• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

Whatever belief keeps ya goin' is fine with me. I personally haven't "sinned" at all! Engineers of existence don't have any interaction(s) with me, and that's just gravy.
 
not sure whats going on with me at the minute the other week i was buzzing away nicely early that wednesday morning next thing ive got a noose around my neck because i was in my room at the time i had no where to really attach it to so couldnt just drop and snap my neck like if i was outside can't real describe what i did to try just hang but i just could not get it to restrict my breathing and just said fuck it and carried on with things .

this is the thing there's something wrong with me where i do stuff like this like the is a side to me controlling and if it does not get its way fuck me it will just get rid of me guess at least ive noticed it i guess before it gets the better of me
 
The first intro post is now unreadable on my phone. Please change the black background to the way it was. I really need to read it.
 
We're here for you. Stay with us. Talk to us. We can get through this no matter how impossible it may seem. You deserve a chance to be happy as anyone.
 
My husband died of an overdose 5 months ago. We were married for one month. I don't want to live without him. I have no friends, my family Is cruel and judged him for being an addict. I get a big "told you so". I have lost my desire to live at all. He is on the other side of death, and that is where I want to be. I just want to know how to go peacefully.
 
All my love to everyone here as always. :)

Was recently hospitalised by my prescribed psychiatric meds - 7kg of leaking lymphatic fluid in my ankles (yes, simultaneously, due for two knee surgeries to add to the party) became thoroughly infected. Let me say that was the most agonising and debilitating experience of my life. That day I understood the point of 0-10 pain scales; a definite 8.
After 4 days in hospital refusing pain meds, I'm flagged as, surprise, comorbid MH difficulties and a professional Junkie but as I am not on maintenance I would like not to add to the mess that is my scattered medical records or thoroughly tarnished reputation.

Will soon be switched to Aripirazole XR which I am glad for.
The 'discontinuation syndrome' (:p) has meant my becoming hypomanic to a slight degree. Though I have to say such mood affectivity was/is my reason for seeking legitimate treatment. The invincible grandiosity seems to be mixing with lingering suicidal thoughts; not the most pleasant.

I got through it then, I have to now with 2-4 episodes annually. Though I will maintain that every day is infinitely better than the last, if only for having learned something from the experience.

Stay strong, stay safe.
<3
 
Hey Sprout, don't you hesitate for one second to PM me if you are feeling suicidal. I don't judge, I listen. If you ever feel like talking would help, hit me up.<3

The condition with your legs sounds horrific! When are the surgeries?
 
Finally went to my GP about an entirely physical issue (potential malnutrition and worryingly irregular menstrual cycle). She asked my medical history, which showed a laundry list of mental health issues and past medications. She asked if I was still in contact with mental health services, I said I had an initial appointment with them a month ago but they haven't got back to me (I still wasn't sure that this was anything other than tangentially related to the issue at hand, I've never had an eating disorder). After receiving this information she stared at me blankly and said "you obviously don't want to help yourself, there's nothing I can do".

A) I do and I'm trying very hard to and I was actually quite proud of my progress in the area of my mental health. B) I feel hopeless and like there's only one option now, I know it's pathetic for suicidal thoughts to flare up after just one comment and that it's probably indicative that I don't want to help myself.
 
What do u guys think is on the other side? I believe in JC and I know he's forgiven me of all my sins but I know Catholicism shares different beliefs.

I feel like I have everything on earth squared away sorta but I'm worried about where I might go afterwards? Its cool if you aren't religious that's not the topic I just wonder what y'all think?

Everytime I think about it, which is often, it seems like that is the only thing that holds me back.
 
@ahint: That is a ridiculously callous way for a doctor to react. As hard as it may be, try to find another doctor and if necessary lodge a complaint about the treatment you received from the first one. If she really reacted as you say to you telling her you are on a waiting list (and still waiting!) she needs to be called upon to answer for her lack of care (both medical and human).

@Bigsammy: I do not believe any of us can know what lies beyond our bodily existence. Beliefs, at least in this incarnation, often create reality and I often ask myself if our beliefs about an afterlife might do the same? A very good friend of mine just took his own life, leaving his parents, his best friend and me completely devastated. He used to talk to me about it and tell me that everyone would be better off without him. This could not be further from the truth. What is the pain in your life that makes you think this is the only solution?
 
On Saturday morning I took a large polypharmaceulogical overdose, I had a bath, I did my hair and I settled into bed knowing that my boyfriend would come home from work 6-7hrs later and there I would be.

This is the second time I have done this, and I wish I'd learnt my lesson the first time. I'm still struggling with what I did. Time will make it less painful I guess..

The reason I'm sharing this is because I wish I could tell myself not to do it. It's so confusing when you are feeling enough pain to actually do it, and then you come round and you're left to face more pain. To anyone please seek help, don't do it, learn from my mistakes. Trying only makes things worse.
 
There is a book called Waking Up Alive by Richard Heckler. Available used on Amazon.

You should read it. I think you would identify with some of the stories it contains. It's a quick read.

Please stay alive at least until you have read it. I'm glad that life gave you another chance this time. Please take it. <3
 
There's actually a website with quite a few of the stories on there. I found it after my last "incident" and yes, there's no other way to explain it than "waking up alive".

This time wasn't actually as bad as last time; I was awake for several hrs whilst ventilated last time. Very strange experience.
 
Jm- I went through an attempt with my daughter. She posted something and someone she barely knew called 911 well after she was out cold.

She won't talk about how it felt and she was very incoherent for a couple of days which is why I read the book. I've also seen the website which is unrelated to the book. The book goes into much more detail which was helpful for me in my quest to understand why and helped me get over some of my feelings about it.

I still feel like I have a mild form of ptsd from the incident followed by 3 days in ICU. I mean, I know I do. And that is some of why I'm here.

You said you intended for your boyfriend to find you. My daughter laid down and went to sleep next to her sister. I hope you can get some help, and I mean that in the kindest way.
 
Trust me, I've been begging for help. It isn't as forthcoming in my area as my family would hope. They went as far as to ask for me to be hospitalised so they could leave the house and I know I'm safe. The mental health service acted as though it was a naive request.

I can't shed light on how she felt but, I would go as far as saying I know why I can't discuss it with those closest to me. I've really struggled each time with the way my actions effects everyone else around me. I have a lot of guilt and shame associated with it. I don't think I'd be able to hold it together if my boyfriend, etc divulged everything that happened and how they felt. I've read the text message correspondence from that night, I wish I hadn't.

It's much easier for me to justify my action whilst being self-centred. Thinking about how traumatic it was for them makes it harder to live with myself.. It doesn't feel like a healthy coping mechanism, but 1 hour at a time for now.

I hope you and your family are recovering together.
 
I just read your other posts about chaotic episode.

I'm sorry you have to live with this condition, whatever it is and I hope your doctors can figure out how to help you. It sounds like you and your family have been through a lot. I hope they can stay strong and keep supporting you.

From the support perspective I can say that it's much easier to hang in there with someone if I at least get some communication about what's going on with them, how they are feeling, and I mean on the daily. If I'm cut off from that communication I can only think the worst and that part makes me engage in negative behaviors to myself and others.

You need that support system and they need you. It sounds like you are really trying hard to get some stability. Please don't give up <3
 
Thanks you Sliceofcake. My mum and I are very close, and for some reason my boyfriend stays with me despite nearly watching me die twice (I know it cause he loves me). I have a few really close friends as well.

I actually have an appointment today with the access and assessment team to discuss my risk and need. My mum is coming with me. My friends and family all think going into hospital for treatment would be best for me. I agree I'm not safe in my own company, and neither attempt have been planned. So I don't know how I'll keep myself safe.

Thank you for your insights n supportive words.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top