway, look into it if you think you have the skills (I don't know if you do or don't, but it seems like you might).

 

[ryno9696]

How about that, I did the same thing with my MCSE. Ok, so you have a GED, which is equivalent to a high school diploma (sort of), and you have taken some college. You sound no less qualified than I am (I had taken only one year of college when I was hired). I don't think my employer did a background check. He could tell I could teach the material, that is all he cared about.

Anyway, look into it if you think you have the skills (I don't know if you do or don't, but it seems like you might).

Thanks for the tip, I'll look into it.

ryno

 

[drug_wench]

ryno, fjones is right - u certainly write better than me (not that thats saying much but as far as im concerned u write better than many ppl here)

personally, the way i see it u make urself out to b a worthless person but heres wat ive got going against me if i want to look at life in a negative way
-i can come across as stupid cos ive got ADHD that was only recently diagnosed, therefore the highest qualifications i hav is school cert (and i only just passed that).....thats the exams u do in NZ wen ur 15/16....even tho i tried in vain to pass the next 2yrs worth of exams
-i was abused as a kid, physically which didnt really traumatise me....wat really got me was being constantly told i was worthless
-i hold a criminal record too for several accounts of possession of drugs/paraphernalia
-i hav several major health problems (including mental health)
-i am actually only really gd at one thing and that is working with horses

but i try to focus on the gd things in my life rather than the shit things cos wtf is the point in that?

i stand in front of the mirror evry day and give myself self-affirmations - that is, i tell myself the gd things about myself
at first i didnt believe them, but as ive done it more and more (fake it till u make it) ive built up more self-esteem

i still hav low self-esteem but it is still building up
but then i am not actually clinically depressed or bipolar

if i was clinically depressed id go get more therapy
however bipolar is more serious in most cases, and always needs to b medicated, from wat ive seen, and since it runs in my family i know plenty of ppl with bipolar

as far as bipolar meds go, id suggest u get back on the mood stabilisers - they make most ppl feel like shit
i hav epilepsy and i hav no options but to take epilim, or sodium valproate (also a mood stabiliser)
yes, it makes me feel like shit, but ive bn on it so many yrs ive grown used to it
rather that than hav seizures

my dads on the same stuff for bipolar - for yrs he refused to take it for yrs and was up and down and violent and depressed and all over the place
finally he realised he actually needed the stuff and started taking it

well, the change in him is unbelieveable - he hates the side effects but at least hes stable

the other thing ill mention (probly already said this before in this thread but ill say it again), in particular to ppl like julia, talking about popping all her xanax:
IF U R DEPRESSED ALREADY IT IS BEST TO AVOID ALL DRUGS
-downers/alcohol will make u more depressed even if they sedate u (that includes opiates after the initial high/rush)
-stimulants will make u feel wonderful then ull crash and get so depressed u will b more likely to commit suicide than regular stimulant users/abusers
-even psychedelics will only enhance the state ur already in so ull most likely hav an unpleasant trip

 

[ryno9696]

I realize I'm going to come off as a dick here, but I've got to say this. I get kind of offended when people act like they know how to fix me.

personally, the way i see it u make urself out to b a worthless person but heres wat ive got going against me if i want to look at life in a negative way
-i can come across as stupid cos ive got ADHD that was only recently diagnosed, therefore the highest qualifications i hav is school cert (and i only just passed that).....thats the exams u do in NZ wen ur 15/16....even tho i tried in vain to pass the next 2yrs worth of exams
-i was abused as a kid, physically which didnt really traumatise me....wat really got me was being constantly told i was worthless
-i hold a criminal record too for several accounts of possession of drugs/paraphernalia
-i hav several major health problems (including mental health)
-i am actually only really gd at one thing and that is working with horses

That really doesn't help to know that others have problems and they can deal with them fine.

but i try to focus on the gd things in my life rather than the shit things cos wtf is the point in that?

i stand in front of the mirror evry day and give myself self-affirmations - that is, i tell myself the gd things about myself
at first i didnt believe them, but as ive done it more and more (fake it till u make it) ive built up more self-esteem

This fake it till you make it, is the most offensive concept in therapy. It implies that I don't have a real mental health problem. It's just my additude that's wrong. I'm just making it all up. I realize that's not what YOU meant, but it still kinda cheeses me off.

as far as bipolar meds go, id suggest u get back on the mood stabilisers - they make most ppl feel like shit
i hav epilepsy and i hav no options but to take epilim, or sodium valproate (also a mood stabiliser)
yes, it makes me feel like shit, but ive bn on it so many yrs ive grown used to it
rather that than hav seizures

my dads on the same stuff for bipolar - for yrs he refused to take it for yrs and was up and down and violent and depressed and all over the place
finally he realised he actually needed the stuff and started taking it

well, the change in him is unbelieveable - he hates the side effects but at least hes stable

That's the problem with bipolar meds. To the people around me, they think they're helping, they dumb me down enough so I seem ok. Honestly I'd rather be dead than feel like they make me feel.

IF U R DEPRESSED ALREADY IT IS BEST TO AVOID ALL DRUGS

Aside from that being obvious, I mentioned that in my post. It's also the first thing that everyone in the psych field tells you. I don't have a problem knowing what to do, it's a problem doing it.

Please don't take this personally. I appreciate your concern. I'm really don't mean to attack you. Maybe it seemed like I was asking for advice, but really I was just venting. If this bothers you I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm being talked down to.

ryno

 

[ocean]

Ryno-
I really don't think she was trying to offend you....I think she was just trying to show you that other people are there/have been there and its not hopeless.....People have their own way of working things out- if affirmations or meds or whatever else is not for you- its not for you.
Thats okay and DW won't be offended you don't take her advice I'm sure.....Maybe you weren't looking for advice but I know when I read about people being down, my first impulse is to share my experiences to let them know that they aren't alone......To tell them different ways I have or others have gotten through the hard times......I don't think that DW will take what you have said personally.......And I KNOW she was not trying to talk down to you.....She is a very caring, understanding person- She, like alot of people on here, only want to help-
maybe next time you can say-"please-no advice-i just want to rant"
That way you don't get offended.....
When you DO want advice or guidance there are alot of people here who have been to hell and back and can help you in all sorts of ways....When you are open to that let us know

 

[drug_wench]

Maybe you weren't looking for advice but I know when I read about people being down, my first impulse is to share my experiences to let them know that they aren't alone......To tell them different ways I have or others have gotten through the hard times......

yep this was exactly wat i was trying to do - i wudnt hav taken on a job as a moderator of this forum if i was just going to sit back and not give ppl advice
i dont do that to talk down to ppl - its to try and help....which is generally wat this forums for
i mean, fjones was doing pretty much the same wasnt he?

no u didnt offend me - maybe i felt a bit hurt but again, thats for me to deal with and i hav coping mechanisms for that (and oceans words helped - thanks hun )

im not implying btw that i can deal with my problems just fine - before cleaning up and turning to various meds then eventually CBT, i was a junkie and a heavy meth user....actually i fucked round with any drug i cud get my hands on

im just saying i got there eventually and u can too
but even the fact that wat u said (which was hardly extremely nasty or anything) made me feel hurt goes to show im not exactly fully-mended - i hurt really easily cos of the way my dad used to talk to me as a kid

and oceans right - if u just want to vent, and dont want advice maybe u shud say so
also, as u will tend to get advice from concerned ppl in TDS, if u want no replies, maybe u shud make a blog entry rather than this forum

anyway the 'drug' suggestion was not aimed at u, rather at ppl in this thread in general (like i said, esp julia)

and if u get nothing out of my suggestions and/or the experiences i shared, maybe they can help someone else
anyway ill finish with that

sorry if u misinterpreted the advice i gave u and i pissed u off - it was not my intention

 

[wallyfx]

ive been contemplating suicide quite a bit this days really depressed embarrasment to society and family loneliness and i guess a lot of selfishness , well thats what i heard when you talk with people about it , etc , i know its a bit random but i need to vent somewhere , when i thought it couldn't get worse , someone who i really loved , well , it didn´t workout , i know there is a lot of people out there but i really don´t care , anyways just wanted to share something i couldn´t share anywhere , ty for reading or flaming.. laters

 

[ocean]

Wallyfx-
Have you talked to anyone about it?
Its good that you are reaching out here-
Feel free to vent more.....
You can always PM me or any of the mods in TDS if you don't want to share publicly........

 

[drug_wench]

^+1
i know u say ur just venting but again i will offer just a bit of advice as u havnt asked for none

its often really gd to talk to a counsellor, if ur depressed (but only if its not clinical depression - if it is id advise u go for CBT or another form of therapy - i always wud suggest antidepressants as a last resort as they all hav pretty major side effects)

to me it sounds like ur depressed by circumstances - like loneliness etc
if u build up gd rapport with a decent counsellor (and dont b afraid to shop around and drop any shitty ones as soon as u realise theyre not for u) then they can give u support and advice

also r u an introvert or an extrovert?
if ur an extrovert id suggest seeking friends in bars and at dance clubs, etc - anywhere where lots of ppl hang out and just hav fun
that doesnt mean taking loads of drugs and drinking lots of piss - u can go out to bars and hav a couple of pints, sit down and just strike up a conversation with anyone else, female or male who happens to b in ur vicinity
if ur a bit shy, just keep practising, approaching a couple of ppl at first before u launch into joining big groups

dance clubs r even easier cos most ppl will not turn down a dance (esp if ur gd on the dance floor), then if u hit it off with someone, just get their number and ask them if they want to hang out some time
yes sometimes ppl will turn u down but 9 times out of 10 it will b for their own reasons not cos they dont like u

if ur introverted and prefer deeper one-on-one conversation, join an interest club
first this means finding a hobby
try one-on-one sports like tennis - maybe even take lessons with other ppl and get to know them that way
u might not b enthused by the idea of anything but u never know whether ull enjoy something until uve tried it

like ocean said PMing other BLers is a gd way to get to know ppl over the net, which is better than knowing no one at all - and us mods in TDS r generally happy to listen to any problems ur going thru and will only offer encouragement and love
as u see ocean has offered to do the same - and i can guarantee she wud offer the same service!

gd luck and hang in there - just remember it can only get better if u go out of ur way to try and improve things for urself!

 

[wallyfx]

thanks a lot for your concern guys its really nice to have kind words and know some people out there actually do a lot of things to help others all of you are really good souls

 

[jackie jones]

Yes. This is a good place. I never had any interest in forums before I found Bluelight. People here have really helped me stay safe with my drug practices and to find light in the darkness.

 

[drug_wench]

thanks a lot for your concern guys its really nice to have kind words and know some people out there actually do a lot of things to help others all of you are really good souls

thats wat were here for - dont forget that PM box is always open!

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I know everyone in this world thinks I'm just a really pathetic and unmotivated whinny anorexic tweaker who was failed at life and while I've never COMPLETELY thought that about myself I really do now. Yes, I've said it before but I've always thought it was just a PART of me, not ALL of me, but now I see that was just delluding myself. I've just never felt this alone, depressed, and hopeless in my life. Even at the most horrible times I've maybe contemplated suicide for a second but I've always turned away from it because I remember how good life can be and I want to experience that again, not just some eternal nothingness or who really even knows. But I find myself thinking about it all the time now. Even if I try and convince myself some goodness will still come back into my life it's like yeah OK, but then this horrible shit is going to come eventually, like it always does... it would seem logical that getting off drugs might make my life better but I really have no motivation to do so right now because it's like yeah uhm what would I be coming back to? School that I've fucked up so much and that I really just hate? My job that keeps screwing me over and that 50% of the time just makes me feel like I'm an incredible failure and and I have to watch people puruse the dream that I fucked up? Horrible friends who are not supportive, don't really give a shit about me unless they need something, and continue fucking me over? I have no boyfriend so that's not even there (and I don't think I will for a very long time) and my father is honestly never going to forgive me ever (and I KNOW this no matter how much anyone wants to tell me otherwise) so my relationship with my family and my mother is never going to be normal or really there. In the last two weeks it has just become abundantly clear that there are NO good people in my life besides my mother and my therapist, and they even hate me now. And on top of that there's years of hating my body and being at war with food and being miserable and depressed in that aspect to look forward to. SO I really hate this life right now but honestly most of the time it seems like suicide would be the much better option because being cleaning is just going to be this same emptiness and loneliness and depression just without drugs.... that's some pathetic whiny shit but it's honestly what's going on in my head.

 

[ocean]

Mia-
I am here if you need to talk.........
Things will get better........

 

[drug_wench]

^me too
u know u can confide in me, mia
ive never said a thing about anything uve told me by PM

the best thing u can do is find some coping mechanisms - look after urself
maybe take some time off work/school if u need to
let urself sleep as much as poss cos ur body is telling u something hun

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

thanks guys

I'm feeling better these last few days but this seems to just be a cycle for me, and I worry that I'll just be back to my post of three days ago again shortly...