Just was wondering what exactly are you guys suffering from. I have taken MDMA for a long time (20 years) on and off. I had a strange experience back in February and now have been suffering palpitations etc. I was told by doctors it could be anxiety but it is definitely giving me heart flutters etc. I have now got increased blood pressure and my although my ECG showed "abnormal" my doctor says its not significant. The last few months have been kind of difficult with some nights feeling like I am about to have a heart attack. Anyway I am still seeing doctors but have not mentioned anything about MDMA. What have you guys been experiencing?
For me, it's very hard to explain, unless I'm feeling it. This is the problem with mental illness, you cannot sympathise easily, even within yourself (when you're better, you can't recall the drama of the problem).
But, I feel fine at this moment (good medicines (maybe.. only 3 days in to a new one, which I was compelled to try because of my "problems",) (and I finished that bottle of Cava just now), but anyway, I will try to recall my problems and how debilitating they are (they are, really... this is not something that's easy to just ignore).
1. I can be talking to somebody, (a customer, or a relative, for example), and part way through them talking I feel my eyes go wide/weird, and I feel spaced out, and my stomach starts to feel weird, and I can no longer be 'part' of the social enjoyment. All of a sudden what was a pleasant transaction of normality, becomes an anxious situation for me. cue movements like scratching back of kneck, or arms, or whatever, and general feelings of displeasure with the situation.
2. towards the end of the day, or if a job is dragging on, my stomach starts to feel like I have an ulcer, usually on the left side. You could probably never understand just how bad this feels. I describe this effect as me having "a really low stress threshold".
3. When you have the above problems, and you know that this happens uncontrollably, at times that are unfitting to the situation or other people, then it can begin to make you sort of agoraphobic. You start to avoid situations in which you think it might become apparent that something is not right. You don't want people to see your weirdness.
4. Some days, I just really do feel totally weird, like I've had zero sleep. I actually feel like I'm on drugs some days when I'm not. Imagine being a kid taking drugs for the ... 1st or 2nd time, and coming home and trying to hide it from their mother who is trying to have conversations with them. It's that conspicuous feeling. Where possible, I feel compelled to confess to people that "I was a very silly boy and I messed with drugs, and I over did it, and that I am not very well because of it. I have learned my lesson the hard way and I will not be doing it again." I am sure you can see why this sometimes feels necessary, although degrading. I try to judge the people who will accept this, and who those who will write me off as a 'dirty druggy' (I don't say anything to those people).
I'll add to this as and when I encounter my problems, because right now I feel fine, and as I said before, that is the biggest problem with mental illness - and probably any illness I suppose, you always think "well it can't be that bad. I'd rather have a cold than have this sore tooth/leg/whatever", but then when you have a cold, or the flu, you feel like shit. Suddenly it's so much more serious than you could ever have imagined.
Part of the issue is that (I'm sure this is the root of mental illness): whenever *any* of these symptoms occur (even if just a small amount of one of the symptoms, like the stomach ulcer pain), then I am reminded of the "overall problem", and basically, the overall problem is reinforced as still being present.
What has surprised me, now that I have come back to edit this post, is that I have not mentioned the jaw pain that I suffered from for almost 6 months. That was actually the most prominent symptom that I had, and I actually at some times thought that *all* of my problems were attributed to something simple and physical like this. Well, buspirone has really helped with my jaw. I was clenching without realising I suppose, but anyway, that was a real problem for me for such a long time. I was even chewing on a lollypop stick, hoping it would keep my molars apart..
So I guess the jaw pain is fixed, but, maybe put that down as number 1 in the list of problems.
Please remember: all of this is down to excess and abuse and redosing. I think MDMA is wonderful. It really is penacillin for the soul, but, it *can* be dangerous* if overdone. Unfortunately I overdid it because I wasn't feeling like I was getting enough from it, and I fear that actually this might happen (tolerance). Well, if tolerance occurs, then tough shit. But don't think taking more will bring back the magic - it won't. Either that, or my MDMA was shit. Right now, I think I will be trying it again in the future, as stupid an idea as that might sound.
. today i will try 10mg and tapperin , during the procress i realized that it goes and comes , like a wave with lot of amplitud, but everytime you feel little better than before, then you feel little worse but not so worse like the last time you felt worse. i will draw you but i think you understand, and furthermore, every cicle takes more time to feel worse again. everytime i feel improvement i tapper my dose, i have done from 20mg to 15mg now and later to 10 mg, i will go on this way.
