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Recovery August recovery thread

somni it sounds like you're doing a good job. its so frustrating knowing all the stuff we have to do in theory but just not being able to apply it.

i wouldn't worry about twatting about on the internet and having no motivation when you're still rattling. just let your body rest. i have never once been glad i pulled my arse in gear and went out to do something on a rattle, even on the very tail end. give yourself time. i don't know about you but i'm so braindead when i'm in withdrawals that i don't really find sitting around boring. by the time i'm awake enough to be bored i'm physically ok enough to venture out. i know people say to exercise to get some natural endorphins but i've never known how anyone can do that at all til you're out of the woods.

it will get better!!

i'm OK, meh. had my first argument with my housemate the other night. it wasn't too bad but i actually contemplated hitting her and did grab her and fuck could have got myself in trouble. we both apologised straight away.
 
I just found out my liver is really fucked. Man finding out your going to die much sooner then you thought from a letter in the mail is a really shit thing. I don't understand how the hep c has effected me so rapidly. It's crazy. The doctor last year said I had years to figure this out. Fuck....
 
cj said:
I just found out my liver is really fucked. Man finding out your going to die much sooner then you thought from a letter in the mail is a really shit thing. I don't understand how the hep c has effected me so rapidly. It's crazy. The doctor last year said I had years to figure this out. Fuck....
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Damn dude! That's rough. I don't even want to know but the fact is I'm right there with you. I got information on a company that covers the treatment.

I'm not doing the best at the moment because I feel rather unmotivated and run down and I have been prone to rumonation(not always a bad thing). I'm extremely bored and detached. My situation is right now is causing me to isolate. I hope everyone else is doing well?
 
fuck cj that's awful. and through a letter sucks massively. you've been doing so well despite things being so difficult, what a slap in the face.

hand in there omni don't beat yourself up. rumination occupied a lot of my time for probably the 1st 6 months of recovery!! there's a lot to ruminate on that's not pleasant in those early days too...
 
I'm definitely hanging in there. Going back won't solve anything. Picked up a little work the next couple of days helping a nursery clear in preparation for the storms. A part of me doesn't want to have the responsibility but I know I need to get up get out and do something. I can't sit around doing nothing. The boredom and lack of purpose is killing me.

I've been watching locked up abroad all day. A lot of the stories are redemptive. These people end up in unbelievable situations and face overwhelming catastrophe because of their own actions but most of them overcome. There is always a moment of epiphany where they accept their circumstances and make the best of it through purpose... Beautiful stuff.

It makes me think back to my trip to Medellin and a run in I had with Columbian federales, while buying cocaine off a prostitute. I was so stupid and could have easily ended up in a Columbian prison. All the cop cars had Bogatta plates and a truck with soldiers with machine guns pulled up and I dipped down an alley and out the back of this pool hall. I stashed the stuff and wondered the streets, while continually seeing the same Bogata vehicles taking turns rotating to the end of each street I walked down. I wound up running through a parking garage underneath the building and into the back of my hotel. It really scared the shit out of me but a sick part of me enjoyed the rush.

The area I was in had soldiers and camaras everywhere. The first time I was there they didn't seem to mind all the open activity. Something had changed the second time.

The day before all this happened I watched them wheel out another gringo foreigner from one of the rent rooms on a stretcher. None of this stuff stopped me from coming back to cop several times a day untill the day I left. All part of the insanity.

They tore my luggage apart when I reentered the States in Miami. My shoe had this weird little compartment in the heel that really freaked me out when they found it. I knew there wasn't anything in there but it made me pause for a minute and think.

The stupid shit we do for drugs.
 
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argh living with someone else is bringing out the worst in me. i.e. wanting to lie and manipulate. i’ve just moved my cat into my place and it was the cause of the argument where i grabbed my housemate and nearly twatted her. she wants the burglar alarm on. i’m not sure the cat won’t set it off. i’ve said i’ll try to test it.

thing is, she didn’t even know there was an alarm til she moved in so it wasn’t a priority for her. i said i wanted my cat from the start. i’ll do the burglar alarm test but it won’t be comprehensive so i still wouldn’t be confident. so even if it doesn’t go off if i get her to run past the sensor when it goes on, i’m considering saying it did. burglar alarms are not much of a deterrent. across the street is houses with new double glazing and no alarm. no one ever calls the police if there’s an alarm. they will call the council who will break in if its going off to switch it off. at which point the alarm is off and the front door is broken down. so it seems pointless. i’m thinking about just telling her it went off to try and end this argument.

she was saying to my parents the other day how she was ok with the cat scratching the sofa cos it’s already got scratches from other cats. then she texted me this morning to ask me to get a scratching post, which she wouldn’t use, cos the cats been scratching the sofa.

i just don’t want to be arguing with her. i’m already considering taking the cat back to my parents, but i’d be heartroken. or trying to find a place on my own where i can have the cat, but i think being on my own is dangerous and financially it would make things difficult. i know she doesn’t want me to leave and find another tenant for my room, cos they will likely drink which would be a trigger for her. is it being manipulative to say outright that i’d leave if i can’t have my cat and not feel guilty about it when i’d said all along i was bringing an animal into the house?
 
I hear you @somnilicious, the only substances I can handle are a very low dose of antidepressant and sleep aid, and caffiene. I've developed a taste for high end coffee and tea over the years, so it's an enjoyable hobby in sobriety. I can't handle pot without going to alcohol and harder drugs, I've tried many times.

This may sound ridiculous too but as an alcohol/drug dependent even Kombucha has been tricky for me. Every 10th bottle or so would give me mild buzz, and then I'd start drinking like 3 bottles a day seeking that buzz.

Onces I was working somewhere that had Kombucha on tap out of kegs, and the source was experimenting with overtly alcoholic Kombucha, and one day we got a batch unknowingly that must have been 2-4% alcohol, and it got me drunk enough that I went clubbing that night and binged for a week. And then last year I had 8 months sober, had no plans of drinking/using, but I went to whole foods to buy Kombucha and there was this new GT's 3% alcohol Kombucha beer with the same packaging, and I just impulse bought it, and within 2 weeks I was full blown alcoholic again, within a month I was doing crystal meth again, and then I was homeless in NYC. Fuck.

So tldr I have to be very careful with anything with remote potential for intoxication. Pain meds I've taken as prescribed a few times when injured but even there I'd have to be cautious.
 
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@chinup... Sorry your still dealing with the roommate situation. It don't think there is anything wrong with ultimatum, especially since it was a pre move in condition.

@cj Try not to stress your liver readings. I'm in the exact same spot. I couldn't even get the vivitrol shot because it made my enzymes go through the roof. I get jaundice every now and then because I'm an idiot that can't keep substances out of his body. You still have a long life and time to get the Hep C taken care of.

@jb99 Damn that is a quick fall. I'm glad I don't really like alcohol(fucked liver helps). I truly feel it's one of the worst substances. I'm afraid my dad is falling victim to it. He never drank when I was younger but now he drinks a couple of drinks everyday. With his age even the moderate drinking shows it's wear.

Today was rough. Did my good deed labor work and earned a couple of bucks. I gotta admit that without kratom it was very hard to motivate and my mood oscillated a lot, while I was doing the mind numbing, brain dead work. I need a job that requires my attention or my mind works me over all day long. I leave more exhausted than I would at a job where I'm exerting myself.

I'm actually really sore and my addict brain is telling me that I need/deserve kratom but that's bullshit. It doesn't help and I know it's actually causing the pain. Things will get better. I don't have to be a tiptop at 5 days post kratom. I just have to be patient and resolute.
 
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somnilicious said:
@jb99 Damn that is a quick fall.
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Yeah I quickly revert to beast mode when I've relapsed. I haven't been able to hold a job or apartment while not sober for 12 years.

On the other hand when I've been sober I've done things like make 25,000% profit in a week from an obscure crypto arbitrage, win a major university's first-year hackathon competition after coding for only 12 months, raise a child to age 4, etc...

I'mgging just illustrating the contrast. I got it bad which is why I found this subforum- I need abstinence.
 
somnilicious said:
You too❤. Sometimes it helps to get a virtual Pat on the back. Everybody needs somebody, sometimes.
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seems like i am not getting some of my notes.
oh i hate this universe, just kidding bc i am trying not too.

so delayed thank you
that's appreciated so i think the darn universe needs a Pat on the back or a kick in the boot.
nice always having to try to stay alive in it.
yes ! thank you for the make the universe well again, eww and that can sure feel really great.
 
@jb99 totally get it though I usually work my way up to chaos over a year or so. I want to drop all substances but im working my way there. I'm very familiar with recovery andddd Relapse...
 
Hylight said:
seems like i am not getting some of my notes.
oh i hate this universe, just kidding bc i am trying not too.

so delayed thank you
that's appreciated so i think the darn universe needs a Pat on the back or a kick in the boot.
nice always having to try to stay alive in it.
yes ! thank you for the make the universe well again, eww and that can sure feel really great.
Click to expand...

The universe can be a very beautiful thing when we let go and just enjoy. I don't know. I'm still working ng it out but I've seen good days and bad days. I'm still holding on and waiting for the tables to turn.
 
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