speed-limper
Greenlighter
This is the first time I've attempted this, and I think it's time to start talking about what true mental health is to some people. I am schizophrenic, a paranoid schizophrenic going of "categories", and am able to deal with most things in life without medication or help for the most part. Working, kids, wife, and the whole 9. A lot of people see "Schizophrenia" and become terrified of what they have attached to that word. They see monsters, talking to walls and speaking gibberish, violently lashing out, and it's not the normal case. I've had children steered away from me at the store because of how I dress (camos and band t-shirts), and was told by pastors I was going to he'll without ever speaking to me. Of course they didn't know I was schizophrenic, but the schizophrenia pulls thoughts around in my head over and over again.
I'm lucky to be aware of how it usually affects my thought patterns, and can generally muck through the cognitive effects, usually coming off as weird and eccentric, but overall good. I've been in the mental hospitals, both voluntary and involuntary. I've held a job since graduatng high-school. Married and kid, with multiple psychotic episodes, 5 or 6 official mental health diagnosis, and plan on making it further just out of rage, piss, and sheer because I Fucking Can.
I had early onset, though no formal diagnosis of schizophrenia until I was 22. My first hallucinations were full color Victorian era people, generally in dark areas and they wouldn't speak, but we always made eye contact. I distinctly remember one man I called the whittler. I saw geometric patterns also, extremely distinct and rememberable, but they mostly stopped after being given 6mg a day risperdone while I was 14. Most cognitive effects didn't develop until closer to 19. Honestly, most negative and cognitive effects started around 18-19, although I'd have hallucinations in front of people. I remember my mom being asked if I ate some acid when a neighbor saw me chasing fairies.
My main symptoms now are visual or audiotory hallucinations, paranoia, avolition, anhedonia, overall withdrawal from people. I'm in a better place mentally than I've ever been before, truly getting grief that's been built up for years out of me, from childhood abuse to my mother's death last year.
I've been battling daily drug use more since her death, and although I have fought with myself for years about it, I think I'm finally aging out. More working on my mental health instead of covering it up. I just started a new job, all top teeth replaced and bone grafts done, building up because I have a son and have to do what wasn't for me.
I was stalked after my mom's death, I won't go into detail, but it happened, people were arrested and they labeled me as substance induced psychosis and was given haldol injections. I'm still dealing with the mental issues from that, and that's where I'll start.
I'm still occasionally getting watched by people, they watch whenever I smoke cannabis concentrate or amphetamines, or stay up really late. They cant watch me directly at work anymore, I no longer work in an open kitchen. I feel so many less eyes on me. They stare through me, I can feel them watching. I narrate to myself to stay on track, I have no real inner monologue. I'm a bad ass on the grill and in a kitchen, so people let me do me since I'm nice and work hard.
I can't keep track of people anymore. Some points when I was in an open kitchen it felt like everyone in the restaurant was staring at me because I used drugs at home, usually the day before. When I kept track I was days short of writing and connecting them on a board there were so many. Groups watching and following me. I knew trying to watch them would drive me crazy. (One of my only people got arrested on federal charges and some of "them" were really thinking I was in on it). It wrecked my immediate trust of people, and I have to walk through the logic of "them" in every situation or the paranoia and delusional thoughts build up.
People don't understand I have to let those thoughts out to not have them to ruminate on during my downtime. If I ignore them when they come into my conscious they build up and run like wildfire. To the point of insanity and incoherance. I remember looking at someone one day and saying "I know it's impossible, but I can't stop thinking and looking at the car hidden between this 2foot tall shrub and house that was planted there to record me on dash am sitting on the porch." It only got worse after that, because how should someone react to that?
Today was good overall. I'm happy, new teeth, new job, new outlook on life, and ready to build everything back. My thought pattern stayed on track today, but I had a lot of slipups with some word salad and speaking. I have to think hard before I speak. But it was my first real shift back in a full kitchen after 2 years, and I rocked out like Jimi, Ozzy, and Cobain. I flowed like water and am happy to be able to be great at cooking. I made up for it with my actions and showed myself, and them, I can do it regardless.
I'm lucky to be aware of how it usually affects my thought patterns, and can generally muck through the cognitive effects, usually coming off as weird and eccentric, but overall good. I've been in the mental hospitals, both voluntary and involuntary. I've held a job since graduatng high-school. Married and kid, with multiple psychotic episodes, 5 or 6 official mental health diagnosis, and plan on making it further just out of rage, piss, and sheer because I Fucking Can.
I had early onset, though no formal diagnosis of schizophrenia until I was 22. My first hallucinations were full color Victorian era people, generally in dark areas and they wouldn't speak, but we always made eye contact. I distinctly remember one man I called the whittler. I saw geometric patterns also, extremely distinct and rememberable, but they mostly stopped after being given 6mg a day risperdone while I was 14. Most cognitive effects didn't develop until closer to 19. Honestly, most negative and cognitive effects started around 18-19, although I'd have hallucinations in front of people. I remember my mom being asked if I ate some acid when a neighbor saw me chasing fairies.
My main symptoms now are visual or audiotory hallucinations, paranoia, avolition, anhedonia, overall withdrawal from people. I'm in a better place mentally than I've ever been before, truly getting grief that's been built up for years out of me, from childhood abuse to my mother's death last year.
I've been battling daily drug use more since her death, and although I have fought with myself for years about it, I think I'm finally aging out. More working on my mental health instead of covering it up. I just started a new job, all top teeth replaced and bone grafts done, building up because I have a son and have to do what wasn't for me.
I was stalked after my mom's death, I won't go into detail, but it happened, people were arrested and they labeled me as substance induced psychosis and was given haldol injections. I'm still dealing with the mental issues from that, and that's where I'll start.
I'm still occasionally getting watched by people, they watch whenever I smoke cannabis concentrate or amphetamines, or stay up really late. They cant watch me directly at work anymore, I no longer work in an open kitchen. I feel so many less eyes on me. They stare through me, I can feel them watching. I narrate to myself to stay on track, I have no real inner monologue. I'm a bad ass on the grill and in a kitchen, so people let me do me since I'm nice and work hard.
I can't keep track of people anymore. Some points when I was in an open kitchen it felt like everyone in the restaurant was staring at me because I used drugs at home, usually the day before. When I kept track I was days short of writing and connecting them on a board there were so many. Groups watching and following me. I knew trying to watch them would drive me crazy. (One of my only people got arrested on federal charges and some of "them" were really thinking I was in on it). It wrecked my immediate trust of people, and I have to walk through the logic of "them" in every situation or the paranoia and delusional thoughts build up.
People don't understand I have to let those thoughts out to not have them to ruminate on during my downtime. If I ignore them when they come into my conscious they build up and run like wildfire. To the point of insanity and incoherance. I remember looking at someone one day and saying "I know it's impossible, but I can't stop thinking and looking at the car hidden between this 2foot tall shrub and house that was planted there to record me on dash am sitting on the porch." It only got worse after that, because how should someone react to that?
Today was good overall. I'm happy, new teeth, new job, new outlook on life, and ready to build everything back. My thought pattern stayed on track today, but I had a lot of slipups with some word salad and speaking. I have to think hard before I speak. But it was my first real shift back in a full kitchen after 2 years, and I rocked out like Jimi, Ozzy, and Cobain. I flowed like water and am happy to be able to be great at cooking. I made up for it with my actions and showed myself, and them, I can do it regardless.
