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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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^well, all i can say is wen those gd days come, thank watever deity out there u believe in that ur having one
and if u dont believe in any deity, just go with the flow and let urself.....b happy!
 
For some reason, I feel like posting this;

if anyone needs someone to talk to, please PM me. esp if you think a bit of jovialness and/or "hardness" would help improve you and prevent you from committing suicide...I might be a bit of a jerk on the fourms, but I dont bite, I promise.....

this goes double to any military vet's having a hard time mentally with things you see, did or expierenced in the forces.....hit me up before you frag yourself.

having seen the results of quite a few suicides, and delt with the aftermath of it. I implore you, please talk to someone....one of my most traumatic memories is a call for service for a suicide of a teenage girl....its an image that I just cant erase.

so please talk to someone and get help, if not for yourself, then for the guys and gals who have to come and clean up. (even a "clean" one is very distressing, I assure you)
 
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^^ Not surprisingly.

I saw a girl jump through a glass window to her death once, I didn't sleep for weeks. And when I did sleep, I just dreamt about her! (I'd never seen/met her previously).

rangrz, if you still think about it, you should maybe go talk to someone about it. No harm to be done <3
 
^agreed
to me u come across as a staunch guy but u never know sometimes wat damage has bn done deep inside thats hiding behind that staunch exterior

i hate the way some guys r made to feel like they cant show their feelings, esp their pain, just cos theyre guys
my brother was called a little pussy and mocked by my dad evry time he cried, while he was growing up

as a result hes become hardened and seemingly feelingless, but paul can see by his aura that hes not a happy guy - not just that, he avoids any subject about emotions, sometimes can seem like he has no empathy (cos he feels hes expected to b that way), laughs and jokes about bad shit that happens to him and sometimes other ppl, and has now turned into an alcoholic, meth addict

im not saying ur like this rangrz, i dont know u, but talking to someone might b a really gd idea
as u all know im not into self-diagnosis/diagnosing other ppl, but not being able to sleep after an upsetting event can b the first sign of PTSD.....do u ever hav recurring images in ur mind during the day/dreams at night about some of the stuff uve had to see?
if so, id especially urge u to get help - u dont hav to suffer
 
^Agreed, my half brother is that way... my father's first wife (his mother) had a long death from breast cancer and he has never really dealt with his emmotions around it mostly because of the "be a man" stigma my father forced/continues to force... it doesn't not surprise me in anyway he's been a heroin addict for half his life.

I've never seen anyone comitt suicide-- closest was a girl I was close to committed suicide the day after she was forced out of a treatment program because her insurance refused to pay, and I saw her right before discharge, which still haunts me. I cannot imagine what it would be like to see first-hand. :(
 
My father committed suicide two months before my sweet sixteen, and it almost distroyed me. It is a miracle when the family survives the fact that someone you love and are family with picks death over being with you. Thats what keeps me around when things get hard, and thats my daughters. I never want them to bury me thinking I wanted to be there more then with them. Life is short enough, why help death out, it never did anything for me, so fuck it. What I guess I am trying to say is, whatever works. You can always try again tomorrow, why not try? :\ <3
 
drug_wench said:
im not saying ur like this rangrz, i dont know u, but talking to someone might b a really gd idea
as u all know im not into self-diagnosis/diagnosing other ppl, but not being able to sleep after an upsetting event can b the first sign of PTSD.....do u ever hav recurring images in ur mind during the day/dreams at night about some of the stuff uve had to see?
if so, id especially urge u to get help - u dont hav to suffer
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eh, its in my head, and its unseeable, but that as the burden of my profession for time immemoral.

it does not distrup my life or anything, it just makes me sad every now and then that people do such awful things to them selves...or each other.

I saw a grizzly as bejesus suicide once...we're all just fucking around in the sticks, on a easy training ex. Some average dude grabs a frag nade off his vest, rips the pin, and just holds it to his chest with a blank expression.

4 seconds later I was coated in his viscera...that however was so surreal that it diddnt matter.

and i've seen genocides too..

the point of my post wasnt "baaw i has ptsd" it was "killing your self creates issues for the people who clean it up, and please at least think of that first"
 
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mrs_mia_wallace said:
^that becomes more difficult when the people in you life would probably be better off without you...
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Thats just the way you think when you are really depressed. It's not how the way things are. Even though the people in your life may rag on you abit they (or most of em) would much rather have you alive then dead.

Rangrz that is some fucking awful shit man. A guy musta been really fucked up to hold a grenade to his chest and kill himself that way. That is about as ugly as it gets.

Ive had more then a few friends commit suicide and the symptoms are not always obvious at all. One guy i knew at school was the laughing joking type never seemed depressed. I was talking to him on the bus on the way home and the next day i find out he blew his head off with a shotgun. From what i heard everyone kinda freaked the next day. I was glad i was home with a hangover i couldnt have dealt with that.
 
paranoid android said:
Thats just the way you think when you are really depressed. It's not how the way things are. Even though the people in your life may rag on you abit they (or most of em) would much rather have you alive then dead.

Rangrz that is some fucking awful shit man. A guy musta been really fucked up to hold a grenade to his chest and kill himself that way. That is about as ugly as it gets.

Ive had more then a few friends commit suicide and the symptoms are not always obvious at all. One guy i knew at school was the laughing joking type never seemed depressed. I was talking to him on the bus on the way home and the next day i find out he blew his head off with a shotgun. From what i heard everyone kinda freaked the next day. I was glad i was home with a hangover i couldnt have dealt with that.
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Honestly it's not just the sad thinking-- my father tells people he has no children and never wants to speak to me again. My mother is just constantly dissapointed, stressed, and worried about me and I don't feel like she can handle another relapse. That goes for the rest of the people in my life, are just continually dissapointed and hurt by me.

So that's not really the reason I haven't offed myself by now. Mostly just that I am selfish and as devastated as I may be I remember moments of great happiness in life and death is too unknown to me, I wouldn't want to sacrifice the ability to be happy in exchange for possible nothing-ness.

But lately I think about suicide a lot more than I ever have in the past. :|
 
rangrz said:
the point of my post wasnt "baaw i has ptsd" it was "killing your self creates issues for the people who clean it up, and please at least think of that first"
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fair enough, i was just letting u know u hav options for dealing with that shit
i certainly wasnt diagnosing u with PTSD - like i say i hate ppl self-diagnosing or ppl who rnt psychiatrists diagnosing ppl wen they rnt qualified

mia - i dont think its selfish that ur staying on the earth cos of the optimistic moments u remember
cos i feel oneday u can get them back
i dont know wat itll take but remember i pray for u evry night

the world wudnt b better off without u - i can tell u one person whod b devastated if u died.....me
thru our PMs ive come to really like and identify with u

and i think whether u think so or not, ur mum wud b more damaged by ur death than if u just stayed alive and relapsed
in fact i can guarantee it
most parents of addicts work out by the time weve fucked up a few times that relapse is all part of recovery

hang in there - dont kill urself
if u feel like killing urself, thats wen u take urself straight off to the ER
dont become another name in the BL shrine - ur precious to many of us, including me
 
The Suicide hotline listed on the 1st page. When you call that does it show up on the phone bill, and can they trace you so to speak?

I'm really not up to getting locked somewhere I just need to talk right now, it's not even so much that I'm even know if I'm actually going to commit suicide. I've been there and tried that I don't know if I have the energy in me to do it... to depressed for suicide, is that possible? I keep thinking about it, but thinking and doing is two different things. I keep getting these anxious pings that go through me to just do it.

I remember something my therapist was saying how most people commit suicide when they are coming out of a bad depression.

Anyway, I don't even know how I'm typing cause I'm crying so much. Took 2 Valium to try and calm down.

I started a thread about how my friend isn't talking to me since I told her that I did E and Coke and told me not to talk to her till Saturday. She's known me since I was born and nothing like this has ever happened. It was definitely a one time thing no doubt about it, I will never do it again. I realized then that I'm a strictly opiate person, which I do everyday and she knows about.

I didn't even buy the E and Coke. She is always saying I can talk about everything, but in actuality I can't, because of this. I had this feeling about it, about telling her. But it's okay for her to drink, smoke tons of weed and bum Valium off of me. As many times as I told her not to drink with the Valium she did and ended up fucking up her ankle in the club and I spent the whole time in the walk-in with her. But the minute I do something other than those drugs she gets like this. I don't get it at all. So now I have no best friend to talk to, my other friends are asleep.

I got into an argument with the college loan company today and I can't make the payments, the interest accrues daily when it's late. I tried explaining I'm on disability and don't make the money to pay all my bills and them. I apparently can't get a deferment or forbearance on this particular loan. My grandmother co-signed, and she is down my throat about it and there is nothing I can do. I can't make money magically appear. So each day I owe more and more, my checking account is in the negative.

My car is falling apart, it needs and alignment and balance badly, it reeks of gasoline for some reason and the muffler is tied up. I have no heat in it, it's winter in Massachusetts btw right now.

My mother has a meeting with a surgeon because they found a lump in her breast. I'm worried about that because she is amazing to me. I barely see her anymore because she works a lot (IT Computer job), and when she comes home she just wants to get into comfy clothes have dinner and then watch some TV. She's always too tired. I feel like I owe a lot to her because when I was in 1st grade she was waiting for the bus with me and we both were shot (this 14 year old kid playing with his dad's gun), she has a scar on her neck still from it and I got grazed across the chest and knocked to the ground. She even being that injured still picked me up and ran home, blood everywhere. I feel like I owe her something for that too, and I've never lived up to it.

My parents want me to be active and stuff, I go for walks and do little things around the house but it's never enough. And my father of all people should understand because I'm exactly like him. Some days I just want to stay in bed and not do anything, and my therapist even said if I need 2 days or something not to be bothered so I can feel better than I should do it. They don't seem to understand this. The only way I can truly get their attention is attempting suicide and having panic attacks till I pass out.

I don't judge any of my friends I don't see why they have to pass judgment on me, I told her that honestly I'm not going to do it again. I tried it, it wasn't that great, I know what I like (opiates) and it was a one time thing.

I don't know it seems like every aspect of my life is crumbling around me again... each time it gets worse. I should just cope through it to make myself a stronger person, for what, for self gratification or something... well I've never gotten any from "making it through", ever. It's just making me more fucked up. This stuff keeps me awake at night, and makes me feel like ending things. I already have the way I'm going to do it, and to be honest what's stopping me right now is that I've had it so much, I barely have energy to type this. Like I said in the beginning it's more like these anxious pings that go through me to just do it and it fades.
 
Broken_LCD said:
The Suicide hotline listed on the 1st page. When you call that does it show up on the phone bill, and can they trace you so to speak?
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i cant answer this for u but i can tell u one thing

anyone who uses downers frequently (valium/alcohol/opiates) will eventually become depressed cos those drugs alter ur brain chemistry that way

sure uve got a shitload going on for u atm ill agree but i can guarantee if u werent using u probly wud b able to handle it a bit better

just think about it - i cant force u to stop, but maybe u might want to slow down in order to start naturally being able to feel happy again
also, im addicted to valium, and i can tell u, its no picnic to come off!

ur best friend is ur best friend - she will come back to u
uve had a trivial argument
try not to worry about it cos its seriously not something thats going to break up true best friends

wen i relapsed on meth my friend tereza wudnt talk to me for months but in the end, once i got clean again, she came around
i got all wound up about it at the time but now i realise i shudnt hav, cos tereza is a true friend and true friends dont just dump u like that

take it easy mate, and think about wat i said about the depressants!
 
I feel like I can't handle things without using. The orange bottle is the first thing I go to. I've been on Valium for 4 years. Some days I don't take it, but I feel not a full withdrawal but something is definitely off kind of feeling. When I'm in hysterics and crying it helps calm my crying and I can almost relax, I mean not quite cause my mind is going crazy, but my body isn't, like I'm not having a rapid heartbeat or feel like a panic attack is coming on like I did before.

I hate this going to bed fucked up feeling with my friend. I felt like it was one of the few parts of my life I had in control, and now that's gone. I don't have much left. I have my material possessions.

It's going to tear me up tonight and tomorrow not talking to her... until Saturday which is even if she has forgiven me by Saturday.

Having someone who has known you quite literally since you were born and has been there, not talk to me all of the sudden is killing me. This has never happened.

I would say this was the breaking point today. I was coping so to speak with everything else, still depressed, but coping... this now is too much.
 
rangrz said:
For some reason, I feel like posting this;

if anyone needs someone to talk to, please PM me. esp if you think a bit of jovialness and/or "hardness" would help improve you and prevent you from committing suicide...I might be a bit of a jerk on the fourms, but I dont bite, I promise.....

this goes double to any military vet's having a hard time mentally with things you see, did or expierenced in the forces.....hit me up before you frag yourself.

having seen the results of quite a few suicides, and delt with the aftermath of it. I implore you, please talk to someone....one of my most traumatic memories is a call for service for a suicide of a teenage girl....its an image that I just cant erase.

so please talk to someone and get help, if not for yourself, then for the guys and gals who have to come and clean up. (even a "clean" one is very distressing, I assure you)
Click to expand...


You may be crazier than I am. lol But you good people dude. Thanks for the times you were there for me, to chit chat or talk me through the bs.
 
Broken_LCD said:
I feel like I can't handle things without using. The orange bottle is the first thing I go to. I've been on Valium for 4 years. Some days I don't take it, but I feel not a full withdrawal but something is definitely off kind of feeling. When I'm in hysterics and crying it helps calm my crying and I can almost relax, I mean not quite cause my mind is going crazy, but my body isn't, like I'm not having a rapid heartbeat or feel like a panic attack is coming on like I did before.

I hate this going to bed fucked up feeling with my friend. I felt like it was one of the few parts of my life I had in control, and now that's gone. I don't have much left. I have my material possessions.

It's going to tear me up tonight and tomorrow not talking to her... until Saturday which is even if she has forgiven me by Saturday.

Having someone who has known you quite literally since you were born and has been there, not talk to me all of the sudden is killing me. This has never happened.

I would say this was the breaking point today. I was coping so to speak with everything else, still depressed, but coping... this now is too much.
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as she has bn ur friend for so long, i can genuinely promise u she will come around

as for the valium, u can go days without it cos it has a 72hr half-life
however go longer than that and ull know about it

before i started taking benzos (as prescribed!) i had a love of life, i was a sharp thinker and i knew wat i wanted

wen i went on clonazepam i didnt notice the subtle change but slowly over the yrs i became duller, my cognitive abilities became less efficient, i lost my motivation and i began to get rebound withdrawals from the drug
eventually i had to b switched to valium so i cud b weaned off (as the withdrawals got too much)

then things went from bad to worse - valium gives me nausea and makes me dull and unmotivated.....often i hav to force myself out of bed, force down my food....i just want to sleep all day
not just that, it made me crave opiates so i relapsed on codeine, then oxycodone, then heroin.....so now i hav to stay on suboxone until i come off valium
then ive got to go thru the hell of tapering off that

its going to take me 80 weeks to get off valium cos i was on 40mg/day and im weaning off 1mg/fortnight cos of my epilepsy (got to do it sloooow)

i often wish i cud just take back ever having gone on clonazepam and hav taken a diffrent drug for my epilepsy (thats wat it was prescribed for originaly) but its too late for that now

even dropping 1mg of valium i feel withdrawals - well im adjusting slowly as the fortnight goes on, but at first i was so strung-out, my head hurt, my fingers tingled, my anxiety was thru the roof and i still find it hard to sleep

sorry so long - thats just why i hate valium and wud always warn ppl against it
its addictive (dangerously so), it causes depression symptoms wen used regularly and i wudnt say its too easy on ur body judging by the way my stomachs felt since ive bn on it!
 
mrs_mia_wallace said:
Honestly it's not just the sad thinking-- my father tells people he has no children and never wants to speak to me again. My mother is just constantly dissapointed, stressed, and worried about me and I don't feel like she can handle another relapse. That goes for the rest of the people in my life, are just continually dissapointed and hurt by me.

So that's not really the reason I haven't offed myself by now. Mostly just that I am selfish and as devastated as I may be I remember moments of great happiness in life and death is too unknown to me, I wouldn't want to sacrifice the ability to be happy in exchange for possible nothing-ness.

But lately I think about suicide a lot more than I ever have in the past. :|
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As far as im concerned ive never had a dad cause he was only home half the time when i grew up and was never around anyway. I know im a constant dissapointment to my brother (as he constantly reminds me and like i could give a fuck) and im a burden on my mom and sometimes drive her nuts due to mental problems and alcohol and drug addiction. But i know if i killed myself as much as my family rags on me theyd miss me. Though im not sure about my dad since he probably wouldnt notice me dead for about a month :|.

Also i have a few friends that would be fucking devestated if i killed myself and i couldnt do that. Also i always figure i can put off killing myself but i can't undo it.
 
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