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I just saw my psychiatrist the other day (the 29th) and he doubled my dose of nortriptyline, and lowered my abilify (which I found out can be worse for bipolar people) down to 5mgs from 10mg, however I just quit it all together because I don't like it. I was also put on Flurazepam (or Dalmane as some call it). It has helped me with sleep incredibly as I'm a horrible insomniac. I usually don't sleep much but this medication makes me want to lay down and try and I have been sleeping since I started using it. Note supposedly 30mgs of flurazepam is equal to 10-15mgs of valium, but I have no idea if this is completely true. I tried taking 60mgs of the flurazepam when I first got it - on top of 4mgs of klonopin and I felt pretty sedated which is odd since I can take 30-50mgs of klonopin alone without feeling a thing Horrible tolerance unfortunately, I've been on benzo's for over 5 years now and I'm only 21 this year, so I started very young. I have GAD and panic attacks though, plus OCD, ADD, and bipolar. So I think I'll be on benzo's the rest of my life like the doctors have told me. Anyway this is a happy post because I'm doing much better than I have been, plus I have stuff to look forward to this week and I'll update on it once I find out what happens. One thing is a personal goal I'm hoping to achieve and the other is I'm waiting to receive my 2c's and new scale! Ahh... I can't wait!

-Andy

well im locked inside a world of one-ways
not a left turn in sight
im a locked inside the world of one-ways
you know two wrongs dont make a right
well i got to get out of this city
before i get all verklempt
well im locked inside a world of one-ways
three rights, they make a left

im not free
no not me
in the city

locked inside the world of construction
orange flashing lights in my face
well im a locked inside the world of construction
trying to give these guys a break
i got to get out of this city
aint no better time than now
cuz im a locked inside the world of construction
and im starting to feel holier than thou

im not free
as far as i can see
in the city

locked inside the world of law-men
undercover uniform too
cuz im a locked inside a world of johnnys
i guess they just got a job to do
its imperative that i disappear
relocate somewhere far from here
its a one-way construction johnny
elevates my fear

im not free
i have a fee
in the city

1. Psychoanalysis
2. Religion
3. Law
---------------------
Prohibition = ♀hanathos

Psychoanalysis

Reality is comedy. The talent that is required in order to laugh is to realize reality is an illusion. Demonstrating the illusion is best done by positioning it as a fiction. The author of the illusion is two hands that simultaneously craft itself. This we call God. God however is insane, and has two temperaments, feminine & masculine. Reading the meta-narrative of God reflects within the reader the nature of God, and the nature of self. If an enemy attacks you in the story and your nature is violent oriented instead of justice oriented then your violent nature puts the right hand in motion as the left hand contemplates. You are always compelled to act reading the story of God, but your actions always reveal your inner nature. Free choice offers you a glimpse at your nature. When there is a Crisis which brings Strife free choice presents the alternative; Love & Stability. This is the comedy, if reality were an illusion then we would have Love & Stability. For it is the powerless who have the keys that drive from Strife to Love. Out of darkness comes light.

Religion

The name of God. God is and can be many things. Of the most useful names She goes by is community, of the worst He goes by money. The power of God is simply unimaginable and infinite. At worst God is self-obsessed which is a kind of Randian notion. At best He is selfless, She sends her only son to be written in history in the greatest comedy known to man. She gives herself to die and be reborn as the Holy Spirit; Community. The Christian notion implies the more power you have the more of yourself you owe to the Spirit of the new epoch. Your epoch is best reflected by the community's Art & Music. Which do we live in now?* Those in power make art driven solely by free choice which I think up until now has been a comedy. Women can't see their own beauty and men have become usurers. Those who have power are often faced with the question of their nature. Are you Christ? Or do you propose that you are God? Power is best viewed as a drug which can best be viewed as a single papaver somniferum flower. Would you use your power to strike down the budding flower to milk the essence of power? If yes you have chosen the mask of God. Or would you let the flower mature and bloom colors that are natural to it? Creating a wealthy canvas through which to exercise your power by which you enable it to grow onto itself, molding it in your image?
This is the Trinity, God sacrificing Son and becoming the Holy Spirit. Having a Kingdom on earth means we must cast out individualism in dire hopes of resolving duality. We must start our heavenly descent from the mountain of Randian thought and enter into the valley of our shadow and choose death. So that we may, "Come to be and pass away disassociating".

Law

1 Timothy 2:12, "I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet." One would assume this law to be a slip of the tongue or at best meant to be comedic. We have now women whom teach, yet there remains this notion. Which is we should not let the feminine traits usurp the masculine. The wise and just should not hold the reigns of dominance and violence. Passiveness therefore should be prohibited, it shouldn't be allowed to infect the multitude. This is what that quote truly means. However the masculine is needed to draw what the left hand contemplates, there needs to be action. A project must come to its conclusion. This is why law is important. It is the barrier between reality and illusion. To transcend a law is to turn the page of history. In all of history the law against marijuana has been obscenely comical. Marijuana has immense creative potential, in its feminine form it becomes the perfect symbol for the Timothy quote;
A silenced female teacher
Yet we prohibit it, in fact make war against it! Showing us our true nature. There is no reason for it to be prohibited, the fact it is prohibited shows us our folly. The facts of marijuana is it's harmless for adults. The penalties of prohibiting it are so vast you would exhaust yourself knowing it was done in your name. It is we the willing and able, politicians, teachers, people of business, police, firemen, lawyers, who must turn the page. For it is we who accept the law as comedy, instead of realizing the true horror of prohibition to be God's own tragedy!

As a Christian lesbian I say to you, comrades, grow laterally.

What's up BL.

So last time I checked in here I had just come out of a brutal detox..well... I started using again. (Shocker I know). Went on a pretty serious bender for months shooting a lot of coke and dope and loosing a lot of people I love.

But, I'm sober now..back on the suboxone finally after having a hellish time transitioning from the dope. So I feel good..psychically..But mentally... I'm lost. It feels like the walls in this city are closing in around me, like I can't breath. I need to get out of here, maybe go out to LA for a while and decompress.. Though my girl's not going to like that.

By the way, my crazy junkie model ex-girlfriend is coming back into town. Needless to say I'm not excited to have to see her and relive all the pain we caused each other while being parasites to one another's lives.

So, right now I want to give the whole city the finger and say "so long fuckers"... But I know I'll be back. I bleed NYC. It's in my veins and it's where I belong, even if sometimes it's the loneliest place in the world.

-Scagnattie

Okay so in the past few days I've moved into a new place, got a raise and a bunch of overtime, got a staff infection, got kicked out of my new place, and now I have to give a two weeks notice at my job hopefully find temporary shelter and move to another state in 14 days. FUCK! At least I can stay where I'm at for today.

Anyway I gotta get moving on.

Anxiety manifests itself in different ways under different names (eg. PTSD). For me, it was never bad enough that I couldn't function without medication, but it was bad enough to alter my behaviour and actions. I was prescribed bad ideas like SNRIs and benzos; drugs that have an effect on the neurotransmitters for dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine. As it turns out, pharma drugs aren't the only solution for 'chemical imbalances in the brain'.

When I started working out regularly, I also began supplementing with a whey protein powder that contains lots of amino acids. Aside from the BCAAs that are known for their role in muscle-building, there was also stuff like arginine, glutamic acid, lysine, phenylaline, tyrosine, tryptophan, etc. I began to realize that when I took a dose of this stuff in the morning, it would convert the shitty feeling of nervous anxiety into a sort of happy energy that made the day go by a lot easier. All these extras have a role in the neurotransmitter activity that ties into anxiety.

Arginine and lysine -

An L-lysine deficiency has been shown to increase stress-induced anxiety in humans (Ghosh 2010; Smriga 2004). L-lysine binds to a serotonin receptor, acting as a serotonin antagonist by inhibiting serotonin reuptake in the synapse (Smriga 2003). When presented with a stressful situation, supplementation with L-lysine and L-arginine reduced anxiety in human subjects (Jezova 2005; Lakhan 2008; Smriga 2007).

Click to expand...

Glutamic Acid (Glutamate) -

GABA, a neurotransmitter made from the amino acid glutamate, can be taken in the form of a dietary supplement. GABA is the chief inhibiting, or calming neurotransmitter in the brain, functioning as a brake on the neural circuitry during stress. Low GABA levels are associated with restlessness, anxiety, insomnia and a poor mood. (Nemeroff 2003; Kendell 2005; Kugaya 2005).

Click to expand...

Tryptophan, tyrosine and phenylaline -

Insufficient intakes of L-tryptophan, L-phenylalanine, or L-tyrosine are associated with increased symptoms of anxiety (Hood 2010; Toker 2010; Beacher 2010; Roiser 2008). Supplementation with L-tryptophan or 5-hydroxytryptophan (5-HTP) has been shown to elevate brain serotonin levels and enhance both mood and one’s sense of well being (Hood 2010; Toker 2010; Feurte 2001).

Click to expand...

How amino acids differ from the typical herbal solutions to anxiety is that they positively affect the action of dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine and GABA instead of focusing exclusively on GABA. The issue, I've found, with GABA agonists is that they make me tired and that can rebound and wind up anxious feelings even more in situations that call for quick mentals. There's also the fact that many anxiety sufferers refuse to give up coffee despite how severely too much of it can trigger anxiety. All signs point towards the conclusion that being tired sucks the most, but that's the effect that GABA agonists will produce on their own. And so, balance is necessary.

ps. a GABA agonist before bed is helpful as getting good sleep is also key to reducing overall anxiety. I find lemon balm tea to be great for this as it produces restful sleep without the hangover effect of chamomile.

Everything in quote tags was taken verbatim from here, some cross-referencing was done.

Like a microscope as itclearly shows what I get off on when I see the needle open me up. That is something out of my league as I can sense the sexual undertone of another needle twisted fuck.

Junky Love

%) Notice the sick sound effects of a needle going thorugh skin that I used for the audio. 8)

I'm really tired of waking up with this morning anxiety, but it's hard to avoid given what's going on and that every day recently has been an onslaught of constant action all involving survival seriousness. I know comparing myself to others is pointless but I can't help but notice people I know flying past me on the road to personal progress and development while I remain in the dust, struggling with things like money and career. I'm beginning to question my place in the world again, if I'll ever get to that place where I'm okay with my lot in life. Poverty really stinks and so does lack of mobility. They're both things that can be changed, it just feels like I am climbing a big mountain this year.

It's not even because of drugs anymore. I've been clean for months... and in the absence of that, I am stuck with all that has been avoided. Being anxious, panicked, depressed, and frequently suicidal in a place where support resources are low has been really challenging. Human connection has never been more important than ever and I'm trying my best to keep it all together. Unfortunately, people can only do so much to help... I see it in their eyes, that courteous earnestness that eventually becomes having to turn away. People don't want to be reminded of their own unresolved inner work, and also I'm sure it's just not the greatest to be around a depressed person all the time.

The scary part of all this is that this is a hill I seem to be climbing alone and no one can really help me with it, deep down. People are islands of comfort and reassurance, but they can't stand with me as I face myself and the tasks ahead. It's something I have to own up to... and in that, there is no remedy for the loneliness. When the sheer terror began, I was trying to reach out for anyone I could to keep me company, so that I didn't feel like death was so near... which is so unlike me, being an introvert who has been alone for years. Now I realize I was just trying to cope. I thought I had dealt with these fears of death before, having almost died so many times now. But it's clear to me that this is a new kind of fatality in the making, even though I'm not 100% sure of the form it's taking on. It's the death of what I thought mattered (and I truly, sincerely believed it did). It's scary having those internal structures whittled away at by burgeoning awareness that it either no longer serves a purpose or it was total delusion in the first place. There's no comfort for me now, no refuge, no hiding. I am terrified.

Gradually, incrementally, I am coming to accept that this year I might die. And maybe that's okay. I've made a good go of it up until now, done a lot, realized a hell of a lot more, and met a lot of nice people. I would like to see the story continue, especially where new love is concerned... but those feelings of hope are countermanded daily by a deep seated fear that maybe I don't really belong here, and nothing is mine anyway. I would rather die than live a mediocre life where there is no sense of connection, no sense of family or belonging, no companionship and partnership, no tenderness, no love, no hope. I can see the emptiness in every moment, the utter meaninglessness. I thought this was supposed to feel liberating? Why do I feel so saddened by it then? It feels like the void... I stare into it, and it stares back, reminding me that nothing is real. I don't really know how to be with this information. It's almost a step too far. But at the same time... give me freedom or give me the bridge. I can't handle being on this fence anymore.

Little Red Balloons

Favorite song?

[video=youtube_share;aXAU4MmMIMo]http://youtu.be/aXAU4MmMIMo[/video]
Favorite album?
Ronnie James Dio

http://youtube_share;B0zMFN6bMlo]http://youtu.be/B0zMFN6bMlo[

Favorite live performance?

When something comes together it is great.
Mike Ness and Bruce Springsteen doing Bad Luck
http://youtube_share;2OxZ3zdon-k]http://youtu.be/2OxZ3zdon-k

At Woodstock 99, I was in heaven cuz I was really into Kid Rock then and always into CCR. So when he did Fortunate Son, I was happy as a clam. My friends teased me, but so what.
http://=youtube_share;XX74TLYT_gw]http://youtu.be/XX74TLYT_gw

Discussion of any off shoot projects from members of the band?

Mike Ness has a covers project. I love his country covers. I don't like
modern country, but the old stuff is great.
I also will put their appearance on a radio show "Storytellers" with Social Distortion

I fought the law
http://youtube_share;cJB-AzHysoA]http://youtu.be/cJB-AzHysoA
Gamblin Man
http://youtube;TrNrp-dNUpM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrNrp-dNUpM&list=PL71D30294E01FD86B&feature=share&index= 2
Storytellers 1
http://youtube_share;_oph2INT4Rc]http://youtu.be/_oph2INT4Rc
Storytellers 2
http://youtube_share;un3vdoBSES8]http://youtu.be/un3vdoBSES8

Recommendations of similar artists?

I love The Dropkick Murphy's and Flogging Molly - Makes you want to drink green beer
Hard to Believe Fastway formed Flogging Molly

Cadence to Arms/Do or Die
http://youtube_share;f23ENPznbN4]http://youtu.be/f23ENPznbN4

The Devil's Dance Floor
http://youtube_share;TSwaVvF7rdU]http://youtu.be/TSwaVvF7rdU

Oh Glorious Dimitri! I beseech thee!

Robert E. Kahn and Vint Cerf

Robert E. Kahn was born December 23rd, 1938
Vint Cerf was born June 23rd, 1943

I walked in my door and the timer for the oven went off. My chicken was done. I had been to the gym to shower, while it cooked. I go to the gym to shower because the painters painted my bathtub wrong, and every time I shower here it makes me sick, from fumes, still months after I moved in. So I go there.

Pulling in the parking space outside, the track ended-- The track "My Little Universe", by Depeche Mode. "My Little Universe is expanding". The time was 4:44, according to the clock on the dash.

Getting home from work, before, another song- "Angel" ended as I parked.

At the gym, I saw a very mixed fellow, who works there every morning. He is Black, White, "Puerto Rican", and maybe something else. I reflected, again, on my seeming feelings against Whites disappearing into others, and I feel I misunderstand myself. I like this guy. I like another guy, named Byron, who I used to work with, who is Black and White. It's not that I hate people. Or have strong feelings, of wanting them out. Especially not in the U.S. I started a thread earlier, about "White Genocide", in which I talked about how so many brown colored people are entering Europe, and how they are on a course to outnumber the natives, potentially. I posted images of projections of the "average" American (I think it was), in 2050, and they were all mixed. Everyone mixed. All races. My problem with this was that they were all mixed into White. White with them. And white was gone. Meanwhile, the roots of those that mixed in, are still there, in the native countries, where the roots of Whites, are gone.

I still have a problem, I guess, with that. I do.

But I don't hate people, really. I don't exclude that guy- Nito, who works at the gym, or others. I find mixes interesting, to be honest. But I don't want everyone mixing. I don't want whites to be gone.

I also viewed pictures of "blond haired blue eyed" Iranians/Persians/Afghanis. These were in my reflection/on my mind. It was interesting to me, how closely I "relate" to the faces. It is said that Alexander the Great's armies left these genes in these regions, potentially... But it's also been said that they were naturally more White, and that Arabs, with Muhammad's armies, added to the genes in Persia, Afghanistan, etc. It is just interesting, to see "White" genes survive, for so long, in these areas, if they are in fact from Alexander the Great's armies. They look Iranian/Pakistani... But they look European. Kind of like how you can look at a child and see both the mother and the father, and some can only see one or the other, sometimes, but I see both. And, I can accept them. "White" doesn't really... Matter. It does, but it doesn't. I guess it depends on the mix... But then I'm wrong about that, too.

I don't know. I just don't want Hate. "My little universe is expanding" reflected my once again "acceptance", of others, and finding likeness, in other places.

I still feel the same about Europe, though. I feel some borders are good.

%)

Yo Peeps!!!!

I'm gutted man, was looking forward like allll day to tucking into a nice Magnum Infinity; chocolate n caramel flavour.... oh the hoy, oh Heaven! Bliss! Delight! Journey into luscious chocolate, into fatness, and into I don't careness because this is my gorgeous, chocolately, heavenly moment.... oh yes, yes, yes let's go..... Into the fridge.... ahhh yes, the Go into the fridge and where the hell is my damn Magnum infinity, man?! My Goodness the world has just ended.... No, No, NO!!!! Destraught... need serious consoling here innit... hahahahahaha Oh mannnnnnnnnnnn, lol

Anyway how's everyone doing? I'm chilling here with a nice glass of wine.... Sun has been shining all day, got good family, people who care for me.. What more could a girl want, eh?! Have like such a beautiful garden out ther...... Shittttttttt I've forgotten to water the damned flowers, trees n stuff! Ahhh they'll keep... Got some good plums growing, some blackberries, apples, raspberries.... Is gna be a good September this year....

......Ahhhh bliss! I can't WAIT until the Autumn.... I LOVE the Autumn, I love Winter! Being lovely n cosy n stuff! Drinking hot chocolate, heating on, knowing 'tis cold outside but 'tis lovely, warm n cosy instead.... Canna beat it, But one canna beat nature either! Summer is like an open, hot summer's day - everything's alive, everything's so open, so free, so OUT-THERE, windows open, people talking, animals walking, plants thriving, children out play, happy, free and singing.... Everything being watered, people trying to fit in everything they could....

Oh I love life, life is what one makes it, life is free, life is a struggle, but make of that what it want, we embrace it like a gracious cuddle.

Take care ya'all. Sorry for my BS... waffling and stuff, just fancied doing a blog innit!

Goody day to all.

Now time for a garlic-breaded chicken butty! Well ya gotta compensate somehow, eh... Was traumatising not having that magnum I've looked forward to all day y'know hahahahahaha

Love yah!

Evey

Up for a little trivia? Why don't you test your drug knowledge with a video game I made called "Name That Drug!" See if you can guess the drug on the screen before the name scrolls across the page. Get 27 out of 27 right and I'll consider you a Master of Illegal Narcotics! If you do well, post your score in the comments. Have fun!