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TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

drscience said:
fuck it just seems harder and harder to find reasons to stay alive
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Any way you can get out by yourself in nature for a bit? I find it to be a good reset for my perspective--especially when your reasons for staying alive all are coming from only the human paradigm.
Much love.
 
For any one really considering suicide, I have been there myself, only a month ago I was putting some real thought into loading my .22 rifle up with a hollow point bullet, putting the gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. Today I can truly say that I am happy as hell that I chose to give it just a few more months because in the last 2 weeks I went from feeling like nothing ever changes to witnessing my life do a 180 and would of never believed it myself. To start, my dad who I didn't talk to for over 6 years came back into my life now 9 months sober from a bad alcohol problem and actually now is trying to help fix our past too. Now today to top it all off, an amazing, beautiful girl that I've had a crush on for about 10 years or so just became my girlfriend, she's the only girlfriend or even girl that I've been with in any way physically in close to 2.5 years too. I thought I'd share this because I've posted on this thread before in the last year and I get how it feels to have given up hope. I've spent the last 9 years fighting a huge depression problem, low self esteem and many problems with drugs and alcohol and now I'm falling apart in my 20's, my teeth are eventually going to need to be removed one by one as they start to break away over time, my veins will never work good again and the scars on my arms are disgusting. I chose to accept a fate of letting my self esteem rule my world, too scared of rejection because I already rejected myself, I assumed others would too so I stopped even trying to meet a girl, I had tried talking to my dad before too but he was still drinking and he never cared so again, I gave up hope. It's great that I waited on killing myself because I never could of predicted anything would get better but it did and I'm not special, meaning that if you're thinking about committing suicide, just try to wait as long as possible because shit really can change for the better in just a flash. I still know that shit with my dad could go badly and the relationship I have could end whenever but it gives me personally some hope, I'm going to apply for some jobs now and do my part in making life changes because I really hope this is it, I cant go on living how I was before and I hope that this can be my turn around in life. Next I plan on taking care of my IV bupe addiction too, that's been something that I need to stop lying about to the people I love about.

Thanks to all the helpful people in this thread who have given me advice and help through the bad times so I could be alive for the good and I hope that somebody somewhere here on BL can benefit from this story and hang on in life as long as they can!
 
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i will never call a help hotline for help. I don't know any people who tell me good things about the suicide hotlines they have used, and that's why I would never use one. Most people are, to be honest, dumber than me and I wouldn't expect to get an intelligent one on a hotline. I have heard they just hand you the stock quotes they have been given by someone else, that have little to say that we don't already know. It takes a pretty special person to be able to say the right thing, and from what i have been told by friends of mine, they are NEVER there on the other end of the phone. Anyone out there have a different experience? Because I am angry and FURIOUS at how depressed I have been and sure as hell wouldn't want to unleash my wrath on a phone call.
 
I have never called a hotline but I guess calling a friend or family member would be more comforting than calling a stranger who doesn't know you. If you have no one to call or don't want to share with someone you know, a hotline would surely be more helpful than doing nothing.

This thread is here to provide support to suicidal people. Simply posting about your issues can provide relief.

Good luck :)
 
Have battled with depression for many years now. Hitting another low rock bottom time at the moment.
Not happy with the world but mostly myself, I find it hard to live with myself, head feels likes it's going to either explode or fly away. I have a hard cold lump feeling in my chest and throat, as well as an incredible feeling of guilt even though I have been told I have done nothing wrong.
so tired of my roller coaster ride.
Where's the exit? :(
 
^I'm sorry that life inside your head feels so bleak, bluehope. If talking to someone would ever help, I'm available by PM.Autumn seems a particularly hard time to go back down into the depths.<3
 
I know I'll get through its just hard. Even harder realizing that even when I do pull through this stuff it will always pop up over my life.
It's like having some growth or cancer in my head that keeps trying to eat at my soul and heart.
Gp has already increased my meds and I have learnt all the cbt strategies. I have seen many psyc specialists but knowing how to cope with something doesnt make the feelings any easier to go through.
I love my partner dearly but he has no idea when it comes to my depression, difficult for him to see things from my end.
So im left with no one to talk with unless I burden my friends been there before. Never again.
 
im so tired of everything, I know im a complete waste of space, Its so stupid i realy dont like most people. the only reason i keep going is someday i hope to have my own aprtment with couple cats. ill probably never get there though.
 
^Myself, I only know joy when I feel it, calm when I feel it, serenity when I feel it--happiness? I don't know how to define it other than by all the other emotions that share my body and mind with it. It's hard to pin down by itself. Sometimes getting praise makes me happy but other times it makes me uncomfortable. Love can make you happy or miserable. It seems that the way to understand happiness is just the same as we understand unhappiness: as something that exists in moments that we can be grateful for, simply because we feel.

@glitter_kiss: your own apartment with two healthy cats is how I am going to picture you from now on. It's a worthy goal and a peaceful image and I hope with all my heart that you get to live it.<3
 
subutex_junkie said:
For any one really considering suicide, I have been there myself, only a month ago I was putting some real thought into loading my .22 rifle up with a hollow point bullet, putting the gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. Today I can truly say that I am happy as hell that I chose to give it just a few more months because in the last 2 weeks I went from feeling like nothing ever changes to witnessing my life do a 180 and would of never believed it myself. To start, my dad who I didn't talk to for over 6 years came back into my life now 9 months sober from a bad alcohol problem and actually now is trying to help fix our past too. Now today to top it all off, an amazing, beautiful girl that I've had a crush on for about 10 years or so just became my girlfriend, she's the only girlfriend or even girl that I've been with in any way physically in close to 2.5 years too. I thought I'd share this because I've posted on this thread before in the last year and I get how it feels to have given up hope. I've spent the last 9 years fighting a huge depression problem, low self esteem and many problems with drugs and alcohol and now I'm falling apart in my 20's, my teeth are eventually going to need to be removed one by one as they start to break away over time, my veins will never work good again and the scars on my arms are disgusting. I chose to accept a fate of letting my self esteem rule my world, too scared of rejection because I already rejected myself, I assumed others would too so I stopped even trying to meet a girl, I had tried talking to my dad before too but he was still drinking and he never cared so again, I gave up hope. It's great that I waited on killing myself because I never could of predicted anything would get better but it did and I'm not special, meaning that if you're thinking about committing suicide, just try to wait as long as possible because shit really can change for the better in just a flash. I still know that shit with my dad could go badly and the relationship I have could end whenever but it gives me personally some hope, I'm going to apply for some jobs now and do my part in making life changes because I really hope this is it, I cant go on living how I was before and I hope that this can be my turn around in life. Next I plan on taking care of my IV bupe addiction too, that's been something that I need to stop lying about to the people I love about.

Thanks to all the helpful people in this thread who have given me advice and help through the bad times so I could be alive for the good and I hope that somebody somewhere here on BL can benefit from this story and hang on in life as long as they can!
Click to expand...
You sure made the right choice... not that I'm saying there is no reason to commit suicide. Some people have valid reasons... but a 22 is NOT powerful and could have turned you into a veggi rather than a dead person. Wrong gun! Right decision.
 
bluehope84 said:
Have battled with depression for many years now. Hitting another low rock bottom time at the moment.
Not happy with the world but mostly myself, I find it hard to live with myself, head feels likes it's going to either explode or fly away. I have a hard cold lump feeling in my chest and throat, as well as an incredible feeling of guilt even though I have been told I have done nothing wrong.
so tired of my roller coaster ride.
Where's the exit? :(
Click to expand...
I used to feel that guilt as well...it was replaced by apathy long ago. I don't know how. I don't know when. But it happened. I can tell you, I still struggle with suicidal thoughts but apathy is much easier than guilt so stay STRONG as can be and there may be a conversion for you. I'm being realistic. Not telling you that everything is going to be flowers and chocolate cake. Though, I think we all agree those 2 things rock.
 
herbavore said:
Any way you can get out by yourself in nature for a bit? I find it to be a good reset for my perspective--especially when your reasons for staying alive all are coming from only the human paradigm.
Much love.
Click to expand...
Totally agree...sometimes something as simple as a bright male cardinal keeps my withdrawal/PAWS away for just a moment and you sink your fangs into those moments,
 
I have struggled with depression for most of my life. I've attempted suicide two times and I'm always being told to go and kill myself. I think about it all the time. I currently want to kill myself but I can't bring myself to do it because of my little brother. I'd do anything to make everybody happy and just be gone.
 
I'm sorry to hear of that steph. Don't listen to poisonous people. I have a light that keeps me in this world as well.
 
Been thinking about taking the entire bottle of BP pills and hope it does the job. Tried to OD twice before. First time at 13, took half a bottle of pills, don't remember what it was. Something my mother had in the cabinet. Second time was last year. Tried to snort as much meth as i could. That wasn't pretty.. The next day i spent my entire check on a few 8 balls and was gonna parachute it all but a friend called me right when i was starting to take them. He talked me out of it and stayed up on the phone with me till 4 or 5 am. We don't talk anymore. I've pushed him away along with some other people. They shouldn't have to be burdened by somebody like me.

I really wish i was never born. I've been depressed since i was 11. That's when i realized i wasn't like the other kids and began to hate myself. The bullying didn't get bad till i was 13 and that's why i did it the first time. I cut my legs for many years but never told anyone cause they'll just say it was for attention. That's why i did it on my legs.

I carry a lot of resentment towards my parents for making me this way. My mind is so fucked up because of them. i still hate myself and i think i always will. I've been told countless of times that it's gonna get better but it's gonna be 10 years this upcoming January that i have been waiting and the only thing that makes me feel better is meth.

I live this double life and it kills me. I'm trying to be a good daughter. I get good grades, that's all my mothercares about. Well, I'm graduating on Tuesday next week and all i can think about is my stash that's hidden in my room. I've had all my mirrors covered with towels because i want to cry when i look at myself. I've seen 2 shrinks but both times i end up pretending to be fine after a few weeks because i know they'll never be able to fix me and they could be helping someone else that needs them more than me instead. I haven't cut in about 2 years and i really want to crack. I'm probably just gonna get high instead though, it's what i do when i want to cut.

I envy the kids that die the first time they do drugs.
 
Brody5150 said:
Been thinking about taking the entire bottle of BP pills and hope it does the job. Tried to OD twice before. First time at 13, took half a bottle of pills, don't remember what it was. Something my mother had in the cabinet. Second time was last year. Tried to snort as much meth as i could. That wasn't pretty.. The next day i spent my entire check on a few 8 balls and was gonna parachute it all but a friend called me right when i was starting to take them. He talked me out of it and stayed up on the phone with me till 4 or 5 am. We don't talk anymore. I've pushed him away along with some other people. They shouldn't have to be burdened by somebody like me.

I really wish i was never born. I've been depressed since i was 11. That's when i realized i wasn't like the other kids and began to hate myself. The bullying didn't get bad till i was 13 and that's why i did it the first time. I cut my legs for many years but never told anyone cause they'll just say it was for attention. That's why i did it on my legs.

I carry a lot of resentment towards my parents for making me this way. My mind is so fucked up because of them. i still hate myself and i think i always will. I've been told countless of times that it's gonna get better but it's gonna be 10 years this upcoming January that i have been waiting and the only thing that makes me feel better is meth.

I live this double life and it kills me. I'm trying to be a good daughter. I get good grades, that's all my mothercares about. Well, I'm graduating on Tuesday next week and all i can think about is my stash that's hidden in my room. I've had all my mirrors covered with towels because i want to cry when i look at myself. I've seen 2 shrinks but both times i end up pretending to be fine after a few weeks because i know they'll never be able to fix me and they could be helping someone else that needs them more than me instead. I haven't cut in about 2 years and i really want to crack. I'm probably just gonna get high instead though, it's what i do when i want to cut.

I envy the kids that die the first time they do drugs.
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I´m sorry to hear that, however, ..
Even if you take 2 bottles there is always a chance you could wake up in a hospital handicapped or speechless.
Mental damages. You can never be sure.
I have seen many cases like that. By many I mean more than 10!
It´s a wild shot. Besides what guarantees you have that you will be better off in a dark place or worse?
Envy the kids that die with overdose?? Think of their parents.. besides they wouldn´t have done on purpose.
You never know what´s on the other side!! Nothing to do with religion...
 
Erikmen said:
I´m sorry to hear that, however, ..
Even if you take 2 bottles there is always a chance you could wake up in a hospital handicapped or speechless.
Mental damages. You can never be sure.
I have seen many cases like that. By many I mean more than 10!
It´s a wild shot. Besides what guarantees you have that you will be better off in a dark place or worse?
Envy the kids that die with overdose?? Think of their parents.. besides they wouldn´t have done on purpose.
You never know what´s on the other side!! Nothing to do with religion...
Click to expand...

The brain damage is the only thing that scares me. My body is really fucking strong and i hate that. I've put it through so much and it's still going.

Yeah i feel bad for their parents but my parents fucked me up and made me this way. Sure there's a point where i grew up and started to know better but i already had my bad habits developed and it's a part of me now.

I'm not religious though i am spiritual. I'm not afraid of what's on the other side cause I'm a good person.
 
However, you should consider that you may not get to the other side.
Instead stay with us mortals, would you bare come back half way.
For ever hurt, so to speak?
It happens, I truly say this for the best!!
 
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