It would be a major understatement to say that Ive been miserable as fuck for the most part the past few months. I swore that when i hit 30 i would try and lead a less fucked up life and maybe even settle down abit. But it seems that my goddamn fucked up brain had other plans. I got hit with a depressive episode that was the worst Ive had in years. For the first time in ages the thought of suicide seriously crossed my mind. But i am determined to not give into that no matter how bad things get.
The really bad flare up's of trigeminal neuralgia have not been helping my mood or opiate use either as of late. I have had to take enough morphine and hydromorphone to get about 10 people high just to stop me from nearly crying from the pain. Well truth be told i did actually cry from the pain. I feel so alone when i have to go through shit like this. Noone who can do anything about it gives a shit. As far as the doctors are concerned I'm just another cunt taking up money from the health care system. Go home and suffer until you finally kill yourself is what they want. But i won't give in that easy.
I did give up the needle for awile but because of the fact that sometimes i have to get by with hydromorphone avoiding it is hard. Plus everything seems so hopeless lately that i think why should i give it up? So what if I'm a junkie who cares. My biggest worry is how to get through everyday and if it takes a few shots of morphine or dilaudid to get me through a long dark night then so be it.
I actually thought that this year i might catch a break. I should have known that it would just be more of the same old shit.
The really bad flare up's of trigeminal neuralgia have not been helping my mood or opiate use either as of late. I have had to take enough morphine and hydromorphone to get about 10 people high just to stop me from nearly crying from the pain. Well truth be told i did actually cry from the pain. I feel so alone when i have to go through shit like this. Noone who can do anything about it gives a shit. As far as the doctors are concerned I'm just another cunt taking up money from the health care system. Go home and suffer until you finally kill yourself is what they want. But i won't give in that easy.
I did give up the needle for awile but because of the fact that sometimes i have to get by with hydromorphone avoiding it is hard. Plus everything seems so hopeless lately that i think why should i give it up? So what if I'm a junkie who cares. My biggest worry is how to get through everyday and if it takes a few shots of morphine or dilaudid to get me through a long dark night then so be it.
I actually thought that this year i might catch a break. I should have known that it would just be more of the same old shit.
