Blogs

Yesterday, when I was coming down, I drank Red Bull mixed with Andre Spumanti Sparkling Wine. THE_BEST

Iran So Far Away!
Flock Of Seagulls.
Fog Machines.
LASER Rays.
Wish I Had A Job Today.

Give S/HEM CH3CH3CH2OH!

On A Mystery Street Pill.
The Chemical Vendors Wouldn't Send Me The 1-(diphenylmethyl)-piperazine RILEY Or 1-benzoyl-piperazine. Plus, I'm Stoned, Capone. Zed's Dead.

Resurrected Dead Zombies Are Spreading Contagion Here On Old Earth Like You Wouldn't Believe!

Now We Have Tropical Weather Here In Georgia.

Takes me out of myself and my self created confusion beautiful.

I briefly shared a legal San Pedro types of cacti (among Peruvian & Bolivian Dungeon Lanterns I always seem to ingest wrong should stop lol unless with a shaman maybe never) source on my Facebook earlier in a frenzy like anyone asked or saw HAH this morning I think lightning is meaningful in relation to that.

nature helped soothe my midlife crisis tonight at least.

Oh hell a psy gem I take back what was said in prior posts.

Hate reading relapse stories like "i relapsed after 18 months clean" i understood that cravings should be gone after a few months, so that means i will have them forever? that is so discouraging... the fuck did i get like this? my life was great, i could do anything,
fuck me i dont even like drugs and i cant stop slamming this shit, who did this to me? i see absolutely no way out, everytime i try i fail
everyday i think lower of myself, i was about to go pro on my sport, the thing i loved the most, and now i cant even climb the stairs to my apartment without sweating like a pig
i have no words to describe this feeling, i can only feel shame and more shame because i cry

I focus too much on the world and not enough on my own habits.

My journey now leads me to the gates of the inner sanctum. What perilous dungeons of the consciousness may lay ahead R not enough to stop this quest to kingdom fuggin come baby.

I can start by giving up my insatiable appetite for what is basically chemsex.

I will now blog about this quest solely.

This Combo Was Gr8!
How Do I Know I Got The Real Thing?
I Could Smell The Methyl-S-Areneal Moiety The Next Time I Took A Dump.

Who can guide me? The 12 Steps and the Fellowship are the only answer for chemical compulsion problems? Who decides that bro?

Dude I am getting a therapist over these last three days of meetings with my new sponsor I am soon to be long gone from any 12 Step program forever wanna say I won't ever get clean the right way because of dat homeboy?

I be done bloggin until my brain recalibrates more I hope is my plan

Where do I start. Love is a funny thing. At first its exciting and all happiness and potential. Then it slowly turns to familiarity. Then contempt slowly seeps in. Before you know it your girl is asleep next to the bed every night and you fight more often then you have sex.

How do I fix us? We have been through so much could life just give us a fucking break. I still love you. I'm not giving up. But worry you are unhappy. I am confused and scared. Goose if your reading this please know my love is unconditional and I will fight for this to some bitter end.

I need to become more organized very fast for the life of me and the sake of those who care. I flushed the remainder of the drug that is only dilating one pupil which I take it after all these years of experimenting with such compounds and other ones rest not assured is a bad omen that I must cease all drugs and find a spiritual path to make it out of this life or death maze I seem to be getting more lost in the by the day but I think I made the right choice here if for nothing other than the sake of my damaged brain but I believe in neurogenesis and change is possible not guaranteed unfortunately but fortunately you are thinking how to get better before you cannot.

Aside from that I suck at blogs dont have one anywhere else will take a step back and leave you with this for hopefully some months of solid recovery meeting attendance and personal habit development.

Now unlike me this gentleman said he never took drugs do I sure somehow wish at this point in time:

HOTTO_OTTOH

And, Although The Tao Of Heaven Is Pointed, It Harms No One.

It Seems Like Most People Who Do Drugs Probably Want To. And It Also Seems Like Most People Who Don't Want To Do Them Probably Don't. MK-ULTRA

Creative Sports Teams' Names:
1. The Sad You C's
2. The Fair Uh Seize
3. The Good O-Sama El Arringtans
4. The Cunning Linguists
5. The Mizz O'Genists
6. The Mac Polly Want A Cracker Glot Annas
7. The Benzos
8. The Tell Tale Saturn 9 Tails
9. The Warlocks
10. The Wizard's Gizzards
11. The Annihilators
12. The Phish
13. The OutKasts
14. The M Sees
15. The Magician
16. The House Of McNair
17. The Star Of Jason
18. Double Bubba Bubble Boy Toy Trouble
19. The Russell Stover Stewie Stevie Stevia Wanders Round & Roundup Glyphosate Big Boi Satisfaction Survey Center
20. The Blind Zombies
21. The Tara Terra Dawg Man Star Mucho Muncho Incognito Cogitator Tater Agitator Playa H8er Da 8er Maker
22. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
23. The Royal Star Of The Lion
24. 420 Ish

AVG alerted me I have a hidden tracker on my (was for her sole use but I kinda Indian gave it...) laptop while writing this lol. Except they offered me a paid service to remove it I doubt I should worry and what would a lowlife bum need a VPN for in America? I refuse to live in fear with a VPN today it is also irrelevant to this shutting up now.

I must be a great fool certainly a faulty tool but today I remembered The Golden Rule.



If the Emperor of whatever heaven you want to name or believe in wants me to be nicer to all people and less critical I guess I should bow at his throne because apparently heaven decides who gets what on Earth? LOL



Life is easier when you don't get unbalanced emotionally isn't it? Science can probably explain why The Golden Rule supports emotional balance. Hell it doesn't even take a religion to tell you about this rule:

“Do not do to others what angers you if done to you by others.”
― Socrates

Why did I feel compelled to start blogging about topics I suck hard at? Cuz dude I am struggling inside it is like trying to process pain and confusion but now I feel it confusing me more.

Funny stuff up ahead in this entry because I made a post about blogging I think nehow it is from a blog called Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

until I figure out moderation in my life sorry for the dumb cluttering entries so far really I feel like a moron in more ways than one. Get my mind off drugs here I have had it on them way too much as of late for my own good and their'$ randomly found it not gonna share from someone else's blog again come on they don't even make money from that old crappy blog:

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I hate people who blog about blogging
Blogging is an art form. It's an amazing opportunity to share one's self with the world. And some people ruin this precious, precious forum to share their ideas by blogging about blogging, and blogging about bloggers. You don't see people frog about frogging do you? Or dog about dogging? Do you know why not? Because it's stupid! I'm sick and tired of people I don't even like tainting my precious art form. It's a desecration. It's like money changers in the temple ripping off the worshipers by charging exorbitant prices for birds to sacrifice! It's like a freshly minted bride getting divorced during her wedding! It's like eating vanilla ice cream on top of rancid lard! It's a massacre of everything I hold dear. BLOG IT ALL! They've sullied my precious and I hate them for it.

ADDENDUM: These suckers are called "Meta Bloggers". Meta. Look it up.

By Mighty Pipsqueek

Which is more damaging to biology, psychology, and society?

Alcohol culture probably looks like Charles Manson compared to psy culture if we said that psy cult was likened to Bruce Lee lol. Except Manson dropped acid?

I have done terribly dumb things on psychs but nowhere near as dumb as alcohol.

I never got arrested driving on them but I have two DWAIs for drunk driving.

To assume any culture is a risk to my mental health is to say they are more powerful than me.

Call me egotistical for this but I am not afraid any longer of either culture.

I am a pragmatist I would say but a sucky lame dunce of one. I don't hate myself for saying that today it drives me to want to develop as a human being. I'm disgusted w/ the subhuman monster I quickly become on drugs and alcohol doesn't really matter what kind for my compulsion issue I have become more familiar with as I aged. I can see how resisting my own bias is vital to be open enough to ask for help and hear what I need to so I can start to really truly change. Surely my awareness is shitty to boot and how I can resist what I am unaware of right?

To maintain an unbiased blog for me would be highly unlikely I am thinking but I can certainly give it a shot. Feel free to tear into any bias that might rub you wrong.

I hope this is a promise I keep to myself but I have no reason to keep writing these so frequently I just want to start to steer this blog in a different direction than when the crazy train of my thoughts first started rolling down dark stormy mountain tracks haha don't even wanna look at older entries.

What disturbed me about AA recently and this is one of the big reasons I am quitting it is the amount of rude bias in meetings. Only some people would express it including my ex-sponsor to me (for three days) and I am not trying to imply I do not suffer from rude bias in my own head I certainly do.

For example it was said in these last three days in at least two meetings when using drugs was brought up to avoid NA meetings because they try to sell drugs to you right outside the meeting. I went to a NA meeting on Saturday and while the demographic sure was different what the people said in the meeting was of equal importance to what they were saying at AA. They weren't any less of people for doing NA. No drugs were being sold in the parking lot where some gathered after/ it was in a well kept inner city library basement with nicer seats than many AA meetings. What a big biased piece of judgy AA bullshit.

This blog is not gonna make me desirable in your eyes but can I try to crack some jokes and ya I should plan out entries much better and make less I am thinking but not with my stinking thinking that feels right in my gut.

I should be grateful for a roof over my head. I was invited to this guy's apartment yesterday smaller than mine and he lives with other sober guys while I have a hot (in my $tained eyes) lady in mine and I asked if it's an Oxford House. No he called it a fellowship house belonging to the most gung ho group in the city (based on judging and assuming). Not my job to point out faulty bias anywhere though.

Onto the main attraction.

Is the next caboose that roaringly thunders down the line gonna catch me as a hobo clown on it?

Why do they think they can fix everyone if you do exactly as they say? This is what they say. Do exactly as my sponsor says I will never drink again.

Does anyone understand why studies or some research is showing only 5 to 10% of people who try these groups succeed?

My sponsor did tell I would get drunk last night. He didn't assume I wouldn't. I also heard about someone who would always leave and come back has like seven Big Books from people giving him another one each time he came back.

I am not sure how this can be the only solution on the planet to overcome vice but they are giving me the impression nothing else will work and I was so desperate I sat long enough to hear that recently.

My mind could be playing tricks on me already. I don't feel neglected by the people I have met and especially the ones I am trying to commit to who my sponsor encourages me to be around. He has already told me to avoid certain people and when someone wants me to do something at these meetings to tell him first and he talks to his grand sponsor about it next or definitely was running a lot by him I could tell he also said he was at times so I trust that kind of guidance more than if he were just making demands on me and they are more like suggestions but what is the point of having a sponsor if you don't listen and follow their advice.

So I get upset and negative about very wholesome things unrelated to this beneficial and harmless program really (it feels like at least to me) so how can I say oh they are making me feel worse already?

I cannot make a rational conclusion about anything right now and with the kindness shown to me thus far I am not choosing to abandon trying this AA group out my sponsor attends.

I wanted to place blame on them already for making me feel worse about trying to recover but I am now withdrawaling from Delta 8 THC (cry for me Argentina it isn't bad just grumpy) and nicotine withdrawal will set in soon making me feel like a furious monster inside probably but I am more resolved than ever to cut that demon down quick this time. How can I say going to these groups and having to have my sponsor take me and have me stay out later than I wanna be which leaves me little to no time to meditate fully before bed...SIGH

The truth about fully trying to commit to a 12 Step group for me at least only since I have been clean again for going on 3 days now is that these guys helped me burn through more fear than I have in I don't know how many years of having this fear. I faced discomfort a ton already it felt very hard. I did not run away just yet. Watch me go call an addiction specialist if I quit this attempt at working with this meeting location in particular and never show up at a 12 Step Group ever again.

I am ready for another blog post already I suppose. I don't wanna flood my journal with too many entries per day would like to keep it limited to one nightly entry and make it a new habit.

So I am committing to not just AA which I found a sponsor in last night but one NA meeting and one SA meeting per week. Gonna do a few more than one AA though. The thing about my compulsions is they seem to be connected and all three of those twelve step groups fit my situation. Some poly drugs users simply choose to use AA for the support and fellowship as I have come to see in the past couple days. The programs are nearly identical. I want to try to keep my mind as open as possible and be more accepting of people from all walks of life hence I think I should at least try all three together for a good chunk of time maybe 90 days and see if I don't need all three programs and perhaps AA meetings will be enough.

In my area NA and SA are small & tiny compared to AA. I was relieved more than a couple of people also struggled with drugs in them.

I hope this is the last psytrance track I share let me break up the bleak sobering nature of my presence sorry I had some kind of spiritual drug induced breakdown on LSZ which snapped me out of all drug use including the remaining blotters I got rid of. Why the last? Psychedelic culture is a dangerous risk for me it seems harmless and beneficial for many though. Call me one of the unfortunate few to have come to this realization my ego might forget again and again...



The art of living truly and fully I am not even close to grasping onto yet. At the pace I was going at it might never happen.

I did
can now get it delivered to my door with no extra charge
they sell everything else aswell
be jelly

I picked up a Heine and set down the Ecstasy of Gold by Widowmaker Brewing I imbibed a little less than half of so far perhaps I should take a bike to get the alcohol out quicker before I turn into a vicious werewolf who was last seen outside a crackhouse during a raid the one random night drinking like over five years back I decide to go into the hood to smoke down on and ran into a jacked up white crack dealer who was on his way to an Embassy Suite who gave me his numba and smoked with me in his ride wanted to know if I was undacova first ain't act like I am from the hood even in it but they like me well the good ones with some humane spirit left even balls deep in the game until it gone and they turn on ya

I should not be drinking hence i made a blog post about it waaaaaa honestly blotter makes me tense at present I have to avoid it if want to quit drinking right now but I have a few to move through yet for therapy aware of the risk but I don't binge drink on acid ever at least lol unlike stims anyways coworkers wanna trade me some standard Lucy Twenty Cinco for a couple oh yes done at this job in less than a year so are they garden center run by a greedy old millionaire no one likes to be around who works there haha