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AVG alerted me I have a hidden tracker on my (was for her sole use but I kinda Indian gave it...) laptop while writing this lol. Except they offered me a paid service to remove it I doubt I should worry and what would a lowlife bum need a VPN for in America? I refuse to live in fear with a VPN today it is also irrelevant to this shutting up now.

I must be a great fool certainly a faulty tool but today I remembered The Golden Rule.



If the Emperor of whatever heaven you want to name or believe in wants me to be nicer to all people and less critical I guess I should bow at his throne because apparently heaven decides who gets what on Earth? LOL



Life is easier when you don't get unbalanced emotionally isn't it? Science can probably explain why The Golden Rule supports emotional balance. Hell it doesn't even take a religion to tell you about this rule:

“Do not do to others what angers you if done to you by others.”
― Socrates
Why did I feel compelled to start blogging about topics I suck hard at? Cuz dude I am struggling inside it is like trying to process pain and confusion but now I feel it confusing me more.

Funny stuff up ahead in this entry because I made a post about blogging I think nehow it is from a blog called Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

until I figure out moderation in my life sorry for the dumb cluttering entries so far really I feel like a moron in more ways than one. Get my mind off drugs here I have had it on them way too much as of late for my own good and their'$ randomly found it not gonna share from someone else's blog again come on they don't even make money from that old crappy blog:

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I hate people who blog about blogging
Blogging is an art form. It's an amazing opportunity to share one's self with the world. And some people ruin this precious, precious forum to share their ideas by blogging about blogging, and blogging about bloggers. You don't see people frog about frogging do you? Or dog about dogging? Do you know why not? Because it's stupid! I'm sick and tired of people I don't even like tainting my precious art form. It's a desecration. It's like money changers in the temple ripping off the worshipers by charging exorbitant prices for birds to sacrifice! It's like a freshly minted bride getting divorced during her wedding! It's like eating vanilla ice cream on top of rancid lard! It's a massacre of everything I hold dear. BLOG IT ALL! They've sullied my precious and I hate them for it.

ADDENDUM: These suckers are called "Meta Bloggers". Meta. Look it up.

By Mighty Pipsqueek
Which is more damaging to biology, psychology, and society?

Alcohol culture probably looks like Charles Manson compared to psy culture if we said that psy cult was likened to Bruce Lee lol. Except Manson dropped acid?

I have done terribly dumb things on psychs but nowhere near as dumb as alcohol.

I never got arrested driving on them but I have two DWAIs for drunk driving.

To assume any culture is a risk to my mental health is to say they are more powerful than me.

Call me egotistical for this but I am not afraid any longer of either culture.
I am a pragmatist I would say but a sucky lame dunce of one. I don't hate myself for saying that today it drives me to want to develop as a human being. I'm disgusted w/ the subhuman monster I quickly become on drugs and alcohol doesn't really matter what kind for my compulsion issue I have become more familiar with as I aged. I can see how resisting my own bias is vital to be open enough to ask for help and hear what I need to so I can start to really truly change. Surely my awareness is shitty to boot and how I can resist what I am unaware of right?

To maintain an unbiased blog for me would be highly unlikely I am thinking but I can certainly give it a shot. Feel free to tear into any bias that might rub you wrong.

I hope this is a promise I keep to myself but I have no reason to keep writing these so frequently I just want to start to steer this blog in a different direction than when the crazy train of my thoughts first started rolling down dark stormy mountain tracks haha don't even wanna look at older entries.

What disturbed me about AA recently and this is one of the big reasons I am quitting it is the amount of rude bias in meetings. Only some people would express it including my ex-sponsor to me (for three days) and I am not trying to imply I do not suffer from rude bias in my own head I certainly do.

For example it was said in these last three days in at least two meetings when using drugs was brought up to avoid NA meetings because they try to sell drugs to you right outside the meeting. I went to a NA meeting on Saturday and while the demographic sure was different what the people said in the meeting was of equal importance to what they were saying at AA. They weren't any less of people for doing NA. No drugs were being sold in the parking lot where some gathered after/ it was in a well kept inner city library basement with nicer seats than many AA meetings. What a big biased piece of judgy AA bullshit.

This blog is not gonna make me desirable in your eyes but can I try to crack some jokes and ya I should plan out entries much better and make less I am thinking but not with my stinking thinking that feels right in my gut.

I should be grateful for a roof over my head. I was invited to this guy's apartment yesterday smaller than mine and he lives with other sober guys while I have a hot (in my $tained eyes) lady in mine and I asked if it's an Oxford House. No he called it a fellowship house belonging to the most gung ho group in the city (based on judging and assuming). Not my job to point out faulty bias anywhere though.

Onto the main attraction.

Is the next caboose that roaringly thunders down the line gonna catch me as a hobo clown on it?
Why do they think they can fix everyone if you do exactly as they say? This is what they say. Do exactly as my sponsor says I will never drink again.

Does anyone understand why studies or some research is showing only 5 to 10% of people who try these groups succeed?

My sponsor did tell I would get drunk last night. He didn't assume I wouldn't. I also heard about someone who would always leave and come back has like seven Big Books from people giving him another one each time he came back.

I am not sure how this can be the only solution on the planet to overcome vice but they are giving me the impression nothing else will work and I was so desperate I sat long enough to hear that recently.

My mind could be playing tricks on me already. I don't feel neglected by the people I have met and especially the ones I am trying to commit to who my sponsor encourages me to be around. He has already told me to avoid certain people and when someone wants me to do something at these meetings to tell him first and he talks to his grand sponsor about it next or definitely was running a lot by him I could tell he also said he was at times so I trust that kind of guidance more than if he were just making demands on me and they are more like suggestions but what is the point of having a sponsor if you don't listen and follow their advice.

So I get upset and negative about very wholesome things unrelated to this beneficial and harmless program really (it feels like at least to me) so how can I say oh they are making me feel worse already?

I cannot make a rational conclusion about anything right now and with the kindness shown to me thus far I am not choosing to abandon trying this AA group out my sponsor attends.

I wanted to place blame on them already for making me feel worse about trying to recover but I am now withdrawaling from Delta 8 THC (cry for me Argentina it isn't bad just grumpy) and nicotine withdrawal will set in soon making me feel like a furious monster inside probably but I am more resolved than ever to cut that demon down quick this time. How can I say going to these groups and having to have my sponsor take me and have me stay out later than I wanna be which leaves me little to no time to meditate fully before bed...SIGH

The truth about fully trying to commit to a 12 Step group for me at least only since I have been clean again for going on 3 days now is that these guys helped me burn through more fear than I have in I don't know how many years of having this fear. I faced discomfort a ton already it felt very hard. I did not run away just yet. Watch me go call an addiction specialist if I quit this attempt at working with this meeting location in particular and never show up at a 12 Step Group ever again.
I am ready for another blog post already I suppose. I don't wanna flood my journal with too many entries per day would like to keep it limited to one nightly entry and make it a new habit.

So I am committing to not just AA which I found a sponsor in last night but one NA meeting and one SA meeting per week. Gonna do a few more than one AA though. The thing about my compulsions is they seem to be connected and all three of those twelve step groups fit my situation. Some poly drugs users simply choose to use AA for the support and fellowship as I have come to see in the past couple days. The programs are nearly identical. I want to try to keep my mind as open as possible and be more accepting of people from all walks of life hence I think I should at least try all three together for a good chunk of time maybe 90 days and see if I don't need all three programs and perhaps AA meetings will be enough.

In my area NA and SA are small & tiny compared to AA. I was relieved more than a couple of people also struggled with drugs in them.

I hope this is the last psytrance track I share let me break up the bleak sobering nature of my presence sorry I had some kind of spiritual drug induced breakdown on LSZ which snapped me out of all drug use including the remaining blotters I got rid of. Why the last? Psychedelic culture is a dangerous risk for me it seems harmless and beneficial for many though. Call me one of the unfortunate few to have come to this realization my ego might forget again and again...



The art of living truly and fully I am not even close to grasping onto yet. At the pace I was going at it might never happen.
I did
can now get it delivered to my door with no extra charge
they sell everything else aswell
be jelly
I picked up a Heine and set down the Ecstasy of Gold by Widowmaker Brewing I imbibed a little less than half of so far perhaps I should take a bike to get the alcohol out quicker before I turn into a vicious werewolf who was last seen outside a crackhouse during a raid the one random night drinking like over five years back I decide to go into the hood to smoke down on and ran into a jacked up white crack dealer who was on his way to an Embassy Suite who gave me his numba and smoked with me in his ride wanted to know if I was undacova first ain't act like I am from the hood even in it but they like me well the good ones with some humane spirit left even balls deep in the game until it gone and they turn on ya

I should not be drinking hence i made a blog post about it waaaaaa honestly blotter makes me tense at present I have to avoid it if want to quit drinking right now but I have a few to move through yet for therapy aware of the risk but I don't binge drink on acid ever at least lol unlike stims anyways coworkers wanna trade me some standard Lucy Twenty Cinco for a couple oh yes done at this job in less than a year so are they garden center run by a greedy old millionaire no one likes to be around who works there haha
I am a raging drug addict struggling to live to see tomorrow that is what I am and want to escape from NOW Godspeed hitting a meeting tomorrow they call SOS but generally you put out the signal and I eat too many lifesavers at work?
So needless to say it wracked my noggin very hard and fast and sorted a bunch of stuff out in terms of taking the recent negative trash patterns of living in mind, thought, and deed like very quickly once it grabbed hold of my brain did not even take a third of a 150ug tab
Recently I called my mom and told her I was worried about my mortality and was thinking of going to the hospital to get injected with ativan to kill the bad trip which resulted from having taken propylhexedrine the day before and not sleeping well then also drinking alcohol and taking kratom then that night when I redosed Aladdin I started freaking out about my CNS or heart or respiratory system and texted her actually and she brought over a melatonin and two mg of lorazepam which knocked me out into a fluffy worriless sound sleep all night long thank God or her rather will have to pay much greater attention to set & setting for my upcoming LSZ trials have an outstanding time for me sometime
To conquer the 6th dimension, one must have tried amp, meth, eth, mda, mdma, & mde. To conquer the 9th dimension, one must also have tried pma, pmma, and pmea.
I think I finally found a healthier ( notice healthier does not necessarily mean healthy just better than huge amounts of hot chocolate) way to flavor kratom. Coconut bulba tea flavoring power. According to the label it’s 1/3 the calories of the hot chocolate mix I was using and only 4 grams of sugar The package says to add sugar to it but I didn’t need to. Still waiting to see if I get a migraine from the mix but so far so good
Earth is a place where you are made ashamed of being human. That alone cuts you from all life.
This is a special place where we talk about special drugs and we kindly worship them for they are the true God's of reality. Would you turn to the faith of God or would you turn to Drugs in times of desperate need. That's the question you must ask yourself
Get 1013'd (Georgia) or Baker Acted (Florida), captured by the police, and escorted to a major hospital's Emergency Room. Most of you won't remember a thing. Huh?
Did Not Like Me Then.
And They Do Not Like Me Now.
Everything Is Possible. Some Things Are Plausible.
I've Been Living Here So Long That I Started Calling It Home. WOOT: Out Of This World!
Hey everybody who might be concerned! I'm definitely still alive and I'm gonna do my best to be more available to the forums in general. I have been replying to my inbox for folks who need help with tapers and things of that nature. It's been a tough year. When I got furloughed from my English class I assumed it would be short-term. Now, a year later I'm still pretty unsure when I'm gonna go back. I've had seizures for the past 5 years, so general labor is difficult. Without seizure-specific medications, even outside of events I just feel like shit, clouded cognition, no motivation and anxiety. Then I stop eating, then the seizures get worse. It's just been a big snowball.

I'm not pleading for help. I know pretty much everyone is in the same boat. I just want everyone to realize that I actually care and I have no intention of abandoning the forums. I'm gonna do my best to catch up on things, but I'm definitely having a tough time. I'm sorry to anyone who I have personally let down through inattention. I feel guilty and selfish. I hope everyone is doing okay and not losing their minds. I've got love for everyone on here.

Ryan
Liminal Spaces Are Defined As The Space Between 2 Or More Other, Concrete Spaces, Where Ordinary Rules Of Physics Are Not Always Followed,

But They Can Be Thought About In Other Ways As Well. Examples Include The Space Inside A Wall In Your House, Being In Purgatory, Or Standing Beneath A Doorway Separating Two Rooms--Which Is Bad Luck By The Way.

The Nuclear Age, Started By The Equation E = mc^2, Has Led To Hundreds Of Nuclear Events In The Last Century, And Space Time (Measured In Parsecs) Has Been Warped By Each Event. Personally, I Have Experienced The September, 1981, Plutonium Bombing Of The Regency Mall In Augusta, Georgia; The August 29th, 1997, Uranium Virtual Reality Calamity Whilst Working As A Patient Transporter At Athens Regional Medical Center; And The July 5th, 1998, Neutron Bomb Explosion In Atlanta, Georgia, Which Originated At A Rave At Lorretta's Disco; And The 2006 Boston, Massachusetts, Harbor Tea Party Bombing, Which Was Visible From Alpha Centauri, And Was A Photon Bomb.

Do I Like Being Nuclear Bombed? NO! Of Course Not, But Life Happens. It's Your Experiences, And What You Learned From Them, That Counts. Anyway, What's My Point?

My Points Are Two Fold: (1) Although The Age Of Aquarius Started In 2000 AD, The Boston Bomb And All The Others Have Earth In A Liminal Space--Where Past, Present, And Future Coexist--For Around Another 300 Years, And (2) The Final Solution May Involve A Nuclear Fusion Bomb, On Earth, Big Enough To Envelope Our Entire Solar System, Which Will Then Have 2 Stars: The Sun & The Earth.
I am experimenting with new ways to flavor kratom because I am concerned that 4+ cups of hot chocolate a day will result in major long term health issues.

I identify as having a “ little side” basically means that my childhood was buggy enough that part of my personality and preferences stayed in preschool and yes people who don’t even know that one can have a little side frequently comment that I seem particularly gifted with children from 0-6 years of age.
I bring up my little only because that side of my personality seems to dramatically impact my food preferences. When we go to a new restaurant my family gages whether I will like it or at least find something I can eat based on whether they have a kid’s menu.

so imagine trying to get a picky 4 year old to deal with the taste of kratom and you’ll have an idea of what I am up against. Of course it’s easier than it would be with an actual kid because it is an inward battle and the grown up side of myself knows what the benefits are.

My kid side still calls vanilla ice cream unflavored too. So things have to be pretty bold to even be considered “ flavored” on that scale let alone blocking the taste of anything gross.

so yeah that is the struggle. Oh and I get migraines and it seems like mixing certain things with kratom makes them migraine triggers even if I can do them alone.

cinnamon for example is great on toast or rolls but too soon before or after kratom or mixed with it, instant migraine.

so far, the 2 best things I have found to flavor kratom are lemonade ( which I had a weird reaction to but I’m going to try a different brand)

and a mix of black tea, coconut milk and a bit of regular milk (whole although I plan to try it with other percentages too),

The worst thing so far was mint tea it seems to enhance the earthy taste of the kratom

peach tea was a close second on the worst tasting ideas list.

For travel I hope to come up with something that is completely powdered that I can just add water to.
At the moment, I pre-measure my kratom and put it and SwissMiss hot chocolate mix in empty mini M&M containers and carry them in sandwich ziplock bags in case they spill

Chocolate whole milk completely blocks the taste of the kratom but I try to keep that for when I am under the weather and feel like if it is at all bitter it won’t stay down ( during a full on migraine usually)

Anyway, coconut seems to be the heavy lifter in my tea mix. Now if I can just find powdered coconut extract...

Going to try a bit of maple syrup today too since my housemates are doing pancakes for dinner tonight and I offered to treat for real maple syrup instead of fake pancake syrup junk

I will keep updating this thread with experimental results. It might help someone else, who knows?

one other thing, I know I could put the kratom in capsules but I find drinking it helps me stay on track with my hydration goals. Drinking water or anything without carbonation is another item on the list of chores my kid side hates. So yeah somehow mixing the 2 chores together makes them both more doable
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