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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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^well said paranoid

fuck i think even my dad wud come to my funeral if i died and we havnt talked or even seen each other in yrs - im not allowed his last name

im one of those friends that wud b devastated btw if u did kill urself, which is why im glad uve thought it thru! <3
 
Broken_LCD said:
I feel like I can't handle things without using. The orange bottle is the first thing I go to. I've been on Valium for 4 years. Some days I don't take it, but I feel not a full withdrawal but something is definitely off kind of feeling. When I'm in hysterics and crying it helps calm my crying and I can almost relax, I mean not quite cause my mind is going crazy, but my body isn't, like I'm not having a rapid heartbeat or feel like a panic attack is coming on like I did before.

I hate this going to bed fucked up feeling with my friend. I felt like it was one of the few parts of my life I had in control, and now that's gone. I don't have much left. I have my material possessions.

It's going to tear me up tonight and tomorrow not talking to her... until Saturday which is even if she has forgiven me by Saturday.

Having someone who has known you quite literally since you were born and has been there, not talk to me all of the sudden is killing me. This has never happened.

I would say this was the breaking point today. I was coping so to speak with everything else, still depressed, but coping... this now is too much.
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hey man...I've done some awful awful things to friends a couple of times. Trust me, a good friend will forgive you if your honestly sorry, and you dont make it a habit. Just tell the person your sorry, and mean it, and I am sure they willl accept you. If not...how much of a friend where they to begin with? ;)
 
rangrz said:
If not...how much of a friend where they to begin with? ;)
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well said

i was really (or so i thought) gd friends with this chick, angelina - she helped me by being there to listen to me moan on about my cravings and addiction (her sister was a meth/coke addict so she thinks she understands addiction)

in return i helped her break in her difficult horse, milly and taught her foal, bolly, that she didnt hav time for (due to her sister going thru chemo and her stallion dying) evrything from having his hooves picked out to being trucked to shows

now shes found out that ive bn on valium (she already knew, and hated, the fact im on suboxone - she calls its 'that methadone stuff') and that im coming off slowly so while im working for her i need to hav my pills on me so i can take them at the strict times the doctors hav ordered me to take certain doses

instead of supporting me and saying gd on me for getting off valium, shes saying i shudnt b taking more drugs and here i go again

i told her how it came about - that wen i was prescribed benzos i didnt know id get addicted, id never abused them, etc

she just replied with 'ur not bringing any pills onto my farm - ill hav to find another trainer for milly and bolly'
which eats me up cos ive grown attached to those horses, esp little bolly with his fuzzy coat and gangly legs - he nickers at me and gallops up to see me

anyway, i guess in a long-winded way, im saying, ive learnt that some ppl just rnt worth ur time in the first place

gd friends r hard to come by, but ull know if uve got a gd friend in this chick u talk about, cos shell forgive u

and i still hav yet to find out whether ange really is a gd friend or not - it might all blow over and shell come to her senses.....i sent her a copy of a site about benzo addiction and why u hav to come off them slowly
its her choice now whether she chooses to remember why she chose to b my friend or throw it all in

if she throws it all in, as rangrz said, im not missing out on anything cos she obviously wasnt worth my time

itll just b little bolly i miss
 
Awwww dw, that fucking sucks hun :( :( :(
I am so sorry to hear that Angelina's acting like that. It's so very disappointing.
You are right, true friends are hard to come by...
*hugs* <3
 
I can't believe I had to sit down and read this for like the 50th time in my life. Sometimes it helps...even if its just to calm me. It sucks that when the nights are dark and I'm alone with my hopeless thoughts...there is no one to turn to.

I suppose I can wait and see what I feel like tomorrow...
 
thanks neo - i wasnt actually looking for any sympathy (although i do feel a bit sorry for myself i must admit) just backing up wat rangrz had said in my usual long-winded ADHD way 8)

pillthrill - it doesnt matter how many times u hav to read it, if it helps, thats the main thing
im glad u still continue to read it and that it is helping u! and u r right - tomorrow is another day <3

i actually had a moment of suicidal thinking today and it alarmed me cos ive never bn suicidal since i was using - just a lot going on for me atm
but i thought about all the ppl id hurt if i killed myslef, esp my mum, brother and paul and the fleeting thought passed
thank god
 
If it helps you to read it, it's not pathetic :) you are a strong person for being able to use your resources and deal with your emmotions in a non destructive way.

Hang in there, don't leave us. <3
 
Well its tomorrow and nothing but more work and disappointment, oh yeah this was TOTALLY worth waiting for....
 
It might not come in one day.

When I really am considering suicide I think back to the last time I was truely happy, and the time before that, and the time before that. I also think back to when I was last miserable, and the time before that, and etc.

Life is a cycle and you go through moments of being happy and being unhappy, but I'm sure you've had a good dose of both. This is a bad period, but things will get better. They have before and they will again. If you end your life, you'll never be able to experience those moments of happiness again.

Realisitically, if we were never unhappy, we would never know or appreciate being happy. Think of this as period to learn and grow from, and to prepare you for another great happiness that WILL come into your life. You are a very pretty, sweet, and kind girl and you deserve to be happy and will.

This may sound like bullshit, but it's what keeps me going everyday, and I honestly DO believe it, otherwise I wouldn't be here posting it now.
 
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^gd idea, mia
thats an idea i will try to use, myself, as im definitely going thru a hard time
im willing to try anything to feel better about myself and that sounds like gd sense
thanks for that!
 
Today is better. Perhaps the meds are evening out. I think the psych doc and I have a couple things to talk about at my next appt.
I still feel overwhelmed by the amount of BORING homework I have to do. I HATE reading shit I don't give a freaking damn about. But its my own fault for not getting a jump on SOME of it when I could have.
 
^^Good!!! I'm so glad you had a better day (sorry to just jump in here, I was reading your other posts in "cutting" and I'm really feeling for you girl :( )

hey, don't get down on yourself about that reading! You're doing it now, and that's all that matters (although I'm sorry to hear its so boring!)... you obviously have a lot going on right now so I admire you for stepping up to the plate and dealing with life one day at a time. A lot of people would just disregard the homework and give up, but there's a fighter in you that will come to find your happiness one day.. soon, I hope :)
 
I love Bluelight. I was considering driving my car off a cliff or into the side of a mountain today, but I had my puppy in the car. Plus, I would hate to think how it would affect my boyfriend and family. I don't have the balls to do it. But at least after reading this thread I know how many people are managing with this pain.
 
TwistedReality said:
I love Bluelight. I was considering driving my car off a cliff or into the side of a mountain today, but I had my puppy in the car. Plus, I would hate to think how it would affect my boyfriend and family. I don't have the balls to do it. But at least after reading this thread I know how many people are managing with this pain.
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I think we've all wanted to eat an ounce of 000 shot at some point.

but we gotta put it prespective.

glad you decided not to do it....the world has enough misery, no need to add more.
 
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