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im not breaking any rules

Ive been getting out of control again. This weekend was particularly bad. Tons of beer, popped vics, percs, and adivan. Also smoked crack one night. This all goes along with smoking weed all day. I managed to stop yesterday, cept for the weed. I feel like shit both mentally and physically. I'm too old and this 5 day bender was way too much.

Just had to type this out to actually read what I did over the last days for my own personal use I guess....lol.

Well this is really fun, almost like a video game. Chomping ghosts till i hit that 10,000 mark. Of course facebook prepared for this, my previous notion of writing up a simple script to automate the adding of 'people i may know' was desolved when that little pop-up came up asking me to re-type some scrambled mess of letters with ink splatters on them. Fuck, i thought.. Was i to do it all manualy?

Well i rummaged through my drawer and found my 9999 count click ticker, If i where to do this the hard way, it would be done right, statistics, charts and all. What the fuck am i doing here anyway? Wasting time. Might as well put 100% in and see where it goes. If nothing else, at least it was a good time.

100 friends. Doubled up in barely 3 hours.. Bit of math and if theres some way around or even to time the spam block FB has on requested friends.. 10,000 in a month is not far-fetched at all..

Holy fuck.

So I have begun what might be called a social experiment. It all started for the sake of personal amusement but seems like there might be a good story in it. I was reluctant to get a facebook account to begin with, weather it was the fact that i hated trends or just my desire to not be like every other asshole, whatever it was didnt last long. I swallowed my pride and signed up. Several years later I am up to around 50 friends, all of them being people I have actually interacted with, people i know personaly. Never was I the type to connect with strangers who have have not and may not ever meet.

Fuck it.

One drunken night i decided what I would do is i would pretend i was one of those deaf-mutes. No.. Back to the point.. Why not add everyone? So many of my friends shamelessly invite people they have no connection with to skim through theyre personal information, history, family and all this without a second thought.

Being single, drunk and very bored, I sent a 'friend request' to this cute girl that 'I may know', Why not? She accepts.. never met her, no connections.. Accepted friend request.. Thought to myself then, how many of the mult-million users of facebook would add someone as a friend without even a second thought?

Turns out quite alot, she was #50 of my facebook friends, the only one i never had talked to. Why not 100? 2000? 10k?!? Fuck it, lets see what happens.. So thats what i did, just clicking away on the 'people you may know' Request button, Scrolling down the page untill the spam blocker caught up with me and threatened to block off my whole account. Time for a break i thought..

Made a sandwitch and checked out the immigration horror show that is happening in california, maybe an hour passed by? Curious I was and couldnt help but run back to my computer like a 12 year old who just discovered free pornography. 76 friends.. 26 friends in barely more then an hour.. Half the friends that i had accumulated in the 3-4 years of casual Facebook use..

Oh my..

What am I to do? Keep going.. Lets see what happens.

Can one really have 10,000 friends? Without doing any more then clicking the mouse?

Lets see what happens.

Little Red Balloon

May your syringe always be full and your veins blessed with eternal youth!

Over the past few months I've received quite a few emails from people, both junky and non-junky alike, asking a variety of questions about heroin and its use. Questions like:

"I just moved and don't know where to any get heroin. Can you help me score?" (or more commonly, "Can you mail me some?" ::eye roll:

"My friend is a heroin addict and I don't know how to help them. Do heroin addicts ever "get better"? (my quotes, not theirs.)

"I'm a user too, but I'm not very good at cooking up. If I mail you some will you cook it up for me and send it back in the syringe?" (No, I'm not kidding, that was an actual question.)

"I'm new to {insert name of area here} and don't have any friends. I met some people and they offered me heroin. I've been addicted to meth in the past, so I think I could handle it. Do you think I should do it?"

"Do you know where I can get any syringes? I don't live near a needle exchange and my dealer charges too much for them."

"I woke up and had this hole in my arm which is freaking me out. I have read some of your blogs and I think you' re the only one who might know what to do without getting myself into trouble." (he's talking about an abscess)

"I quit heroin a few years ago, but I've recently started using on occasion again. Unfortunately, my veins don't seem to have recovered. It's almost impossible for me to find a vein. I heard IMing causes abscesses, but I know you've mentioned it before. Is it safe to IM black tar?"

Obviously I would never reveal the names of the people who contact me with personal questions. But I thought it would be a good idea to address these topics publicly so that those who have similar questions can benefit as well. If you have any questions regarding heroin, especially if you think others could benefit from it as well, send them to me privately and I'll be happy to answer them - omitting your name of course. If you don't want your question answered publicly, just let me know and be happy to keep your discretion.

I'll be addressing each question individually and archiving them for easy access. So stay tuned! I'll have the first one up in a short while.

☮ ❤ & ♪♫ ♪

D_D

Vein's Angst

When You're Married to H You're Married for Life

I think that's it for today folks. Don't want to blow my wad all at once! ;-)

You might like my new project... online adult themed one-liners, personalize ;-) I could just post boring pre-made graphics that you can find anywhere online. Or.... I could create my own and have some fun with it.

Enjoy Have a favorite sexual joke you want made into a personal graphic? Send it to me.... I'll make a personal one... just for you

I'm not engaged any more, as of like six months ago. I have a new job and my own apartment now. Things are going well, I'm just dealing with a little financial insecurity right now. I'm going to graduate in the fall so there's some anxiety there about what I'll be doing with myself. I did a bit of struggling with my break up, spent some time fucking practically every woman in sight, found a woman I like and nearly blew it with her. Decided to get back on the path I think God wants me on and (mostly) been behaving myself for the last couple months.

July is a big month for me, it will mark 28 years alive, 7 years sober, three years vegetarian. I think I might give up porn now. It sounds kind of weird when I read that back to myself... but I think July has become for me what New Years is to some people. I want to be a better person at 28 than I was at 27. This last year, sex has been a big issue for me. I slept with five women between January and April.

I won't lie, I had fun doing it. But when I inevitably came face to face with the consequences of being so promiscuous I could not deny or rationalize the harm I was doing. I told myself that it was only normal because I was just coming out of a serious relationship. Never mind that I was cheating during that relationship, emotionally and physically.

I don't really regret anything, actually. I wish I had behaved myself more but I firmly believe that things unfold the way they do for a reason. I have had mad experience with what alcoholism and addiction push a person to do and I think it was time for me to experience this arm of my craziness. It wasn't even as destructive as it could have been.

I mean, people get killed over cheating.

Anyway, that bit of turbulence is behind me now. I am looking forward to graduating and getting a career-y job. I'm looking forward to having an apartment I can entertain people at.

I just need a fucking couch.

We'll I was really bored so I decided to go look in the pill cabinet
and I found Lexapro I researched it a little and decided to take 50mgs
and first I felt nothing but then I started to feel a very mild euphoria
until like and hour later I looked straight into my lamp trying to turn it off and then it hit me I felt like really really hot and when I looked at the lamp it was all kalidascopy until I blacked out I don't remember anything else
but the next day I had headaches and terrible diarrhea

DOSAGE
30mgs/50LBS and increase slowly
INFO
Has a bad hangover
and overall sucks
TIPS
Don't take and if you do make sure to have some Imodium

We'll I was really bored so I decided to go look in the pill cabinet
and I found Lexapro I researched it a little and decided to take 50mgs
and first I felt nothing but then I started to feel a very mild euphoria
until like and hour later I looked straight into my lamp trying to turn it off and then it hit me I felt like really really hot and when I looked at the lamp it was all kalidascopy until I blacked out I don't remember anything else
but the next day I had a

I just saw my psychiatrist the other day (the 29th) and he doubled my dose of nortriptyline, and lowered my abilify (which I found out can be worse for bipolar people) down to 5mgs from 10mg, however I just quit it all together because I don't like it. I was also put on Flurazepam (or Dalmane as some call it). It has helped me with sleep incredibly as I'm a horrible insomniac. I usually don't sleep much but this medication makes me want to lay down and try and I have been sleeping since I started using it. Note supposedly 30mgs of flurazepam is equal to 10-15mgs of valium, but I have no idea if this is completely true. I tried taking 60mgs of the flurazepam when I first got it - on top of 4mgs of klonopin and I felt pretty sedated which is odd since I can take 30-50mgs of klonopin alone without feeling a thing Horrible tolerance unfortunately, I've been on benzo's for over 5 years now and I'm only 21 this year, so I started very young. I have GAD and panic attacks though, plus OCD, ADD, and bipolar. So I think I'll be on benzo's the rest of my life like the doctors have told me. Anyway this is a happy post because I'm doing much better than I have been, plus I have stuff to look forward to this week and I'll update on it once I find out what happens. One thing is a personal goal I'm hoping to achieve and the other is I'm waiting to receive my 2c's and new scale! Ahh... I can't wait!

-Andy

well im locked inside a world of one-ways
not a left turn in sight
im a locked inside the world of one-ways
you know two wrongs dont make a right
well i got to get out of this city
before i get all verklempt
well im locked inside a world of one-ways
three rights, they make a left

im not free
no not me
in the city

locked inside the world of construction
orange flashing lights in my face
well im a locked inside the world of construction
trying to give these guys a break
i got to get out of this city
aint no better time than now
cuz im a locked inside the world of construction
and im starting to feel holier than thou

im not free
as far as i can see
in the city

locked inside the world of law-men
undercover uniform too
cuz im a locked inside a world of johnnys
i guess they just got a job to do
its imperative that i disappear
relocate somewhere far from here
its a one-way construction johnny
elevates my fear

im not free
i have a fee
in the city

1. Psychoanalysis
2. Religion
3. Law
---------------------
Prohibition = ♀hanathos

Psychoanalysis

Reality is comedy. The talent that is required in order to laugh is to realize reality is an illusion. Demonstrating the illusion is best done by positioning it as a fiction. The author of the illusion is two hands that simultaneously craft itself. This we call God. God however is insane, and has two temperaments, feminine & masculine. Reading the meta-narrative of God reflects within the reader the nature of God, and the nature of self. If an enemy attacks you in the story and your nature is violent oriented instead of justice oriented then your violent nature puts the right hand in motion as the left hand contemplates. You are always compelled to act reading the story of God, but your actions always reveal your inner nature. Free choice offers you a glimpse at your nature. When there is a Crisis which brings Strife free choice presents the alternative; Love & Stability. This is the comedy, if reality were an illusion then we would have Love & Stability. For it is the powerless who have the keys that drive from Strife to Love. Out of darkness comes light.

Religion

The name of God. God is and can be many things. Of the most useful names She goes by is community, of the worst He goes by money. The power of God is simply unimaginable and infinite. At worst God is self-obsessed which is a kind of Randian notion. At best He is selfless, She sends her only son to be written in history in the greatest comedy known to man. She gives herself to die and be reborn as the Holy Spirit; Community. The Christian notion implies the more power you have the more of yourself you owe to the Spirit of the new epoch. Your epoch is best reflected by the community's Art & Music. Which do we live in now?* Those in power make art driven solely by free choice which I think up until now has been a comedy. Women can't see their own beauty and men have become usurers. Those who have power are often faced with the question of their nature. Are you Christ? Or do you propose that you are God? Power is best viewed as a drug which can best be viewed as a single papaver somniferum flower. Would you use your power to strike down the budding flower to milk the essence of power? If yes you have chosen the mask of God. Or would you let the flower mature and bloom colors that are natural to it? Creating a wealthy canvas through which to exercise your power by which you enable it to grow onto itself, molding it in your image?
This is the Trinity, God sacrificing Son and becoming the Holy Spirit. Having a Kingdom on earth means we must cast out individualism in dire hopes of resolving duality. We must start our heavenly descent from the mountain of Randian thought and enter into the valley of our shadow and choose death. So that we may, "Come to be and pass away disassociating".

Law

1 Timothy 2:12, "I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet." One would assume this law to be a slip of the tongue or at best meant to be comedic. We have now women whom teach, yet there remains this notion. Which is we should not let the feminine traits usurp the masculine. The wise and just should not hold the reigns of dominance and violence. Passiveness therefore should be prohibited, it shouldn't be allowed to infect the multitude. This is what that quote truly means. However the masculine is needed to draw what the left hand contemplates, there needs to be action. A project must come to its conclusion. This is why law is important. It is the barrier between reality and illusion. To transcend a law is to turn the page of history. In all of history the law against marijuana has been obscenely comical. Marijuana has immense creative potential, in its feminine form it becomes the perfect symbol for the Timothy quote;
A silenced female teacher
Yet we prohibit it, in fact make war against it! Showing us our true nature. There is no reason for it to be prohibited, the fact it is prohibited shows us our folly. The facts of marijuana is it's harmless for adults. The penalties of prohibiting it are so vast you would exhaust yourself knowing it was done in your name. It is we the willing and able, politicians, teachers, people of business, police, firemen, lawyers, who must turn the page. For it is we who accept the law as comedy, instead of realizing the true horror of prohibition to be God's own tragedy!

As a Christian lesbian I say to you, comrades, grow laterally.

What's up BL.

So last time I checked in here I had just come out of a brutal detox..well... I started using again. (Shocker I know). Went on a pretty serious bender for months shooting a lot of coke and dope and loosing a lot of people I love.

But, I'm sober now..back on the suboxone finally after having a hellish time transitioning from the dope. So I feel good..psychically..But mentally... I'm lost. It feels like the walls in this city are closing in around me, like I can't breath. I need to get out of here, maybe go out to LA for a while and decompress.. Though my girl's not going to like that.

By the way, my crazy junkie model ex-girlfriend is coming back into town. Needless to say I'm not excited to have to see her and relive all the pain we caused each other while being parasites to one another's lives.

So, right now I want to give the whole city the finger and say "so long fuckers"... But I know I'll be back. I bleed NYC. It's in my veins and it's where I belong, even if sometimes it's the loneliest place in the world.

-Scagnattie

Okay so in the past few days I've moved into a new place, got a raise and a bunch of overtime, got a staff infection, got kicked out of my new place, and now I have to give a two weeks notice at my job hopefully find temporary shelter and move to another state in 14 days. FUCK! At least I can stay where I'm at for today.

Anyway I gotta get moving on.

Anxiety manifests itself in different ways under different names (eg. PTSD). For me, it was never bad enough that I couldn't function without medication, but it was bad enough to alter my behaviour and actions. I was prescribed bad ideas like SNRIs and benzos; drugs that have an effect on the neurotransmitters for dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine. As it turns out, pharma drugs aren't the only solution for 'chemical imbalances in the brain'.

When I started working out regularly, I also began supplementing with a whey protein powder that contains lots of amino acids. Aside from the BCAAs that are known for their role in muscle-building, there was also stuff like arginine, glutamic acid, lysine, phenylaline, tyrosine, tryptophan, etc. I began to realize that when I took a dose of this stuff in the morning, it would convert the shitty feeling of nervous anxiety into a sort of happy energy that made the day go by a lot easier. All these extras have a role in the neurotransmitter activity that ties into anxiety.

Arginine and lysine -

An L-lysine deficiency has been shown to increase stress-induced anxiety in humans (Ghosh 2010; Smriga 2004). L-lysine binds to a serotonin receptor, acting as a serotonin antagonist by inhibiting serotonin reuptake in the synapse (Smriga 2003). When presented with a stressful situation, supplementation with L-lysine and L-arginine reduced anxiety in human subjects (Jezova 2005; Lakhan 2008; Smriga 2007).

Click to expand...

Glutamic Acid (Glutamate) -

GABA, a neurotransmitter made from the amino acid glutamate, can be taken in the form of a dietary supplement. GABA is the chief inhibiting, or calming neurotransmitter in the brain, functioning as a brake on the neural circuitry during stress. Low GABA levels are associated with restlessness, anxiety, insomnia and a poor mood. (Nemeroff 2003; Kendell 2005; Kugaya 2005).

Click to expand...

Tryptophan, tyrosine and phenylaline -

Insufficient intakes of L-tryptophan, L-phenylalanine, or L-tyrosine are associated with increased symptoms of anxiety (Hood 2010; Toker 2010; Beacher 2010; Roiser 2008). Supplementation with L-tryptophan or 5-hydroxytryptophan (5-HTP) has been shown to elevate brain serotonin levels and enhance both mood and one’s sense of well being (Hood 2010; Toker 2010; Feurte 2001).

Click to expand...

How amino acids differ from the typical herbal solutions to anxiety is that they positively affect the action of dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine and GABA instead of focusing exclusively on GABA. The issue, I've found, with GABA agonists is that they make me tired and that can rebound and wind up anxious feelings even more in situations that call for quick mentals. There's also the fact that many anxiety sufferers refuse to give up coffee despite how severely too much of it can trigger anxiety. All signs point towards the conclusion that being tired sucks the most, but that's the effect that GABA agonists will produce on their own. And so, balance is necessary.

ps. a GABA agonist before bed is helpful as getting good sleep is also key to reducing overall anxiety. I find lemon balm tea to be great for this as it produces restful sleep without the hangover effect of chamomile.

Everything in quote tags was taken verbatim from here, some cross-referencing was done.

Like a microscope as itclearly shows what I get off on when I see the needle open me up. That is something out of my league as I can sense the sexual undertone of another needle twisted fuck.