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TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

I know you are, thank you. I just hate living this way. I know there are people with lives that are a lot worse than mine and i now it's selfish and whatever but i just hate who i am. I've become a monster.
 
Scared, Lonely and in pain, What is the point, there is no one in my whole country that will miss me and possibly the world as I don't think my brother cares at all anymore , which is just more pain on this planet. Nice read but hasn't changed the way I feel. Maybe time for Halperidol, yeah i got long qt and it'll make it worse. But either way alive is apparently better than dark cold death. Peace, KW.
 
I've even thinking about this for a long time. Don't see any other way to get out of this hole, so I might as well perpetually be in said hole. My every thought is consumed by 'will I see this person again? Have I said what I needed?'I don't have the energy to go on anymore, and everyday I feel like I'm putting off the inevitable. I just want it to stop. I've had enough hospitals, treatment programs,etc to last a lifetime. Well, maybe my lifetime. I don't know what else to do.
 
Your exhaustion is understandable.<3 I am so sorry that so many have to suffer with conditions we barely understand, treatments that are generally not very good or even sometimes worse than what they are reputed to treat. One of the best things you can do is to get support from a community of people that can empathize with you from their own experience. Pain is always isolating whether it is physical or emotional, but some tangible comfort is to be had by sharing experiences and feelings with others that deal with their own symptoms.<3
 
Gone beyond breaking point.

I am okay with my mortality.
I have accepted it.
I will be the one to end my life, on my terms.
I shall not waste away.
I shall die when and how I choose.
Not decided by some fucking disease.
 
You sound pretty determined, sprout. Is there no way to kill the unhappiness without taking a life? Sometimes it helps for perspective sake to see if you can imagine what comes next. Your mind, when you are suicidal, is stuck on how good it will feel to leave every bit of pain and suffering behind but what about what happens after? Do you have any specific beliefs about that?
 
I consider myself Atheistic, and yet imagine spending eternity with my daughter.
Many times I kept going in order to make her proud.
But now; my early exit is almost certain.
May potentially have Leukaemia - got that news and left hospital within the hour. I ran. I have kept running since.
Getting calls from the hospital quite frequently. I'm too scared to answer.
 
Resorted to isolating myself and trying to sabotage any positive relationship I have with people.
I don't want my death to negatively affect those I care about, or who were foolish enough to care for me.
I know how it feels to lose something loved.
It hurts less to lose something you hate.
I'd rather fade away knowing people will not be hurt. I don't want to be missed.
I want to know those I care for are happy.
 
Sprout, I am so sorry. The body is programmed for survival--a part of us never wants to die even when a part of us does. I hope that something happens to change your thoughts. Life is malleable. I hope you can find some peace.<3
 
I'm in this halfway house and I'm getting bullied. One of them took it to another level today, and if I had the cash I'd have done something, or gotten that much closer to suicide anyway. I wonder if I really would have. I got suicidal in this place. Since being clean my mental health sucks.
 
And the antagonizing continues. I need to hold on until Monday. Disability exam. That shows I want to live. SSD is my ticket out of this hell, if I get it.
 
This thread caught my eye given my on and off struggles with feeling suicidal that have pervaded since I was twelve. Somehow through all of it I got to this point where I haven't felt as though I wanted my life to end for at least a month now. It's miracle whenever I have time periods like these where for whatever reason living is appealing, and I'm lucky because being mentally ill I never know when I'll be struck with despair. I'm sure I'll be suicidal again at some point but I have tools in place to help myself for when that inevitably happens.
One thing that I've noticed when dealing with these issues in clinical settings is that therapists, social workers, and doctors often are not skilled in the art of helping those who seem to be at the end of their road. This makes getting help difficult when it feels as though you'll be punished if you express how you really feel about living. For some inpatient hospitalization is welcomed relief for others it is punishment for telling the truth. Everyone knows how they feel about being hospitalized and for me it has always been important to assess whether or not such an outcome would be to my benefit or detriment before I decided to request help from a clinician. Knowing that determined how I could express my current mental state when seeking help from a clinician. I'm going to list some tools I use when I'm feeling suicidal. Note they are not going to work for everyone and if they are not applicable to you that doesn't mean there aren't tools out there that will be. I am ultimately human and in the grand scheme of things know next to nothing, so I'd encourage everyone to develop their own cognitive toolkit that helps them in times of deep despair.
- Asking myself how my mother or siblings would feel if I were to die
- Asking myself how my dog would get by if I were no longer around
- Developing goals for my life that are worth living to achieve
- Acquiring emergency medications from a doctor to sedate me until the feeling passes
- Removing myself from isolation to avoid any rash decision making
- Chemically altering my state of mind to pass the time until negative emotions pass

These are just a few and don't beat yourself up if you do what you have to do to survive, ultimately the goal is to get yourself into a space where you can have meaningful experiences in this world. It's going to be hard. That's the truth. Nothing worth doing was ever too easy. Sure you could misconstrue my last statement but that would be to miss the point. I'd say the biggest thing for me is always setting a goal that I wouldn't want to die before I achieve. I have several and they help me just enough to scrape by. Life is hard, it's not fair, and that's bullshit. So I understand wanting to die, it's honestly a normal feeling. I usually feel that way when my ability to live is being stifled by something. Figure out what's stifling your ability to live and develop a plan to give yourself a chance to move past it. In same way that you have the right to want to die, you have to right create a life worth living. I never think that writing these things must make any difference but I empathize with the feeling of wanting to die and you all deserve better than what you're getting out of life. So I hope you can find the desire for something regarding living within yourselves. I'd gladly offer more if I had it to offer.
 
^That post is worth being inscribed in stone. Thank you for the honesty and the insight.

I have always held the belief that most people do not want to die, they want pain to end. They want the life they are living and feeling stuck in to change, they want that life to die. In other words, suicidal feelings may be your true self demanding to be heard and screaming for life. It is a powerful time if you can identify new goals for your life. In many cases it is as simple as living for yourself and not for your family. Of course that is not simple but it is a goal that can be your compass for change.

I think one of the most terrible outcomes of our culture is death of the imagination. People have forgotten how to imagine their own lives, how to imagine change. When one assumes that everything comes from outside (if only I looked like so and so or if only I had money or if only I was not lonely etc) the part of you that is capable of change withers inside. Creativity should not be limited to art. Creating your own life while you are here (and as an older person, I can tell you, it's shorter than it may seem when you are young!) is an exciting, frustrating, surprising, grueling, exhilarating and ultimately meaningful pursuit.
 
Im glad I'm not the only one whose pet has kept her alive in the past. My pet died in June so I need another. I get the altered state of mind thing until the feeling passes as well. I tried to get "a little high" on Tuesday by sniffing one small, as in not much in it, bag of --- and I ended up on the floor twice with blue lips and the ambulance was called. I wasn't alone because I'm in a substance abuse halfway house. Anyway, now I know that I can easily sniff 3 bags of that same --- and be done with it. So for me to chemically alter myself until suicidal feelings pass, DXM would be a safer endeavor.
 
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