I leave on Tuesday and these past two weeks have been ridiculous with anxiety. I've always battled anxiety and it used to be so much worse when I was younger that I forget sometimes how much a part of me it still is. Every possible horror that could befall me, I imagine in great detail over and over. My mind obsesses. I have gotten better at standing off to the side of that part of myself and saying, "All right, then, go for it! Get it out of your system." Still, it is exhausting.
I have gotten my pack down to just a little over 30 lbs which at my age, with my back, is about as heavy as I can manage. I have never set out for quite this long with a pack that I have to carry around. I went to Costa Rica 25 years ago for three months but I rented a shack (for $6.00 a month!) so I didn't need to pack and unpack all the time. That was also tropical so I practically lived in a bathing suit whereas in Ecuador I will be in the heat in the jungle and cold in the Andes so I have to cover all bases.
I am getting excited about my lack of a plan. I feel like it will be so refreshing and rejuvenating to have to live without routine, without familiarity and yet to be called upon to find a way to survive. I can't really imagine what I will find which for an anxious mind is not comfortable but then, that's what I wanted I keep telling myself.
I have gotten my pack down to just a little over 30 lbs which at my age, with my back, is about as heavy as I can manage. I have never set out for quite this long with a pack that I have to carry around. I went to Costa Rica 25 years ago for three months but I rented a shack (for $6.00 a month!) so I didn't need to pack and unpack all the time. That was also tropical so I practically lived in a bathing suit whereas in Ecuador I will be in the heat in the jungle and cold in the Andes so I have to cover all bases.
I am getting excited about my lack of a plan. I feel like it will be so refreshing and rejuvenating to have to live without routine, without familiarity and yet to be called upon to find a way to survive. I can't really imagine what I will find which for an anxious mind is not comfortable but then, that's what I wanted I keep telling myself.
