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Recovery August recovery thread

jb thanks man. i can't look for a new housemate i've got a year long lease and don't really wanna risk ending up living with someone who uses a lot of drugs.

i'm feeling much better about it today. i still haven't spoken to her and i need to. she's a good person just not thinking beyond the end of her nose sometimes. i've been really low this past week so i think i'm projecting onto her. that said, there are also some genuine issues. i was gonna discuss them with her tonight and make her dinner but she wasn't in. we'd arranged it last night. i feel a bit hurt by that.

cj what a cunt!! hope you're not injured.

how is everyone doing today?
 
Living with others can be hard no matter what, there's always something they do that irks you right.

I'm on day 10 but am a bit of a zombie today. I'd slept fine since the 2nd night with my 100mg seroquel, but last night I had restless arm/finger syndrome in my left arm, it was a bitch, never had anything quite like that. I've had restless toes before but not fingers.

I dunno if it's PAWS or withdrawals from the Suboxone or what, because I hadn't experienced any other withdrawal symptoms for a few days.

So I was up until 3:30am last night, it was pretty miserable, and i took extra Seroquel and trazodone to knock myself out, which is risky and was prob a mistake.

But, I woke up, and I haven't drank or used, so I should be okay, knock on wood.
 
I am so ducking sore today ugh. But I threw away the 14bdo today. It's just not worth fucking my liver up over such a dirty high. I just want to get out of this bs sober housecand start smoking weed and eating benzos. It'll be much better for my health
 
It’s been about 120 hours since my last kratom dose. Finally starting to have some natural energy and an ok mood. Still having crying spells here and there. Smoking weed doesn’t seem to help much anymore
 
cj said:
I am so ducking sore today ugh. But I threw away the 14bdo today. It's just not worth fucking my liver up over such a dirty high. I just want to get out of this bs sober housecand start smoking weed and eating benzos. It'll be much better for my health
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I'm proud of you man.

You might be the *only person ever* to post about throwing drugs away in rehab/half-way/wherever. You're my hero.

Try to not do the benzos though I remember how bad you had it with them but totally weed away ;) either way I know you'll be better off in a while man. Take this time to work on yourself and it'll pay off big time - it already is! Even if you don't feel that way.

Too bad you don't have a friend to give you a long massage.
 
DoctorMolecule said:
It’s been about 120 hours since my last kratom dose. Finally starting to have some natural energy and an ok mood. Still having crying spells here and there. Smoking weed doesn’t seem to help much anymore
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That's interesting, cannabis helped w/ every drug withdrawal I had (aside from brain zaps related to sertraline hcl withdrawal that was either happening or it wasn't, it was so fucking terrible) and almost every symptom. The crying may not be affected (I cry so much I probably never "try" to stop crying from getting baked?) or it might just go away with time.

Stay strong, save the pot for the next day or when you wake up or if you can't get to sleep, etc. and it should still work for the other symptoms even if you're crying a lot. It's OK. I cried quite a bit last night. And at one point it wasn't helping, and I kept crying and then I felt the point where it was like letting go of sadness and then toward the end it felt great to cry just for the tactile sensation and eventually was happy again. Psychedelics are intense like that but either way it's OK, I'd probably be crying too (drug withdrawal always has me crying involuntarily especially opiates/cannabis withdrawal) and you're not alone.
 
iam so depressed today. i doubt if xanax is even going to work. i hate people on this earth. i hate everybody. this planet couldnt be nicer than a piece of shit in diarrhea if it tried. i wish i would have never existed here EVER. i HATE this place FOREVER.
 
Hylight said:
iam so depressed today. i doubt if xanax is even going to work. i hate people on this earth. i hate everybody. this planet couldnt be nicer than a piece of shit in diarrhea if it tried. i wish i would have never existed here EVER. i HATE this place FOREVER.
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i know that feeling SO WELL it's going to be ok

played CS:GO with a cool BL friend and we did alright, it was really fun. Video games are like the only thing that went well today other than *hopefully* enjoying food later w/ pizza

I slept in *so much* after my trip hylight like 18 hours EIGHTEEN.... and then I woke up, and slept another 4. Holy shit. I was going to make coffee but somehow that would probably not work (if 22 hours doesn't do it... and I know they say 'too much sleep makes you tired' not after tripping...it's like the sleep is totally necessary)

most of the time I feel the same way hylight. If I wasn't going to eat a pizza and have some beers I'd probably still be feeling that way. Tripping last night helped me emotionally reprogram myself away from negative emotions. Mostly regarding myself not others but it's kind of one and the same.

I have had many break through experiences and I've many times discovered *anything* or *almost* anything in other people I don't like = is something I don't like about myself. And when I analyzed my own behavior/thought patterns I could identify it and change it. Anything I still don't like is either personal preference or whatever and I can live with it. People are really nice to me in real life, probably because I live in a liberal society and also marijuana is legal so people are baked and not all stressed out? I can't guess more than that. There's lots of stress in my city and people still treat me with dignity in the middle of stress and you can tell when their face says "I want to scream and yell" but they keep it together, it's amazing. So many amazing people in LA and I would reach out and hug them all if it'd help. Mostly if I'm like that I want my space LOL!!!!

So here's to an E-hug you probably don't want hylight <3 <3 <3 feel better soon ok?
 
OH now I remember why I slept in so long, I couldn't get to sleep and was on the tail end of the trip so I took a bar, and then 1mg and kava into it, because 2mg was "nice" but didn't get me to sleep, and I passed out *forever* like... maybe a day and a half? I don't remember a lot about this week *lol*

if xanax helps, it's there. If not save it for the next day and it'll help then (that's why I'm glad I take days off it so that when I need it it really WORKS). I'm sure xanax would work better if I took it a bit more regularly (because of my type of PTSD issues and the way my body responds to it), so talk to your doctor if you are not sure the best way to use it. You probably already do especially if you aren't addicted and can manage its use responsibly.

If it doesn't, try food, sleep, a warm shower, patience and understanding with yourself go a long way (I will get so aggravated at myself I sometimes just take a deep breath and a few steps back and sit down and think about other stuff).
 
I'm having a few beers and some pizza. I would just have half a bar of xanax but I am saving it for medicinal needs. I tend to tolerate a few beers with a meal well like a normal person otherwise I'd avoid alcohol (seeing what it did to my best friend and all).

I still walk down the alcohol aisle sometimes and stare at the product that killed him. Not like it's the manufacturer's fault. I just need to remember THAT RIGHT THERE DID IT. As if I'll ever forget...

By the way I've never seen another living person pick up that specific product either. It's like reserved just for the severe alcoholics who are destined to drink to death.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
By the way I've never seen another living person pick up that specific product either. It's like reserved just for the severe alcoholics who are destined to drink to death.
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Cheap vodka or malt liquor? Sorry, just curious because I know both all too well.
 
What a dick, hope you're ok cj.

xo Ash.

cj said:
I got run over at work by some asshole on a bicycle. Dude hit me full speed. I flew back a couple feet and he landed on top of me basically. Shit hurt. Then he had the nerve to call the hotel and say I assaulted him. The manager was just like "that's not the story I heard". I hate people
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stomach hurt and all tight and closed up.
mm and xanax is the only thing that helps me Want to eat. if i stay on the sugar i will start turning into diabetes insulin imbalance. oh i am nodding out now.

edit: thank you for the encouragement to hang on and i will. . . . but it hurts too ☺??.
need ?
 
Still trucking along. 4 days free from kratom. Although the withdrawal isn't that bad at the amount, time frame and frequency I used the substance as a crutch, it is still not pleasant but I honestly did feel worse on the stuff. It has quick diminishing returns and being that it has a ceiling and I am a long time opiate addict I was quick to get to a point were I only felt the negatives of use. For some reason when I am using anything opiate related I completely loose the ability to sleep. I literally have to be nodding high for that part of my brain to work. It has been this way for sometime and it just continues to get worse. Definitely past time to let go forever, what no longer serves a purpose. Too much anxious apathy(If that makes sense) anyways with a dirty head buzz.

I'm using copious amounts of kava since I got some yesterday and I smoked a little pot but I am quickly getting to the point, where no substances sound appealing. I had to wipe phenibut off my list of approved substances that I can partake. Last few times I binged for several days with the ever present diminishing returns and horrible rebound anxiety. I'm too old for these back and forth bends.

I'm basically at the point where the only substances I have left that I would ever allow myself to take are pot(rarely), shrooms, LSD(very helpful in initiating this latest push and improving mood but both rarely), kava to relax when I am anxious and coffee. I am also keenly aware that these substances do also have negative effects when used as a replacement for healthy coping skills. I have to get out and put in the work. Unfortunately withdrawing from an opiate like substance has a way of depleting natural energy so I have to be patient with my progress. It is definitely a form of acceptance, especially for those of us who have used substances as a misguided attempt at performance enhancement for years but from experience I know it gets better.

I'm at that awkward stage of not really withdrawing but feeling cracked out from no sleep and I am fixating on the internet too much because I haven't found the motivation to go out and face the real world unless I have too. I Looked for a job and went to take my drug test but my anxiety was definitely palpable and if I didn't have so much experience dealing with such things I would have been having strong cravings. This is only going to get better when I drag my anhedonic ass outside and slowly reprogram it to experience normal pleasures and deal with let downs and anxieties in a healthy manner. One day at a time...
 
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