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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

thanks you two.
spork..honestly, I have talked to a couple people about it..
but my situation does make it horribly difficult to understand..
I've done the therapist thing a few times..mostly when I was younger..
and really I wouldn't mind it about now..
but I can't afford it about now either..and I've no insurance to help me..
I've really got some other health problems going on that money would go
to first..if I thought it would make any difference.
I don't know..i'm way too sober..and that makes it all that much more
overwhelming to me.
abject..it's always worth a lot to me especially when the commiserations aren't
out of any kind of obligation..which they certainly weren't/aren't.
thank you..I appreciate you both. <3
I don't know..i'm just trying to get through another minute.
but god..i need this to end.
I've no one to blame but me..i know that too well..
and i'm so fucking terrible at dealing with guilt..
it's so entirely overwhelming.
i'm sure you just want a simple thanks for the support and I feel better now..
but I won't lie about it.
I don't feel better at all..i'm dying for this feeling to stop.
sorry.
I do sincerely appreciate the support though. so please know that.
<3
 
Hi token, no one knows how you feel inside but it's clear from your words that you are in pain.

I don't believe there is genuine release or escape in ending it all, not in the way I desire sometimes anyhow.

I do relate to the feeling of not recalling ever beign truly happy it's something that is very hard to describe to others, I firmly believe we all experinace this part of our journey in an individual way.

I struggle with these kind of thoughts and sometimes the desperation to be free of the pain of being but I do not always feel that way, I do find the way out of that deep dark well and survive to carry on the fight.

You are important, there is always more to come hold on to fight another day
 
token and abject, I wish that I could just sit you both in the sun with me today, not talking, just sitting and letting it soak into our bones. When pain is beyond words, words lose their meaning altogether. Nature doesn't use words, heals on a deeper level.I hope for you both, sun, or clouds, a tree maybe, a river, a snowy field--something near you and accessible that can reach in and bring you out of the tight circle of pain into someplace airy and larger, some place that calls your name. Please take care.
 
Hi,
I do not feel able to cope i just want to die. I have an alcohol problem which i have tried to control and failed and am feeling so alone at the moment. My family know nothing of this nor my previous attempt when i bottled it and went to the hospital to get treatment. I have been stated that i am not depressed merely a drunk but despite giving up alcohol for a while i felt more miserable than ever. I just want to end it all and am not sure what to do.
 
^^

Please don't end it all. Congratulations on getting clean, it is not easy. How long have you been clean for? You may be in PAWS which is causing you to feel the way you do. <3
 
The only reason I haven't done it yet is because I'm afraid of screwing it up and ending up with brain damage or what have you, kept alive by machines and unable to finish the task, with theocrats refusing to let me die. If I had a 100% foolproof way I would use it. This is a rational decision on my part. I'm done, I've left a trail of destruction that I can't undo, and I don't want to keep going. I won't change, I can't change, no therapist has ever been able to help me. Yes, the root of it is my fucked up childhood. My ability to trust and create real bonds with other humans was destroyed from the start. But I got educated, I had a career, I married, I had two children. I lost it all when my alcohol use became more important than all of it. Something for the pain. But I picked myself up, got sober, started over. New career, girlfriends. Then destroyed again by depression this time. Agonizing depression. Psychiatric drugs did nothing but dull my senses, sapped the life out of me. Can't hold a job. Can't can't can't. Running out of money, won't be able to make rent in a couple of months. No family, no friends.

I'm concerned about missing the part of my brain that will just kill me if I use a gun. I could just end up blind and brain damaged. I don't want to jump off a cliff because I might just break my neck and end up totally paralyzed. There's no substance I can ingest that won't simply make me sick and damage my digestive system. I don't want to look to acquire illegal drugs because I don't want to go to jail. Some self-righteous jerkoff might "save" me if I try to drown myself and I'll end up brain damaged. It'd be awesome if I had access to a pit of lava like in Terminator or something where you just disintegrate upon hitting it. Exit bag wouldn't work, I'd instinctively pull it off. Hanging is way too unreliable.
 
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If I don't post tomorrow I'm among the sleep. Edit: I'm alive
 
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High and hollow, I'm tryna get a date for saturday night maybe that'll be fun. I carved die into my arm a couple nights ago.
 
i cant do anything right, i get so drunk i lose my razor, cant afford drugs, i just need to find some cliff
 
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