So I just created an account here to reply to this thread because OP sounds exactly like I used to...
Dude, you are an addict. You may not think so because you are not physically addicted, but you are 100% mentally addicted. Thinking of switching to heroin because your supply of blues is low is NOT rational thought for someone who is not an addict. Getting high on the weekends being the only thing in your life you look forward to is not healthy or normal. Everything you say about having a strong will and walking the fine line, no reason to stop blah blah blah I used to tell myself the same things..I walked that line for 8 years before I crossed it! But as others have said, it WILL catch up to you, as it did me. This is going to be a long post, but I'm writing out my path to how I got to where I am in hopes it will help you see.
I first started dabbling in oxycodone in 2007, the summer after I graduated high school. I was always a smoker, didn't much care for drinking. Always asked myself why would anyone need to take pills when they can just smoke weed? Well that summer I got too high one time and had the first panic attack of my life. It really scarred me and caused daily anxiety for the next 3-4 years, and ruined my ability to enjoy weed as I always did before that panic attack. Remember I was not a drinker so I needed something to fill that void. Oxy was perfect for me, gave me the euphoria I was looking for and melted away my anxiety, put me at complete peace. Well I went off to college and for the 4 years there I never had a legit connection. I could only find something once a month or so. In those days I only did them on special occasions, say a concert or going camping one weekend with a bunch of friends. I would find a couple pills and SAVE them for weeks, just so I was certain I'd have them for these occassions where I REALLY wanted to enjoy the experience..I would've liked to do a little more but just didn't have the sourcing.. but I was already to the point where I felt I HAD to have them if I was to have real fun during these types of events. That was thru all 4 years of college.
Well after graduating college I moved back home and all of a sudden had connections again. The couple friends I first started dabbling with in 2007 had never left home and were still doing pills and had their established connections. For the next four years I had to get my stuff thru them and never really had a strong direct connection. This was an extra layer that made acquiring a little more difficult but I was fine with it for the most part because it kept me from sketchy places and I believe kept me from doing too many. During these 4 years I slowly transitioned from only on special occasions>to only on weekends and never three days in a row>to only on weekends PLUS a night during the week if I wasn't working the next day>to every night when I was off the next day>to every other day whether I'm working or not. I got to where I had to have oxy to do anything social(which really became almost every night with our friends in our early-mid twenties), and if I didn't have it I wouldn't go do these things because they wouldn't have been fun for me. Going out to bars, parties, on the boat, etc. But I still thought I was in control, just walking that fine line, no reason to stop, just having fun. Nothing I'd get more excited for. Over this time I'd watched my other close friends that dabbled fall off the cliff, but I was more stronger-willed than them. My mind is stronger than the drug. I'm in control.
In 2015 I got a new next-door neighbor. It took a couple months, but I got to know him some and learned he sold blues. And he had them 24/7, right there, right next to me not 40ft from my house! So obviously I quickly became an every day user. I was working a good job and in my circumstances should've been saving a ton of money but I'd pay my monthly bills and every single other dollar would go to pills. At this time, the money I was spending was the only problem I had with my addiction and it bothered me greatly. Got to where I was spending $180 a day, of note is the fact prices have gone up 50%+ over the years. If only I could get my own script and save all that money I'd be happy doing pills every day for the rest of my life!
In 2017 I started trying suboxone some, something I hadn't ever messed with prior. I realized that I could be content with just subs and that I could go to a doctor and get my own script and save a lot of money, so that's what I did. Started sub maintenance in October 2017 by going to a doctor that would give me more than anyone really needs(12mg) and for as long as I wanted. I planned to just do subs for the rest of my life. I was provided enough to catch a good buzz, and could smoke some weed and intensify it. I was saving SOME money, but I was still treating myself to one weekend per month where I'd do blues..problem was that one weekend was still costing me $400-$500. This monthly "treat" continued through January 2019, which was the last time I did a blue. In this time frame I became a hermit, all I wanted to do was get thru work and get home to lay on the couch and try to feel my subs. I avoided going out and seeing my friends. I became depressed and lost the ability to have fun or genuinely look forward to anything. I completely lost interest in hobbies I'd loved my entire life. I lost 30lbs and became unrecognizable to who I used to be. I looked a lot different at 130lbs than I did at my normal 160lbs. Extreme anhedonia is the best way to describe my mindset during this almost two year time frame. Realizing that feeling the way I did was not sustainable I decided I needed to stop everything and give my body and brain the chance to heal, give myself the chance to become my old self again. As I said, I stopped the monthly blues purchases in January 2019, then I coached myself through a long taper off the suboxone. I made the jump from suboxone on September 10, 2019 and have been off it completely since then. I was completely clean for 6 weeks before I did a little kratom one night, and then the kratom usage slowly developed into an every day habbit after a couple months. Then I stopped the kratom(ime the wds from kratom are nothing comparatively)and stayed clean for another couple months..which brings us to now where I've recently been on another kratom bender. My only problem with kratom is that it induces some of my same old habits of just laying on the couch trying to "feel" it. I just don't have the productivity that I do when I'm clean, so for that I'm currently on day 3 of quitting the kratom again. But I sometimes rationalize that if it wasn't kratom, I'd just be drinking 3-4 beers every night as I do when I'm "clean", so there's still a dependence for altering my mind every single day that I need to work on, but I'm much better than I was.
I'm not depressed any more..I've gained my weight back, I'm exercising and lifting weights again, I've reestablished connections with my old friends and become social again(not the friends who do pills, my more "healthy lifestyle" friends). But I'm about to turn 32 years old and I should be way better off at this point in my life than I am. I should have $50k plus in the bank yet I'm $15k in debt. I look back(where the hell did the past 10 years go??) and feel like I wasted a lot of time throughout my twenties and did a lot of damage to my brain chemistry. My addiction has changed me forever, for sure.
I give you my whole story because the things you say sound exactly like I did. Just quit now while you're still ahead, while you're on the right side of that fine line. Seems the only thing saving you right now is the lack of a legit, consistent source. Do not switch to heroin, something even I never seriously entertained. Though I have always told myself if I ever got a terminal illness I'd just spend my last days doing a bunch of heroin haha. But a successful life coinciding with the daily use of opiates is not possible. You will eventually lose your ability to moderate. You are straight up changing how your brain works and it's chemistry, conditioning it.
I suspect you won't listen, because I wouldn't have when I was at your stage. "Won't happen to me, I'm different, I can control it..." Well you can't, you're already well on your way to getting got. But again I stress, save yourself and just stop now..while it's still somewhat easy. My life would be so much different and better right now had I not started taking oxy, I wish I never did. All I can do is grow and learn from the experience and keep pushing forward.
AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWITCH TO HEROIN!!!
